Thursday, 03 December 2009

  • Ever Had a Selfish Lover?


    Aren't there are some songs that you've listened to over and over and over again for days on end?  It could be one of your favorite songs, for instance.  It could be a song that reminds you of a special person.  It could be your 'couple' song.  It could remind you of a particular period in your life and so forth.  Sometimes, however, we listen to a certain song over and again because of its lyrics or tune. 

    Well I have a particular song in mind.  Lily Allen's "Not Fair" debuted in February 2009 and every time I hear it I think back to this past summer.  Early in September this year I heard one of my sons play a particular song on YouTube over and over again.  At first I wasn't really paying attention.  However as he kept on playing it for a while (and later got me to do it) I couldn't help but stop in my tracks as I listened in the background.  I must have thought, "OMG was she saying what I thought she is saying?" 

    Actually the lyrics were not only frank but rather amusing.  The tune was catchy too.  Even the video with its Country and Western theme was quite tongue in cheek. And even though this song didn't exactly receive critical acclaim, I liked it so much that I got hooked into playing it quite (ahem) a few times myself for a number of days. It was an ongoing joke in our house for awhile.

    Seriously now.  What's not to like about the song?  After all, it's about relationships.  More specifically its about a girl who is a in relationship with a guy whom she describes as being perfect.  He tells her he loves her, calls her and does everything right - so what's not to like about him?:

    Oh he treats me with respect
    He says he loves me all the time
    He calls me 15 times a day
    He likes to make sure that I'm fine
    You know I've never met a man
    who's made me feel quite so secure
    He's not like all them other boys
    They're all so dumb and immature

    However there is a snag with this relationship.  For it isn't as perfect - ermmm - he isn't as perfect as he seems in bed.  In fact he is sexually incapable of pleasing anyone but himself:

    There's just one thing that's getting in the way
    When we go up to bed you're just no good
    Its such a shame
    I look into your eyes
    I want to get to know you
    And then you make this noise and its apparent it's all over

    This important part of their relationship - their sexual one - frustrates her tremendously.  Why?  Well, she really likes the guy - but outside the bedroom.  In bed its a totally different scenario.  She finds the situation totally unfair and considers her selfish boyfriend as being 'mean' because he doesn't take care of her needs.  And she explicitly explains why:  

    It's not fair
    And I think you're really mean
    I think you're really mean
    I think you're really mean
    Oh you're supposed to care
    But you never make me scream
    You never make me scream

    Oh it's not fair
    And it's really not ok
    It's really not ok
    It's really not ok
    Oh you're supposed to care
    But all you do is take
    Yeah all you do is take

    Oh I lie here in the wet patch
    In the middle of the bed
    I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by
    I spent ages giving head
    Then I remember all the nice things that you ever said to me
    Maybe I'm just overreacting maybe you're the one for me

    I find this song rather amusing and true to life.  Simply because it deals with a situation that women might have experienced with a guy whom, at face value, seems so idyllic.  To my knowledge, not many songs bluntly explain a sexually frustrating situation (from a female point of view) as well as this.  It really hits the message home. 

    And in view of the recent blog discussions concerning whether or not one should wait to and have sex after marriage, well imagine if you ended up with a sexually inept or selfish man as your husband?  Would you, as Lily goes on to say, bear it and tell yourself you are 'over reacting?'  Would you overlook this, if he is perfect in every other way?  How would you deal with it?

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Comments (41)

  • AlfieNgoSYOU@xanga

    Interesting post. I think i would personally not say anything, in fears of upsetting the guy/lowering his self esteem (then again, that would leave me feeling upset and unsatisfied in the end)--depends on how forgiving you are. We can't expect everything to be perfect right?  I think it would only be appropriate to consider him "mean" if he's never really tried to put extra effort into making you feel satisfied, or at least feel a little "good", like just finishing off and totally ignoring you/your needs and does his own thing after.

  • greenglow28@xanga

    that's weird, I asked myself this last night.

    I was thinking what happens if you wait until marriage, and then your husband wants to explore sexual realms that you don't want to explore?

    don't you have to obey his wishes because you are the only one he can explore his fantasies with?

    people who are waiting until marriage argue that they marry out of love and sex isn't important... and they say that they will work through their sexual relationship together. but what if one partner wants to be a little freaky and the other is more refined?

    doesn't this only breed for one partner to seek meet their needs somewhere else? because now you're stuck in a marriage where you're not getting what you want. you waited for this person and now they're not what you had hoped for... this is why establishing sexual connection before marriage is important... at least to me.

    I'm not saying it happens to everyone but I can definitely see it happening.
  • gatorgirl54@xanga

    All the guys I've ever been with have been extremely selfless in bed. They have an obsession with getting me off because it strokes their egos.

    I thought it was typical that guys are worried over whether or not they can please their girl.
  • bass_chick57@lovelyish

    I love that song!!
    and my last boyfriend was totally the same way... except we never actually had sex, but when fooling around he was... inadequate. ha. actually he flat out sucked. and he was very, very selfish about it. Which makes me glad we aren't in a relationship anymore!
  • crazygrampastuey@xanga

    If he's perfect in every other way, then he's probably very accepting of criticism.  He also might already know this, which is why he's so perfect in every other way (to compensate). 

    In my opinion, great sex can be taught / learned - all you need is lotsa practice, amIrite? 

