Sunday, 29 November 2009
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How Can You Tell If Someone's Asexual?
Let me ask something.
Around the world, there are plenty of stereotypes of people from straight people to gay people. Sometimes, they feed into it and give them identity of what they might be. So, my question is: how come there is no way that you can tell if a person is asexual?
You can't ever tell a person by looking at them. You can't go asking people if they are sexual or interested in sex. Even those who are sexual know you can't put that on the resume, when you are dating. And that makes it pretty awkward when some girl or boy who wants sex, has to fight to keep a person who wants it bad enough to leave and get their fix.
So, my question is this: why is it so hard these days to ever notice an asexual person?
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- From: mynameisblueskye@xanga
- Name: Chris
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Comments (55)
i know some people who are asexual. to me i just observe and notice how they act around both genders and if there is a reason they don't seem as focused on sex/relationships such as focusing on career, school, etc. then i try to picture them watching porn and if i can't do that then i think they are asexual.
For some reason, every "asexual" person I've ever met has just used it as an excuse to slut it up with both genders without commitments. It's so silly.
I would like to meet someone who really is asexual though, I'd love to pick their brain. :P
It's hard to notice because of everyone's assumptions and the lack of awareness. I think it's similar to how (until recently) people thought that only a teensy percent of the population was gay and people didn't really know what the term meant. They would therefore just automatically assume their friends were all straight until (and if) it was revealed that they were gay.
So with this subject, people assume everyone is sexual until they eventually deny it and state otherwise. And like 'coming out' as gay, I imagine it's quite difficult to do. Anything surrounding the topic of sexual orientation seems to be a touchy (no pun intended) topic for people, actually. It's kind of a "for us or against us" idea, I think.
Unfortunately we don't live in a world where more people are more comfortable in expressing themselves more completely. Instead, people hide their true selves and hope for the best.
@aquarius_lovedove@xanga -
ROFL"then i try to picture them watching porn and if i can't do that then i think they are asexual."
@MochaSprinkle@xanga - I completely agree with you on that one.
@MochaSprinkle@xanga - really nicely said!
Hmmm, I would guess there aren't many asexuals out there to begin with. I joke that I'm asexual, but in reality I know that I'm a very passionate heterosexual just very focused on school and my career.
Even though someone may appear asexual, they may be more sexual than you think. Asexuals are probably like everyone else, except they may not flirt as much, or may not even worry about intimate relationships. They may maintain very close friendships, but they probably don't sigh over crushes or get all sweaty around attractive people.
@Gorrific@xanga - are you mixing it up with "bisexual"? Asexual means they have no interest in sex, regardless of gender; so I can't see how it could be used as an excuse to have sex.
HI! I'M ASEXUAL...and people can't tell I am. -_- It sucks, but it would seem kind of silly to introduce myself as one: "Hello! Nice to meet you. By the way, I'm asexual. I like your shoes."
Personally, I don't date anyone because I'm aromantic so, people should take my not being interested in anyone as a sign (they don't). This doesn't mean that everyone is like me, however. Other asexuals might be heteroromantic, biromatic, homoromantic, or panromantic so they could indeed be in a relationship, just not having sex with the person. But, just like a commenter above said, society automatically assumes relationship=sex and vice versa which is unfortunate. Society is also heteronormative so even though I am aromantic, people might code me as heterosexual just because they see it as a default (it's not).
I feel that sexuality and sexual orientations are a purely personal thing; however, I believe society is a huge obstacle. In placing importance on what we should be, people expect cues and signs to know whether we deviate from the "norm" or not. Frankly, I just wish we didn't care so much about it. Instead of wondering whether someone is this or that, why not just wait until the person feels comfortable enough to tell you so themselves. It's a part of who they are after all.
@MochaSprinkle@xanga - This is a beautiful comment. :)
What I'm trying to say (without causing offense) is that it makes sense to put everyone into a default group of heterosexuality. If someone doesn't belong there, it's their choice to inform the people around them. Sometimes you can tell, but if you can't, it shouldn't be offensive to assume that someone is "normal".
I watched a show about couples who were asexual. Supposedly, only 1% of the population is TRULY asexual. Not just asexual for a short period of time until they finish school or whatever else they are focusing on, but they are asexual for life. Then, on the show, they showed a couple who claimed to be asexual, and just a month after the airing of the show they began to become sexually intimate with each other. So, it just makes us all question asexuality in the first place. If you only consider yourself asexual until you meet someone who makes you want to become sexual, were you ever a true asexual person to begin with? Does asexuality only pertain to those who want to remain asexual forever? If only 1% of the population is considered TRULY asexual by the chemicals in their brain, then are all the rest of the people lying?
