Thursday, 03 December 2009
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"I Didn't Want to Kiss Him Back"
When I think of cheating, I always thought it was sex. And I always thought it was something that was "this is it" no way around it. You do it on purpose. I never planned on it and never thought I could do it. Especially to the man I plan(ned) on marrying. I guess I was wrong...
At 1 a.m., I got a text from his screen name on AIM (my AIM is mobile) saying he hates me, never loved me, never wanted to see me again, and called me the "C" word.
Not knowing what to do, I called my friend, actually one of my best friends to come and pick me up. "omg. I'm omw." Four minutes later, I was in his truck. Driving 40 in a 15 back to his house 2 blocks away. I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't speak. He put his arm around me and I just grabbed onto him and sobbed into his tee shirt. I knew he used to like me, and he's told me before he would love to have dated me...I looked at him as my big brother, as I do most of my guy friends. He kept hugging me and I was shaking. He started kissing my forehead and then my cheeks, and then me. I didn't want to kiss him back. But I didn't stop. I wish I would have known then what I know now.
I just sat there. No energy. No passion. Nothing. I couldn't think of anyone but the man I love. When I get nervous, my legs shake pretty badly. This morning...my entire body was shaking...He slid his hand up my shirt and I pushed it away...He just held me tight and kept kissing me. He told me it would be okay, and went into the bathroom. Seconds...seconds later my cell goes off...It was him. I didn't even know what to say...And then the worst that could happen...
Someone hacked my account Abby.
I didn't want to believe it. Yet, I didn't want to believe he could ever say such things to me...and then I told him. I guess it could have ended way worse than it did. I could have slept with my friend. I could have had my bf tell me to suck it and never speak to me again.
But what hurts the most is knowing I should have just called him. Why didn't I just pick up the damn phone?
He's forgiven me...Or at least he says. I don't know who it's bugging more, me or him. I don't know if he's just pretending to be okay to make me feel better, or if he understands, or if he's just being brave and is dying on the inside just as I am.
It hurt to hear his voice, but it killed me on the inside to look him in the eyes.
So now here we are. I feel disgusting. I can't stop brushing my teeth, because I keep thinking it'll wash the bad taste out of my mouth. The scummy feeling I have that just won't go away.
Will I ever be able to forgive myself? Will he ever honestly forgive me and trust me and love me the same?
Everything he has gone through...he didn't deserve this.
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- From: may16abby@xanga
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Comments (76)
all you did was kiss the other guy?
o_o you didn't kiss him back. but i do think it was pretty foolish of you to call a guy that used to like you to use him as a comfort bag. sounds like you're just leading him on..
Kissing s not cheating. You will be fine.
This guy is NOT your friend, no matter how much you want to think he is. You should not feel guilty because you did nothing wrong. Yeah, you could have called your bf but that doesn't excuse your friend's slimy behavior. You didn't call your best friend to have a make-out session. You called him for comfort and he took advantage of you. Yeah, it wasn't sex, but what he did is still inexcusable.
Aw, man, that is tough! I hope you guys will be ok.
Everyone makes mistakes. If we were to look at people and only see their past mistakes, the world wouldn't be such a happy place. If you want to believe him when he says he forgives you, you haveta forgive yourself completely first.
it's okay. you probably were too hysterical to even think. but yeah you should've called. :T
however, next time call up a diff guy/girl friend. this guy sounds like he wanted to take advantage of this rebound moment.
sounds like you learned a lesson.
well look,i mean,you were obviously hurt and when people are hurt they go blind.
you immediately went for help and turned to one of ur best friends-which is normal.
and HE took advantage of YOU,when someones that hurt,their super fragile and therefore do things without thinking like how u did.
if ur bf forgave u it was because he loves you.& of course its gunna hurt him,but at least u confessed what u did to him and the good thing is ur still together.whether or not hes gunna get over it soon is another story; and the incident that happened to u is like a lesson to confirm before you assume.
so dont take it to hard on yourself,you didnt mean to do what you did and you love him,so enjoy every moment you have with him as you should.
because if u keep having this on ur concience its prolly what that Abby girl wanted to do,to make u feel like shit,so dont let her get what she wants.
@saharita14@xanga - Thank you so much. That was amazing advise. He really does love me, and I got really lucky having a man like him. & I'm Abby girl :) And it is making me feel like shit, haha. BUT I have him to talk to, and now when I feel like somethings wrong, I call immediatly.
@Pcgecko85@xanga - Oh yes I did.
