Thursday, 26 November 2009
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A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words
Lately, I've been coming across pictures of my boyfriend with other girls.
But, they are from the past . . Some even before I met him. I know that they shouldn't bug me so much, but for some reason every time I come across another one [which they are rare], it feels like my stomach is doing somersaults. You know that feeling, where you find out something you wish you hadn't?I think the biggest reason they bug me so much is because, I just recently got my first good picture of me and him together. which took a lot of bugging, and we've been dating for a year. I know for a fact, the one girl he is in pictures with, he was not dating. And he looked pretty damn content to be in those pictures. There's probably about 30 of them, and this was just months before me and him started hanging out. Just tonight I came across a few, of him topless with a girl whose arms are wrapped around him, again he didn't seem to mind to be in those pictures either.Maybe I'm taking this too personally, but as far as I'm concerned he makes it a way bigger deal to get pictures with me, who he's been with for a year, not to mention I am his longest relationship, by far. I think the other thing that bugs me to no end, is how he's been so quiet about his past relationships. He's told me once, about a girl he dated for a week or so, and that was his only relationship. Not to mention all he really said about it was that he didn't really want to date her, that he was sort of pressured into it. I think it bugs me that he's so secretive about it. But if that was his only relationship in the past, how come i keep finding these sort pictures of him and these girls, acting like their dating, or at least, "Close" friends.Girls, can I ask how it would make you feel if you found pictures of your boyfriend with all these girls, & him seeming to be enjoying the pictures, when he makes a big deal about it when you want to take some? Especially when he's been so secretive about his past relationships. Would it make you wonder? Would you feel a little tinge of hurt/jealously from it, even though it's from the past?Boys, I would like you to answer with a males perspective on this.
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Inaheartbeatx@xanga - Name: Marissa
- About Me: Quotes help me define my experiences, emotions and life in general. They say the things I can't quite put together. Music is my mood. Photographs are my expressions. Writing is my therapy. - quotes by me will have @inaheartbeatx after them.
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Comments (71)
1 word: Communication. Talk to him. I talk to my boyfriend and nothing in his past or present bothers me because I know his intentions and his feelings.
You're taking it WAAAY too personally.
Show you care by letting go of his past, big deal if he doesn't share it? Looking towards the future, which won't happen if you're paranoid, and accepting him presently.
I don't think it should be that big of a deal. If it bugs you so much, then talk to him. It'd probably help more than asking a bunch of random strangers how they'd feel in the same situation, because everyone's different.
My answer is pretty much gonna be a novel....fair warning. :)
When my now husband and I started dating, he was pretty secretive about his past relationships. It bothered me because he didn't do a good job of trying to hind them on myspace or facebook but would do everything in person to cover them up. I kept seeing pictures of him with other girls....even on his computer.
I tried to ignore it but it really bothered me...so I finally confronted him about it. Maybe confront is a harsh word...it was more like, just brought it up. He was really confused but I was finally able to convey why it bothered me. He ultimately deleted them and I realized those pictures were from a different time in his life....before he became the man I had fallen in love with. It felt good to finally realize that and it helped.
It's easier said than done but, realize he's with YOU now, he's been with you for a year so, things must be going well then. Talk to him, tell him you are bothered (but don't be judgemental/rude about it) and just TRY to move on. It'll be okay! :) Good luck!!!
i'll start this off by saying i am an EXTREMEMLY jealous person. it's something i'm working on, but i don't think i'll ever really get over it completely. i won't lie ... finding pictures like the one you posted up here of my boyfriend would trouble me. but i think it's more the fact that i'm unsure about myself. i don't think your boyfriend means anything by it at all. i know for a fact it's harder to be sentimental with those who you really care about. i know this sounds silly. but let's say i was single and at a club or a party and there were some guys i thought were cute there. i would have absolutely no problem posing like a slut and taking stupid pictures with them (if i were that kind of girl ... which i can be). but with a guy i really like ... even a picture would mean more. it would be different somehow, because we were together. it wouldn't be stupid or meaningless anymore. you know what i'm saying? sure, i think it's perfectly reasonable to be a little upset about these pictures. but if you talk to him about it i'm sure it doesn't mean he cares about you any less. good luck :]
concert pics and LAN pics are just fun they don't mean anything. the pic in the text may be a pic of a motorcycle show or something else but the same idea is there. he is just having fun...
also sometimes a girl wants to know what they would look like if she was with him... so thats why they might look like they are together.
also he might have some worries about time scale or something, like maybe he doesnt think the relationship will last and if/when you two split up, he doesn't want reminders...
idk just couple quick ideas...
