Wednesday, 25 November 2009
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Guilt-Tripping for Sex
I was reading this article and was reminded of a situation I was in a while back.
At this time last year I was still with my ex, who we will refer to as D. D and I were together from senior year of high school, and ended up going to colleges far apart from one another. During this time we had all the ups and downs usually seen long distance relationships (this was during my freshman year in college). There'd be times when he decided he wanted to "experience the college life", ie. (party and hook up with other girls), and later he'd come back and say he loved me more than anything else in the world (lol).
Anyways, during one of our make-up IM/phone conversations, the topic of sex came up (we were both virgins at the time) I remember he refused to call it by name, be it having sex or making love, and he'd use cheesy euphemisms instead (took me a while to get what he was talking about, but I ran along with it). The plan was that we'd get together over spring break and get it on. I told him I didn't see a problem with that, but I'd need some time to think it over.
Two weeks later, the topic came up again, and by that time I decided I wasn't really that excited about the idea. I didn't want to give up my first time to someone who'd decide we should go on break. Then change his mind.. Multiple times.
So basically I told him that I wasn't really sure about the whole thing (I explained my first reason and kept the second to myself), and we may or may not end up having sex over break. The change in his tone was immediate. I apologized for upsetting him, and he basically said that he didn't see why I'd change my mind since I said I was ok with it two weeks ago. And addressed my concerns as follows:
D: Don't you trust me?
me: I'm not really sure we're ready for this.
D: I love you, and I thought you love me too (this is where he expected me to reassure him. Which I did :/ )me: sorry if I upset you.
D: Well, you said you'd be ok with it. And I was so happy looking forward to break. But whatever /guilt tripIn the end, being the foolish girl I was (not wanting to upset him in any way), I settled with something like 'alright, I'll do it with you, but please be gentle' or something along those lines. I was hoping that I'd go on a family vacation for break so I would have a valid excuse not to have sex.
Even now when I think back, I still get riled up. I couldn't believe how easily manipulated I was back then (I felt awful for putting him in a bad mood). Word to all girls out there--no matter how much you like a boy, or how much a boy tells you he likes you, if you're uncomfortable with doing anything with him, just stand your ground. Don't apologize. Even if I did promise D sex, I still had the right to change my mind, it's not like I owed him anything (even though he made me feel like I did). Fortunately, we didn't get to do the nasty, and even today I'm thankful for that. We broke up before break ended, and I count myself lucky not to have made the mistake of giving my first time to the wrong person.
So yeah, if a boy (or girl) ever uses the line "don't you love me?" as a reason for you to do something you're not comfortable with, my advice would be to say no first, and then keep a wary eye out for any signs of manipulation. Or better yet, just break it off (though I understand that's usually hard to do). Chances are, if they've gone so low as to use that line, being in love with you isn't the first thing on their minds.
Do you agree?
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Comments (38)
I agree; If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) tries to get you to do something new, whether it be nonsexual or sexual related things, stand your ground, and if s/he does love you as much as s/he says, they won't force it upon you.
My boyfriend tries the "if you love me, you'll do it thing" but the good thing is he doesn't force it upon me.
Agreed. Good on you, and thanks for posting :) xx
I think that it is wrong that both of you picked out a date that you could bang. I feel that sex should come naturally and not planned. And if your guy is too immature to say "sex" or "making love" or "intercourse" , then he probably isn't mature enough for the actual deed. I am glad you did not have sex with him. D is too immature.
Congrats on standing your ground.
yeah definitely. don't ever use "if you love me...." that's just straight up manipulation.
Glad you didn't give in. Guilt is never a reason to have sex with someone. If they are guilting you they aren't being considerate of your feelings and your desire to do things.
That's how I lost my virginity....
Biggest mistake of my life.
I hate myself for it....
Totally 100% agree. Anybody who uses that line definitely does not have your best interests in mind. They obviously only have their own best interests in mind.
I agree. If they really do love you, they will respect you and your decisions, especially about something as important as sex. Someone who respects you as a person and as a partner would never use such a tired line to manipulate you into getting your way. Its definitely a red flag. I'm glad that it ended up that by the time break rolled around it wasn't even an issue because you weren't together anymore. You deserve way better than someone who would pull a stunt like that. :) Anyone does!
ugh.. i hate people like that. haha no asshole i dont love you now gtfo.. when i was in hs i was dating an older guy who tried to make me what he wanted me to be. luckily he lived far away and i broke things off.. but i never let him con me into that stuff.
ladies its as simple as this. dont be naive. and if you DO do something stupid..? so what. as long as you learn from your errors.. nothing is completely lost. Dont EVER let someone make you feel bad about the sexual decisions you make - whether its to wait till marriage or to sleep with your whole town. thats YOUR choice.. live your life and own it!
