Monday, 23 November 2009
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Sex and Friendship, Mutually Exclusive? I Hope Not
Recently, I've found myself in the position of wanting to sleep with a friend (let's call him D) who is a member of my social circle. He's a pretty good friend who hangs out in our very tight-knit group of about 5 or 6 people. Just a hook-up, no strings attached.
However, there are complications.
My roommate (I'll call her M), who is also my best friend, had a fling with this D last year before I really knew him. They weren't dating, just a few hookups. They're no longer on good terms because things somehow went bad between them. I've tried my best to get to the bottom of it, but as far as I can tell, they both have valid reasons for why they don't get along.
M says: As soon as they had sex, he stopped talking to her and got all weird.
D says: She LIKED him, and he didn't want a relationship. She complains about her family too much.
All of that is true. I know both these people pretty well. I think they just have personality conflicts. Some people just don't get along. He should have handled ending things with her better; she needs to figure out that people get tired of hearing about her family problems.
But now M is freaking out because I'm thinking about doing this. She's warned me that if I do it, I won't be able to be his friend anymore. Our relationship will change. M has even told me not to even kiss him, because that will change things.
Well, too late. I've done that several times. Nothing has changed. This makes me think that maybe it was just that they didn't get along. But I'm worried that M may be right, because we have another mutual friend who slept with D, and they're now not as close as they were. They don't really talk anymore.
So I'm worried, cause I really want to stay D's friend, but we have ridiculous chemistry and sexual tension. We're not at all interested in dating each other, but sparks just fly around us. The sex would just be downright FUN.
Who do you think is right here? I can see both sides, but it's hard to say. Does sex really have to complicate things? Do you think you can sleep with someone and be friends afterward?
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- From: punkybeki@xanga
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Comments (64)
no. sounds like you just want a reason and an A-OK to sleep with the guy. by all means if its just sex, go ahead.
Ew. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who has been with all of my friends.
it depends on how much you like him. it doesn't sound like D is very into relationships. he sounds like a hit it and then quit it kind of a guy. if you just want a hookup, then go for it, but if you want more, chances are he won't.
i'd listen to your friends. if you have sex once, you'll probably going to want to do it again. and i dont know anyone that the whole friends with benefits thing has worked out well for, including me. someone is usually bound to get hurt. and i agree that whether or not you want and/or expect it things change a lot after you sleep with someone, maybe it would be for the better but it could also be for the worst (and in this situation i would put my money on the worst.)
@makerm7@xanga - i agree. it is kinda weird to hook up with someone after all your friends... heh
Personally, I don't think you can go backwards. Sex does change things. You need to weigh the pros and cons of each option and consider which one you value more. Is it the friendship or the hook up.
Go for it.
y do you want to have sex with someone who has sexed a couple of your friends? Ew.Â
If you're able to separate sex and emotions...and instead see sex as a pleasurable activity to share...then you'll be fine. If you start to get a deeper emotional connection...you're done for.
Just because your friends couldn't do it doesn't mean you can't...but you have to be honest with yourself and rationalize if you are truly strong enough to keep it going over a long period of time.
@Purrty_Pink@xanga - lol This is such a juvenile response. You might as well have just said "eeewwww coooties"
If your friends are already swaying you NOT to do this and yet you still want to, what's the point of posting it on datingish? Will our opinions sway you more than your own friends?
Can't go backwards, sex definitely complicates things.
Sounds like youre trying to convince yourself that things wont change.
wellll no matter what, in your situation, basically you have to admit that one day the whole sleeping together thing would come to an end right?
you think you can deal with that gracefully? i just dont see how that could be a graceful situation.
yes, to the last question.
Why do people think that hookups are ok?
Sex should be something special, and it should not be with just any friend when you're horney.
Listen to your friends. They obviously know how he is. He'll just do the same thing to you.
As a person who has been the "Long Term Relationship" guy and the Manwhore, I see M's, D's, and your side of this. You both seem like you just want a little one time fling that could be awesome. I've had these, they're nice and I'm still friends with a girl who I have had a fling with. Next up, your friend sounds a little bitter so her take could be a poisoned well. I think it would unnerve her to see you be happy doing stuff with him because she got jaded by him.
SO, I guess if you think that you can separate sex from emotions and that nonsense, then yeah, go have a blast and BE SAFE. But, if you tend to get hooked on guys and a bit clingy or linger on them, then maybe this is a bad idea.
