Sunday, 29 November 2009

  • Sex Before Marriage: A Guy's Perspective


    I think the most tragic thing about premarital sex is the "common knowledge" that defines it in so many conversations: that one should wait until marriage because losing your virginity to someone else before then will make your marriage less meaningful or rich; or the pressure among guys to lose their virginity to meet some ambiguous standard of masculinity; or the social stigma among women that many men will view a woman as less desirable if they've lost it.

    Although I'm a Christian, and I'm waiting until marriage, it's for none of the reasons above. What kind of "gracious and redeeming faith" preaches that marriage is sullied the moment you have sex before making a lifetime commitment? Where is the infinite capacity for redemption and healing? It's as if the message we're sending is that a Christian marriage forged between virgins will be far more successful than one between two people with multiple previous partners, and that's certainly not true.

    And even beyond the culture of faith are these strange bullets of wisdom that pervade conversations on sex in our generation [as noted above].

    Here's a clue from one guy: not all of us are the same. There is no easy answer to what a guy (or a girl) will think in your first "sex conversation" despite whatever insight you may get from the media, your best friends, or popular culture, in general.

    So, bottom line: do what you feel is right. Some people ignore their instincts, and that's where they go wrong, but I guarantee one doesn't lose by waiting because it's the one thing you can always take back as opposed to the other route.

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Comments (58)

  • RaquelHiggins005@xanga

    ^_^  I completely agree. I'm waiting for marriage also but not because it's just generally wrong but out of appreciation for my faith. And even if by some circumstance I do lose it, I won't feel that I no longer allude purity or that God doesn't love me or that I'm definitely going to hell. Not at all.
  • allyouwanted15@xanga

    Thank you! That is an excellent way of putting it, and I agree. :)

    I definitely agree with @RaquelHiggins005@xanga as well.
  • music_of_the_heart08@xanga

    Why can't there be more guys like you?


    Whoah is all I can say. In a good way.

  • gatorgirl54@xanga

    Yes yes yes. THANK YOU! 

    People just need to accept that there are lifestyles different from their own, and that it's acceptable that others have different ways of living their lives. There's no need to look down or judge anyone as long as no one's getting hurt.
  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga

    i read a rebuttal argument to this, and people were all like, "there would be so many less broken hearts if people waited until marriage to have sex."


    i have had my heart broken quite badly in abstinence folks, i know the difference between feelings of pure lust and the feelings that will be hurt by betrayal.
  • onesw33tgurl@xanga

    Thanks for posting this - you've place this debate in a whole new perspective for everyone. It's not always easy to defend your choices, your lifestyle - what you're doing wrong/right - it's all relative anyway. Someone's always going to have something to say...

    Many people will appreciate you for your choice and your outlook on relationships and life, for that matter.
  • dragon_king@xanga

    "It's as if the message we're sending is that a Christian marriage
    forged between virgins will be far more successful than one between two
    people with multiple previous partners, and that's certainly not true."

    This is REAL TALK right here man-I've heard of Christians who get married just so they can have sex and then it doesn't end up being what they had hoped for.

  • LaChienne88@xanga

    I agree with you.
    Everyone wants different things. I think when it comes to dating both men and women tend to generalize the entire opposite sex. A lot guys would want a virgin, sure, but they know it's a rarity these days. Or maybe it shouldn't even matter if someone is a virgin or not. Personally, it does not matter to me if a guy is a virgin or if he is more experienced. There are pros and cons to each. If he is a virgin, which would be rare to find at my age of 21, then I'd respect him and it  might make me feel better about myself since I'm not experienced. If he isn't, then oh, well.

    In my opinion, do what you want, whether you want to abstain or have a threesome.

  • Angelsdelight@xanga
    set apart from the pack...

    I got saved at 18. I was lucky that I had not had physical sex with anyone because you are supposed to not have sex outside of marriage. Once you start having sex,it is hard to stop but it can be done. I have a friend who had two kids and stop having sex and has not had it for over 22 years because she didn't want to sin against her temple. I seriously have been a virgin all my life and I kept my virginity for different reasons at different times. Each time I think I have met "The One" it turns out that either he wants no one or he doesn't really want me except to have sex. As a child of God,I deserve to have a good life with a good husband. Thankfully,I never excepted that I had to compromise and just make it work. I was told that by some very well meaning christians. My God didn't say for me to settle for less.

  • AphoticxIllusion@xanga

    But of course, religion is something that has merely been fabricated by man. Regardless, do whatever suits you.
  • Starring_Hobo89@xanga

    A more eloquent way of saying everyone's different :)
  • humtvusa@xanga




    make a wish

  • katberg@xanga

    A well-written statement of fact that has been too long delayed. Props to you for telling it how it is! :]
  • mcmeister89@mancouch

    Good article, though I think it's misnamed. The article has nothing to do with the male's perspective, but more so that of a Christian virgin (male or female) who is choosing to wait.

