Sunday, 22 November 2009
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I Want to be Abstinent (But My Mom Thinks He'll Cheat)
I am 18 years old, and I've been living with my boyfriend for 7 months now. We started dating when I was 17, even though he's a few years older. (My parents never disapproved. He's been my brothers best friend for a long time.) We started dating soon after he ended a 2 and a half year relationship. Though that caused me to be skeptical of starting a relationship with him, I just couldn't resist. I had a crush on him since I could remember and as I got older those feelings matured. I gave him a chance to earn his trust, and it's something we've been working on (and has been difficult because I am so young, and honestly, pretty immature when it comes to relationships).
Anyway, about two months ago, we discovered that I was pregnant. And by no surprise, we were ecstatic. We really do love each other, and though I'm young, having something extra special together was just exciting. As happy as I was, I couldn't get the fact that he had almost had a baby with his last girlfriend. She miscarried (or so she says). bAnd then, a few weeks after our discovery, I, too, had miscarried. It was traumatic, to say the least. We both went through a lot of grieving, and I made a conscience decision; I wanted to be abstinent.
Now, I thought it through many times. I didn't want to just stop something that was a part of our relationship without good reason. But I had my good reasons.
For one, I'm so young. I lost my virginity at 16, but our first time together was far more special to me than the one time thing with some asshole. Even though it was special, I felt like we rushed into it. I felt like we rushed into a lot of things.Another reason also has to do with my age. He's far more experienced than I am, and as immature as I feel, I just am not comfortable knowing his history. I knew his last girlfriend and the one before that. And it is just weird for me.
And the final reason, which is mostly the main one, is the loss of our baby. I don't think I could handle going through that again, not any time soon. And even if we're careful, there is always a chance. And again, I am too young and immature. I don't think my sanity could take anything that traumatic again.
So, when I decided to be abstinent until I was ready, I told my boyfriend. And though he was a bit sad hearing my decision, he was supportive. And because he was supportive, I was willing to talk about it with my mom (our relationship is that close). I told her what I was doing and she laughed. She told me that it was selfish. Another line she used was "Put him in the doghouse and he'll start playing with a cat."
My first reaction was, "What the fuck?"
Then she explained, "Guys have needs. And if you take it away, he'll find it from someone else."
This whole time I was trying to keep my nerve. But I lost it and ended the phone conversation immediately.
I mean, what she said could be true, if it was a douchebag type of guy who didn't love me. And she was making seem like I was punishing him. I could see where someone could think that because of me being uncomfortable with his past, but I have other reasons. They all added up to my decision of being abstinent.
I just think that she is a bit old fashion, and believes that it is a duty as women to please their man whenever they want. Or something like that.What do you think? Do you think I'm being selfish? Is it wrong to be try and be abstinent with someone you've already been sleeping with?
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- From: meloveyoulongtime
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Comments (127)
You can't just take that whole level of intimacy off the table and not expect repercussions. You played grown-up for so long and just now you're realizing you're not ready? It's selfish of you to put yourself at one level in a relationship, a level where you're ready to have a child with someone and then all of a sudden decide you're not even ready to be intimate with them. I think you should just end it. You're clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship and thank God you've stopped having sex, there's no way you'd be ready to raise a child. You should have used your brain before you even jumped into this big girl relationship.
This is a really difficult situation that you're in. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage; that's awful! I have sympathy for you because I know how easy it is to rush into intimacy with your boyfriend, as this happened to me. **No matter what anyone says, you have the right to change your mind about how physical or non-physical you want to be with your boyfriend.***
Granted, you ARE living together, which gives the impression that you'll be sleeping together, so this whole plan is going to be harder to put into action. I'd suggest NOT LIVING TOGETHER if you are serious about wanting to remain abstinent. Because I don't live with my boyfriend and it's hard enough for us to stay abstinent and we don't even spend all of our time together. This is just putting fuel on the fire.
No, it's not selfish to want to stop. You have to take care of you first of all. However, I would suggest that if your boyfriend does not take the news well, that you end things. For your sake, I hope he is understanding. But really though, don't plan on living together and not having sex. It doesn't work that way.
-I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to be intimate with him any longer, and he did not take it well, but he DID accept it. He didn't threaten to leave me or anything, just because he wouldn't be physically satisfied anymore. If your relationship is more than sex, then he should stay. I must warn you though that you can't go into abstinence half-heartedly. If you aren't firm, he will try to take things further. Sex is a hard habit to break between two people, especially if it's been a part of your relationship for a long time, but it's not an impossible one. BOTH of you must be committed to this, and can't try to "tease" one another into going further. Stay strong, and I hope everything turns out well!
