Monday, 30 November 2009
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I'm Dating a Debbie Downer!
I love my boyfriend with all that I have. He's such a gentleman and I could honestly say he's the type of guy every girl out there is looking for. He's honest and thoughtful and SO charismatic. My family loves him and my group of friends love him. Really, he's just all around perfect...except for his short temper.The smallest, most ridiculous things will set him off and put him in a bad mood. He has this way of making everything that's happening to him seem so much worse. Whenever I see something good in a situation, he sees the complete opposite. It gets really tiring after awhile and the only way I can describe how his attitude really is, is by saying he's got more mood swings than a pregnant woman. It's gotten to the point where I'm so used to his constant mini fits of rage that I just wait .5 seconds for him to be in a good mood again.
We moved in together in the end of September this year and I was determined to make the days go by a little smoother by doing a number of things such as purchasing a dry erase board and having him write one positive comment a day or whenever he came out with something completely unnecessarily negative, I'd have him say something positive. It's just little things like that I would do to help him but they only last so long until he starts to think of them annoying. He thinks he might have some anger management issues but with his busy work schedule and school schedule, it's hard to have him see any sort of specialist at the moment. I've done pretty well as far as dealing with it because it's not like he's emotionally or physically abusive. He just makes it a bit harder to deal with him sometimes when he constantly just sees negative in EVERYTHING. HELP!
What would you do in a situation like this?
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About the Author
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- From: how_x_loverly@xanga
- Name: Kristen
- About Me: I'm consistently inconsistent. I'm misunderstood...a lot. I'm pretty all over the place. My head is in the clouds constantly. I'm not naive, just curious of everything.
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Comments (25)
Honestly? I dated a guy with an anger problem. He literally once got angry because my brother beat him in chess. He stormed upstairs while my friends and family looked on.
He's now an ex, not just because of this (he also had some abusive tendencies, too), but this played a big part. It was exhausting to deal with, especially since I'm a very positive, silver-lining type of person. No matter how bad it gets, I can usually find something good about it.
Living together is a big step. The only guy I could ever stand to live with was my husband. I'd get tired of any of my other exes after only a few days of them visiting. So it's gonna be up to you--can you live with his anger (which will probably never go away) and his moods? If so, great, keep doing what you're doing. If not...well, then you know what to do. And, seriously, if it gets to a point where you can't handle it anymore, you'll know.
Good luck with whatever happens and whatever you decide.
-Katie
My fiance was the same way when we first started dating and moved in together... He has gotten exceptionally better with time. I think the best thing that you can do is just to not give up on him, and keep talking to him. Trust me, I know how tiring it is, but it will bring you both a lot closer in the end.
Good luck!
Being negative during a .5 fit rage is not the same as being pessimistic. It is a given that he is going to be negative if he's angry. Anger is a negative emotion. Try dealing with people who are cynical and pessimistic by nature!
I have to admit, I'm the same way. It's not difficult for me to see it, but it's indescribably difficult to control it. I got it from my dad and it's the biggest reason my parents are divorced.
My ex and I were together for two years. I blamed all our problems on her, but I know I made some big mistakes and most of it had to do with my short temper. I felt like I was looking for things to be mad at her for.
I'm still trying hard to fix it, but there's not really much you can do but be patient with him. Just know he isn't doing it on purpose and try to understand the things he's mad about. He might be blowing them out of proportion, but show him some sympathy instead of telling him he's got nothing to be mad about.
Let me know if you come up with a solution, I could use one.
PS. I have found one fix. Nicotine. A cigarette ALWAYS calms me down.
I'd not date a guy with such issues. You're not his mommy and you shouldn't be there to try and correct his behaviour.
Maybe his short temper is due to stress from work, etc?
(it puts a smile on everyone's face!)
I find that exercise always calms me down.
Also - sex.
haha I found this entry oddly cute...it's like he's a little boy with temper tantrums, yet he's still a good guy. I think I can relate to your bf, although i cant claim the good guy part on behalf of myself. I get angry out of nowhere sometimes...mainly in Los Angeles traffic, but that was a really good idea for you to have him write down something positive everytime he becomes negative. It's a very positive and harmless way for him to start learning to control his temper. I listen to Michael Buble or Norah Jones when I get angry...it helps. Props to you!
I would be incredibly annoyed by having to write positive things on a dry erase board whenever I get angry. It seems kind of puerile and would make me feel like a child.
Personally, I would hit the blunt once or twice. That seems to smooth out the edges of any situation pretty well. Obviously that doesn't solve a long term problem....but it's doubtful anything would solve it outside of professional help, or him making some introspective realization that causes him to view things differently than he used to.
@crazygrampastuey@xanga -
Both good ideas. Sex and exercise are god sends when it comes to relieving stress.
ooh, yikes. seems like you've chosen a highly volatile person! ever heard of Brainstyles? http://www.brainstyles.com/ I bet you could pick up a copy at the library. Everyone's brain functions differently, and it sounds like your bf may be a conciliator- someone whose emotions run very close to the surface. you describe him as extremely charismatic- does he have really high ups and low downs? i'm a conciliator myself, and i can attest to the fact that my emotions are VERY difficult to control!
maybe you can make him more positive, but if he's not abusive and doesn't make you feel bad about yourself, and if you still have a great time together most of the time, and if all it takes is .5 seconds for him to be back in a good mood...maybe you just need to take the good with the bad. someone who gets really happy will probably also get really sad/angry at times. but seriously, check out the brainstyles stuff- it's really interesting.