    I personally did not save my virginity for the same reasons you mentioned such in that I don't believe that it makes me more pure or a better person. Frankly, I don't know why people make a big deal whether you have sex or not. As long as you're safe and no one is hurt, I see it as the most extreme form of physical affection you can show.
  • snapeful@xanga

    it's like in one tree hill when hayley and nathan got married. -.- the girl was liek NOOO IM NOHAVING SEX UNTIL AFTER MARRIAGE and he's like THEN LET'S GET MARRIED EVEN THOUGH WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL LOLOLOL.... /facepalm!

    but yeah. condoms & plan b... and hygiene. muy importante.

  • xjadersx@xanga

    Good post!
  • feelslikejuly@xanga

    I like your take on the subject. :)
  • maulindy@xanga

    Great blog, though I wish it was longer! 


    I myself wait because it's literally the one last part of me (physically speaking) that hasn't been given to anyone yet.  I'm very shy about my body, so to give it away in such totality to a man would be such a major step in my life, that I just can't fathom doing it with just anyone.  I've given away parts of myself to men in the past, though it wasn't virginity, I still feel violated because those men weren't there to stay.  I only wished my judgment was better about who I let into my heart and who I let close to my body.  I have to know that my choice of man to give this part of me to will be the man who will commit to me in marriage, a man who will stay with me and not toss me or my desires to share myself with him away as if they mean nothing to him.  It's the one thing I can't take back when it's gone and it's the one thing I have left to help me feel that much more bonded to a man. My virginity won't make my marriage any more perfect than anyone else's.  My virginity doesn't even make ME more perfect.  But dammit, it will make the wait all the more worthwhile when it's shared with someone who feels the same about me as I do him.  And THAT will be perfect.
  • Svehwa@xanga

    I understand that people have different moral standards, so I don't expect many to agree with what I'm about to say (as someone who does believe that a truth does exist and is not relative) but from one fellow christian to another :)....


    1) I would disagree with the "follow your instincts" - our instincts are messed up and distorted, that's why it says in Jeremiah "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond all cure, who can understand it?" and is followed by "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." I would say "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ" is a great policy ;).


    2) God's way is always best (and that does include saving sex for marriage)- why? Because He is out for our good and every command that He gives us is there to protect us and give us the real deal when it comes to life; "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full" - Jesus. 


    3)The whole concept of "it's not hurting anyone, so it's okay" is fine for humanists. They don't believe in a God who loves and cares about people. But we are not just concerned about people, we are also concerned about God too because not listening to Him hurts Him. Jesus was the one who said "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me..."


    4) But I agree with you on the point that a successful marriage is not guaranteed just b/c two people were virgins before getting married - but if those two people were virgins out of a determined committment/love first and foremost to God, especially in light of today's societal influences, dude, I give them props and would feel extremely confident that they could have a successful marriage b/c they know the meaning of sacrificing temporary desires out of love for God - that points to an attitude that is likewise critical in marriage when people have to sometimes sacrifice personal desires out of love for his/her spouse.


    Also I speak from the perspective of someone who has made that mistake and has experienced the infinite redemption, forgiveness, and grace of God and has AS A RESULT been changed "His grace to me was not without effect...". And I have to say, God's way is looking pretty legit to me :)
  • brilliant_words@xanga

    @Svehwa@xanga - 


    AMENNNNNN! haha. I couldn't agree more with every point.
  • mstigerfrogs@xanga

    It is very hard to go back to not having sex... once you start, but guess what? I'm not having sex at all now.  Church brought me back to God.  God is still working on me to be what I outta be.
  • mstigerfrogs@xanga

    @Svehwa@xanga - You're correct! Everything you have said, I agree with! :)
  • JusticeCho@xanga

    Nicely put.  I didn't wait, I don't feel one way or the other about it really.  I do wish more religious people had your take on it though, I usually get sermons about the fact that I'm going to hell rather than just that it's a personal preference.
  • cmclymer@xanga

    @mcmeister89@mancouch - I agree with you. I gave it that title in reference to an article with a title of "Sex Before Marriage: The Female's Perspective" that was posted a few days ago. But I know I don't speak for all guys, which is why I titled it "A Guy's Perspective" rather than "The Guy's Perspective"...
  • cmclymer@xanga

    @Svehwa@xanga - I love your insight. I think it contributes a lot to the conversation. I would say, however, that we should preach grace and understanding before the more intricate values of our faith. But that's just my opinion.

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