Monday, 23 November 2009
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Sex and Cheating: A Reply
So I just read (and replied) to this post.
The comments on it were mostly along the lines of "guys have their needs, so if you stop having sex, he'll cheat and it will be your fault"
Seriously people? A majority of the comments were from women, but the men seemed to agree with this statement.
What kind of a despicable creature would do that to a woman? If a man truly loves a women (and by love, I mean respects, trusts, and cares for her) he should honor her request. Sure guys have needs - that's what porn, fleshlights, and masturbation are for.
If I were in a sexual relationship and for a plausible reason (pregnancy scares, not wanting to infect a partner with an STD, whatever) my partner wanted to stop having sex, I would do so, no questions asked. Sure, I love sex. Sure, I want it 24/7. Sure, it would be probably be the hardest thing to give up, but I would do it. And I would never, ever consider cheating to satisfy my sexual desires. True, I'm not a guy, but I'm a human with a nearly insatiable sex drive, and that's what people seem to be basing their opinions on: sexual needs.
So tell me if I'm alone in this. If your partner whom you sincerely love, for whatever reason, wanted to stop having sex with you, would you cheat on them? If not, what would your reaction be?
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About the Author
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- From: astrellia
- Name: Rachel
- About Me: i'm a 20 year old college student in the midwest. i plan on moving to chicago when I graduate and getting my msw. in the meantime, i'm in love with my bed, my friends, cheez-its, and my boyfriend, but not in exactly that order :)
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Comments (102)
I would ask first and the reason damn well better be a good one!
If for whatever reason my sexual needs overcame my desire to be in a relationship with them I would be honest and tell them that. "I can respect your decision to not have sex right now, but sex is an important part of my life, so I don't know if this is the kind of relationship I should be in right now."
The girl I love wants to be abstinent for a LONG time, maybe till marriage, maybe not. Nothing beyond kissing. And I love her, I don't give a shit about the physical, beyond cuddling or holding and kissing. Its spiritual with her, and deeply emotional. However, I can only say I am fine with it for my particular situation, which is still coming together. I would never cheat; but would look for (usually) a girl who is more free with her body, as I am. But again, when the connection is DEEP, I need only that.
You're lying to yourself if you remove the physical aspect out of relationship because you say you don't need it, plain and simple. Love isn't sex, sex isn't love, but sex is apart of love. Relationships are not purely emotional, nor are the purely physical. They're equilibriums. The fact of the matter is, once you remove a physical aspect of a relationship after it had already been there, it changes the chemistry between the two people. It needs both parts to survive, just like you need to eat food and drink water. You can't survive on just one of those two.
I wouldn't cheat on someone under those circumstances, but I'd definitely reevaluate the relationship and whether or not the other person was actually ready and/or able to be able to be in a relationship.
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - Well said, I completely agree.
Hmm I like that you turned it around. Of course everyone says to that post that the guy is definitely going to go out and cheat, etc. At first when I read the post, I considered that, too. But I like that you wrote this, because now that I think about it in this sense, if my fiance requested that, you're right. No, I would definitely not leave him because I love him. I just would be worried about when we'd do it again. I mean, we're engaged, how long are we gonna wait? But, anyways, good post.
@suggestivetongue@xanga - I like this, agreed.
Don't let the bad apples get to you. There are guys out there who aren't in the relationship for the sex. There are guys who really appreciate the girl for who they are and being with him. Sex is just a bonus. I wouldn't cheat on a girl or not be with her just because she won't have sex. That just shows how big of a bigot you are.
Sex isn't everything in a relationship. If he really loves you, you guys will find other options. I actually think its a really responsible thing to do. And the desire for sex should never overshadow the desire to just be happy with the other person and to love them, so "the need for sex, and sex being an important part of your life" is definitely not a reasonable reason to end a relationship, in my opinion. Sure, "sex is a part of love", but it shouldn't be the major part of love, or else your relationship is nothing more than mindlessly screwing each other. Love is made up of more than sex, and big parts of that are respect and the desire to make the other person happy. And if he truly loves you, you should be able to take sex out of the relationship and not have to worry about it. @laytexduckie@xanga - Excellent, excellent. :)
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - i think i agree with this.
i NEVER believe its your fault if your partner cheats on you, ever. that is a dirty, despicable thing to do, and there is no reason he couldnt just call it quits for the honest reasons.
