Love is so strange. It is intangible, and basically impossible to define, but we always know it. Love is also anything but easy.
In the first 2 years of my relationship with my now-husband, we never fought. Not once. Not even a little argument, a little tiff. We always agreed on where to eat, what movie to see, for whom we would vote, what radio station to listen to, in the car...everything. The honeymoon can't last forever, of course, and I always knew that there would come a time where we would disagree on something, where we would have a fight. Of course, I knew that love would prevail, and we would do our apologizing and then get on to the "making up," which, by all accounts, can be some of the best stuff there is. However, when we finally got to that point, where we no longer agreed on everything, and no longer held anything back, it was a whole other world.
We definitely don't hold back, anymore. Well, at least he doesn't.
If he's upset (and he gets that way, easily and often), I will definitely be made aware. We've gotten into screaming matches which can shake the walls, threatened to leave or to make the other person leave, hurled Tupperware like a discus, and said any number of completely insane, horrible things. The precipitating event is never anything apparently serious. He is constantly shifting moods, from elated and hysterically laughing, to feeling angry, neglected, jealous, or whatever, and when this happens, the tiniest perceived slight, is cause for war. It is so incredibly difficult to live with this behavior.
The weird thing, though, is that I still love him just as much as ever. Sometimes, I really wish that I didn't. He is witty, sharp, funny, bright, engaging, informed, cute, concerned, fashionable, great with the kids (most of the time), and
can be great fun. He is very good to cuddle with, and he never makes me feel ugly, even when I am feeling really down about my jeans getting too tight, or my head looking like a pumpkin, in some holiday snapshot. I feel totally comfortable, around him, so long as his mood is stable. I'm not usually afraid to tell him anything. He really believes in an egalitarian relationship. He helps a lot with the girls. He respects women. He respects all other beliefs, nationalities, ethnic groups, etc., and he can be friends with anybody. He likes to try new things, new foods and new drinks. He has a wicked sense of humor, once he's comfortable enough with someone to reveal it. He's still the only person I can
REALLY see myself growing old with, even though I do find myself quite regularly attracted to other people...all of these things are totally good, and totally true, and totally essential, and I can't imagine finding any other person who might be like this. However, all of those things that I totally adore, don't seem to carry enough weight, when his mood is impossible to predict, he can become unhinged at a moment's notice, and I have begun to feel like I am living in a refugee camp.
Like a pendulum, we swing back and forth. Can we make this work? One day, he is a monster, a Mr. Hyde who would eviscerate me, with his words, and the next day, he is the man I have always known, who mutters an apology for yesterday's foolishness, offers a hug, and suggests we spend the day together, shopping or something. The complete lack of stability and predictability, is emotionally exhausting. People complain about getting into a rut; at this point, I am praying for a nice rut.
A lot of couples, who are contemplating divorce, seem to have had some major betrayal or issue, which is the cause of a great rift. The question is always whether or not they can reconcile, whether one party can forgive the other. This is not the case, with us. I love him just as desperately as I ever have, and I also admit that there is probably no other man on earth, who would love me in the way that he does. I am not a beautiful woman. I am not really conventionally desirable, so to speak. I am the kind of woman whom some older man might marry, for my companionship, care, and cooking abilities, or that some guy might hook up with, if he was playing wingman, to his buddy who wanted to take my friend home, from the bar. Past boyfriends always paid me complements, which were actually insults. One ex told me that the greatest thing about me was that I was, apparently, phenomenal at performing a specific sexual act. This was supposed to pass for a complement? The greatest (GREATEST!) thing about my entire being, was how I had a minimal gag reflex??? Thanks a million. Others have told me that they would marry me, if we were both, like, 50 years old, but while they were young and good looking, they might as well get as much premium tail, as possible. Josh has never felt this way. He has always loved me, for who I am, and not expected me to be something that I could not possibly be, and held me accountable for falling short of some outside, impossible standard. If I leave him, I must be prepared for a long and lonely road.
