Thursday, 03 December 2009
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"I respect you too much" - The Lie We Believe
Last Saturday night I was stuck late in Penn Station (I missed the train I needed). Anyway, while sitting waiting for my train I was people watching and happened to see you beautiful young girl sitting next to a man and crying. Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to assess what was happening. It quickly became apparent that this man was her boyfriend. She was crying because he was yelling at her for going out drinking with her friends (who he had apparently separated her from). She told him to stop lecturing her and treating her like a child. He said "I'm doing it because I have too much respect for you. Respect that you clearly do not deserve."
STOP! HALT! FLASHBACK.
It's 2007. I'm dating Nick (abusive borderline alcoholic ex). We were having some issues and I decided to go to a party with my roommate Claire. We got there and saw a lot of people we knew. Soon after, we started drinking jungle juice and before I knew it we were both pretty tipsy. Our friend who had driven us there decided to go home but since Claire and I knew a lot of other people there we decided to stay and catch a ride home with someone else. Word got back to Nick that I had stayed at the party and he showed up. I was a little drunk but I was not doing anything bad. Just singing in the corner with some friends and rejecting a sleazy guy who hit on me. Nick. Was. Furious. He dragged Claire and I home immediately. We only agreed to go because we knew he'd ruin the party. When we got back to the dorm Claire went to the room while I sat to "talk" to Nick. Then the verbal abuse started for the countless time.
He began to tell me what a terrible person I was. How disgusting my behavior was. How horrible I was for going out drinking (something he did almost every night). How embarrassing I was to him. Gathering my courage I told him to stop making me feel like shit. He responded "It's because I care about you. I have too much respect for you to see you behave like that. Clearly that means nothing to you because you choose to go out and behave like a drunk whore."
Back to now. Two weeks ago my friend Anna called me describing a similar incident with her shitty boyfriend Nathan. She went out drinking with her friends. Nathan followed her to the bar and proceeded to take her home telling her what an awful human being she was for going out drinking with her friends. He continued to say hurtful things about how she compared to his ex and how awful she was. The next day? Anna forgave him. She said it's just because he loves her so much.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This kind of behavior is emotional abuse. It occurs far far too often in relationships of all different kinds. No one (no one) can tell you that your behavior makes you stupid, slutty, disgusting, horrible, or any other number of terrible things and no one who loves you should be telling you this. The only one who can decide what is and is not acceptable behavior (within legal limits) is you.
Have you ever experienced something like this? Did you accept it or did you walk away?
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- From: JanetDart@xanga
- Name: Janet
- About Me: I've always loved Sex and the City and with recent ridiculous developments in the lives of me and my dear, darling friends I decided it was most definitely time to start blogging. I hope you enjoy laughing at our lives as much as my friends and I do.
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Comments (54)
No one (no one) can tell you that your behavior makes you stupid,
slutty, disgusting, horrible, or any other number of terrible things
and no one who loves you should be telling you this. The only one who
can decide what is and is not acceptable behavior (within legal limits)
is you.
This comment is perfect. Also, the only person who doesn't deserve respect in these types of situations is the abuser. If they're not going to respect that they don't have control over the lives of others, then they shouldn't be respected as one would respect a decent human being.
I think I've done it to one of my exes a little after we broke up. We maintained contact and she was experiencing college for the first time. During that time, I wasn't a drinker and when I hear about her getting drunk and smoking pot, I got on her case (since before, she was anti-drinking and anti-smoking). She would argue back with me about it saying, "Why don't you get mad at your brother when he drinks more than I do?" And that's what made me realize then that I had no right to do what I was doing. Good thing I don't do it now, since I've experienced more and realize that it's people choice whether or not they will do something, not yours.
I'm sure that we want the best for our boyfriend/girlfriend. But it's probably best to get involved only when it gets out of control (meaning if they keep drinking until they black out for example). The thing is, the fact that they say "I care too much about you" or "I have too much respect for you" is a line that's pulled to guilt trip and ease a way into controlling you.
I haven't experienced anything like that, thankfully.
But in my opinion, if you are going to say something like that, those should be parting words. That is something I would say to...a friend doing heroin who refused to get help, or something like that. "I love you and respect you far too much to watch you do this to yourself." Not to belittle or control an SO. And I definitely wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment, unless I truly did have a problem with alcohol or something else.