@frozencherries@xanga - <
xo
I don't know if its selfish. I mean you have good reasons but yet ur mother has a point. I don't think that taking all sexual things away would be good. Maybe just intercourse, or maybe you guys should take some extra Birth control methods. Maybe you could try it for a few months see where it goes. There is really no way u can mature faster you know, something you get with age...
Well honestly, I feel really bad for the guy if you two were already on that level and decided to stop, why not just use birth control? I dont think what your mom said is entirely true, but there are a lot of people out there like that. This might be very hurtful to him after you two have already reached that level, and like @frozencherries@xanga - said, if you are not ready for that committment and dont think you are mature, you might want to reevaluate the situation. Him having more experience than you is never going to change, thats something you will have to deal with eventually and scince you realize it now, now is the best time to deal with that issue. When you did have sex with him, that was a commitment on its own and you and him have invested a lot of emotion as you said behind it. Talk to him about birth control or alternatives to sex so that you two might still be able to have that intimacy - although sex is not everything, once you have had it in a relationship, its taking a lot from it.
Miscarriages can be traumatic, I won't deny that. However, there's a vast difference between having sex and getting pregnant (can I get a shout-out to birth control?). There's also a huge difference to saying no to sex to a boyfriend you don't really know, but COME ON. You LIVE together! Abstinence for religious reasons is one thing, but you're just not wanting to have sex because you're 'not ready'? The time for not being ready was before you moved in with him, before you both decided having a child was something you wanted to do, before you got pregnant.
Do I think it's selfish? Yes. Is it ultimately your decision? Yes. Do I think he'll cheat on you just because you won't give it to him? Not necessarily, but while there should always be a certain level of compromise in every other level of a relationship, sexual intimacy is no exception. Your mom is not old fashioned in thinking that it is a woman's responsibility to please her man- it is the responsibility of any partner to ensure that their loved one is sexually satisfied once they've decided to cross that thresh hold.
@frozencherries@xanga - I completely agree with this.
Changing major relationship dynamics never goes over well, and simply put, it's not fair to him.
Isn't it a bit late to vow abstinence?
I'd have to say it's a bit selfish, even though I'm female and understand where you're coming from completely. But look at it this way-your boyfriend is used to having a sexual relationship, and it's been proven that sex is a good way of bonding. There are a lot of pros to having it in your relationship. It is ultimately your choice, however, the more mature choice (other than all of a sudden deciding you're not ready after being sexually active for two years) would be to BE SAFE. Don't get lazy with the birth control and not expect to have any repurcussions.
A relationship is a mutual thing, and your mom's right--guys DO have their needs. Even so, whatever you choose to do, your boyfriend should be able to accept your decision and love you all the same.
If you don't want to get pregnant and potentially have another miscarriage, then just get on birth control. There's no reason to be completely abstinent when there are plenty of options for you. I think that what your mum said about men having needs was right (if not a bit sexist, YOU have needs as well), though I don't agree that absolutely every man will go cheat if he ain't gettin' any. You may find he's a hell of a lot easier to irritate and make grumpy, though, but again that applies to you as well.
What you really need to do is sit down and consider ALL your options with your boyfriend, don't just jump for the most extreme and hope it works out real swell and that he accepts it so smoothly.
Good luck, sweetums.
Listen to your mom on that one. Men's desire for sex is way different then ours. Although you might not realize it or admit to it, I think most of it has to do with the miscarriage. I was in that position before. And because I made the same decision you did, I ended up loosing the guy who mean the world to me-I was so sure he was "the one" too.
I know it's been said before but: Birth control. Seriously. Sure there's "always a chance" but I can almost guarantee you that if you go on the pill AND use condoms you will not get pregnant (or some other well-chosen combination of two BC methods.)
I cannot begin to know what you're going through after this miscarriage. But I think by choosing not to have sex in this situation you are trying to fix a symptom, not the problem--the problem being that you and this boy are in very different places in terms of what you are ready for. The fact that you are uncomfortable with the fact that he's had serious girlfriends before you is a pretty big red flag--people have lives. There's nothing wrong with it. If you're that insecure about it probably would be better to get out of this relationship.
Ultimately it is your choice whether or not you have sex, and no one should pressure you one way or another--your boyfriend OR your mother. But given the situation you described I think that there are bigger issues at play here.
Best of luck.
@frozencherries@xanga - i like this comment. i agree. its abit harsh, but i think what you've said is in all honesty, is very correct. and definitely when you all of a sudden decide to change in the relationship, you can't expect your partner to not do the same - it just doesn't work that way.
I think it's a little late to start now, but I understand how extremely traumatic miscarriages can be. He should understand that after something as horrible as that you may shy away from intimacy for quite a long time. If he can, more power to him, but if he can't accept that you need to leave.
According to Steve Harvey, no matter how much a guy loves his girlfriend, he'd most likely cheat if he's not getting any. As much as I hate to believe it, I find it to be true.
Guys can have sex without attachment. To them, it's just sex & love has nothing to do with it.