On the one hand, I want to believe that where there is love, there is always hope. On the other hand, a marriage is not just "him and me" or "you and I." A
MARRIAGE is its own entity. There is him, there is me, and there is the marriage. A relationship is always its own thing. That's why relationship is a noun, and not a verb or an adjective. It is something completely new, formed by the love of two people, much like a newborn baby. It needs attention and care to grow, thrive, and live. Therefore, how much I love my husband, and what I feel for him, does not necessarily mean that our marriage is good and healthy, or even that it can be saved. I have always loved him, and I love other people, in different ways, and I have even loved other men, in the past. But aside from my love, for my husband, there have always been reasons why our relationship was worthwhile, and why it was great.
First of all, we had great sex. I mean, GREAT SEX. And lots of it. In the dorm where I used to live, in college, people on other floors, knew me as the girl whose boyfriend was always over, who was always locked in her room for hours, having sex. It's not exactly the kind of thing that a girl wants to be known for, but it could have been worse. Actually, he is not the most endowed partner or technically gifted lover I have ever known, but the way we worked together, was just perfect, and the closeness we shared (and the fun we had), was amazing. Even when we were totally broke, and had no money to leave the house or do anything fun, we could always keep ourselves perfectly entertained, on a cold winter's night. At our heyday, we were having sex 3-6 times a day, every day. Now, that is gone. Like, totally. Partly because of work schedules and outside responsibilities, partly because of having kids, and mostly because of his antidepressants, we have no sex life at all. The irony is that I have more of a sex drive than ever, and I find myself begging for sex. He has no sex drive at all, and my needs have begun to annoy him. If monasteries took agnostics, I think he'd be a shoe-in for monk of the year (he still likes to read and drink beer; I think he really missed his calling). All joking aside, it has begun to be a major problem. No sex, little fun, and nothing but fighting, are making me think that the marriage is coding, and I am getting ready to call time of death. I don't, though; I am keeping it on life support, because no matter how little quality of life there is, in the
relationship, I still love
HIM so much.
My best friend says that whether we divorce, or not, is just a matter of how much I can tolerate, how bad my day-to-day life can be, before I cut him out. On the one hand, I agree, but on the other hand, I desperately want to hope that he can change. Women seem to be either inherently pessimistic about a man's ability to change, or are overly willing to believe that a total turd is going to evolve into Prince Charming. I want to believe that Josh can change for the better, because, well, he changed for the worse, so why can't he go back? And also, I am not wanting him to become something totally different, from what he has always been. He is not a born handyman, he is not a buff beefcake, he is not exhilarating and adventurous, and he is not a titan of industry. What he has always been, though, is a sweet, kind, sensitive, gentle man, a caring friend and lover, a reliable partner, who is always there, through the good and the bad. I married that man, and I pledged to him that for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, I would be his wife. Now, it seems, we are experiencing the "worse," the "sickness." His sickness has eclipsed the good, gentle, kind friend, and created an explosive, volatile, sometimes frightening mash-up of opposing personalities and moods, and for this reason, I fear for our marriage, for myself, and for him.
In talking to my closest friend, she has told me that she totally supports my leaving. She said that it will be tough, for sure; I might have to move back in with my parents, I might lose my car, I will lose my insurance, and I will be alone. Still, I will have safety and security in not having to cater to the mood swings of someone who makes me walk on eggshells, in my own home. It was then, though, that I expressed my concerns for him. Even if we were to divorce, I cannot walk away without caring. How does love turn to hate, in so many people? I simply lack the venom, I think...I am not a vindictive person. Once I love,
really love, I will love forever. If we cannot live together, as husband and wife, I will still care for him, forever. I will still crave his presence in my life. I will still think of him, at the holidays, and wish he was there. I will still hope for his success in his career, and hope that he finds happiness and companionship with someone else, because I would not want him to be alone. I will worry about him, if he is sick or hurt. I will see shirts and books and things he would like, when I am out shopping, and part of me will wish that I could buy them for him, and bring them home, just to make him smile.
Are all of these things signs that we should not divorce? Is divorce only for people, for whom the love has died, or is it still the right answer, when you love someone so much that your heart would burst, except that your heart has already been broken into hundreds of pieces, by all of their daily slight abuses, small betrayals, broken promises, cold touch, and hurtful words?