WHAT A FUCKER! I HATE MEN WHO TRY TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO AND SAY ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD THEYRE TREATING YOU LIKE (A CHILD, A BABY, SHIT...PICK YOUR ADJECTIVE)
LOL JA, FUUUUCK YOU!
i don't know. i feel kind of terrible because. my bf knew that i never liked anything about smoking pot... which he used to do, frequently. back when we were just friends... he asked me once if i would ever date anyone who smoked pot. i said, "no, i just don't think i could deal with the self-destruction."
several months later when we were geographically closer, we meet up again, and he told me he stopped smoking. year and a half since then... he told me he smoked pot some weeks ago. it made me uncomfortable, but i told him it was ok, i was glad he told me. but i explained its just not something i like, or that i would like to hear about him doing often. but i told him i didnt mean to make him sacrifice something he liked... only, that i couldnt date a person who smoked all the time.
he said he would rather have a ME than a drug. i said, "will you always? or will it build into years of resentment..." i hate the idea that i would be manipulating him in some way.
he just said, "idk, i've never had such a good relationship before."
lol. idk. if it became frequent, i think i'd break it off, but right now its not a problem, and its not something i'm trying to "control". i dont think? idk. i hope i handled it well.
I once dated an older (much older) man for almost a year... He was definitely an emotional abuser. Of course, I was too young and stupid to see it for what it really was. I thought for sure he loved me and that's why he was so harsh on me. The day he actually hit me, though, was when the "spell" was broken and I left for good.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - What do you feel guilty for? It's just like someone who doesn't want to have a relationship with someone who drinks or smokes cigarettes. You're not putting him down or trash talking him, you're holding on to your values. If it becomes too much for you to handle, you can always leave the relationship. But you shouldn't feel guilty about that because you are protecting yourself. It would be different if you told him that he was disgusting for smoking weed and tried to make him feel bad about it.
I have to say that I have experienced this, I do experience this. Its the story of my life. I was recently put on my meds that make the effects of alcohol 100 times more potent and I went out with my mom, my aunt and my uncle and had ONE drink. Before I got home I was puking and as drunk as if I'd had 10 drinks. I passed out and never heard the 30 times that my phone rang from my boyfriend freaking out for not answering. When I told him what happened he screamed and cried and yelled at me from 2am until 9am. Breaking up with me, taking me back, yelling...telling me I'm a piece of shit and to fuck off. He does this on a daily basis for pretty much anything I do including getting the job of my dreams because there might be guys there that I might have sex with....which I wouldnt.
What do I do?? Sit there and assure him that I'm sorry and that it will never happen again and keep begging him to keep me.
I suck...But at least I admit to this being a pretty crazy situation.
recently i was talking to this one guy and he was so nice in the beginning and then after a while, the ugly side of him started to seep through and i was just completely disgusted by it all. i wanted nothing to do with him because i wasn't a property and definitely not his. he used a lot of what i told him to used against me to belittle me and after few conversations of that, i just didn't want anything to do with him. i don't take that crap from anyone. no one should put you down or belittle you. it's not healthy to be with someone like that.
this is why i'm Team Jacob!!
seriously though...yeah. i hate how this myth is perpetuated in the media, that guys can do whatever they want to control and manipulate you if they "really care about you" and are trying to "protect" you. bullshit. a real guy can step back and let you take care of yourself without fearing that his balls will fall off.
on that note, however, i feel i have at times been on the other side of this. my ex had a TON of previous sexual partners, and trying to get him to understand how i felt, i wound up telling him that i found his behavior (like one night stands) repulsive. he was deeply hurt. i'm still not sure if what i said was cool or not, and know it wounded him badly. if anyone cares to chip in on this, i'm all ears.
Booze is fucked up. I cannot say that I understand any bit of what you're talking about, because the abuse you mention has come from the same side of the same argument from multiple people who seem to agree that booze is fucked up.
I know nothing about what the men are like. Say that they go out and drink all the time, and I will agree with you. Say that they have cheated, and I will agree with you. Don't say that the only reason they were yelling at you is because they were abusive.
To me, booze is the stupidest thing ever to be legalized. Right now, at this point in my life, I have decided that I never really want to drink. Whenever I encounter others who have not made this decision and that I have become close to, I get upset. The pattern seems to be: I like them as people, they go drink booze, they say shitty stuff, they have terrible and unspeakable nights, they have terrible hangovers, they ask you what happened, and then they treat you like crap because of their hangovers.
In no way can I agree that the men were being wrong when they yelled at you for drinking.