PERSONALLY, i love my boyfriend. and i dont feel that the sex is necessary for us to thrive. but if he suddenly stopped - i WOULD want to know the true reason. only because it might make me question "has he stopped being attracted to me?" if it were a truly valid reason, and he continued to show other signs of his love, i would support him, and continue to love him. if it just dropped off with no explanation ... well we would have a problem there.
that being said, i hope i never experience what that young girl did - an unmarried pregnancy and miscarriage. i really think that would mess ANYONE up pretty badly.
also for people who have been abstinent throughout their whole relationships; i dont think that is the same thing as having had sex regularly and then suddenly stopping.
I respect it, don't get me wrong!
but i don't think its really relative ...
It's not what we don't agree but you're coming from the mindset of a woman. Men don't think like us at all so it's very unfair for you to say that they should be this way as much as we all wish they were! Asking for him to wait on sex is a very big thing you are asking of your man if you were having it with him before. Plus we must also look at the REASON why this individual girl was wanting to go abstinant. Not really well thought out!
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - yeah I definitely agree
I would respect it but I also want to know why and it better be a damn good reason.
Just as long as we can still get intimate in other ways then I'll be fine. They don't call it masturbation for no reason.
I don't think it was the intent of many of the commenters to say that because she decided to be abstinent he was going to cheat. More people were saying it was simply selfish of her to ask that from a boyfriend she was PLANNING ON HAVING A BABY WITH. I don't think it's an accurate statement either to say that just because he's not going to get laid anymore he'll leave- but I wouldn't blame him. Sex is an important part of a loving relationship, and to simply cut that out and think there will be no repercussions is very naive.
i didn't respond to that post because i didn't know how to word the fact that i felt that if anyone would agree to that, they're pathetic, and that if he cheats, that just shows what the relationship is based on, without being too cruel like that.
but i must applaud you for your bluntness. "Sure guys have needs - that's what porn, fleshlights, and masturbation are for." LOLOL.
Guys have needs? Women have needs too. Don't pin this solely on us.
I wouldn't cheat.
I'm kind of in that situation right now. I have a sex drive that can't be satisfied, but he has his religion and I respect that. Am I cheating? No. Because I do care about him a lot. And when he's ready, he will be ready.
I don't think people commented about guys having needs. People were concerned because this girl reached a certain level in her relationship where she moved in with him, was ready to have a child with him, and then wanted to remove seemingly all physical intimacy.
At that point in a relationship it's like @An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga said, the dynamics change once things in the relationship are removed. I don't think questioning the relationship if that happens is bad or indicates you don't have genuine feelings for someone.
funny... actually... that was kind of cute. if my girlfriend all of a
sudden stopped wanting to have sex with me then i would feel upset. i
would actually feel that i would be the one being cheated on. however
if i knew what was going on and i was given a reason, like miscarriage,
then i would understand. what kind of boyfriend would i be if i were to
stray away. even if i cheated with no emotional attraction to whom i
cheated with, i would still feel fucking bad because i have matured
enough to understand my actions effect other people as well.
This is why I'm happy I don't have a typical man for a boyfriend. He isn't run by sexual thoughts and desires. He'll make it obvious when he wants to have sex, but if I don't want it he's fine. If I told him I didn't want to have sex he would say "okay". He barely looks at other girls. He doesn't say anything about other girls unless I do first.
I think that a partner should respect your wishes. If you don't want to have sex, then they should respect that. Get used to masturbation and making out. Seriously, intimacy is one thing but you don't have to have sex to keep a relationship alive.
The reason that the girl gave in the original post is a good fucking reason to not want to have sex. Anyone who disagrees would seem to have no heart. That would be really traumatic.
I think while it is a poor reason to cheat on your partner just because she won't put out, I do believe stopping sex altogether would put a strain on the relationship. Sex isn't just about feeling good, it's about physical intimacy that is very difficult to acheive any other way. Making love doesn't necessarily have to be through intercourse, it can be through other forms (i.e., oral sex) but the act of intimacy is what really matters in bonding. Kissing and cuddling might be enough for some couples, too.
Of course I speak as a man who is significantly older than 18 years old, so my perspective differs greatly. There is a level of practicality when you get older and love isn't the only thing you rely on to keep a relationship going strong. You have to contend with financial issues, how often you can see each other (especially if you both have hectic lives and live far away), and how to keep the spark going after the honeymoon phase wears off.
@Shy___Away@xanga - I concur
Having needs isn't always about needing to ejaculate.
If you're desiring affection, none of the said methods will be able to assist you.
xanga needs a "like" button.