@Purrty_Pink@xanga - Would it matter if it was three of your friends or three strangers? It's still three people... no different.
@wished_upon_a_star@xanga - Unless you're each others first, someone is getting sloppy seconds. After you're a virgin, you're always a sloppy second, or third, or fourth etc. Sex is special, or rather, it CAN be special. I've had close, intimate, meaningful sex which was great and romantic and I loved it. I've also had one night wall-banging sex romps that I hope I'll never forget about because they were a great, safe, and mind-blowing time. If you have chemistry with someone then hey, as long as you're responsible about sex, what's to stop ya?
The simple answer is no. Your brain does some crazy stuff during sex (being a girl, yours does a lot more than his). Sex chemically changes the way that your brain and your body identify with a person.
In addition to all of that there is a pretty simple logic problem. You have established boundaries with your friends. What you talk about, where you hang out, what you eat together, how you interact, both physically and verbally. You are trying to paint a picture for yourself where you can manipulate, change, or outright eliminate those boundaries and still have the same relationship. Not gonna happen.
Does that mean you shouldn't do it? No. By all means, if you want to get your rocks off, you're attracted to the guy, and you think the sex would be good, then do it. But go into it with the expectation that things will be different. Perhaps not radically, but the possibility is obviously there that the relationship would end with sex.
@wished_upon_a_star@xanga - unless she is the kind of person who is a virgin waiting for a virgin, she is getting someone's sloppy seconds. Obviously she is not that, so the point is a bit strained. If you are having sex with someone who isn't a virgin, chances are that you're within 3 degrees of separation from the person or persons that they have had sex with... at least in most major cities. Fact of life.
$0.02
@mcmeister89@mancouch - @jeffgodofbiskuts@xanga- "sloppy seconds" are a little different when you're supposed to be good friends with the other girl vs not knowing who the other girls were.and arent you supposed to put chicks before dicks or bros before hoes and all that good stuff? so if your friend was with this guy, got hurt, and warned you not to get with him, maybe, just maybe you should respect your friend and listen to them... unless hooking up for one night of sex with this guy is more important than your entire relationship with your friend.
@NadoAngel@xanga - Perhaps I just don't make that distinction. I see a penis as a penis and a vagina as a vagina. Doesn't really matter who that penis belonged to as long as it was disease free and didn't plant anything inside that is alive today. Anyways, veering from that thought, she is friends with BOTH of them and the post leads me to believe that this M is a little bitter than she got attached and he didn't. Perhaps this wouldn't be such a big point except the fact that, as the poster said, they've all been friends and knew each other, so M probably knew how D was. She got attached when she knew she shouldn't have. It's not the posters fault that M can't keep her emotions in check.
Now before you go hitting that reply button and calling me a callous bastard, let me say this. I realize that friendships are rather fragile when it comes to certain things, but everyone is different. Plus, M's reason for freaking out is because she doesn't want to see her friend get hurt, not because of her broken heart... but what if the poster knows that she won't get attached? Then the friend has nothing to worry about and unless she confesses that her jaded feelings are the motive behind her warnings, then the poster should have no guilt about getting with D.
I think sex in a close friendship changes the dynamic. But I also think a fwb situation can be maintained as long as both people don't have expectations for anything more than that.
Listen to your friends.
if you do have sex with him and get an STD, at least you'll know all your friends have the same... what a bonding moment it will be.
If you're friends then tell him it's no strings attached and make sure it doesn't change things. How do you know that YOU won't be the one to stop talking to him?
If you're sure about it, just do it. I have one friend that it's a mutually exclusive hook up. It's not a big deal. We still act like friends and it's not complicated. It can be great if you do it right, so just stop overthinking it.
@lovezpassion@xanga - LMAO. I just had to laugh at this one. Thanks.
Personally, I wouldn't do it. Sex changes things even if its just sex. But if you really want to do it, go for it. No one can stop you but yourself. I just can't "have a fling" with a guy who already been with two of my friends. I'm sure he's a happy camper going around in the "circle of friends."
sex doesn't have to complicate things, but it usually does.
it sounds like you are wondering what is so hot about D that all these girls want to sleep with him, so you are more drawn to him because of this and the suspense and tension builds up
I wouldn't sleep with a friend in my circle. if he was an acquaintance, it is less risky.