Monday, 07 December 2009
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If You Loved Me, You’d Give Me Your Facebook Password
One of the lessons I was taught as I was growing up was to respect other’s privacy; never to snoop around in anyone’s business. It became a habit for me to entertain myself while someone was writing an email, to look away while someone was sending a text, or to occupy myself with a shopping bag or a receipt at work while someone enters their pin numbers on the pin pads. But that’s just me.Let’s say there was a couple who seemed to be doing fine. If they were to be seen in public, they would come off as a sweet ordinary couple. But what no one can figure out is that the man in that relationship is always making promises that seem to be meaningful but never seems to come through. And the woman is becoming a paranoid attention-hog always wanting the man to make her feel special.
Let’s say early in the relationship, when the woman was at the man’s house, she goes on his computer but needs to log in with a password. Since she wants to check her email, she asks her boyfriend for the password. And since he trusts her and believes it won’t be such a big deal if she knew the password to log in, he doesn’t hesitate to give it to her. He does, however, warn her not to snoop around his personal files or documents because he, too was taught that privacy needed to be respected.
Let’s say today, the woman opens the homepage of Facebook not logging on to her account, but attempting to log into her boyfriend’s account using his email and his computer log in password curious if it were the same password. Fingers crossed… It worked. The woman clicks “Inbox” and sees a sea of messages from random women she has never seen before.
Let’s say the woman clicks on one of the messages… or two… or three… or every single one of them until she is sitting at her computer with tears running down her face thinking “what else has he been doing behind my back?!”
Let’s say the messages showed some pretty inappropriate things a taken man shouldn’t be saying to single women. But according to the sent messages, the man wasn’t taken. He was single.
What happens next can depend on what you want to happen next. Maybe she confronts him and dumps him, he catches her and dumps her, or she can never mention what she saw and they continue their awkward and disloyal relationship.
My question is:
Who is more wrong in this situation? And why?
Is it the woman who refused to respect the man’s privacy, the man who was online flirting in the first place?
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- From: shillykins
- About Me: I love talking but sometimes have trouble finding someone who will listen to me rant... That is why I blog. JUST created a Datingish account but still use my Xanga! I just want to start arranging all my Datingish blogs on something seperate than my random, unorganized Xanga so add me! :)
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Comments (61)
I'd just say it's an unhealthy relationship.
Wow so Pandora opened the box.
Yes snooping is wrong. Not all guys are freaks and cheaters. (i.e. Sex in the city episode where Carrie goes crazy trying to open the secret box) But if he's doing something shady and got caught in the process, then he's just too dumb. So now that you found out, how do you approach him because you broke his trust. In this case, both of you are wrong. You should still sit down and have a chat with him and just ask him outright if he's flirting with other girls or give him a hypothetical situation where you were flirting with other guys if he would get upset. I hope his answer is yes, then you can spill the beans about snooping...
I say if you're looking for something, you're going to find something you don't like. I don't think it's right to snoop around in someone's e-mail, myspace, whatever. If you don't trust the person, why are you with them?
They're obviously both wrong, but I dont' really know how I feel about things being "more wrong". Morally, I would probably have to say that he is "more" in the wrong, because I would reckon that breaking trust by sleeping around and breaking trust by snooping around are on two different levels. But as I said, wrong is wrong, no matter what shade you color it. So I dont' think anyone is "more" wrong. Though, now that she knows, the only thing she can do is fess up that yes, she was in the wrong for snooping, HOWEVER....and then proceed from there. As long as she fesses up and takes responsibility for her snooping, and doesn't try to blame him for that part of the whole fiasco, I believe she would be acting maturely. I mean, I could never just pretend I didn't know if I found out tha tmy boyfriend was cheating on me.
It's kind of the same idea as illegaly obtained evidence in court, now that I think about it.
Why should it matter who is "more" wrong? They did separate things. It's like trying to determine if one man raping 20 children is worse than one man killing one child.
If they had both cheated, for example, then who was more "wrong" is more obvious - the person who cheated both physically and emotionally and without regret will be wrong, or the person who cheated more than once will be more wrong. But it's hard to compare something like one person who was very disrespectful to their SO and one person who lied once about something.
The guy is a douchebag and the girl is an unhealthily insecure sneak. She should bring up what she did, and they should both see whether or not they can forgive what the other did.
I think she didnt trust him in the first place to go onto his facebook like that. but then again he is wrong too to be doing all of that. they are both wrong, there is no more wrong. but they should break up. it is an unhealthy relationship. they should be happy and trusting.
i say she should send him a message from her own FB account...and word for word quote his worst message between himself and one of the other girls. then dump his ass. she is (sort of) fessing up, and he learns a lesson...he also broke trust and got caught, and even though he hid what he did, he still did not get away with it.
i'd say he is more wrong, but they are both very very wrong! being dishonest is never ok, and they both were. yuck. i'd rather not know than find out like that!
There both wrong, it's an unhealthy relationship if she can't trust him, and he is doing stuff like that behind her back. The flirting could easily lead to something else, or for all she knows, it already has. Yeah, snooping is wrong, but it's a natural instinct as soon as you suspect something you want to find out if it's true, so you snoop to try to get the information you need to confirm your thoughts.
They would need to talk about it, the girl would have to fess up, admit that she was wrong to snoop. And the guy would have to admit that he was wrong to be lying and flirting with other girls.
