If you didn't take the time to read it, here's a quick synopsis of
this Datingish post: movies (barring the
Twilight series) seem to be tending towards plain, unattractive, but funny men such as Seth Rogan, Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau, etc. A question is posed at the end of the post: "Would you rather have the hot guy [using Lautner as an example], or the not-so-hot guy [the aforementioned actors] that you get along with better?"
The answers tended to be something along the lines of "TAYLOR YES ZOMG," but, to the responders' credit, they often qualified their opinion with the need for a man to have a good personality. Quite a few used the term "average."
Who wants to be average?
A sudden sense of depression and self-loathing hit me.
I have never felt so inadequate in my life. For some reason, this post and the subsequent responses drove home the point that appearance drastically affects first impressions. I know I'll never look like a
Twilight character. And, since that seems to be what so many girls want nowadays, I feel extremely frustrated and hopeless. How can I ever be noticed if I'm just average.
It didn't take me long to realize that this must be what women have felt for a long time. When there is an impossible idealization that millions are exposed to, what are you supposed to do? Everyone obviously wants that idealization, so when you know you don't meet it, it's hard to shake the feeling that your "significant other" is compromising, or that he/she wishes you were different. That feeling plagued me during my last relationship.
Guys, have you ever experienced this sense of inadequacy? I never really hear about male eating-disorders and depression, but I know body image must adversely affect men, too.
Girls, have
you ever experienced this? How much do looks matter for a first impression? Be honest.
Comments (45)
my boyfriend now that i have was not my ideal looking guy. but im happy. i fell in love with his personality. i've always been like that, because i am just now beginning to think myself beautiful. i figured guys were only after looks so i went the opposite way
I know exactly how you feel. Women are not the only ones who care for hygiene and body image. I've been gaining weight since college and have had acne since the 7th grade. Makes me feel like crap whenever I hear a girl obsessing over the newest guy craze. I pretend to be annoyed, but man. I'm just not the type of guy who can attract girls on my looks.
now that i think about it, first impressions really don't mean that much to me at all.
it's more of an accumulated impression over time.
my first impressions are usually completely wrong. they all suck.
To be perfectly honest, I think my physical appearance is more of a hook for meeting girls than my personality. If girls were more like guys in selecting a mate, I'd be way better off.
It's not that my personality is rotten (well, for the most part, at least). I'm just not very social with anyone. Once I've developed friends/acquaintances things tend to work out, but I'm just dreadful at it.
i have to say, i've never dated someone i've considered generally good-looking. i've had 4 relationships (from 1-8 months). don't get down. the thing is, of course looks are one piece of the pie, but personality really does have a VERY significant part of the attraction. i'm attracted to skinny guys - is that what most girls want? no. they want built, muscle-y guys (... taylor lautner.) but that's not what i'm attracted to. right now i am dating a man i love and though he is not a 'looker', i am very attracted to him and i find him very attractive.
... that kinda confuses me now that i've written it but the general message is - don't get down. one day someone will fall in love with you despite the fact you aren't a model/taylor lautner and then you won't have to worry that they only like you for your looks.
The truth is both genders have this. Women think men want some size two V.S. model. Men tihnk women want some Edward Cullen type of man. True, it would be amazing to date someone who looks like that, but honestly, it's just a fantasy. Yes it bother us and yes we dream about it, but thats what it is, a dream. It's not reality.
Yeah I feel ya. What's even worse that makes you feel inadequate is when the girl cheats on you for whatever reason with someone whom by all means and purposes are not as good looking or better in any way (well obviously to myself but honestly I think most would say the same - which begs the question why? But that's a whole another story.). Girls can make guys feel just as inadequate as they themselves feel at times when they hear what new female celebrity most guys or their boyfriends find hot or something. Maybe perhaps not only about looks though but status, money, beliefs even. Our SOs are the ones who know how to tear us down the best I think heh.
Male eating disorders are an everyday thing, just no one really notices it. Go to a gym see all the guys there spending hours a day trying to reach a standardized idealization that women are attracted to muscular big manly men. Drinking protein, Creatin, Vitamin shakes and so on. They go and try to eat as much as possible to get to the size they want then cut foods out to trim it off to try and get toned...after a few weeks when the flab comes back they repeat the same routine.
P.S I love how everyone thinks Taylor is a big muscular guy, since he's pretty small in real life heh. Gives people like me hope heh.
first looks don't mean as much as their actual personality, and qualities lol, but for some people looks are what first reels the person in, and personality is what catches them completely.
for me i think in general!, guys with awesome personalities are so attractive. guys that are 'pretty' and have great personalities i believe are out of my league. the average people kind of are looked past. i'm in that category. my looks ehh not much, personality is really timid( maybe even anti social) unless i know you really well. so i'm out-looked all the time. i feel exactly what you mean, but then again most people probably are in the same boat as us. personally it doesn't bother me that much, because i currently am not interesting in looking for someone. i'm fine the way i am. when it happens it happens you know?
and for the side note o_o. i think the girls you're talking about(the ones with twilight/generalized expectations) are younger girls or girls that are naive enough to fall for these generalized unrealistic expectations. girls like these, you wouldn't want to have anything to do with them, until they grow out of/ realize that these fantasized ideas aren't realistic! so you don't have to feel bad. you deserve a girl that's in your same playing field someone who isn't head over heels about idealizations, you deserve better!
both sexes feel bad about generalized looks and typical qualities they expect from each other. so i guess in realizing that you are average is 'normal(dear gosh yes i used normal to describe average...not a good thing)'. you'll get over the fact, and you'll find your best qualities. you'll come to see it's nothing to be sad about. :O haha i think being average ain't so bad. just my two cents worth.
Looks don't matter much to me.
looks do matter. first impression is the catalyst.
