Friday, 04 December 2009
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"Don't Waste My Time"
During my early twenties, I once dated a much older guy. We had lots of fun together and we clicked on many levels. He had an established career, had traveled the world, and knew what he wanted out of life. He was extremely romantic and charismatic. He would send me flowers when I was stressed out, would listen to what I had to say and loved to snuggle. Needless to say, I was completely smitten. And he was too. We began to date and made it "official" a month later.
I didn't realize it at the time, but age was one of the biggest problems in our relationship.He was approaching 30 and I was barely 23. During the course of the year we dated, he would say things like "Don't waste my time", "If you don't see this long term, just end it now", "I'm in it for the long haul and I hope you are too". At first, I thought it was sweet. I was so happy that he saw us being in a long- term relationship. But then, I began to feel the pressure. I was definitely not ready to get married and even if I was, I knew he wasn't the one. He made me feel guilty for simply enjoying our relationship and accepting it in the present moment. I enjoyed being around him and he helped me grow as a person tremendously. Was that such a terrible thing for me to do?
Unfortunately, his comments grew worse and I felt like I was stuck. I broke it off eventually. He declared that the year had been a "waste", that I had led him on for nothing. He claimed that I was selfish and too "young" to understand what an adult relationship was like. I was extremely hurt by this. Later on, I realized that he was on the marriage track. Even though we never formally spoke about marriage, his actions, comments and certainly his age showed it.
Is it wrong to date someone and simply enjoy their company for a while? Does age matter? Do you have to see yourself marrying the person you're currently in relationship with for it to be successful?
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- From: twenty_ish
- Name: twenty_ish
- About Me: a twenty something, lost in the world of love, passion, and idealistic compulsions
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Comments (62)
That's really horrible of him. I believe this can happen at any age. A relationship won't work if both of you aren't seeing eye to eye on what you expect out of it. This can happen to two 30 year olds, you being in your early 20's only fed into it more. There's nothing wrong with just enjoying the relationship. I don't expect to look for marriage, even when I'm initially ready. It takes two after all.
I personally don't understand the purpose of being in a relationship unless you're trying to build something more out of it. I never really expect anything big, and I realize shit happens, but something permanent is always the goal for me.
I wouldn't be so arrogant as to say your wants are wrong, though. But clearly it'll cause friction with someone who isn't on the same page.
I can kinda see his point... I mean, if he's ready to settle down and find a family, and you just wanna hang out and have a good time and not look at the long term aspect of it, then i can understand why he would have gotten frustrated, although i dont think he handled the situation correctly. but you both want different things and there's nothing wrong with it, but obviously that means you two weren't right for each other and you indeed were 'wasting' his time (although he shouldnt say it like that, no relationship should ever be a waste of time)
i dont think this had anything to do with age.
however one of my co-workers and i were talking about this the other day. she has a daughter who is dating a boy that my co-worker doesnt like, but her daughter assures her that she's not going to marry the boy, they're just having fun right now. both my co-worker and and i dont understand this logic. dont you date and pursue a relationship with someone with the thought in the back of your mind that this possibly might be someone you want to marry someday in the far future? i dont understand dating and having a relationship with someone 'just for fun'...
There's no wrong or right. It's easier to "just date" when you are younger because what you are looking for is different than what you will look for in your 30's. I guess in your case, it should have been established that you were not looking for a future husband but just looking for a boyfriend or companion. Same for him. If he was shopping around for a wife, he should have told you up front that he's not trying to date around and that he's looking to settle down and move on to the next stage in life.
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - I agree.
Why date someone you don't see yourself marrying? That IS a waste of time, yours and theirs. It is leading them on. What is dating then? Being together with someone you have no intention of staying with?
I get the pressure thing, but you were leading him on, and that makes you kind of a bitch for that. I don't condone your behaviour.
what an ass! he can have his own goals and motivations, but he didnt need to be so mean about them
Im sure he told u what he wanted from the jump so for u to still go ahead and be in a relationship was a little selfish of u, nobody never goes into a relationship and dont talk about what they want in the long run. so instead of datng him u should have just been a friend. This is another reason why u should date someone your own age because they arent looking for the same thing that a man that is 30. but to each there own...the next time listening closely to what someone wants then make the right descion on being in a relationship with him or not.
no; yes; no
I can understand him. I'm 23 years old like you too. He did tell you what he wanted. "Don't waste my time", "If you don't see this long term, just end it now." You should have just said let's be friends and hang out and see what happens from there. Oh well it's over now. I hope you learn from this experience. :)
that was the exact age between me and my ex...
in the end, she said that I wasted HER time.
go figure.
That's terrible. Maybe certain age brackets have different expectations for relationships.
It's kinda wrong if you know you're hurting him..
There is nothing wrong with either party, they just have different relationship expectations and requirements.
The man was looking to settle down. He was dating for the purpose of finding a wife. The women was dating for fun, for experience--something that is totally normal when you're in your twenties. You learn what you need out of a relationship by being in relationships, not by just theorizing. Maybe she should have told him she was not in this for the long haul, but I'm guessing that she didn't really KNOW--it's hard to say if your in it for the long run or not until someone is actually putting pressure on you one way or the other.
