Her name. I'm so sick and tired of hearing it. It comes up in every conversation we've had the past couple of days. Ever since she and him spent some time alone together, she's all he talks about.
We just met her recently, at the College. She and he have a lot in common, and spending time with her is fun. She's turned us both on to new music and has been great to spend time with and get to know. After their time alone together, he found out she lives right down the street from him, and now he's randomly popping up at her house so they can hang out. He even wanted to spend
our time together with her. He's even inviting her to things I planned for the two of us. Now, for the third day in a row, he's spending his day with her. Getting all his homework and studying out of the way so he can see her. I'm starting to feel like he wants to spend all of his time with her.
I know its stupid to get jealous over this, especially since I do trust my boyfriend completely. She's a sweet girl, too. I just can't understand how he sees her. As just a great new friend, or... as something more? Past relationships where I've been cheated on (with events similar to these leading up to it) have made me jealous and paranoid, and now I'm worried that the best relationship I've had is going to end.
Have you ever been in a predicament like this? How did you handle it?
Comments (42)
rule number one: TALK TO HIM ABIUT HOW YOU FEEL
all other rules are up to you :D
Calmly talk to him about it.
i wouldnt be able to handle your situation, so props to you (maybe.) i might not say a whole lot about him just hanging out with her, but inviting her on your dates? i would defiantly have put my foot down a while ago.
agreed with the first two though. talk to him about it. and be completely honest, but calm and neutral.
Ahhhh yes been in that situation plenty of time except its the girl that always comes over his house. We can never enjoy anything alone together and I got sick of hearing her name. You have to be honest and not hold it back cuz I know I tend to explode when I had enough. I decided to drop the girl out of my life if she's not good for me and he knows that. I just cant be fake to people hangin out with them pretending i like them and disliking them when they have their back on me. I just avoid it completely.
Bring it up to him. Tell him your situation with past relationships and that the same things have happened. It's either going to go two ways: the good route is that he understands and that they start to limit their time together and hell spend more time with you. Or the bad route is that he will call you out being jealous and throw a fit. Either way, what you need to do is let him know. If he is a great boyfriend, he will understand, the friend will understand and he will respect your wishes. Just don't tell him to not see her anymore because a red flag is making someone choose sides.
talk to him right away. i would be superrr paranoid in this situation and probably would have flipped out on him by now, soo you are already doing a better job than i feel most girls would.
honestly, i DO think there is reason to be concerned. after all, he is YOUR boyfriend, and he has been inviting her to hang out all the time and going over to her house ALONE. he is making seperate time to go see HER, not you, pushing you to the side. he is still a guy. he is probably interested in her..it actually sounds like he is already kinda pursuing her. why else would he be going to her house all the time and getting his homework done early to make time to go see her??
don't be blind. seriously. these ARE red flags.
you gotta talk about it. i've been put in situations liek that. just let him know you trust him, but it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Honestly, anyone who puts their boyfriend or girlfriend into this situation is being inconsiderate. There is a such thing as paranoia....but then there's things that legitimately look fishy as well.
I've been in this situation before, and all I got accused of by my other at the time was being paranoid, but I'm sorry, when it gets to a point when they're spending most of their time with that other person instead of you, it really looks like something's up. I don't even know what really ended up happening or what was going on, because I opted to walk away from the situation and the relationship as there were other issues occurring as well.
Trust isn't supposed to be blind, it has to have a reason to exist and reasons to continue to exist. Maybe you shouldn't jump the gun and assume he's cheating on you, but he should definitely be aware that it looks really bad, and it hurts you. Besides, being uncomfortable about something isn't the same as distrust. I hate it when people try to make it out to be that way.
The first thought that came into mind, "What in the world is he thinking?"
Seriously. If I had a significant other, I would want to spend my time with him. I would want to surprise and pop up at his doorstep. I would hurry up and finish my homework so I can be with him.
Communicate with him. Express your feelings and let it be known to him. He's inconsiderate. Very. What kind of boyfriend does that to his girlfriend when and if he should strictly feel platonic toward this other female friend of both of yours?
On the other hand, if the female friend was and is a good newly friend, knowing the fact that you two are an item, she should remind him that he has a girlfriend and he should be spending time with you and not her.
IMO, you should be worried. Boyfriends just don't act like this to someone they are not interested in more than friendship even if they have a girlfriend back at home waiting for them. He probably wants something more but keeping you by the side as a back up incase things don't turn out the way he wants them to. Be careful.
Ugh, it sucks when the relationship takes a turn and ends up in jealousy and insecure land. I just went through something similar and we're still dealing with it. I think in the end he has to understand that even though your suspicions and unsure feelings has no merit (in his head) and seem utterly ridiculous, he HAS to respect it. Especially since he was the one that was responsible for bringing out those feelings in you and not remedying them. It's still early enough to fix this issue, but if he continues to ignore your pleas and requests then I guarantee you'll be experiencing some problems. This other girl may be sweet, but she also has to understand that she's crossing boundaries too. If she continues to hang out with your boyfriend without you and has full knowledge that it makes you uncomfortable or she doesn't make an effort to include you then this will become a BIG problem. Make it clear to him and see where it takes you. If he still doesn't listen, then you have to call him out on it. If this leads to the end, then it's good thing. Trust is a tricky thing to put together again when it falls apart.
