For some reason, I cannot trust a guy's reason for breaking up. So far I've heard: "you deserve someone better", "I am bad with commitment", "I can't do long distance relationships" - even when we still had another 4 months before it was suppose to turn into a long distance relationship, "you could have any guy you want", "I just want to be free", "I don't want to hurt you" and the infamous "it's not you, it's me".
I've address my concern about male breakup excuses, although women also have their own set of excuses.
(Women's excuses: "I need to focus on my career right now", "I'm not ready for this type of relationship; I don't think I can give you everything that you need and that you deserve", "I just don't think it's a good idea to be in a relationship right now", "I need to figure myself out", and again the infamous "it's not you, it's me".
Anyways, I've addressed my concern to my male friend. I simply asked "do men lie when they break up? I admit, women lie as well." His reply was... "Men lie because they are dicks, and women lie because they don't want to hurt the guy's feelings."
Supposedly, no matter what sugarcoated lie the guy gives for dumping girls, it all comes down to sex. Either women are not giving enough sex, she just isn't enough, or he wants more and from other people.
On the other hand, women usually break up with men because they realize they can do better or because they've found someone better.
Of course, not all breakups are like this. Not all excuses are lies, but how do we discern which is the lie and which is the truth?
I'd like to believe that all the excuses that I've heard were true, especially with the guys that I had trusted, and who've told me to trust them. So how do I know? How does any of us know?
Comments (45)
My ex gave me the "I need to find myself" and "It's not you, it's me" reasons. She also added that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore, which I didn't understand after 11 months of being together. And I'm still trying to find out why.
I broke up with my first boyfriend because he didn't want to have sex. At all. Ever. And we never did. So I moved on.
I think I've lied every single time I've ever broken up with someone. It's totally a matter of sugar coating. When I've said in the past, "I need to focus on school and I'm moving soon." I really meant, "You're too childish and I'm not really attracted to you and there are a thousand guys better than you that are more in my league." Sound bitchy? Of course, it's a lie to save their feelings. "I've said we're moving too fast, lets take a break..." when really I had no intentions of getting back together with them, I didn't love them anymore and had already found someone else. I have plenty of other examples, but the jist of it is we don't want to hurt your feelings. I honestly believe that no matter who breaks up with who, no one really tells the full reason and everyone bullshits a little.
I think this is stupid and sexist against both sides.
Sometimes cliches are true...
I've been lied to when guys have broken up with me a couple of times. I've only broken up with two guys before and didn't lie about the reasons why. First time was because I still had feelings for someone else and I told him staight out and the second guy I told him I couldn't put up with the arguments any longer. I don't see the point in lying to them. If they did something wrong they can maybe learn about that for a relationship they have in the future.
Thanks for an informative post. I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend before. I didn't know there was such a thing as 'cliched' excuses until I read your post. It's good to learn about the obstacles of love before delving into it.
@feathereyecandy@xanga - When anyone says, "It's not you, it's me..." It means it's you. Always.
i never believe the reason why people break-up; usually their actions within the following couple weeks make absolutely no sense... so yeah, guys lie, girls lie... plain and simple
The main reason for breaking up? Whatever they're saying = I don't like you enough to make this work. Period.
this is deep! haha but to answer the question who caress whats the reason, just know you get dumped, or whatever. so many ppl spend time wondering why they get dumped.. but it doesnt matter b/c things happen for a unreason
ahhh, my bf did this. The whole 'its not you its me' thing. Sucks, because I know its me. ;__;
I tried asking my bf for a reason why he felt that way. He said he couldn't think of anything. What a load of bs.
@LauraG0929@xanga - Not completely true. Just depends on the person.
haha guys have lied to me plenty of times. funny thing is, i know they're lying. they just dont know that i know.