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Comments (35)
you have kids? stay together
divorce is a way to kill your children
or at least i died
i couldnt show my parents how hurtful i was but i killed myself
thank God, i have heard th gospel of Jesus and i am experiencing his love in new mercy everyday
did you try to change yourself as well? im sure you did.but anyway
put some more flowers in your garden, the hungry bee will eventually come
and Love your kids..just be lovely
your husband is just tired from work and doesnt know how to release stress.
and if youre concerned this much which seems like a lot.......... u dont want a divorse
u just want better
and if you STILL Love him and STILL Gonna care and THINK about him and evyrthing
STAY TOGETHERR
i think you should talk to a lot of people
as in ppl in right kind of church./ people with good wisdom
(as a child of divorced parents not too long ago,...)
^that is a good point. my parents divorced when i was four and i still feel scarred by it 15 years later.
i would say... can you talk to his doctor about this and try a
different kind of anti-depressant? sometimes hormones have a lot to do
with mood swings...
saying a prayer for your family.
You should do what you think is right. Divorce isn't about people who don't love each other anymore, but rather people who have realized that life would be better if they weren't together. Do what you think will benefit you more in the long run whether it be mentally, physically, and/or emotionally. (Also, I really disagree with the stay together for the kids idea. My parents are not divorced, but they have caused me much more damage together than they would have apart.)
yeah. maybe it wasn't so much them being divorced as it was the idea that they didn't love one another anymore.
It sounds like you have a love-hate relationship with your husband... which is quite normal at some periods of our relationships. All I can say is, don't give up so easily.
It sounds like there is still a lot of hope. I mean, you still would prefer for the relationship to improve. You still have many positive things to say about your husband. You said you'd actually think about him a lot and *already* know you'd miss him. People who think they hate their spouses and would never miss them after divorce end up missing them, and you seem a lot more fond of him than that. Try some serious marriage counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. My dad is a Psy.D. and a huge amount of what he does is therapy for struggling marriages. When even one person is interested in fixing the relationship, there is plenty of hope. He has been able to help clients avert divorce even when one spouse is so resistant that he/she (usually he) won't even come to counseling. Even then he can often help the one spouse learn how to deal with the other in such a way that the other spouse's behavior improves and the stress is reduced (and in very successful situations eventually the resistant spouse comes along eventually, willing to change, and does). The only times where he really feels he can't do anything is when both people are already totally set on divorce and they come to counseling basically to be able to justify themselves and say, "We even tried counseling and that didn't help."
Fact: The research is now saying that divorce is on average a more stressful life event than the death of a spouse.
Also, there has been research on the effects it has on children. Unless there is serious abuse going on in the family, children do better if their parents stay together. Look up the peer-reviewed, well-researched stuff. I did some quick browsing and I found it interesting on this research-review type article that it mentioned one reason divorce is especially stressful for children is that in a "bereavement" situation, when a parent dies, family and friends usually rally around the survivors and provide as much comfort and assistance as they can, but in a divorce situation the support network usually breaks apart or becomes more distant for various reasons. Sounds like death is almost less awful than divorce for kids, too, in some ways. You aren't the only one who would be alone. Your kids would feel alone, too, and would carry the sad memories of divorce for life.
Nobody on Xanga, none of your girlfriends, none of your relatives, nobody but you can decide if divorce is worth it, and usually you can only decide that for sure after the fact. But do some research. Even if your husband seems absolutely unable to change on his own back to the nice guy he was, maybe getting some outside professional assistance would help him onto that road. If he is willing to go to therapy, you are fortunate! (Therapy is a lot cheaper than divorce, too. Oh, and if the first therapist you try sucks, find another. Not all of them are created equal, unfortunately.) And if that really doesn't work and you have tried everything, well, at least you know you gave it your best. Think it all through and avoid snap decisions. (You are obviously thinking things through already!) You don't sound like you really want to get divorced at this point (otherwise, you wouldn't have written this). Whatever you do, don't let someone else decide for you. Best of luck. Blessings. Peace. I don't know if you can or will respond to these comments or update us on what happens, but I really wish you, your marriage, and your family the very best.
