Monday, 30 November 2009
-
Not Girlfriend Enough
I've been dating my boyfriend for five months, I'm happy with him. Last night during his birthday jam, there were a lot of things going on with him, and he told me he just wanted to have a good night and enjoy it. He also told me that something was bugging him, which was the fact that I'm not girlfriend enough when I'm with him in front of other people.
To him, it feels like we're just friends in front of other people, he's referring to the way I act. He wants me to be more "there" as a girlfriend. Like hold his hand or at least sit beside him when we're at a party. Or not walk off all the way every time we get out of the car to go somewhere. I do get close to him when we're alone. My point was that it's not always necessary to show that two people are a couple to other people as long as you know how much I love you. At the same time he has a point, maybe that's my problem.
I've been like this ever since I can remember, I guess I need to change that, but what bugs me is that, I do like this guy a lot, showing it, isn't what I'm good at. I do understand it feels good when you know someone is there for you. And I guess he feels I haven't been doing that, or maybe I haven't. I don't want anything as an excuse for myself to not care about him enough. I want him to know I'm there, but I don't know why I can't do that lovey dovey stuff, and let's be honest, as cheesy as it may be, once in a while you still got to be lovey dovey.
There's something wrong with me, I don't know if it's because I'm uncomfortable of something or whatever but, I would like to change it. And show affection to my boyfriend.
I want to ask the girls if they've ever felt that way, and how did you end up fixing it. And for dudes, I want to know what you feel like it's right and wrong
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: when90swastheshi@xanga
- Name: anonymous
- About Me: "No such thing as assurance"
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 3 Views: 0 5919 Comments: 0 108 View all posts by when90swastheshi@xanga
Comments (56)
Holding hands, sitting next to each other, even doing something little that only he notices (put your hand on his knee under the table, a quick kiss on the cheek at the store) shows that you are loving him in that exact moment. Those things are generally appropriate in public, and shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable either.
i can relate.
i HATE PDA. i can't stand couples that make out or touch each other when in public or in a group setting so i would never do it. My then boyfriend (now husband) complained that he felt like I treated him like just a friend.
So we compromised, I explained to him that I did not think it was necessary to be on top of each other 24/7 in public but that I could do little things like holding hands, and the other things the poster above mentioned so that he could know that he was special and different to me.
so try baby steps, and hopefully your SO will appreciate them! just please please dont become one of those gross couples. its not cute.
That was hard for us at first, too, though mostly because we spent most of our time either at church or with our families. We've both gotten better at it, though; those little things @weezerfan16@xanga mentioned are a good start. You sort of have to think about it and make a conscious effort to be more "girlfriendly", but it does help.
i know how you feel. i often have a problem expressing lovey feelings too..in words.
but i typically can in little actions, in public.
holding hands, sitting close to him. those are little things you can do that doesn't make anyone else uncomfortable. however, i was never the type to feel fully comfortable sitting on his lap or making out in public lol
just start trying with little steps :)
I can definitely agree with you when you say that it's not always necessary to show someone how much you love them because they should already know that, however, me being a girl, I would love it if my SO, without being constantly being nagged or reminded, to make the initiative to hold my hand when we're in public or to give me a quick kiss and tell he how much he cares for me when we're out spending time together. I mean you definitely don't have to be all over him but it's nice when someone tells you they love or care about you but it's even BETTER when they show it. So, it's not your fault that you can't be the affectionate type he wants you to be but it won't hurt to make the effort either. There's no doubt you won't do it but he also has to understand that's the type of person you are and he should respect and love you for who you are. Good Luck!
my SO was like that - i had to give him a LOT of time. i just started by telling him little things that make me feel happy, and he'll start doing it a little bit at a time. my SO was hardcore against PDA when we first started dating (not that im excessive) but he wouldn't even hold my hand. it made me feel like "just another friend". i just let him know that it hurt me, and once in awhile he would pick up my hand. now its just a habit for him to hold my hand. it does take time.
I started feeling like that with my ex. I tried to change and I was. I'd be holding his hand more, hugging him more, even trying to kiss him but he was embarassed bout kissing me in front of people. Even though I was changing it for him it was still never enough for him. The more he demanded the more pressure I felt and it just got harder and harder so we broke up.
Holding hands or a surprise peck on the cheek. :)
Well, my case is somewhat similar to yours, I'd show some intimacy if it was just the two of us, but I'm too shy to show intimacy in public. Besides, for me it is also a matter of being considerate to other people in the surrounding area. I would not want them to feel awkward, annoyed, or something of that sort. Maybe staying with your-so more often will make him feel better. If it was me, I'd also feel lonely if my-so strayed far away from me, especially in a crowded area. Give him hints that you want to be together. Holding hands is a sure fireway to get that started. It's simple, but it's sweet. It might be difficult at first, but as long as you like each other then it should be fine. It will also make him feel more secure I suppose.
