Tuesday, 24 November 2009

  • Can You Melt a Frozen Heart?

    You only see what your eyes want to see
    How can life be what you want it to be
    You're frozen
    When your heart's not open

    You're so consumed with how much you get
    You waste your time with hate and regret
    You're broken
    When your heart's not open

    You guessed it - these are the opening lyrics of Madonna's song Frozen.  She claims that the song is about an "emotionally frozen man."  In Malta, we'd refer to such an emotionally closed man in short as "maghluq" , or "ingazzat" if we really want to hit the message home.  Having said that, isn't being emotionally cold part and parcel of being a man - no matter what country a man comes from?  I mean, guys, from a very young age are taught to conform to their society's cultural assumptions and norms concerning masculinity.  Through gender role socialization boys learn to incorporate 'manly', stereotypical traits into their personality. 

    Part of the process of becoming a man means that men have to suppress their emotions. Crying, being sensitive, showing their feelings and being emotional is NOT what boys are supposed to do.  At least, not in many Western cultures.  That's what sissies do.  And no boy wants to be called a sissy or effeminate.  So, over the years, boys, are pressured if not 'conditioned' to act and play tough (if not aggressive), be cool and level headed, act rationally rather than emotionally, compete, lead and dominate, and develop sexual prowess etc.  Now, some men take the 'masculine ideal' a little to far and become (or at least strive to become) 'machos.'  Some men also become womanizers - but that's for another post!

    I don't know about you, but, for me, emotionally cold men don't fit into the 'character traits' I seek in a partner.  I've been there with my ex so I know how frustrating it is to try to get an emotionally cold man to open his heart, communicate or react in some way to what you're feeling or saying.  It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  Ugggg.  And, while women don't want a wimp or wet blanket as a mate, I think most women want a man who can communicate easily with them.  Women do appreciate a man who isn't afraid to show his emotions, share his feelings and his vulnerable side.  Yes, we also like sensitive men.  They do exist, though not in a majority.   

    In Frozen, Madonna continues "Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart...we'd never be apart."  To that I say, what is really the point in trying to get through to a frozen man?  A frozen heart, no matter how it ended up in this condition... is just that - not open.  And more times than not, a woman who falls in love with an emotionally cold man will not only end up tearing her hair out but get her heart broken. 

    Have you ever thought you could melt a frozen man's heart?  Did you succeed?

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Comments (26)

  • LlothoftheDrow@xanga

    I tried...and we made little steps forward but....sometimes I think it's impossible. The only emotion he shows is rage.
  • wolvenchic@xanga

    You cant do that on your own, he has to make that choice. I dont think any girl should set out to get a guy to open up, thats something that should come naturally. If you pry, there tends to be consequences that follow.
  • InTheThin@xanga

    I think I just started dating one, but he's not that serious of a case since he does show happiness, anger, and sadness; he just rarely has those facial expressions. Yesterday I got him to make this content, purring sound when we were cuddling. 
  • Athlyx@xanga

    Yes and yes. He wasn't really frozen to begin with, just had a really hard time trusting someone enough to confide in. =]
  • veryfairy1@xanga

    I tried that and didn't work.  I gave up. Constipated cold fish

    I gave so much emotion already and his respond was -___-
  • Starring_Hobo89@xanga

    Men will do anything for the women they love. Well, they'll try anyway.
  • mcmeister89@mancouch

    Most men aren't frozen, just less open. It takes a bit to gets us to open up, but we usually do.

    And hold up, what's so bad about being tough, cool/level-headed, rational, competitive, and having a will to succeed? I thought that's what most women get turned on by, you know, a motivated/capable man...
  • goblinsinthemirror@xanga

    You could try to "coax" it out of him. Be nice, friendly, don't act confrontational, let him know he won't be "punished" for speaking his mind.

    In my opinion, emotionally cold men are usually selfish and don't care about people's feelings.
  • Unfettered_Mind@xanga

    In Chinese culture, there is this saying: 「男子漢大丈夫不訏哭。」 A literal translation would be something like this: "Male descendant of the Han big husband is not allowed to cry." It's not just western cultures where being emotionally vulnerable is shunned.

    I think what it takes for me, more than anything else, is trust.  In a way, expression of emotion is like being naked.  It's trust that allows me to be intimate with somebody, allow them to know me, see me in my state of emotional undress.