@AnemicRoyalty64@xanga - I think so too
His past is HIS past...if he wants to share it with you, cool. If not, let it be...it's not your past. As long as he doesnt do anything to harm you with your current relationship you have no business prying into his past life if he doesnt want you to. You werent in his life at that time, so it shouldnt matter to you what he was really doing. You decided to get with him now, so that means you should have known who you were getting involved with before you started getting serious.That's how I feel about the situation.
They're just old pictures. You're way over reacting.
I felt the same way with my boyfriend. He had his computer filled with pictures, suitcases filled with pictures and love letters, and so many other personal items he kept from other women. And just like you, me and him also didn't have many pictures together as he did with the others, and also had to bug him endlessly to take a pic with me. At first I didn't mind because we obviously all have a past, but as the relationship deepened, it really did bother me to go into his room and see these things. I brought it up, and he became extremely defensive and secretive, but after a (few months) and many arguments, he realized the respect aspect of the whole thing. I signed up for me and him, not pics like that finding me everytime i used his computer. I would also say its a matter of growing and letting go of certain aspects to show respect for another. I'd say just explain what is bothering you. Maybe if you knew more about his past, things won't bother you as much. A little openness on his part would go a long way.
Good luck:)
I wouldn't think it means anything, honestly. There are some sorts of pictures that would kind of hint at something if they were kept around, such as if you found pictures of him naked with his ex. Yeah, something like that would be a little weird.
But otherwise, eh, they're just pictures, not too big of a deal. Some guys get really irritated with girlfriends trying to take real cute pictures of them together. After awhile, I know I lose patience with the subject.
OK total cheese. Do you guys remember the original Lion King. There is a scene where Rafikie is trying to teach Symba a life lesson. Symba is pissed about the past and the things that have happened. Rafikie hauls off and smacks him in the head with his stick. Symba says, WTF (well the censored version for a kids movie). Rafikie replies........."it doesn't matter, it is in the past"
For a cartoon, that is probably on of the most profound statements that I have ever heard.
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - That's true. Some girls tend to nag their boyfriends to take pictures with them, that in the end the guy just can't be bothered.
sounds like he doesn't think you're good looking enough to be in pictures with him - sorry, no offense. its just waht it sounds like from how you make him out to be in the blog. its a little blunt, but he's probably a little self conscious about his image and dating you. he's not a good guy to have a serious relationship with if he can't get over this barrier. you should be nobody's second, in fact, you should be his #1 priority.
O_o Dude if he doesn't want to take pictures with you, that says a lot believe it or not.
That's such a small thing, if he can't even bring himself to do that for you than he's not gonna do much else in the future.
@DMac25@xanga - If there was a "rec" button for comments I'd totally rec the Rafiki statement. :)
Honestly, it seems as if you can't trust, and I wouldn't be able to trust him either if he is acting shady.
By the looks of the picture you posted, he looks like a perv. I believe the past is the past, and if you can see that he is different from what the pictures indicate then you shouldn't have any reason not to trust him.
But most men don't change, ever. And many men, not all, but a good half of them are dogs and liars. By the look of the picture posted - it looks like your man falls into this category.
So the question is ... are you the type of woman to be okay with dating a guy like this?
I WOULD BE ANNOYED AS HELL!
if he doesn't wanna take a picture with his gf of a year, there's something wrong....I think that if you really want to know, let him know that its bothering you. He'll likely talk to you about everything. Personally i do the same thing he does, but only to the "general public", maybe he's still just stuck in the mind frame that he can't tell anyone. Remind him that he can trust you and that it won't bother you.