I am personally against holding hands in front of friends because I don't want to make them feel awkward or uncomfortable. I explained it to my boyfriend and he is understanding and knows how it feel to be in that position.
On the other hand, I am happy when my boyfriend holds my hand in public. It makes me feel that we're a couple.
If you're not comfortable enough to show that tiny bit of affection to someone in public, then maybe you're not ready for a relationship.
That's like, exactly what I DON'T want in a boyfriend.
i don't see how this makes people uncomfortable i do about everything in public ofcourse there is a line my gf and I don't have sex or something that extream but we do kiss hold hands she sits in my lap ect.. i don't see what the big deal is.
I think he's right. If you can't hold hands, stand near him, or sit beside him in public (especially on his birthday) then you're not acting as though you're in a relationship which is unsettling.
I' am in the same boat, when it comes to the whole idea of "always there". But im also very lucky in the sense that my bf understands and is also just like me, not holding hands, sitting together etc etc. I would take a wild guess and say maybe its a trust or self-esteem issue ur bf MIGHT have. Then again i have gotten a few of those "are you two even together?", but hey everyones relationship is different, i think you should let him know if this is an image thing, that it shouldnt matter what the public or friends OR even family opinions, its the trust and bond that u two know and have that should matter most :]
I have been trying to say the same thing to my boyfriend. I know that he loves me and showing it is nice. I think that he might be scared that I will leave him or something if he gets used to grabbign my hand in public and then one day just stop. Maybe that's how you feel?
I've had a problem like this too. Don't walk away from him, at least.
it took a while for me to get used to that, too. i didn't start dating until i got into college...and i was very timid when it came to human contact >.< i'd mostly just end up waiting for the boy to initiate contact because i was too afraid. i feel like it shouldn't be that much of a problem, though..unless you're making an effort to make it seem like you and your boy are just friends out in public ;) occasionally snuggling up close isn't so bad of an idea. if people are going to judge, it's been five months already, they've already done so =)
<3
When I started dating my boyfriend, I was uncomfortable with holding his hand, him holding my books/bags and all that. But his persistance made me get accustomed to it. haha
I've been with my boyfriend for five months too and he's my first boyfriend. I'm a college freshman so I'm not some teenybopper. :) We haven't had sex yet because I'm not comfortable enough/quite ready for that yet. But last week, we were on vacation together and he was telling me all the things he likes about me. One of them was the fact that I will be affectionate in public, because his past girlfriends were like that. I don't like kissing in public, especially in front of people I know. But the little things are what makes him happy. The hand holding, or putting an arm around his waist/back, or giving him little pecks on the cheek. Or giving him little backrubs, or just affectionately rubbing his back. I find it awkward being affectionate when you know the people around you, but if you don't then I personally don't find it embarrassing. I would say try some of those tips, because your boyfriend would really appreciate it! Take small steps.
He should just get the fuck over it. It's not like he can't go find YOU and hold YOUR hand, or go sit by YOU. If he wants you to do all the work and be constantly at his side, then it sounds more like he just wants any old girl to show off like arm candy.
Talk to him about it and tell him that you're not the only one who could be putting in more effort. If he wants it so bad he should stop whining and just go get it.
Talk to each other about how you could both do things to make this work better, and THEN you have a relationship.
@weezerfan16@xanga - those are definitely a good start!
Well, you don't necessarily have to be lovey-dovey and touching all the time to act a little more like a girlfriend.
What's so wrong with sitting by him? With walking by him when you're going somewhere together?
This is usually the lament of the girl, not the other way around. Sounds to me like he's a bit insecure in the relationship -- maybe he thinks that you are flirting with other guys or pretending that you don't care that much about him to suss out other potential mates in the vicinity? Either way, do small things that show you care without going into over-the-top PDAs. Smile at him from across the room, engage him in a conversation with others, maybe even give him an impromptu hug or something from time to time (like if he just said something extremely clever or funny). :)
@ELIZerson@xanga - yeah I kinda find that hard to believe too...
I dont think he wants all that much...he wants a GIRLfriend. If he wanted someone to walk away from him, not hold his hand, etc. he might as well be with his boys. Now I think PDA is necessary at certain times, and at other times isnt necessary. Holding hands is probably the max I like to go in public surrounded by friends. In private....well, we dont need to go there haha. But yeah, he wants a girl(friend) not a guy(friend). does that make sense?