Wednesday, 02 December 2009
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Is There Truth Behind This Quote?
"If he ain't sleeping with you, he ain't sleeping alone"
I've been with my boyfriend now for 1 1/2 years. He's a bartender and works late hours. When he gets off of work, he is usually still wide awake and needs to wind down from the rush at work. He use to come home and pass out on the couch watching tv. Occasionally he would go to a friends house to play video games or drink and pass out. Lately it seems that is happening more often. I checked my calendar today and after I started adding it up within the last 10 days, he has not come home 7 nights. Now does this necessarily mean that he's cheating on me? NO. But it is starting to make me wonder and question what is really going on here... if it's something more than just winding down.
And I tell myself no, he would never cheat on me. He said so from day one. He was hurt in the past years ago by his ex-fiance cheating on him and swore he would drop me in a second if I did the same. I would think the feeling is mutual and he would never as well.
But as I look back and try to remember... when was the last time we were actually intimate with each other? I don't recall how long ago it has been. It's been at least a month if not two months. What I do recall was that he woke me up in the middle of night, tried to take of my clothes and to my surprise half way into it he actually "wakes up". He has a tendency to sleep walk and talk and apparently have sleep sex as well.
So I thought back to this quote and wonder is he sleeping alone? I know you can't answer this question for me, I just needed to write down my frustrations. I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about how it hurts me when he doesn't come home. He didn't seem to care that it bothered me because he still does it. I also have tried talking about the lack of our intimacy and he just says how our schedules are so opposite and he knows... but doesn't do anything about it. I'm not saying it's all him, but when I have tried, he's too tired or he's too sore or he's just not here for me to try anything with.
Have any of you been in a similar situation? How did you handle it or did you just deal with it?
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- From: pinkpeekaboo@xanga
- Name: pinkpeekaboo
- About Me: I don't like my screenname so I'm working on credits to change it. My stupid idea to use my favorite color and pet's name sounded good at the time. As far as blogging goes, sometimes I think I have really great ideas and other times I think I just need to vent.
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Comments (29)
The thing about relationships is that it is good to be optimistic, but you can't just assume a person won't cheat. You aren't really different from any other girl, and that you will eventually get hurt by someone. The best you can do is trust him with your love, and that he won't make that mistake this time around.
hmm, this would be some good food for conversation, huh? (aka: communicate w/ your bf...)
It's not just the fact that he's not coming home every night like he's supposed to. There are small things that you probably don't consciously notice that contribute to the feeling that he's pulling away from you emotionally -- your intuition. We (as women) equate emotional intimacy with physical intimacy. When you feel that he's drawing back emotionally, we automatically assume it's a physical withdrawal as well. If you don't think he's trying hard enough to meet you halfway, you're probably right.
With that said, I don't think the quote itself is necessarily true. :)
False quote, just a girl trying to prove that all men are bastards type of quote.
I think most guys will go through that at some point though. Where the sexual desire for your partner dies down a little bit. I went through that as well with my last girlfriend, so of course she thought the same that I was out trying to sleep around. Not so, just bodily desires change, after a little while it usually comes back though (and sometimes comes back even stronger than before). Add in stress, and exhaustion and it'll definitely add up on the guy. In my case I wouldn't go over to friends houses, but I would sleep on the couch alone a lot. I sleep sex often too, I try to make sure I never sleep next to a girl who is not my gf for that fact (whether I'm in a relationship or not) heh.
i don't agree with the quote. as far as your relationship, i wouldn't assume he is cheating. but if he knows there are intimacy problems and doesn't care to work on them, it seems he may have checked out of the relationship. =/
Not necessarily cheating, but why isn't coming home? Do you at least know where he is on those nights?
i don't agree with the quote. and i also don't think he's cheating. just talk to him about it and try to find some time in your schedules for each other. maybe setting aside a certain time to hang out or go out?
"But as I look back and try to remember... when was the last time we were actually intimate with each other?"
I like this guy and he liked me back. We flirted a lot and it makes me feel connected to him. But we've been going through silence for weeks and its making me insecure too ):
Wow. That's shitty.
Eh. That quote's basically a paranoid woman's view of life.
It could be true, in some situations, but I'm pretty sure it's not.
"He's a bartender and works late hours." Being a bartender can be a very strenuous job especially when you're working late hours and especially when you have to deal with assholes at the bar. He's just tired and stressed. Just because he's not coming home everyday like he used to does not mean that he's cheating.
It's easy to jump to the conclusion that he may be cheating if he's not coming home and you guys live together. But the part where he's not willing to talk about the lack of intimacy is a big no-no. Something is obviously bothering him and his unwillingness to communicate is going to increase your doubts and trust.
I've experienced this before (lack of intimacy, picking fights, too tired to talk, going out with friends all the time) where my ex wasn't physically cheating at the moment but he was definitely on the check out line.
I suggest you sit him down and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. Even bartenders get a day off."I also have tried talking about the lack of our intimacy and he just says how our schedules are so opposite and he knows... but doesn't do anything about it."
VERY un-guy-like. If he knows your schedules are different and isnt making time for sexytime anyway, then I'd have some reason to be concerned. Most guys will make time for intimacy if it kills them.
Tell him you need time together, just the two of you, and MAKE the time. You need it. If he can't do that for you then you should have a serious talk, and it doesn't matter if you're tired. I'm sure bartenders have days off.
talk to him when he hasn't been working all day.. ask if you can go with him next time he decides to hang out at a friend's house. that's weird, why doesn't he just come home to "wind down"....
Trust your gut instint.
My ex bf a long time ago would do that to me, as well as forget to answer texts, call me back, cancel plans at the drop of a hat. I always suspected him cheating...
turns out...I WAS THE OTHER GIRL! haha, how crummy is that?
I think that it's one of those quotes that may be true for many, but not all.
I agree with a lot of comments on here. You need to trust your intuition on this one. Deep down, if you think he's cheating, he probably is. Most people won't come right out and admit it.
sleep sex is a real thing, you know.
even if he isn't cheating, it seems there's a problem with him not listening, talking about the issue, or seeming to care about intimacy which you should address (how is something only you can answer).
Talk to him!
just be upfront with him and ask him. in my opinion, if you feel something, you might be onto something.
Eh, Follow him.
talk to him heart to heart. see whats up and whats going on. everything you written here, tell him.
I kind of agree with that quote but I would add "...or he's gay" to the end of it, because I know women that have been with closet gay guys who they think are just "really respectful" Or if he's over 40 because those older generations are different than us and some of them actually waited till marriage.
Honey, he's a bartender. I'm a bartender. We basically get paid to flirt with people who are drinking which tends to make them want to have sex with us. I'm not saying he's cheating on you, I'm saying you have adequate reason to worry.
Plus, if he's not respecting the fact that you've told him that it bothers you that he doesn't come home the majority of the time then that's reason enough to have a serious talk with him.