    My two cents.
  • hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga
    Thank you!
  • JennyGee@xanga

    thought i could- didn't work.  i said the exact same thing you did- it was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  i think often men end up like this for a reason, though, and the reason is because they have been hurt before, so maybe- maybe?- with the right person, their heart can be melted.  dunno.  i just knew that person wasn't me!
  • hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga

    @JennyGee@xanga - Yeah, unfortunately many men who got very badly hurt take it out on the next woman (if not many women) they subsequently date or enter into a relationship with.  Sad really.
  • brokenheartedboi@xanga

    @JennyGee@xanga - @hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga - It's not just men that become closed off and less trusting after being hurt.  Women can be that way too.  My girlfriend, now fiance, talked less about her emotions than I did.  It took a lot of time, understanding and several breaks before we both really opened up to each other.
  • laytexduckie@xanga

    I tend to stray away from what society wants me to be. Being a Cancer, I fit the spectrum perfectly: I act on my emotions and can be pretty emotional. And as far as being called a sissy, I don't mind. I just respond with a big F-U and a finger.

  • Gerald_Washington@xanga

    "And no boy wants to be called a sissy or effeminate."
    You know what we call boys that are?
    Emo.
  • Coffee_Kaioken@xanga

    @mcmeister89@mancouch - You speak a reality here, as sad as it may be. It's often the challenge of trying to get a man to open his emotions that will draw her in, and not the open emotions itself. 


    There are women that defy the norm, thus negating the problem, but the problem beforehand is that men who are open with their emotions are seen as "the nice guy/brother/just-a-friend", etc., you know?
  • JusticeCho@xanga

    I used to be closed off.  More open now, but society definitely makes it so that men feel ashamed if they open up and share their emotions.  Like some others said though, you'll never be able to open a guy on your own he has to understand and want to at the same time.  Or else you're just going to push him away and he'll just get closed up tighter.
  • tsukiouji@xanga

    I tried to make my ex-best friend be the kind loving man he just was, but I failed horribly, miserably. I still miss him and I still have the hope of melting his heart, but I know I'm being foolish so I just stay away from him.
  • AnemicRoyalty64@xanga

    I was the emotionally frozen one. --_--
    I'm learning now.
  • LaChienne88@xanga

    I think emotionally frozen is a little too much to describe most men. There are some men ( and women ) that are emotionally frozen and I think it goes beyond societal expectations. It is a good thing in my opinion to be as rational as you can be, but still balance with it with feelings. Without feelings, I have realized especially if you're a woman, it's going to be very hard to get a guy. I think most men ( and from what I've read from them ) they tend to be more closed. Most men also are more sensitive around their wives and girlfriends.

    We also never talk about emotionally frozen women a.k.a. "Ice Queens." Yes, they do exist. I sometimes fear I'm one of them. I hardly ever cry and when I do, it's in private. I don't even like crying in front of my mom. I don't always know how to deal with my emotions constructively and trust is a big issue to me. In a weird way, I can relate to those men... even though we are of opposite genders and society will see something wrong with me.

    But I find for me being a woman it's SO hard for be to be in a relationship and open up to a guy. There is a specific guy that I like, but I don't know how. Talking about it to him would be so scary. He's not an emotionally frozen man at all... Quite the opposite, really.

  • LaChienne88@xanga

    @LlothoftheDrow@xanga - Yeah, that is what happens to anyone who does not know how to deal with negative emotions constructively. I used to have a lot of rage myself and I'm a woman. I wasn't even raised to "not cry." It kind of just happened but then again, I like control and being disciplined. I guess I'm weird, then. 
  • mewithoutu77@xanga

    i'm trying that right now and it's frustrating me.  
  • sumtymesiwonder@xanga

    at first i thought i did that with my boyfriend but i realized that while he lives up to society's standards of an ideal man, he also knows how to turn that off and show me emotions, even if it's only in private with just the two of us.

    he's not as open as me, and sometimes he's not as open as i'd like, but he maintains a pretty good balance of being the "man" and being able to relate with me emotionally. i'd rather have him than a guy who can't seem to turn his emotions off. i don't want a guy who cries all the time. i honestly don't know what to do when people cry around me, especially guys. and i hate crying, let alone doing it in front of other people. even my bf.

    i look for a guy who fits societies standards at least on the surface or in public. i don't want my guy to seem like a sissy. and i'd rather have that emotional stuff be something special and intimate between us.
  • FairyTalesAndWhiskey@xanga

    My dad is an emotionless hulk of a dude who has the sensitivity of a brick wall. When we first brought home our puppy, he grunted and said something like, "now we'll have to feed that stupid thing and clean up after it pisses everywhere". But I catch him now and then (when he thinks no one's looking, of course) playing with her and saying "good dog".


    So my answer is puppies. You're a sick bastard if your heart isn't melted by a puppy.

  • ScorpioInBlack@xanga

    Hmm...I'm usually the one with the frozen heart...

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