I had three dates when I was in High School: three. In four years of High School, three dates. Yet, I have pictures of, from, and with many, many, MANY girls that I went to High School with. Most of them were (and stil lare) hot. The reason I have and had all those photos? They were friends. That's all, just friends. When my wife asked about them, I told her the truth: they were friends.
"Well what about now?"
"Baby, that was twenty years ago, and now I have you. Please tell me you aren't getting jealous of girls who've married and changed over the last twenty years...???"
She said that she wasn't (but I wondered), and didn't need to be to begin with. They were friends. That's all.
If your beau says he only dated one girl for a week, and he really didn't want to date her, take it at face value. There are a lot of us who didn't date. My Dad ran into a classmate of mine years ago, and this young lady told my Dad that she kept waiting for me to ask her out. When Dad asked "Why didn't you, son?" I merely said that she never made herself available, and she didn't. Her circle of friends pretty much dictated her life and basically out of my range and view. That's basically how it was for just about every girl I knew in High School. That's also why I only had three dates (all of them, actually, coming in my Senior Year). Maybe that's why your beau has all the photos -- including the one posted -- of him with all the gals. Perhaps they are just friends. And now he has you. Are you jealous of girls that are in his past? Since he only dated one for a week and really didn't want to -- and has been wth you for over a year -- my question is the same as I asked my wife...
"Please say you aren't getting jealous over girls from his past...???"
Who is he dating now? Who has he been with for the past year? Getting jealous about stupid stuff will just turn him off, and drive him away. Do you really want to do that?
And I agree with others who've said it: if it bothers you, let him know. Guys aren't mind readers.
@impulsivewords - the picture in the blog isn't my boyfriend.
datingish just posted that along with the blog.@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - thats exactly it though. the one i found that night, he didnt have a shirt on. and in another photo the girl had her arms wrapped around him, while he was rubbing his nipples. yeah, it was probably just a goofing around picture. but seeing that, is what bugged me more than anything. and i honestly haven't bugged him a whole lot to get pictures because i know it's not his favourite thing. One picture is all i wanted.
@melllisa@xanga - talking to him did get him to open up about it, [and no i didn't pry it out of him ] he willing explained the situations to me, which made me feel much better.
@XxFireXboltxX@xanga - I never was judgemental. I know how he is now, and thats all i see him as. but finding those pictures , caught me off guard in a way. partly because he wasn't wearing a shirt and such. But we did talk, and things worked themselves out. I think after reading everyone's responses and talking to him, i've come to realize, yes it is his past. I have my past too. It's something that shouldn't affect the way things are now. thanks (: @suggestivetongue@xanga - done, and as i said, he willing told me about it. which made me feel better. i'll remember this for next time, just talk.& to anyone else who said i should just talk to him about it, i did. the reason i didn't want to was because i didn't want it to seem like i had been snooping around, trying to find these kinds of things. yeah, i probably should have just talked to him in the first place, but i guess i was a little worried of what his reaction would be.
@Inaheartbeatx@xanga - i understand.
i just figured that the way that i looked at the picture on the blog resembled how your boyfriend looks in pictures with other girls.
but really, it's your own judgment call regardless of what the pictures say.
you feel what you feel and that is valid
It would bother me a lot. I'd probably ask him about it, or just mention it to him..Maybe he'd pick up that you're bothered by it and try to make you feel better somehow..I kind of feel the same but with different types of pictures..My fiance had pictures on his Facebook of him and his friends from years ago when they were drinking and stuff..and to me when people take pictures trying to look all cool and/or acting stupid when they're drinking and such just irritates me..but he doesn't do that anymore. Even though I know that and we're super close now, if I look at the pictures too much - it still bugs me. I don't know why. I guess you should just focus on now though. He's with you, and that's what matters. My only advice is to maybe talk to him about it, and don't look at the pictures anymore, it'll only bother you.