What are the true standards to being an asexual?
@Sounds0fLaughter@xanga - My question is; is it really offensive for
someone to assume that the people they are meeting are straight and
sexual, since it is still taken as what is normal?
Yes. This line of thinking is what had me believing that I was abnormal and maybe even broken. It also assumes that heterosexuality is normal due to it being inborn/biological and all other orientations are not normal when, in fact, evidence on (male) homosexuality (it's the only one that's been researched more extensively than the others so I will use it as an example) suggests that it too has a biological basis.
I don't see heterosexuality as being "normal". I see it as being just another sexual orientation. I'll use an analogy here. Say sexual orientations are like ice cream and it just so happens that vanilla is the most popular flavor. Does this mean vanilla is the "default" for all other ice cream flavors? Of course not. I'm not going to assume chocolate is vanilla or strawberry is vanilla because vanilla is the most popular. Chocolate is chocolate, and strawberry is strawberry. They are their own flavors just like heterosexuality is just one sexual orientation out of many. It's not a default or a basis or a norm.
Another example could be prenatal development. All infants start out as feminine, but does that mean I should refer to every male-identified individual as a female and use as my line of reasoning that all individuals are female by "default"? Well, I don't think people would take too kindly to me assigning them who they should be when they already know who they are. Heterosexuality being deemed the "norm" is not very inclusive. I feel it'd be better if we just allowed people to be who they are instead of telling them who they ought to be. It's why I feel more emphasis needs to be placed on all sexual orientations so as to create more awareness. Maybe awareness can allow more inclusion and more respect for one another. I'd like that. (Oh, shit. Long comment is long.)
@salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga -
I would say that heterosexuality is normal based on biological functions. Not that genetics don't influence orientation at all (though, that's a controversial area and I don't really want to get to into it), but the purposes of reproduction necessitate a specific kind sexual interaction, which would be heterosexual.
So, biologically speaking, Heterosexuality is the norm because it is what's necessary from an evolutionary standpoint. To say that sexual orientation is simply limited to preference, as in your ice cream example, seems...well, wrong, in my opinion, because sex serves a greater purpose than enjoyment, or even emotional fulfillment.
That said, I don't have a problem with people who are homosexual, bisexual (though I question how many people who say they are truly are), or asexual ( which is something I personally don't get, but to each their own), I'm just arguing that to an extent, heterosexuality is necessary, unlike any other orientation, so thus it really is the norm. As a species, we couldn't get along without it.
I feel like the underlying, unspoken question in this blog is "How come there ARE ways that you can tell if a person is heterosexual, bisexual, etc.?" The answer being, of course, that you can't. Nobody can simply look at a person and know his/her sexuality, unless they're buying into the "plenty of stereotypes" that exist. Maybe we should just realize that assumptions are a bad idea and usually wrong.
Honestly, I don't think you can tell. It would be difficult because in our society we don't really have any stereotypes about them. They could be anyone. And a lot of them could appear like a regular straight person at first glance. Or at least that is my take on things.
I guess you'd have to know if you started talking to them.
They could be...
1. Loners.
2. Afraid of commitment and intimacy
3. Just not that interested in dating and sex.
4. A lot of them tend to be very independent.
Those are just some things I noticed when I saw asexual people online. I never met one in real life.
But of course a straight person or gay person could have any of those traits too.
@toodark__SHOCKstar@xanga - Well said.
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - For purposes of procreation, heterosexuality is important, but this doesn't mean it should be seen as the norm. You would think that after awhile, evolution would have selectively removed the necessity for other orientations in order to ensure the survival of our species. More heterosexuals equals more babies, right? Orientations other than heterosexuality are not advantageous for this, right? Of course, that hasn't happened. Focusing on the procreation aspect of heterosexuality as a reasoning for why we should establish it as the norm ignores the big picture. Obviously, something about other orientations make them just as important as heterosexuality otherwise they wouldn't have survived. This is why I can't see heterosexuality as the norm because it isn't the only sexual orientation around.
I know of a few. But it's hard to tell.
@LoveYouToDeath16@xanga - I can think of two. A) A person who has taken a vow of chastity, a nun, priest, monk, ect ect. B) Someone who has experienced extreme emotional trauma, and protects themselves by not allowing any form of physical intimacy. And the trauma doesn't even have to be sexual, emotional trauma can cause a number of bizarre phobias.
@salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga - @An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - The reason both of you are standing on two legs now is sex. Look at the world. How many other creatures do you see that are bipedal? Being bipedal is extremely unusual. And here's where it gets tricky. Scientists once thought our ancestors evolved to be bipedal with the assumption it would help them avoid becoming prey. Aka, look outs. They were wrong. We evolved in a dense wooded area. That's where they hit a dead end. Why would something become bipedal in an area that was already harder to weave through? Being bipedal would make us slower.. The answer is simple. Sex. Look at your canine teeth. They are small. That means, in that period in time, females were choosing males with smaller canines. A clue, but a very vague one. Male primates fight over females by bitting, and displaying their large canines. Interesting.. then a realization dawned on these scientists. Our species is known for providing for the females, correct? That would mean.. that the females were in groups foraging for food, while the males would walk great distances, climb trees, and come back to the female they have currently selected, present her with the special treats, and in exchange, she would give him sex. That is why a male can brag and state he fucked 8 chicks last night, while a female would be ridiculed for stating that. The fact that we continued to survive and evolve is because our species had a massive sexual advantage. Almost everywhere on earth you will find man. And sex is the reason why. There's plenty of humans now. As to why homosexuals and asexuals are misunderstood is the simple fact that our animal instincts still remain. We aren't as evolved as we think we are. Regardless, sex is sex. Either way, it still offers a rush. Some do it out of love, some do it for fun, some don't do it at all. I'm not trying to be an ass that thinks he knows it all. My point is we don't know it all. The only thing we can understand is some human anatomy, and human behaviors. We will never understand the mind and body completely.
@salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga -
I don't see why their continued existence hints at any bigger picture, to be honest. Genetics isn't picture perfect, so to speak. It fucks up a lot of the time, actually. To compound that issue, our understanding of genetics or the genetic factors involved with sexual orientation are far from comprehensive. Genetic's role in heterosexuality is obvious because of the way the reproductive system works.
I would argue that sexual orientations could be somewhat of a learned behavior, but even if it is genetically linked, I would also argue that it's entirely possible that any kind of 'gay' gene could be an unintentional mutation or series of mutations. They could easily survive in our gene pool despite being disadvantageous because of the way our society is structured. We tend to ignore the rules of natural selection quite a bit.
@salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga - I agree with you. People don't realize how heteronormative our society is...assigning a certain sexual orientation with a "normal" tag just makes people of other sexual orientations feel like there is something wrong with them. I believe that everyone sort of falls on a spectrum when it comes to their sexuality, and there are WAY more homosexual, bisexual and asexual people than we think.
I never really knew what asexual meant until I was reading this and decided to Google it. I'm still not sure. It just says asexuality is a sexual orientation describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or do not have interest in or desire for sex. Does that mean they aren't sexual at all or just not with others? Do they even masturbate? I have a friend who is 21 and still a virgin and she seems to have no interest in wanting to have sex. She's even confessed to never having an orgasm (which I'm not sure I believe that) but I mean, I guess it's possible. Maybe she's asexual? I feel so sorry for her because her brother and sisters are always teasing her about it and saying she just needs to get "laid". I know it bothers her and makes her feel horrible, like something is wrong with her. I told her that it's okay, that she shouldn't listen to them, and that she doesn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to. But now I'm curious to know if she may be asexual. I don't think she knows about asexuality, but maybe it would help her if she did..
@Coke0@xanga - Ah, I had forgotten all about the Kinsey Scale which just highlights how sexuality isn't black or white. It's very complicated and I wish people could explore that more.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - Asexuality itself is quite complicated even if the concept seems so simple. Some asexuals have sex drives. They can masturbate, have sex, have orgasms, etc. Some asexuals have low or no sex drives so they don't feel the need to do anything sexual. Some asexuals are even demisexual which is a whole other category of its own. Bottom line, the only thing that can really tie us together is the fact that we don't have an urge or desire to have sex with anyone of any gender AND that this lack of desire does not bother us. We can be romantic with others, develop platonic relationships, and even have sex. But, you should mention it to your friend just in case. Here's a good site.
If I met a person who didn't masturbate, didn't have any interest in sex/no apparent sex drive, and wasn't waiting until marriage to have sex, and had no interest in dating and finding a mate, then I would wonder if they're asexual.
there's a difference between being shy and asexual I assume because even shy people have an interest in sex, they might just be abstinent or waiting until marriage or something.