  • greenglow28@xanga

    @crazygrampastuey@xanga - lots of practice... if only this were true :-p I think it can definitely be learned but I'm sure there are a few, unfortunate, hopeless cases out there.
  • HollowTendencies@xanga

    @gatorgirl54@xanga - word


    sometimes guys try too hard though, and it doesn't work.. and i'm just like.. dude.. let it go
    and when they do, that's when they give up and start getting selfish and expect blowjobs 3 times a day. it's not fair that i'm better at it than he is. well, i guess guys are just easier to please. lame.
  • mi_piaci

    well, if he's just bad at it then thats one thing and you can work through it and figure something out that works for both of you. but if he just doesn't care about your needs and only cares about himself then i wouldn't say that's overreacting.

    honestly if your husband waited for sex until you were married then i would think he's a pretty patient guy and wouldn't be selfish in bed. I wouldn't consider a guy who is truly selfish in bed to be the type of guy who would have the patience to wait for you. Or I'd least I hope not, I guess, that would really suck but again, I don't see that as being a likely scenario.
  • StargazingSuzie@xanga

    Sex is just as important as other parts of a relationship to me. I'd tell the guy what was going on and let him learn on how to not be so selfish in bed. Which is the main reason why I don't wait. I want to connect with a guy on all aspects of the relationship before marrying him.

    Oh and I love that song. I used to have it stuck in my head for a while.
  • lovexmyxsmile@xanga
    if the guy is actually 'trying' then it's different. my ex he didn't really put in enough effort - that's plain selfish! although i don't put sex as my #1 priority...after sometime i'd had enough.
  • GaMeGurLsH@xanga

    I'm dating a selfish guy right now. 
  • Meowmeowkimmaee@xanga

    Wow what a song...I guess that can be a real deal-breaker.
  • lusciousddja@xanga

    I LOOK FOR A CERTAIN TYPE OF MAN...IF YOU LOOKED AT PIX OF MY LOVERS THEY WOULD ALL BEAR A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO ONE ANOTHER.  IVE GOT IT DOWN TO A SCIENCE...I AM VERY AGGRESSIVE LOVER AND HAVE A BIG FAT SEXUAL APPETITE, SO I PICK PARTNERS TO COMPLIMENT THAT.  TOGETHER W/ THE EXTERIOR FOIL IM MAD FOR, IT IS EXPLOSIVE WHEN I TAKE A LOVER....


    AND IF YOU HAVE A LOVER THAT DOESNT DO WHAT YOU WANT OR WHAT YOU LIKE ITS BECAUSE YOU ARENT TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO...


    WORD
  • mcmeister89@mancouch

    My last serious gf was pretty selfish. Funny how she was completely fine with me doing things to her, but suddenly when it came time for reciprocation, she was unsure and uncomfortable about fooling around. Apparently it's fine to get fingered, but giving a handjob is just plain weird...
  • Summer_lovin_sweetie@xanga

    haha my fiance is far from perfect in every other way. and he is very selfish in bed. like VERY. and i have told him. he knows, he doesn't care lol and yes i still stay with him in fact we'll be married soon.
  • fatal_mess@xanga

    if you wait until marriage to have sex, then you don't have anything to compare him (or her) to. it's the best thing you've ever experienced because you don't know anything else.
  • rAzOrKisS09@xanga

    My ex boyfriend was extremely selfless in the bedroom. We never had sex but in fooling around, he was always concentrating on me and me alone. However, I was always eager to please as well, so it worked out very well.
  • WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption@xanga

    Well......I have been a selfish lover.  I have never seen it this way. I guess when a guy goes down to eat, I should lick his popsicle treat.

  • jamoncita@xanga

    ha! kinda funny song.  i would talk to my man about it, if i wasn't satisfied.  i have no problem being blunt.  if there's a problem, it can only help the situation.
  • Stalinn@xanga

    That's a really amusing song.
  • JennyGee@xanga

    i must say, as a couples counselor, i doubt that this happens too often- usually people's sexual styles reflect their personality, and if he is selfless in the relationship, i doubt he wouldn't even *try* to please her in bed (ie, by going down on her, even if he's doing it wrong!).  but, i wonder if she even asked him to?

    for me, it wouldn't matter- i'm waiting for marriage knowing full well that this may happen.  i have faith that i will be able to give him enough practice to improve   in fact, the guy i'm just getting involved with is a pretty bad kisser, and has admitted to me that he is not all that well endowed.  but i couldn't care less, because he is the most amazing person i've ever met.  i can see where this would be a bigger issue for more sexual people, though :-/

    and i do love that there is a woman talking about her sexuality in a realistic way in this song!!  we've come a long way

  • JennyGee@xanga

    @greenglow28@xanga - interesting point, and one that i think needs to be addressed if two people are planning on waiting (as i am, so i feel i can weigh in here). 

    first of all, it depends on what you're "saving"- intercourse, nudity, kissing?  in my case, i'm willing to explore sexuality, just no intercourse (and oral only in very rare occasions), so at least you can sort of feel out each other's sexual preferences and attitudes. 

    secondly, it's a very real concern that one partner may not be able to explore their sexuality as much as they like.  i'm down for almost anything, but i can safely say that i am willing to miss out to be with a guy who is otherwise the man of my dreams.  it's a sacrifice we "waiters" must be willing to make.
  • sumtymesiwonder@xanga

    ha been there, done that..sort of. earlier in my relationship with my current bf, we hit a rough spot and he just wasn't getting the job done (not for lack of trying usually, though). first i'd be really mad and frustrated. then i'd think i was over-reacting because he's a wonderful man and boyfriend and i'm lucky to have him.

    this went on for a couple months, but then i'd had it. i couldn't just let it go. we talked it out and now things are WAY better. it's not 100% but then i'm kind of hard to please so i don't blame it all on him.

    @WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption@xanga - haha that is hilarious :)
  • lot223@xanga

    that is one of my biggest concerns - no sexual chemistry. thats why i always make sure JUST in case the next one is the one, lol

  • Chemical_Bindings@xanga

    @gatorgirl54@xanga - Same here. My boyfriend won't finish until I do or, he'll get back at it until we're both equally satisfied... I thought that was how it usually was, lol.

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