If they think they can work things out, then so be it. Although, I think in this case, ending it would be a better choice. Because after something like that , I doubt they are going to have even half the trust that they had before, which apparently wasn't much.
man i would be upset with the girl if that happened to me. it definitely is an invasion of privacy. seriously, yes, she also has the right to be upset because the guy was hiding this and that but she was entrusted with his password. IF he was really cheating or doing the naughty behind her back, she would have found out for sure (i strongly believe in woman intuition) and what would have possessed her to check in the first place? imho, she shouldn't have went behind his back.
A: Nice try for the speculation nonsense. Everybody here's played the friend/stranger game in which we're solving your problems rather than somebody else's.
With that said, this guy has no right to demand that, even if it's out of love. Part of a good relationship is understanding boundaries. Sure, it's one thing to expect total trust out of a partner, and it's another to respect their privacy and trust in them with their things.
Besides, as lot223 said in different terms: Men tend to be a little more sloppy on cheating on women that women are to men.
@lot223@xanga - i agree with what you said. it definitely was an invasion of privacy and that "she shouldn't have went behind his back." but hey, technically him flirting with other girls was done behind her back? wasn't that just as bad?
anyways, in response to the original question asked, as other people have said, neither one is more wrong than the other. they both were being wrong for doing what they did.
Snooping is WRONG. But so is what he did. She should confront him, and end it. It's over for them now; it's too late.
Hes the next Tiger Woods! And I like your answer... @Eternal_Nocturne@xanga -
@vegaskandigirl@xanga - Exactly, very well said.
if he says don't snoop, there's a reason for it. it riled up suspicion. I would've looked, too, after being told "don't look at my stuff." but if he didn't feel the need to hide anything, he wouldn't have told her that. he's the ass. not she.
I say he was wrong for going behind her back... if you were honestly 100% loyal to your significant other, this entire situation wouldn't be a problem.
yes she was wrong for snooping; but he was wrong in that she shouldn't have been able to find anything incriminating.
I've used my boyfriend's facebook before and I could access his email if I wanted to but I never have... he only uses it for school and work. he gives me his information in full confidence; I haven't found anything incriminating because my boyfriend has nothing to hide from me.
it's all debatable as to whose fault it is. overall I say he, because he was far more disloyal than she.
Well, considering that my boyfriend and I are basically linked with everything (Myspace, Facebook, Xanga, E-mail), meaning we're both allowed on either of them at any given time: I'd say he was more wrong.
Cheating and lying is a lot worse than logging into facebook.
And yeah, if my boyfriend told me not to look at something, there'd be strong suspicion because neither of us have ever had any problems with sharing everything.
Fuck that. Every girl who's cheated on me has been caught because I had her Facebook password. It's not the principal. If you have nothing to hide then there is no reason to keep your facebook a secret. I'm so fucking sick of cheaters.
Something like this happened to me. I would say they're (we're) both wrong, there's no 'who's more wrong?'
Well, I understand the right to privacy. I agree in these terms of privacy, I grew up with the same respect. However, if he's pointing out to her that she better keep her nose out of his business, that kind of sets off an alarm. Both people should be open to one another, he shouldn't have set the boundary in the first place. Instead, it should have been a given and he should have trust her not to invade. Saying, "I'm unlocking my computer but don't go into that folder" kind of heightens suspicion. Well, why are you telling me specifically not to go in there? Do you have something to hide?
My ex did this to me. I didn't find out by going out of my way and snooping though, it was actually right in front of me and I did happen to stumble upon it. However, he did this two more times behind my back. Each time I had a feeling he was keeping something from me. After the first time, I will admit that I did intentionally go looking, but I didn't unless I had good reason. Each time I found what he was hiding and I definitely never felt bad for snooping. Yes, you should respect privacy. But if he's pulling the privacy card to hide things and maybe even turning blame on you for not respecting it, then that's bullshit. He is more at fault in this case, I believe. If she had good reason, why shouldn't she find out? He's keeping things from her, that's not what a relationship is about. She should get rid of his sorry ass.
For those of you who think this is to get advice for myself, keep in mind that I do not have a boyfriend.
A similiar situation happened a while back with my best friend. That's where I got the idea. I made up a different but sort of the same senario because I wanted to know what you guys thought and what your opinions were.
They're both in the wrong and it's a waste of time going over who was more so. The girl has trust/insecurity/neediness issues and the guy is a typical male. They like attention from women no matter what their relationship status is. Some really don't believe that their "harmless flirting" is wrong. He's a jerk, she's a jerk, they're both jerks. Develop a more mature relationship with someone else.
I frankly think the guy is more wrong. That said, my ideal relationship is one of absolute trust and commitment; I want to be able to expose everything about myself, and I want the other party to open themselves up as well.
Also, I'm horribly opposed to the concept of cheating and other questionable behavior of that nature, so that hits me hard.. It's probably the singlemost thing that could harm me quickly and effectively. =/
I think that this is a lose/lose situation. The guy shouldn't have been talking to all of those women and the girl shouldn't have gone looking for dirt. No matter what, if you go looking for skeletons...you will ALWAYS find them. What I mean by that is no matter what the situation, if a girl makes up her mind to go digging she can almost always twist the situation to look like something that she doesn't like...if she doesn't find something obvious in the first place.
I would never go snooping around on my man, but that's because I trust him completely. I don't have any reason in the back of my head to make me snoop, so there'd be no point.
If you don't want problems then don't go looking for them. Even though that seems to be so many girls' nature. Drama, drama, drama...it's just a load of crap. I hate it when girls are SO insecure. It's annoying, not to mention unattractive!
As for the guy, it's pretty self explanatory. He was wrong to do what he did. End.