Thank you for the comments, thus far. Especially to DistantStarlight, for offering real evidence-based support, for her post. As for some of the other comments, I appreciate them all, but sometimes, life is more difficult than "putting more flowers in your garden." Getting emotionally trampled, is not fixed by simply making yourself a more ornamental and desirable doormat.
That having been said, I definitely do have a great deal of concern, for the welfare of my children. That is my top priority, in any situation. However, witnessing our profound dysfunction and unhappiness, together, might not always be better, than to experience us, apart, not fighting. Time will tell, but I am holding onto hope.
awww, don't give up!
Divorce is messy, but so is fighting and abuse. My parents got divorced before I was one. my life was dysfunctional, but that's mainly because neither of my parents were in my life at all really.
go with your heart. or your gut. or your mind. whatever works best for you, and sorry this is probably a really pointless, confusing comment.
sounds like you do love him a lot and sometimes there's just these bumps in the road that we happen to go by and sometimes it's unbearable other times we are able to overcome those obstacles.
a divorce can be really messy if you go through with it. my mom's going through one right now with her ex husband, they have 4 children and it's getting worse and worse every day. i look into those children's eyes and i can't help but cry for them. my little sister is 9 and she's super sad that her parents couldn't work their marriage out. it's really tough on the kids.
but do what's best for yourself and your children.
i can relate to this so much! I've been married for almost three years, and we have a son, and sometimes I think I only stayed because it was the easiest thing to do. My husband has a problem with marijuana, and constantly chooses that over me. I've told him I would leave if he ever did it again..about 4 times now. I kissed another guy though, and I think that was the wake up call he needed. As sick as it sounds, I now feel like we're even, and can start over. So far, things are great. I just know I won't use my son as a reason to stay, because I know he hates when we argue. He's only 2, but he can tell when we aren't getting along. Fuck anyone that says divorce is the worst thing to do for the kids. No kid is selfish enough to want their parents to be miserable.
sorry this was so long. lol I just thought you'd like to know there are others in the same situation, and just as confused.
no... don't think about divorce... maybe he just needs to see someone and go talk things out and all.... just keep trying on him. I understand it's hard, but marriage, is a forever deal [imo]. and esp if you have kids. you need to learn to work things out. anything but divorce. [unless he's abusive]
:( *hugs*
No, don't jump to divorce just yet although I know that you must have been thinking about it for some time now to blog about it. Keep trying to work things through and definitely take distantstarlight's advice. You still love him and although he may be slightly abusive and negligent, it sounds like he still loves you too. Best wishes hun.
@petitee_curli@xanga - staying together when you should split up is just as damaging, and sometimes even more detrimental to children than divorce.
I suggest your husband see a psychologist, because if he is so easily switching from + to - at a drop of a hat, there could be a physiological or psychological issue underlying this shift in moods.
I think this is a crucial period in your relationship and you should stick by him. He seems to be trying to get better as well. It seems that he cannot control his mood swings and he is taking the drugs to help him get better. Encourage him to beat his problem. Imagine you were hit with the same problem, wouldn't you expect him to stick by you through thick and thin? You also have children together and you should not let the father of your children deteriorate on his own. He also seems to be a good father as well. If you leave him, he might take a turn for the worse. But if he turns dangerous and violent to you, then you need to leave to protect your family. Best of luck with everything.
It sounds like he is having some psychological issues. I don't know whether you've already tried to confront him with this, but I would suggest doing so before going for a divorce. If he refuses to seek psychological help, then leave. Make it an ultimatum because it seems at this point that is appropriate. I really hope for you that he gets help, maybe try couples therapy as well. I hope the best for you. =( This made me sad to read. You seem like a really beautiful person and you deserve to be happy.
What did he say when you showed him this blog?
You will make the best decision for you and your family. Good luck to you. It's hard thing to contemplate.