@snapeful@xanga - It was a long time ago that he liked me. He's had lots of relationships since. Plus he was a best friend. Emphasize the "was"
@And_I_love@xanga - Yes, just a kiss.
Thank you all for your comments and amazing words.
Kissing is indeed cheating, if the person being "cheated" on believes it to be. She didn't do it on purpose. I blame the guy, not her. We have reconciled it all, not that it bothered me much to begin with. All is well between us now.
He is no friend. He blatantly used this as an opportunity to get closer to you. Maybe on a conscious level he thought that such physical interaction would've helped your hurt, but deep down, it was a selfish gesture aimed at his own gratification by creating a situation in which he could 'be with you', if only for a moment. He was helping himself more than he was helping you.
Don't be too hard on yourself, but don't misinterpret that statement. By all means, be hard on yourself, guilt and shame and regret all have their places and can lead to healthy things just as much as they can lead to unhealthy things. But don't let it weigh you down. Accept it and move on. You didn't make the move, and even though you could've stopped it, don't hold yourself up to some impractical standard such as "I should never make mistakes." Mistakes are okay as long as you realize that they are, in fact, mistakes, and though one should strive to never repeat mistakes, sometimes shit happens. Just remember to keep trying.
You obviously care very deeply about your boy. Hopefully he can forgive you, he honestly should be able to. If there's any reason why he wouldn't be able to...that honestly probably isn't your fault.
Kissing is cheating, despite the views held by the self-serving, but given the circumstances, and given how far you didn't let it go, I wouldn't label you a cheater.
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - Wow, thats deep.
Hunny, he kissed you.
You didn't kiss him back.
You were upset
It could have been much worse
You told him immediatly
He knows all of those points. He has forgiven you. Time will heal it. I promise x
meh, no kind words here. that was stupid of you.
It was dumb to pick him to cry to, yes, but don't beat yourself up over what happened. You didn't WANT to kiss him back, you thought things were over so therefore it isn't really cheating.
'fess up to the guy you love, honesty will help relieve your guilt.
looking back you always see what you could have done, but in the moment its MUCH different.
and that's a pretty shitty guy friend to take advantage of you like that. I mean you were hysterically crying and he decides that's a good time to kiss you and put his hands up your shirt?
you seriously need to ditch that "friend"
Don't feel guilty for it...he took advantadge of you
@Acadianspartan@xanga - I love you more than words can explain.
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - I agree, that was deffinitly deep, and one of the best responses. I agree, I am being hard on myself. It will be in the back of my mind for a very, very long time.
@Pink_TeaCups@xanga - Thank you so much
@atmaster@xanga - That just made me laugh, not gonna lie.
@breaking_expectations@xanga - I already told him. I told him the moment I found out his account was hacked.
@raspberryjade@xanga - He's been ditched. For sure.
@Mac_Libureet@xanga - thanks
Abby, I wish you all the best.
I have no idea what to say, except I wish you all the best in whatever happens.
I know exactly what you mean... I've cheated twice before... once by accident and once on purpose... It was a really messy, chaotic love triange for weeks, and there is a whole back story that I don't have time or space to explain so don't judge me. The first was with my (now) ex and my current bf. While I was dating my ex, I had a strong attraction to my current, and we ended up in a bet where I was shirtless. I ended up kissing him... yeah, I'm not proud of the situation. I couldn't look in my (now) ex's eyes for a week. The next time, I was dating my current and talking to my ex (who I was still in love with... like i said, crazy situation). We ended up talking at my house while my family was all out, and one thing led to another and before I knew it, we were having sex. I felt absolutely horrible and told my boyfriend right away. He forgave me for it, understanding the situation and all its complexities, and now we're as close as two people can be. I guess that made it easier, but I still felt horrid about what had happened.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - No, I don't think it was him, I had actually been hanging out with that friend with some other people early on in the day. He wouldn't have had the time.
Thank you so much, I wish you the best as well :)
@LyricWolfBlackthorn@xanga - I don't judge you at all. I agree, it can be so very complicated. I'm happy to hear it worked out for you! Thats an awesome thing.
@may16abby@xanga - Thanks ^_^ I hope things work out just as well if not better for you :)
@may16abby@xanga - Hmm.. all the same, it's rather unkind to force a guy with those feelings back. But otherwise make sure you're more cautious next time. I woudln't consider it cheating but emotional cheating is something that I'd watch out for.
@snapeful@xanga - Not really the same, but I respect where your coming from.