Saturday, 28 November 2009
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Affairs v. Hookups
I had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago, and it's an interesting conclusion that we came to.
I love my boyfriend to death and I know that I'm his favorite person, like... ever. He is my best friend and I can't live without him. I don't think I will ever love someone as much as him, I'm extremely attracted to him, and our love life is wonderful, absolutely fantastic, so no complaints.
But the more I thought about it and discussed it with him, I decided that I would forgive him if he ever hooked up with another chick. Reason being? People, as a general, biological rule, are horny. Always. And in the moment, temptation is hard to resist. You can have sex with someone without loving them because the two things are extremely different.
I decided that if anything ever happened and he could honestly tell me that he didn't have feelings for the other person, then he would be forgiven. But if were an affair type of situation with tons of cheating and emotional involvement... no, that's not okay. The day that I am clearly no longer the one he needs, is the day our relationship ends.
Overall, we decided if something ever happened we could most likely forgive. For both of us though, sex doesn't mean a whole lot without the emotional attachment and closeness that comes from a relationship so I don't see it being a problem. I'm so attached to him I have no desire to have sex with anyone else, but I'm only human and there are guys in my life where if the occasion arose, I honestly don't know what might happen. Probably not sex though.
It's not a question in my morals because I know what love is, at least to me, and I know what situations are or aren't worth my time. I am mostly a monogamous person. But I can't help but think that the way we're programmed is, in all reality, to not necessarily be monogamous and there's nothing we can do about it. It's a personal decision and takes extremely defined morals to abide by, typically dictated by social or religious standards, both of which I try not to let dictate my life and feelings. I'm trying to approach the debate with a logical, semi-scientific kind of mind.
So what do you think? Is there an acceptable difference between forgiving your SO for a hook-up as long as it wasn't along the lines of an affair?
Editor's note: The author sent this is to be added to this post:
"This conversation which took place was entirely hypothetical. My boyfriend has never cheated on me, and I have never cheated on him. We are both extremely monogamous, and extremely attached to one another. Even if the situation did arise, I know for a fact that he would not cheat on me. The point to the conversation was that we decided that if something did happen, either of us would feel so terrible about any wrong-doing toward the other that it would never happen again, because we are best friends, and we rely on each other a lot. Neither of us believe in sex without emotional attachment- to us, without that attachment, sex is pointless, and not even pleasurable. We simply discussed that fact that, technically, monogamy isn't really correct for human beings, and if something happened as long as there was no emotional involvement, the action would be forgiven, as long as it was never repeated, because hookups are FAR less involved than affairs. It was my mistake for not explaining this fully, but I would appreciate it if everyone would stop calling us terrible people."
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- From: greenglow28@xanga
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Comments (73)
Well, I approach relationships in a monogamous sense so for me, I don't wouldn't deem it acceptable. I don't even do random hook ups when I'm single, so . . . But then, I guess it depends on the people in the relationship. If you are able to forgive, then more power to you. Just, don't let him get carried away with it and read it as something else.
If my husband wanted to "hook-up" because he's horny...I'd divorce him. And that's saying a lot because neither of us went into our marriage believing that divorce was acceptable. Yeah....maybe people in general are "horny" but, it's called being able to control yourself and taking personal responsibility.
If your SO cheats on you, he DOESN'T love you.
Nah. I don't deem it acceptable at all. Cheating is still cheating, and you should still respect your SO enough to not only be committed to their soul, but also their body. Hormones and being 'horny by nature' is not an excuse. I'd never accept it as one. If you're dumb enough to get into a 'situation' with another girl, then you're dumb enough to want to be without me. :)
You're an idiot. Anyone can see he's a manipulative douche. Find a better guy.
@XxFireXboltxX@xanga - Exactly. In my opinion, a relationship where you're comfortable with you and your SO sleeping with other people is beyond strange. I know it works for a lot of people, but I have a hard time believing that they're completely attached to one another, and if they are, I think there HAS to be some deep-seeded resentment, hurt, and jealousy in there SOMEWHERE. To each their own though. I would just NEVER let the 'horny' excuse write off something so horrible.
@bukeshow@xanga - Exactly.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - glad I'm not the only one who's still "old fashion"
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - I like the way you put it....
Man, people are mean.
All interpersonal relationships are as you define them. So if you are leaving casual sex out in the open, then expect casual sex with other people. Don't be surprised if someone gets hurt too. Emotions aren't constant; they are ever changing, so one minute it might seem ok to you logically, but the next minute you'll have an unexplainable problem trying to forget his adultery.
people are so rude here. i know what you're talking about though, like horny or curiousity being only human nature, but ugh i don't think i'd be able to cope with the jealousy
i think i'd want to murder her and the boyfriend 
I agree, but I wouldn't accept it anyways. I wouldn't want to be with someone who lacks such self-control.
@bukeshow@xanga - Arigato.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - your welcome very much
@bukeshow@xanga - You may need to change your text color on your last blog. It's too bright, hard to read.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - I know I f**cked that up. If you right click on it you can see it better.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - your site background is bad ass.
@bukeshow@xanga - If you go to your look&feel, there's an area under the header tab, you can click it. The colors are set in blue and purple. Anyway, when you click it, a color palate shows up. That might help you.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - thank you.
@bukeshow@xanga - Haha. Of course it's badass. Sasuke is the king of the sharingan after all.
@bukeshow@xanga - No problem.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - hahaha
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - i watched Ninja Assasin last night. If you like kung foo flicks its definately a winner.
@bukeshow@xanga - Nothing beats chuck norris though. He'll round house kick you for food.
I'm actually disappointed with this never ending plot, though. They killed off Deidara, Itachi, Orochimaru, Sasori, Kisame, and the list keeps going. But it was cool how Kisame's sever head was still speaking as it fell to the ground, though. I'm also pissed off at how they claim in the manga Naruto defeated Pain, and they claim he's stronger than Sasuke. Naruto never defeated pain/nagato. All he did was talk. Sasuke took on his brother, the 8 tails, a number of samurai, and the five kages, and still managed to attempt to keep on fighting. They might as well call the show Sasuke. Without Sasuke, there would be no plot. It would just be Naruto going on random journeys attempting to gain the title of Hokage. The series is much more appealing with the darkness Sasuke has presented.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - damn you know your shit lol....