Tuesday, 24 November 2009

• Opening the Closet, One Inch at a Time

  
  

  Change really does seem to be a theme for me right now.

  I had to read this book for my religion class recently. It really kind of made me change my thinking about my life and who I am and who I want to be. It's about a Muslim girl who decided that she would like the wear her hijab (the head-covering) "full-time" instead of just sometimes or when she felt like it. She wanted to do this because she wanted to express herself as a Muslim and to feel a closer connection to God.

  Right off the bat, I have to say that my take from the book has almost nothing to do with religion. Interesting huh?

  I really admired her courage in doing what she did to express herself, and while the story took place in Australia, being Muslim is generally difficult when you have people treating you like a terrorist and to show it on the outside??...on purpose?? *shiver* True courage.

  Now, on to the relevance (that would be nice wouldn't it?)

  For the longest time, I felt like I had to hide so many parts of my personality and who I really am or who I want to be. Social reasons, my mother, my future career, my future family, my mother (did I say my mother? Ok, just asking.)

  Things like expressing my sexuality as a bisexual. I've been in the closet so long, I'm collecting cobwebs!

  I mean, it's not like NO ONE knows about it. You all know. My closest friends and a couple of my relatives do. But I've been taking strides to change that. I don't want my life to be all about me having a gay streak, but I feel that it's not anything I want to hide anymore. And I took a stride towards it.
  

  About a week ago yesterday, I came out to the entire Residence Life Staff (including some administrators, and all the other RA's taking the class this semester - pretty much most of them)

  Now THERE'S a story...

  In our RA class - which new RA's have to take in their first semester as an RA - we had a guest speaker. He was there to talk to us about diversity, not just race/ethnicity-wise, but weight, height, sexuality, what have you. We did this activity where everyone stands on one side of the room and he called out different qualities and if we related to that quality or considered ourselves as that quality, then we would step over the line, but ONLY if we wanted to.

  Simple enough.

  Earlier in the session, one girl had admitted openly that she was in a relationship with a girl and that she was bisexual. Totally admirable

  So.....

  "If you consider yourself to homosexual, bisexual, or transgendered...please cross the line."

  That girl went up.........then another......

  I couldn't even tell you how hard my heart was beating.

  Normally in this situation, I would just not acknowledge myself. Especially in front of a group of people, some of whom I was cool with, but the majority being made up of people that I may have only spoken to maybe once before, if at all! But, this is the new and improved me. Nothing to hide, and not ashamed!

  I stepped forward.

  And there we were. Three gay girls in front of a sea of eyes looking back at us.

  Never have I felt so exposed.

  Part of you being up there across the line was that you were supposed to say something that you don't want people to think about when they encounter someone like you. I never have trouble speaking in front of a crowd. But I can tell you, I was shaking. I don't even remember what I said.

  After it was over, then the the terrifying realization swept over me. Now...I have to go back to the group. I was so afraid that the girls I was standing with before wouldn't want to stand next to me anymore. I was so afraid that they would start to move away from me and even worse, the girls that I have made friends with would talk to me less or not at all.

  But, people definitely surprise you.

  No one brought it up. No one said anything to me about it. It was like it never happened. One girl came up and congratulated me on my bravery. That's it. That felt good.

  I decided after that situation that I'm really going to just accept the person that I am. I guess that I have already made some strides in doing so. I joined the LGBT here on campus (first time I ever joined one and I'm honestly really glad I did) I already feel so much better about myself that I can be myself and not have to hide. And everyday, the little things seem to just get so much better.

  Would any of you have done the same thing if put into that situation (not just with sexuality but with anything)?

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