I'm not saying your boyfriend will, but it is possible.
I am sorry to hear about your loss.
I have never miscarried, so I can only imagine the devastation.
I wish you the best. Good luck with everything <3
No no no. It is NOT selfish. NOt at all. Yes, it is your body and your choice. If you cannot handle this right now, it is for YOU to say so. If he cannot handle your decision and respect your decision, is he really worth it? HE must mean a lot to you, being together for so many years. Couples go through hard times, if he cannot handle this then why was he with you for those years? A relationship should not solely be based on sex. Just keep the communication lines open and tell him how you feel and make a definition on abstinence (i.e. would/ would not allow oral sex, mutual masturbation, making out, or somewhere in between.) Think of it as to find the true essence of each other and maybe experiment with forms of intimacy without penetration.
@frozencherries@xanga - i totally agree with her here.
with relationships, there is no reverse button. i'm not trying to say that sex is the most important part of the relationship, but i think most of us can agree it plays a big part when its already been done. and you can't just jump from there to being abstinent like it's the easiest thing in the world. you've already done it, so now it's engraved onto your relationship. and i know you're scared and traumitized from the experience; i'm terribly sorry for your loss, and it must be hard to get through, but it doesn't mean you can just back down from sex altogether and expect everything to go as planned. there are other people's feelings involved, like your boyfriend's. and like most people said already, i think more mature options can be made. i'm not trying to take your mother's side here, but to reverse the dynamics in the relationship when you've made it clear that you guys are really serious might really mess up your relationship with him. it's like getting into a relationship with a close friend, and realizing it doesn't work out, and whether or not the relationship ends on a good or bad note, things will never be the same. there is no reverse button, and you can't go back.
i've been your boyfriend's side, except my own boyfriend told me he wants to change the dynamics of our sex relationship cos he wanted to focus on our friendship part. and it feels a little weird to say considering i'm the girl and it's not "traditional" for the guy to say that to me. but instead of me feeling like oh i'm not getting my pleasure, i'm gonna find it from someone else, it just makes me feel more like he loves me less or something. i mean, at least he's not asking us to cut back altogether, but what i'm trying to say is that trying to reverse like that isn't easy. if you're really trying to change things, take baby steps, but don't jump into big decisons like that without compromise.
i hope all goes well though :) just make sure that with whatever decision you guys make, your boyfriend is there to support you, and that you both come out of this satisfied.
@frozencherries@xanga - Agreed.
If you hadn't had sex with him it's fine, but since you have, it'll hurt like hell for him. And he will do something and it will be because of you, so if he does stray, don't blame him. It was you.
after one too many late periods and pregnancy scares, my boyfriend suggested that we stop having sex. that's maturity right there, the same you deciding to be abstinent.
you, unlike so many women who become pregnant on acccident, get a do-over. i know that's not a favorable term to apply to your miscarriage (you have all of my sympathy and prayers) but it's an accurate one. by choosing to not have sex anymore, you are protecting yourself the the pain of another possible miscarriage, as well as the difficulty of raising a child at your age.
for all of the people saying that it will be your fault if he cheats, consider it this way: if someone's significant other became physically unable to be sexually intimate, is it their fault if their partner leaves them? no, idiots. it is not. and because this is a choice to not have sex, if he doesn't want to stay with you because of it, he is only in it for the sex, plain and simple. but because you said he was accepting of having a child with you and of living with you, that's probably not the case.
if he cheats, he's abusing your trust and utterly disregarding your concerns about another miscarriage or pregnancy. if you do decide to be abstinent and he cheats, dump the jerk-off asap. if he doesn't cheat (and if he loves you like you say, he won't ) rejoice in the fact that you have yourself a respectful, loyal man.
also if you decide to have sex again, use two or more forms of birth control. i personally use the pill AND condoms, and in accidental cases where he comes inside me, i always always use plan B. nothing sets your mind at ease like knowing you've done everything but abstain to keep from being pregnant :D
Fuck, thanks a lot guys. I'm in a long distance relationship and sometimes we go a really long time without seeing each other, which means no sex during those times. I guess this means he's cheating on me.. shit. I guess there is no hope for guys. They're all douche bags from what I got out of these comments.
@astrellia - agreeeee thank you! at least somebody has brains around here
Well I say if this guy is mature, and if this guy really and truly loves you, he will respect your wishes.
Besides, there are lots of other things to do besides the main event. ;)
If your relationship is based on sex he will cheat. If your relationship is about love and commitment he will wait. Men have no more need for sex than women. If you can wait then so can he. I'm sure this step back will be hard for both of you.
your whole timeline seems a bit off to me.
I mean, you have sex and get pregnant, and when you miscarry, you decide to abstain? I don't see it as a punishment, but I really doubt you'll keep your vow of celibacy.