Christy
What is missing here, of course, is your husband's views on the situation. But even if it was here, it is still hard to give another couple advice. So one tends to fall back on platitudes and they are of no help either.
You wrote: "He is constantly shifting moods, from elated and hysterically laughing, to feeling angry, neglected, jealous, or whatever, and when this happens, the tiniest perceived slight, is cause for war. It is so incredibly difficult to live with this behavior."
It is clear that this behaviour is a major contributor to your unhappiness. It is damaging.
You also wrote he is on anti-depressant medication. If he's taking anti-depressants, there is a reason. Have you talked to a psychologist yourself about this, to seek advice? Perhaps a change in medication might help, or perhaps therapy might do a better job.
The second advice one could think of, -and I'm sure you have too- is marital counseling. This has been suggested in other comments too. In other words, do not consider divorce before you have tried all the other options. That's a platitude, I'm sorry, but you could also think of getting advice yourself (on your own) from a marriage counselor in how to tackle the situation best. Especially if your husband is not keen on counseling. That way, you can make sure that you try every possible route to recovery.
Forgive me for being forward, but I am sensing that you tend to undervalue yourself. That would be perfectly natural in the situation you are in. But also, it could have a negative effect in itself. Some men, consciously or not, react badly to it. They may take you for granted (she will never leave me anyway!), or would like to see you a bit more confident. These are things you can work on. Believe in yourself.
Having each gone through a divorce ourselves (we write our blog in tandem and relationships are very often the topic), I think it is fair to say that for us, there was life after divorce, but also that the price to get to a new life is steep. Especially since you clearly love your husband and you really want things to revert back to better times.
I really, really wish you all the best. We know all too well what you are going through right now.
Jan
i don't know what to say and yet i wish i could give you more... i'm sorry you're going through this and i hope things get better
You mentioned that he is on antidepressants, so I can pretty safely assume that he has gone to either therapist or a pyschiatrist for treatment. If this is the case, you might want to see if you can get in contact with his doctor and tell them about what is going on. If this kind of behavior started around the time his depression symptoms began OR after he started anti-depressants, it could be chemically related, or he could have been misdiagnosed and actually have manic depressive disorder, which requires different handling than normal depression.
You might also want to consider seeing a therapist together, since obviously communication is not at it's best right now. The combination of those two might help bridge the gap and restore your marriage.
If he ever hurts you, though? Grab your children and get the hell out of dodge.
@hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga - Best post.
Antidepressants can have adverse effects too, like anger and aggression. Maybe he should get off the medication altogether and see a psychologist weekly?
This sounds like an abusive relationship, as much as you may not want to admit it. He needs to get help for his problem or you need to start thinking about your alternatives. Even though your self-esteem is non-existent, your mental health and the health of your children is more important than tolerating his mood swings. The two of you need to seek out counseling - and he definitely needs his own therapist. There's no reason that you should have to cater to him like a spoiled child.
For those people who said divorce scarred them as children, I have no doubt that it did. And I also have no way of knowing what your familial situation was. But in a situation where it is a toxic environment, where it's essentially an abusive relationship, it is always better for the kids to have a stable and loving home with one parent, instead of a toxic home with two.
My parents divorced when I was four and it was the best thing they could have ever done for me. Whatever you do, absolutely DO NOT stay in the marriage "for the kids". No loving child wants their parent/s to suffer unnecessarily so they can live in ignorance. Divorce is not the end of the world like some people would like to believe. It actually improves relationships in a lot of cases.
It seems there is still hope. Some marriages go through some extremely rough patches...
Don't give up. You still love him....there is hope.
Maybe you two should separate for a little while...maybe a take a month away from each other...This worked for one of my friend's marriage. They just needed time to think about stuff and each other.....
Don't just decide to divorce so soon. If you work out your problems, there is sweet victory on the other side and you're relationship will mean even more to you...I know plenty of people who've been through HELL in their marriages but have worked it out...and now they cherish each other even more. There's a reason why marriage is until death....It takes a strong individual to stick with it....and I believe that you are strong.
Also, have you talked to him about how you're feeling?