Your bf may have a psychological condition. This has nothing to do with you. Encourage him to see a therapist. They would be able to help your bf better than you can. I act similarly to your bf, as I'm sensitive and get upset easily. However, I have problems with depression and anxiety from time to time. It's hard to find a person who's understanding of people with psychological problems, as we require A LOT of patience and understanding. So I give you props for trying to make your relationship work with your bf.
one of my ex bfs had a SUPER short temper, some guy walking past by and i bump into each other, he got super jealous and got super angry, started to punch walls and shit. i know he would have never hit me, maybe something in replacement, but it used to scare me because he's the type that would get into random fights for no reason, except that someone looked in his direction or he misunderstood a passing comment, and it scared me.
but someone who'd get into a bad mood that would last for more than a few minutes and in turn bring YOUR mood down until you're at a level of stressing depression, perhaps you should suggest couple therapy so that he won't outright decline the opportunity.
I never thought I had mini mood swings and was negative, but after a couple years with my fiance (who is more laidback and optimistic than I ever thought I could be on my best days), I have learned to deal with things better. It took him time to adjust to my temperament, which has changed but is still recognizable, but there were some things that he did that definitely helped/didn't help me.
1. Support is nice, but perkiness is annoying.
2. Yeah, it's probably something stupid, but please don't dismiss it like it IS stupid.
3. After the moment of anger has passed, try to laugh about it, but be careful to only laugh together, and not at his behavior.
Yes, it sounds really annoying, but giving him room to be himself and making him feel better at the same time will eventually yield great results. I become more laidback every day, and things don't bother me nearly as often or as much as they did a few years ago.
Above all, if you love and care about him, and you want to be with him, BE PATIENT. However, if he becomes abusive in any way, that's a whole different situation.
Good luck, and hope this helps!!!
get him a punching bag, problem solved.
@Sammyhellsyea@xanga - dude, you're going to end up becoming an addict like that. trust me. i would know. just get something to hit. yelling is great too. but hitting is better.
i don't know if i could stand that...but he seems to be a great guy otherwise, so who knows?
i'm on meds that make me have some serious mood swings. i hate it because i can't control it while i'm blasting towards anger or depression, but i'm learning to calm myself down a hell of a lot faster. at first i didn't realize how bitchy i sounded to other people, so my boyfriend came up with a code word so i'd know and calm down. in theory it sounds okay, but in practice it failed miserably. i'm naturally sarcastic and tend to be pessimistic, which can come off as me being a bitch. having my boyfriend say the code word just pissed me off more...much like you having your boyfriend write positive things when he's in a funk. although i like your idea better haha but in the moment when you're THAT angry, it's hard to see anything positive.
i also would really encourage him to see someone in the psych field. he doesn't have to go every day or anything, just have him go once a month or something. most appointments are only an hour, i'm sure he can squeeze around some things in his schedule to allow for one hour once a month or so...
i've been seeing a counselor for a year and a half, even though i was so opposed to it when i was younger. she's been really helpful at giving me creative ideas for how to deal with a lot of my problems. when i went to one for anger management, i only went for a couple months, but the practice of talking things out with someone worked very well and i've stuck to it ever since. it's getting me to shut up that's the problem ahah.
good luck!
If he has anger over the smallest things, and you didn't say anything about that, either you can help him or you can get to the point and whip his ass back into shape. Show that boy that you aren't the type to be yelled at over something stupid. Any man that would get angry over chess is sure as heck not the marrying type. What if he becomes abusive, by the time you guys decide to setlle down and go half on a baby?
Think about that. He might be perfect in everything else, but if he can't handle his anger, then it isn't worth it. Don't be surprised, if he brings up his anger when he tries to get you back either.
omg i totally know what you mean! my bf is the same way! He's such a good person, he cares for me and takes care of me. he's super honest and treats me so well.. but he gets upset at the smallest things.. or gets annoyed really quickly!
my suggestion is make him go out for a run or go exercise. that always helps my bf. whenever he is upset he goes and works all his frustrations out.. so he comes back again happy. :)
Yeah, some people have anger management issues. Maybe he can take a class. Managing one's anger is possible and it definitely makes you feel better about yourself. Losing control is not cool.
i could never put up with that. i mean i'm a very impatient person, but i won't throw tantrums. i can't stand guys who do that.
Ever heard of the lobotomy?
If he goes to college, I'm sure there's a counselor there or something that will be more than happy to talk to him when he's got a little bit of free time between classes. I don't know how spaced out his classes are, though.
If he's having mood swings that fast, I'd say there is something going on there. :/ Maybe some kind of bi-polar disorder. But, I'm not a doctor so definitely don't quote me. :p
I don't blame him for finding those methods of trying to help him out to be annoying. It actually sounds like something a mother might do for her son, not something a girlfriend would do for her husband. :/
But, either way, good luck!
It's hard to deal with someone who has such mood swings. It's hard to not take it personally because you start to wonder why this person just can't be happy and overlook those small petty things that cause them to blow up.
sounds like he's got a lot of stress or possibly some other issues going on. get him to the doctor.
my very lovely lovely boyfriend/soulmate is the same way and i am very very impatient and i have tendencies to think, i deserve better. but love conquers all, ill find out how much i love him when the day that i realize i will never ever give up on this guy. no matter what.