In some ways I can see how it's a "wasted" year for him, however, it's unreasonable to expect every relationship your in will be that one that turns forever. Two people could easily date for a year, both with intentions of finding a spouse, only to find that after a year (or even more) of dating they don't want to be together.
Such is life.
there in lies the catch-22. how can you marry someone without getting to know them first? i don't think this was your fault. you don't know right away if you want to marry someone. it takes time before you can make a decision like that and if in the end you decide you can't marry them, that's not your fault. yes, it hurts to feel like you spent so much energy on someone and then they reject you, but that's the risk one has to take when dating. so i think it was not fair of him to say you wasted his time. i dunno, society has taken a nasty turn. too many ppl want to date without the added responsibility of starting a family and settling down.
@NadoAngel@xanga - i agree, "just for fun" is so immature and irresponsible and i think things have changed a lot in the dating world. ppl are more loose with their ways. it's sad.
@wyrdkismet@xanga - I completely agree with your reasoning
I don't see anything wrong with dating someone just to enjoy the relationship in the here and now. But not everyone sees it that way, and the "dating is to find a marriage partner" people often feel pretty strongly about that. Which is why it's important to be on the same page. If you knew all along we was looking for marriage and you definitely did not want to marry him, then it probably wasn't the best idea to stay with him.
But then it's not that simple, either. You enter the relationship not completely sure, but wondering where it will go. And then you realize you definitely do not want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Would that be "leading the person on" or "wasting their time?" I don't think so.
And I don't think it's necessarily an age thing. When I was 21, I dated a 23 year old guy who was determined to get married. I was dating just to date. Needless to say, it didn't work out. Sure, it's probably more likely that a younger person will not be looking for marriage and an older person will be, but there are 20-year-olds who want to get married, 40-year-olds who don't, and everything in between.
seems like you knew from the beginning what he wanted but you also knew it wasn't what you wanted.. so yeah, you did pretty much waste a year of his life even though it helped YOU grow. aka more than a little selfish.
I don't see why dating has to be a journey to marriage. After all, not everyone marries. What's wrong with having fun and enjoying someone's company? I see nothing wrong with it if it makes you happy.
He was an asshole though. Sure, he may have wanted something more and you may have only subtly let him know you weren't as interested, but if he really thought you were wasting his time, why didn't he break it off? Clearly, since you weren't "mature" enough for him, he should have been dating people who were "adults" (even though he was the one being childish).
Also, age ain't nothing but a number unless the older party is using their power and privilege as an older person as a means to manipulate the younger party. That is scary and wrong.
@RaquelHiggins005@xanga - yay!
It sounds to me like you both knew this was destined for failure. You understood what he meant when he told you not to waste his time, but he had to have had a reason to actually repeat this throughout the relationship.
I think you were probably wrong to keep going when you knew things would ultimately not work out, given that you understood his stance, but he was also wrong for just calling it a waste at the end. Even if you are setting up for marriage, you shouldn't consider any relationship to be wasted time.
I dont think it's a waste of time if it doesnt work out, because every situation is a stepping stone to learning something new about yourself, and what you want in life. Yeah, he's peaking that time where marriage becomes a little more critical, but he shouldnt have forced it upon you.
With that said, perhaps you didnt make your intentions clear? I dont know the whole story, but if you led him to believe that marriage WAS (not might) indeed be in the future, then that story should have been cleared up. Every relationship I get into, I do believe in looking at long term his and hers growing old together ending, but there's always the possibility of things not working out, and you have to prepare yourself for that. So I dont think there was any right or wrong in this situation just like others have stated.
It really all depends on age of both persons in the relationship. It's good to stick to a year or two difference in age due to the older you get, the more redefined and certain you are on some things. Where as at younger ages, you really don't know what you want in life yet. Of course this is the way I look at it.
As some of the other posters pointed out, if you're not looking for something more out of the relationship then why are you with him? Just to have fun? It's one thing to enjoy the moment but if you don't plan on being with him in the long run and he's made it clear he is - then you should've told him and you probably should've listened when he said to end it if you weren't. Esp. when you started to feel the pressure, that should be a sign to just end it since you haven't changed your mind about it.
It's not really fair to him that you who had no intention of staying with him, to continue being with him when you knew he had intentions of staying with you. To me, to be blunt about it, pretty much using him till you find the next guy who's better or who may be the one for you. I'm all about the moment too but as @An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga put it, I also am not just dating for the heck of it. I am hoping this person is someone I want to be with in the end and if I don't see it working out I'm not going to continue just leading them on esp. if I know that's what they want as well. Now if both parties were just planning on dating for the heck of it till either one found someone else, then that's fine. But unfortunately that wasn't the case here. And I don't think it has to do with age at all. That's just each person's desire or wants. He's got his wants out of that relationship and you've got yours. Unfortunately they didn't match up this time.