This will sound bad, but every time I've broken up with someone, it was because I'd found someone better [which is reasonable in my opinion, why not be with the person that is best for you?]. But I was always honest and said something along the lines of "I'm breaking up with you, I want to be with X because I feel a stronger connection with him and I think we're more compatible." If you're breaking up with someone, there's no reason to keep lying. It's the end.
I think the most hurtful way to be broken up with is by the, "Just wanna be friends," line, even if you believe it meant, "I want to have sex with someone else."
But I don't really think lying is all that bad when breaking up; breaking up is never easy, and I mean, the opposing side is just being broken up with, they don't want to hear the addition of;
"I found someone else"
or simply
"I just don't love you."
I've never found a guy dumping a girl just for sex, but I believe it would happen. I've seen more girls dump guys over sex.
this exact thing happened to me. my first boyfriend and i broke up on monday. we had spent about 50 hours together during the last two weeks so it was really hard on me even though we technically had only been dating 3 days. when i asked him why he said -verbatim- "we are on two different pages. i know you pledged to be pure. and i was trying to have a relationship without sex and it is just not gonna work." so i asked him if he was breaking up with me because i wouldn't have sex with him and he said no. uhm sorry honey, but yes that is why. and i'm going to have to be ok with it.
Well I think honestly break up reasons are bit more complicated than just what your friend boiled it down to, being mainly about sex when it comes to guys breaking up. I mean the reason I broke up with my ex was because she cheated on me, lied to me, etc. So I told her flat out I can't be with someone whom I can't trust. I gave a very straightforward reason for it.
And honestly those are some cliche excuses but cliches fit and are used for a reason besides just to lie or give some half ass answered. And also, the whole, "It's not you, it's me." excuse can be taken both ways. The girl could be doing what in a "normal" relationship or with a "normal" guy would be considered perfect but if it just doesn't work for the guy then you could say it is the guy that has something wrong, or yes you can say it's the girl that is the issue. It's a circular argument that's just pointless. The reason given though is just scratching at the surface or has many subpoints. So the better thing to do if you really want to know, is to ask what or why they feel that way or think that way. Obviously not everyone will answer, much less answer honestly, but all you can do is hope you get one.
@danisha301@xanga - as for wanting to know the reason, this is because I think for closure with ourselves, wondering whether it was because it was our own fault or whether it was their fault mainly - we will feel better about ourselves if we find the reason to be their own fault (like they fell in love with someone else or cheated on us - so it wasn't something we did) and not ours. I guess it's one of those, win the battle but lost the war kind of deal? But it still gives us some slight satisfaction, esp. knowing we did nothing wrong. Or at least that's my take on it.
I recently got "I just want you to be happy, and I can't make you happy. I hope you find happiness."
of course, making me happy within the relationship was more than doable on his part. and if he really wanted to make me happy, he wouldn't have immediately started hitting on his ex gf that he used to swear up and down that he still didn't find attractive. needless to say, my happiness was not his priority... not that I can really expect it to be.
@Camouflaged_by_night@xanga - Do you really believe that?
@LauraG0929@xanga - Thanks for the tip :) I'll keep that in mind. I just hope I won't be hearing that line from someone I love in the future.
Regardless of gender, when s/he breaks up with you for whatever reason, it simply means "S/he is just not that into you!" Because honestly, if they still wanted to be in the relationship and make it work, they would. End of story. If somebody wants something bad enough, s/he will put in the effort to make it happen.
@feathereyecandy@xanga - Yeah, I hear ya. But really, if you do end up hearing that just remember that there is most likely someone better out there waiting to find you. I don't really know why, but I honestly think that everything happens for a reason, guess I've just seen things work out like that. :) I've had some pretty close calls when it comes to ex's and I'm so happy that I broke it off with them, because they all eventually led me to my husband. :)
@mZdejavuZ@xanga - Exactly.
@mZdejavuZ@xanga - I definitely agree. Well said, well said.
@mZdejavuZ@xanga - This is pretty much what I was going to say. It's the truth. @LauraG0929@xanga - And I also agree with this.