Everyone has a story of their first love and of heartbreak. I think I'm finally ready to share mine. This isn't the whole thing, two years cannot be shrunk into something like this. This is less a story of the "love" and more a story of the reason why I'm so emotionally distant and detached.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do."
"We fight so much though..."
"It's normal isn't it?"
"I suppose, but I'm scared to lose you."
"You'll never lose me, I love you."
It's moments like this, sitting alone listening to the rain.
I remember that summer day, late August. We were bickering over something small. You snapped and asked me what I was still doing there. I stood up, tears streaming down my face and turned away from you. What am I still doing here, I asked rhetorically as I left the room. Sobbing, I started down your driveway shivering in the night cold. You stood at the door, saying my name softly. When I didn't turn back you ran to me and wrapped me in your arms.
I remember standing in the tennis court in the pouring rain, you crying and me standing there awkwardly. I didn't know what to say to you. I don't remember why we were fighting, we fought so much it all blended together. I just remember the pain on your face and the helplessness I felt. I remember cautiously drawing you towards me into a hug. I started to cry, struck by the emotion of it all.
I remember that December Friday when I said "I love you" and you replied "I don't know anymore."
I remember spending the Saturday night at my cousin's house, breaking down into tears at the slightest things. I remember waking up Sunday morning to snow falling on the ground. I remember feeling cold and worthless. I remember sitting on the floor in the bathroom, my heart smashed into a million pieces.
I remember dragging myself out to the back field at lunch, filled with a sense of regret and inevitable loss. You explained to me that we couldn't keep fighting like this and that there was no point trying. I remember hugging you, knowing that it was over.
I don't remember much of the Christmas break, it was filled with fake smiles and real tears. I felt as cold as the snow that covered the ground.
I remember we decided to be friends, I remember that ended up with you fucking with my vulnerability and using me relentlessly. I remember being so happy that we were finally talking again, only to be crushed after I did part of your English project and you stopped talking to me.
I proceeded to throw myself into two meaningless relationships, trying to find something that would heal me. Neither brought anything more than me heartlessly dumping them. I knew I'd never fall for them, that was the appeal.
I did things that definitely weren't me. I needed to prove that I wasn't the same girl you broke.
I acted out. I rebelled.
At that point you noticed. You told me I was fucking up my life. You reminded me of my father, just more verbal.
I haven't thought about you much until today. You're the reason why I'm such a bitch and so skeptical of anyone who tries to get close to me.
I'm terrified to be hurt like that again.
I'm terrified to let someone close to me.
I hate snow. I hate December.
I hate him. I hate vulnerability.
This is why I'm skeptical of life.
This is why I run from attachments.
I like to push people away.
I like to run from people who care.
He tells me he's scared to let me in,but does he have any clue how terrified I am of him?
True 
Comments (42)
It's tough. Definitely. But there's real process to healing when you're constantly trying to prove/gain the attention of your ex-boyfriend. Cuz then everything you do isn't for yourself. Healing requires focus on yourself. Once he's pushed to the past, those fake smiles and real tears eventually fade away. It'll still hurt from time to time, but it'll get better.
Hope everything will be better :D
It doesn't sound like you two were meant to be, but he got one thing right.
Fear and running away are only going to fuck up your life.
Until you accept who you are without these petty needs to prove yourself, and accept the shitty things that have happened so that you can move past them, you're going to hold on to this for a long, long time.
wht the fucckkkk! im soo tried of people all sad about their relationships... like you have your whole life, and your crying/ fighting for whattt.. a boy or girll!. plus you shouldnt let your past effect your future.. trust me your going to get dumped/ heartbroken 50 times before you find your so call true love. &&& then again, it might not last long or forever. just live your life. dont depend on someone soo much, that if they leave you, your like depressed! that we NEVER be me. but im sorry for your problems, but pleassee move on, b/c you deserve better.
I feel ya girl. My first puppy love left me for a modeling career in New York. In the process of getting over that I met the guy who took my virginity and we dated forever. Worst relationship EVER. Constant cheating/breaks/bla bla bla bullshit. He cheated on me with girls I had to see every day at school. We fought constantly. Eventually I wrapped my head around it and dumped him.
I've never been close with anyone after that.
I understand just how you feel. I dated the same guy for 2 years straight and then we were off and on for 7 more years. It was just recently that he told me that he would never love me the way he use to and that he couldn't help that I changed. I looked at my like and the only thing I ever changed was the way I worked and that I got a new job. I tried everything to keep him to make him understand that I'm still the same girl. Well now that it has been a while I realized that I did change but I changed for the better. I don't let people walk over me like I did(i guess you would consider that as bitchieness) But I don't care. I'm the only one that can run my life and well if you can't love the girl I am now You don't deserve to love me at all
ohh man... u just had me in tears hahah i completely understand how you feel..it's make u question if it is better to be in love or loose it. ..it sucks and it hurts and i just really hope it doesn't last forever. but there's tons of ppl that understand
i'm going through my first real heartbreak now.
I thought I'd never open up again after the guy I dated years ago, but I opened up to the last guy I dated and now I'm left with my heart having been shattered into a million pieces. I understand why you would be terrified to be hurt like that again. I don't want to feel like this ever again, but I said that years ago as well.
As hard as it may be I know I have to move on and learn to trust someone else, but it will take time and maybe I'll be hurt again, but that's a risk I have to take. I can't stop living my life just because of how he made me feel.
Take care,
xxx
That's awful. I just cried. I'm sorry
I'm sure these feelings are going to happen to me in a few months.
@mashimaroboi@xanga - Yeah, things are much better now than they were even four months ago. It's weird to reflect on the pain though..
@newyorkcitygirl123@xanga - Awh.. just stay strong. As cliche as it is, time heals.
my sister was in a relationship like this too. i kept telling her to get out before it was too late but she didn;t listen. she said i was a skeptic and an ice cube. now she;s jaded and needy. maybe being an ice cube isn;t so bad after all...
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - i couldn;t have said it better myself. some ppl, girls especially always need someone to remind them they're worthy, and then cry and bitch out when they hit a wall. that's cos the only respect they need is theor own.
@danisha301@xanga - So people shouldn't grieve the end of a relationship? Come on, you have to have some time to get over it before you just "move on". I'm not saying that you should wallow in your sorrow forever, but sometimes it takes some time before a person is ready to move on.
I know how you feel :(
@breaking_expectations@xanga - Yea, it's been 2 weeks and I'm starting to heal, but I still have my moments when I just break down in tears.
@newyorkcitygirl123@xanga - That's understandable, it's harder than a lot of people who have never experienced it can realize.
@breaking_expectations@xanga - Yea, it was my first acutal real one. the "other" heartbreaks aka post breakups faded within a week.
The exact same thing happened to me, down to changing my personality into someone he'd want and putting myself through two meaningless relationships. I broke their hearts both times, didn't care even though i wanted to; i needed to. It's been two and a half years since my heart was broken. However, i've only spent part of it numb. Another guy came along and made me realize what i was pointlessly changing myself for, and he taught me to love myself and the things i have, again. I hope you find someone just like that, too. It's surprising the profound effect that one person you never noticed before can eventually have on you.
the first one always hurts the most...
That was beautifully written, but horrible. I know how you feel to an extend. I'm going through it now, but I'm getting a whole lot better.
this is what I fear in the future.
i feel you, do take it as an experience in life. it just makes you a stronger person :)
This feels like I was reading something from my diary about my first real heartbreak... More or less so, at least. Hehheh. It's a tough experience...And the pain just feels and seems so unbearable. My my. But after a while, things start to get better. Eventually. No matter what. "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"... Right?