I'd talk to him, quick.
waitt... HOLD UP. Ok I was completely ok with the fact that he found a new friend to hang out with...until I read...
"especially since I do trust my boyfriend completely" hes YOUR boyfriend.....I thought you were talking abt a close guy friendd...
...this shit needs to stop. You need to sit him down and talk to him straight up. no bull. let him know how it is bothering you and that you do trust him but that you dont like how your time with him is being reduced b/c of his new friend and how he keeps inviting her to special dates that you made just for the two of you. Dont sound upset, crazy or controlling. Just let him know that you love how hes found a friend who he can have a good time with and likes to spend time with but to remind him that YOU are his GF and that he needs to put his priorities back in order...
I think hes falling in-like with this girl...to be completely honest. I would be kinda concerned if I were you...I am the jealous type though.
I don't see this ending well. You need to force him to make a choice between you and the other girl. I don't see how a straight guy spends more time with any girl other than his girlfriend, not including work/long distance.
Being the good looking guy I am, *ahem*, I never have problems like this.
However, if something like this came up, I would talk to him like everyone said. Quite often suspicions are quite good indications of reality. (aka Trust your intuition.)
Just make sure you don't accuse him of anything. The hardest thing will probably be bringing the topic up gently. :/ GL
Talk to him.
Fuck that. He shouldn't be THAT enthusiastic about a new friend.
Um, I'd be concerned. This is a good time to talk about it. Try your best not to accuse him or sound like you dislike the other girl. Keeping it in the context of "Here's what happened to me before, and since this really reminds me of it, my feelings are automatically making me concerned right now."
Unless she's butt ugly..you better get a handle on this situation ASAP. If he's choosing to spend more time with her than with you..it's because you're less interesting....at the moment.
Also...if you've had this happen to you multiple times in the past...do some soul searching and make sure you're not doing something to allow this to happen. Are you being a pushover? Are you becoming to complacent in the relationship? Are you self destructing this relationship because you subconsciously fear it?
Stop being a spectator and start being a participator. Get your ass in gear and get to work or you'll lose this relationship for sure.
if they were friends BEFORE you were in the picture, i could understand his behavior. i really don't think it's acceptable that he's hanging out at another girl's house, just the two of them. the polite thing to do is invite you along...obviously he knows how to do this since he keeps inviting this other girl.
as everyone said, talk to him. don't accuse him or anything, just say that this whole situation makes you uncomfortable, and suggest ways to make both of you happy. if you don't have a problem hanging out with her, too, then there's no reason why the 3 of you (or even invite more friends along) can't hang out. tell him that you planned things to do, just you and him, and you would prefer that those things stay as couple events. maybe some of your plans could turn into group things instead, but there's no reason you should have to give up all of your one-on-one time.
okay. im not the jealous type, but honestly, your guy is ditching you for this new girl. i think you should be a little more concerned, and if hes not going to do anything about it, HE'S going to lose the best relationship of his life with you. there is absolutely NO excuse for a guy to ditch his girl for a "friend", or bring a girl "friend" along to your dates. there is a rule in dating, if its an exclusive relationship, your SO shouldn't be spending time ALONE with girls, one on one. that's a major no-no and if its making YOU feel bad, he should stop if you're his one and only. i had something similar to this, and i just told my SO if you continue to do this shyt, this is over. and it stopped completely (or so i hope :P). ignorance is bliss. i don't want to go crazy psycho bitch and snoop through his stuff cause im not like that but i honestly think your boyfriend is falling for this new girl.
@Roxxane@xanga - agree. i'd never cross boundaries like that, so i can't understand why some girls have no shame in doing that. i went through something similar where a girl asked my SO to "study" in her room, closed doors. WTF?! that is wrong on so many levels already. and yes, when we feel insecure, bfs, lovers, SOs should respect that and do something about it. well written :)
it's not stupid that you're jealous! i'd be way jealous too. as everyone else is saying, you should definitely talk to him about it.
That's fucking shady. I hate it when people do that crap. Talk to him. If you can't work it out, move on.
@dearFLOPPY@xanga - Thanks! Yeah, if the "other" girl wasn't shady then "Allyouwanted15" would be included whenever they hang out. OR the "other" girl would make an avid effort to keep her distance and not disrupt the balance between the couple she is be-friending. Because that's pretty much what you're doing when you become friends with someone who is in a relationship. It's possible that her boyfriend is being daft about the situation and doesn't fully comprehend the boundaries issue. But since he talks about the "other" girl and spends most of his free time with her, then playing dumb can only last for so long. Don't waste your time if your boyfriend continues to disrespect the boundaries in your relationship. If he doesn't set a proper distance between the "other" girl and himself, she will never comply. Why would she, if getting your boyfriend is what she really wants? If he makes it clear that he REALLY is unavailable then naturally she would stop. And if she doesn't then you know you're dealing with a snake.
Thanks for all the feedback, you guys. I really do appreciate it... and I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. But I definitely am going to talk to him... and soon.