Drink to enjoy toxic grape juice. Don't drink to get smashed. Never overdo it. Don't overdo donuts; don't overdo alcohol.
well, now I'm feeling a little guilty. hopefully someone responds to this comment to either reject or affirm my fear that maybe I, too, emotionally abused my ex.
my boyfriend at the time and I went to 2 different colleges, and I would always have to drive to see him at his college. I would stay overnight at his apartment, and sometimes he would get so drunk to the point he was in the bathroom puking. I would get upset at him because there was no reason for him to get that drunk when it was just the two of us at his apartment. I don't think I ever called him names while he did that, but I would sleep on the couch and pout.
sometimes when we went to parties, he would get that drunk again and start texting his ex girlfriend. he would lie to me about who he was talking to. again, I would get pissed and sleep on the couch at his place again. he even cried in the bathroom while I tried to explain to him that his lies about his ex girlfriend made me feel like he didn't RESPECT my feelings and that I couldn't trust him.
I know he was emotionally abusive to me. he did call me a cock tease and tell his ex girlfriend I was too stupid to love. But now I am wondering if my behaviors were just as bad. :/
and to add on to my comment, I was definitely emotionally abusive when he became my ex. I found out he started dating the girl he cheated on me with that he swore up and down that he didn't have feelings for. I stupidly forgave him for cheating on me, but as soon as we stopped talking, he was dating her. when he tried to get in contact with me while in a relationship with her, I called him a lying cheating whore. :/ my ex is seriously the most dishonest, untrustworthy, hypocritical, lying, cheating back stabber that I've ever met. I didn't know this while we were dating, so I never said it to him then, but I don't hesitate to tell him that now. :/
i hate guys who make u feel guilty. WTF?
i have experienced that, and i walked away from that relationship, with help.
"I'm doing it because I have too much respect for you. Respect that you clearly do not deserve."
i've heard that line from my dad too many times to count. yeah, he's lying, too.
only time i ever tell someone i have "too much respect" for them is when i'm talking about other stuff, like things i won't say or do to them because of it, never because of their actions...that's just stupid.
A person cannot honestly say they have respect for you and, in the same breath, tell you you don't deserve that respect because______. They clearly have NO respect for you at that point, and are trying to manipulate you, and make you dependent on them by believing you don't deserve anyone who treats you better than they do. But of course, you do deserve better. Tell him that and walk away, with your head held high.
i was in a relationship with a guy who was verbally and emotionally abusive as well. i walked out, i finally just got too fed up. NEVER AGAIN will i let someone treat me like that. my boyfriend now treats me like gold. nobody deserves that kind of treatment.
if someone berates you..then they do not "respect" you. and they never will.
@pouttwistsing@xanga - no. it doesn't seem like you were in the wrong. you were just responding to his bullshit antics. and in typical jerk fashion, he tried to turn it around on you, to make you think you were the one at fault. my ex used to pull that with me.
thank your lucky stars you're not with that douchebag anymore. find a guy who doesn't lie to you or treat you like that. nobody deserves that.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - If it doesn't make you comfortable then you have every right to speak your mind. It's different if you tell the other person that what they're doing makes them a bad person. That's manipulation and control. What you feel uncomfortable with is a different story and you had every right to speak your mind as long as it is in a respectful manner.
@LoveMeDeux@xanga - Walk away. I've been there. My ex who I mentioned (Nick) once gave me an ambien to help me sleep. It didn't. Instead it caused me to freak out. The next day he made me feel like shit about it even though HE is the one that gave me the pill. It's a dangerous road. Walk away while you can. I mean that.
@quiversound@xanga - I know you're going to hate me for saying this but you're still young. Your opinions on that MAY change. That being said, my ex who is in question drank all the time. He was basically an alcoholic who didn't admit it. He was also a drug addict who cheated on me multiple times. So to tell me that I am a horrible person for having a few drinks and singing loudly at a party is hypocritical and wrong.
@pouttwistsing@xanga - In my opinion, what you did while you were dating is not wrong. You told him that what he was doing made YOU feel shitty. You did not tell him that was he was doing made him a shitty person. Drinking to the point of puking is dangerous for him and texting his ex? Then lying about it? That would drive anyone insane. As for what happened after you broke up I say: breakups are rough. We all say/do things we regret. It is not the same as telling someone you love them simply so you can control them.
@Non_Cherie@xanga - It's manipulative and NO ONE should tell you that you're undeserving of respect. It's wrong.