It's like when Megan Fox was the hot topic.
And I believe she still is.@midnightblu3@xanga - College has not been good to me either.
@NANSOO@xanga - I think a lot of guys are beginning to realize she's just desperate for attention. I never really liked her because she's a horrible actress.
Men do experience mental illnesses that focus on their body image, just not in as high a percentage as women. Women for most of history have been told by society that their looks are all that's important, not who they are as a person; so, it is sad, but understandable that women are more likely to suffer from such body issues. I just really wish we could stop caring about attractiveness in either gender. I can understand it in a relationship context, but a societal context? Uh, no. I don't want people feeling bad because they can't fit into a standard of beauty that they are unlikely to attain. We should make people feel good about who they are, not what they look like.
Also, don't worry about aspiring to be some actor from Twilight. The lead guy looks like a foot and the Taylor guy looks like he smashed his face into a wall. Not cool. Neither is Twilight for that matter. :D
Looks matter very little, as far as first impressions go.
I've dated some guys that my lady friends considered to be "trolls" but we clicked and they made me laugh.
Washboard abs are a novelty. The ooh, shiny pretty effect wears off. Soon you just want someone who understands you.
@cornyonacob@xanga - Agreed.
appearance does matter. I was drawn to my boyfriend long before we dated because he has nice, thick, dark brown hair, bright blue eyes, a smile to die for, and he's tall and thin. I've always had a thing for tall, thin, slightly awkward guys. maybe because they tend to be sweet :) lol. my boyfriend however, is sensitive about his appearance. he's grown to care less and less about what other people think but I know that there's still a part of him that feels inadequate. I love every inch of him though.
I dunno. I don't think actors are that attractive. I'm not into tan and muscles. muscles kind of freak me out actually. I also look at someone good-looking and automatically label them as an asshole (which, I've done this before and been proven wrong! and rightfully so. I know it's mean to judge people but it happens anyway. maybe some day I'll learn)
this week I discovered that for the first time in my life, I feel attraction toward a heavier person which is weird, weird, weird for me. but I like to think of it as an example of how personality can prevail over good looks; before I knew this person (his name is Ryan) I didn't think much toward him but the more I talked to him, I realized his personality is really compatible with mine. considering I've already got a boyfriend though hopefully he can just become more of a good friend. I would like that.
I hope that still being young, I can grow out of judging people this way. I already feel terrible for doing it, now it's just a matter of... stopping doing it.
I don't know, maybe I'm weird, but I haven't dated anyone "ideal looking", nor would I. And I'm horrible with first impressions myself, so I don't usually hold it against anyone.
I don't want anyone "perfect" looking, a lot of them just seem unfriendly to me, I don't know why.
At the same time, I'm a bit picky about who I date, but looks don't have much to do with that at all.
And yes, I guess I have experienced this myself or whatever, but since then I've just embraced my appearance, I don't want to be perfect, or look perfect either.
i don't give a shit if you look like a Twilight character. if you're decent looking in my eyes, that's all that matters to me, looks-wise. actually, better off if you DON'T look like a Twilight character! lol :]. but seriously, personality is where it's at. if you're a cute asshole, you can go away. but in the same vein, if you've got a great personality but the physical attraction isn't there, i won't want to date you. ya know?
looks do matter, but personality can compensate. as for inadequacy, i honestly think most of the 'beautiful' people are ugly, so if that is what is 'good looking' i'm glad i'm not.
as for your last point. people really don't care if guys are depressed. maybe if the guy is in a relationship with the person, but otherwise... not at all. if a girl is sad, then a guy will try to cheer her up, but vice versa not so much. i'm told it is cause guys then think she is interested in more, and get upset if 'she is being a flirt'. but idk... i don't get why those indifferent/jerk guys would be attractive, or worth it...
Oh Lord, really? Okay, honestly? My husband would, looks-wise, be considered average. I think he's very attractive, but he's not "hottt" by many women's standards. It wasn't his looks that pulled me in on our first date, but his personality. This doesn't bother me, because, you know what? His personality is above average. It's very sexy. He's a good, intelligent, fun man who doesn't have commitment issues, isn't a doormat, and continues to both love me for who I am and inspire me to be the best version of me that I can be. Guys like Brad Pitt and George Clooney are great to look at, but honestly, give me the Seth Rogen or Vince Vaughn any day. Honestly, I find them just as sexy as Clooney and Pitt, maybe even moreso. So, dude, don't let these guys get you down. Average is great because average is what the majority of us are. And everyone's sexy to somebody. You just gotta find that somebody.
And stop comparing yourself to other people. Seriously.
-Katie
at first i thought looks are important, but then later on i found out that the person's personality is what matters.. i would rather be with a guy who is not my ideal looking guy, but he treats my like a princess, rather than be with a good looking guy who jerks around..
it's true that good looking people have a better advandge , confidence is very important too.. Even if your a great and hot looking guy, however you are lack of confidence, i don't think much girl will notice you.. and don't compare yourself to movie characters or other great looking people, because it will just low your self-esteem, and make yourself look bad, when which you are not. So, don't always think you are just one of the average people, be confident of yourself, because everybody is different. I believe there is something unique deep inside each of us, and it's waiting for us or our special someone to discover.
I think it bothers me more if I think I don't have a good enough personality. Yes, I do sometimes wish I was "hot", but I've always wondered if I was too weird for people to really like me, since I don't have the super-outgoing personality that seems to be what everyone wants. But then, if most of the people I really enjoy are quirky and different and not the so-called ideal, it would make sense that my friends would like me the way I am, too.
Looks don't matter to me. My perception of someone's looks changes based on how I feel about them. Not just in regards to the opposite sex. If their personality is attractive, I become find them appealing physically.