I got chills when I read this, because your ex seems almost EXACTLY like mine, from the part about being in a long-distance relationship to using that line "Don't you trust me?" when it comes to having sex.
How creepy would it be if we dated the same person?? Haha. But in all seriousness, thank you for posting this. I wish I'd been able to stand my ground like you did...
I'm just going to say; don't let anyone guilt trip you into ANYTHING, ever. Be it sex, going somewhere you're uncomfortable going, doing something you don't want to do, etc. Especially not if they use the line "but I thought you loved me." Because someone who truly loves you will never make you feel bad about not doing something you're uncomfortable doing, they will understand. This was a lesson I had to learn myself.
Good for you.
People who fall for this are weak minded individuals. It's not the other person's fault. They choose to have sex.
oh gosh, I know so many girls who were guilt-tripped into sex. Specially in Christian environments, where they're sometimes naiver, lonelier, trying to keep themselves "pure". In most of those cases, the guys broke up with them the very next day cause they (the guys) felt guilty whenever they looked at them. I feel like killing those guys.
I guilted my ex into sex.
It was to get back at her because she lied to me about how many people she had been with before me and the fact that she had cheated on me.
She was my first.
For big things I definitely agree. However, my boyfriend and I always say that on silly things. If he hasn't taken the trash out and it's just sitting there, I'll look at him and pout and ask him if he really loves me why he can't keep up on his chores or that he must have stopped loving me and wants to bury me in trash. He usually laughs and does it. He does similar things with me. It's never serious, but it does remind us of things that need to get done when other reminders stop catching our attention.
i agree. my first bf tried to guit trip me into having sex when we were 18, and when he figured out that i wouldn;t budge, he didn't call me for a week. i didnlt mind since i didn;t like him, and i broke up with him a month after that. i;m glad i didn't let him talk me into doing anything sexual cos i wasnt ever rly attracted to him that way. after a while even kissing him was a chore.
instead, i waited till i was in a relationship with my current bf to do it, and im glad...i wouldn;t have it any other way even thiough i got teased to infinity and back for not sleeping with anyone till i was 19 and a half years old.
Didn't read the post but as soon as I seen that picture, i literally laughed out loud!
word!
im one of unlucky girls.
at the time i was moving to a different school and i had to make new friends. i was moving houses and moving from living with my mom to living with my dad. my family was losing money and jobs as well. and my parents were both getting into fights with their bf/gf and were going through breakups and emotional damage. my exbf was the really jealous-type and possessive of me and it caused me to lose a lot of my friends. he knew the situation i was in and all the hardships...and he didnt want to be with me just because i was moving and he felt that we were growing apart. he implied that if we were to stay together i had to prove it to him by having sex with him. so being the lonely stupid desperate girl that i was...i had sex with him.
he broke up with me within a month and in-between those times he didn't do anything for my birthday. yeah. he was a real a**hole. he begged for me back about a month later and kept at it. but i couldnt put myself back in that situation again...even though for some reason i still wanted to be with him.he was the kind of guy who pulled alot of guilt trips on me and i have low self esteem enough as it is. it was to the point where i believed that he was the only person who would ever love me and treat me right (ironic right?). after him i was never able to trust guys with sex at all. for a while i couldn't even hug some of my guy-friends again...i found myself trembling. i was traumatized.
but i found somebody new...but thats a story for another day.
bottomline: DONT DO ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, NO MATTER WHAT. YOU RUN YOUR OWN LIFE. ITS YOUR OWN BODY AND NOBODY SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ENOUGH TO GIVE UP YOUR OWN BODY. your body has done a lot for you...don't push it to the side like nothing for somebody else. if at all...the feelings have to be mutual.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - those guilt tripped into sex didnt CHOOSE to have sex. they chose to keep the other person happy and put them before themselves.
@heidi_teamaster@xanga - if you ever need somebody to talk to. im here. i went through the same thing D:
@cazziii_fire@xanga - They had sex didn't they? That was their chose ultimately, people like that are weak. I speak from experience.
@AphoticxIllusion@xanga - i know. im not saying that you're wrong. im just saying that there is more to it than just choosing to have sex. there is always a reason behind something. and reason plays a huge part in any kind of decision. its like...in one of those shows where the main character chooses to do something that seems stupid to everybody else but in the end it pays off for something good. and for every mistake a "weak individual" makes it should enhance them to become stronger in the future.