Saturday, 21 November 2009
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Age Guidelines For Dating
I tend to pride myself on being a rational person. Of course, that means I do occasionally forget that sometimes the one thing I think I'll never have to deal with is the very experience I'm about to encounter and learn from. Here's a little background before I ask my question.
I have a friend who is a junior in high school and he's 16 years old. (He'll be 17 in May.) We'll call him Eric. I met him through a mutual friend a couple years ago. They were dating at the time. At that point he was just a face that didn't mean much to me - he was the excuse for her to say she was dating someone and nothing more. I wasn't around him for more than an hour the only time I met him. So when she dumped him they stopped talking and he actually moved to a different town because his parents were split up, and we never really got to where I would've considered us 'friends'.
Then came this past August. We all took a trip together to a convention that was about an hour away from us. (They had reconnected prior to the trip, which I didn't know/put together until meeting them at the hotel we were staying at.) When I (re)met him, I was somewhat shocked. The thoughts running through my head were something to the effect of, "wow, I did NOT remember him being that tall, good looking, or funny before." (Yes, I know. Typical crush thoughts, or more like the beginning of them I suppose.) Not only am I used to a more immature attitude, which he definitely does not have, but I'm also used to looking down, not up, when I talk to someone. (I'm 5'10", he's 6'4".) It was a nice change to talk to someone so young with such a nice personality and values.
Since August we've been talking quite a lot and my feelings for him have grown. We hung out last night and for the first time voiced our interest in each other. That's about as far as I need to go into the details from last night. If things go the way we both hope we'll end up dating in the near future, which I'm pretty happy about and so is he.
So, here's the rub to that story. As I have previously stated, he's 16, halfway to 17, junior in high school. Thing is, I'm 20, just turned not even a month ago, and a sophomore in college.
First off, I don't need anyone to lecture me according to their values on dating, and I don't need anyone to tell me what they find wrong with the situation, or potentially illegal, etc. I know what I'm doing, I'm a big girl and I don't dive in without weighing the pros and cons, especially in a situation like this. I also don't need anyone to warn me about immaturity, the relationship disintegrating sooner rather than later, or anything like that. I have my own values and am my own judge of situations like these.
I am however interested in anyone who can share experiences they've had like this, not even necessarily from the same age group. So here's my questions:
Have you ever dated someone who was more than 3 years older or younger than you? Was it a better or worse experience than other relationships you've had with people who were closer to your age? And indeed have you ever been in my current situation (whether you are male or female) and what did you do, and how did it go?
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About the Author
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- From: crystalbal90@xanga
- Name: Emma
- About Me: Some people like me and some don't. I haven't been the best person before. But I try to be the best friend I can be. If you ever need anything, call. If you ever need someone to listen, call. I'm always floating around somewhere. I drift. I like to swim. I love my color guard buddies. And I am a massive marching band nerd. Don't ask me who the football team is playing. But if you ask me something about a set in a song we're playing? I'll tell you it looks like a triforce. :3 I game. I've got a PS2, PS3, DS, SP, and Gamecube. I am a WoW nerd. I DDR. That's different from gaming, ha. :) I go to UNI, guess that's important too. Freshman. Bender 905. Stop by sometime. I love Digimon, and Pokemon. And Star Wars, LOTR, and the Twilight series are pretty awesome too. I read. If you visit, you will find quite the collection of books. There are more at my house. :3 I'm from Davenport. If I'm not in one place I'm usually in the other. I like to hug people. If you have
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Comments (77)
i've dated a wide range...i've gone from dating someone for almost 4 years that was 3 days older than me...to someone who is 20-ish years older than me...and honestly, the latter has been the best relationship experience. i know the range is a greater difference than yours, but i don't think age matters. it's just a number...of course, my dad says i've always been an old soul....i bet many people will say age is just a number; it's true. sure, right now in your situation it's a bit illegal, but like you said, you're a big girl. follow your feelings and mix in a little bit of that rational mind of yours and i think you'll be just fine! ^_^
My old best friend was fourteen and she was dating a twenty-one or twenty-two year old. Surprisingly, that was her first real relationship, and it was also her only healthy one, so long as you can look past the age difference. The guy never pressured her into anything, they didn't do anything sexual (...that I know of. But definitely not sex, on that I'm sure) and even though back then I was extremely wary of him, I wish that they would get back together NOW. I think that dating someone older than you forces you to be more mature about things, because I doubt someone who's more experienced than you is going to take any immature crap.
Age is just a number if everything else clicks...and legal, of course.
My husband is two younger than me. I was finishing my sophomore year in college when he graduated high school. He's the only guy I've dated younger than me and it's worked out well so far...considering we're married now and have a baby...haha. :)
Maturity is more important than age...if you connect with him, why not, you know?
My guy is 1.5 years younger than me, but he's matured for his age, so we're on the same maturity level in most things.
for as long as i've been out of my awkward phase, all the guys i've talked to were at least 3 years older than me, no more than 5 though. we never considered if it was illegal or not, because they never really moved passed "talking." but i could never relate to guys my age, plus i had this stigma against dating people in high school because i hated having my privacy on blast and in gossip.
Worrying about age is no way to go into it. Disregard it if you're happy with eachother.
There's an 9 year gap between us, and it's not a big deal.
I have two friends who are going through the same situation.
My girl friend has actually been going out with a guy who is seven years older than her.
And I have a guy friend who is going out with a girl five years older than her.
As we get older, we tend to notice that age does not matter, but personality and chemistry.
However, I would avoid anyone in high school. The only reason people are more comfortable in dating who are older or even younger than them is because they are reassured over and over that their life is planned. My two friends are in college and have planned their careers. So their older halves do not have anything to worry about.
High school teens are still getting to know themselves. That may sound cliche, but it is also really true. Once they are out of high school they do change and your guy may change. Right now he might say he has things planned, but until you are out of high school you really don't know what you are going to do. You hear all the plans in high school, but how many of them actually stick?
I'd say, don't worry about the age, worry about the person he is and will be. Because what he says could be way different when he's out of high school. Oh, and there could be drama.
my advise, don't hold your breath on this one. college changes people. I don't want you to get hurt coz it sucks. I really fell in love with this guy, but we didn't work out coz the timing is really off. if he was 22 and I was 26, that would have worked, maybe. but as of now, I tell you, it will bring more pain than happiness =/ I'm sorry.. but if ur not looking for any serious type of relationship, side you're still pretty young, I say go for it, just don't invest all you've got to this guy.
wish u the best! hope yours turn better than mine :)
Your situation is not that bad in the scheme of things. It's only 3 or 4 years, and by the time you're both over 20 that won't even matter. But I wouldn't blame you for trying to just be friends with him for a while and hope for something later. High school is seen socially as a whole different phase. Once both people are 18 and up, technically anything goes, but it's good to make sure it's a relationship of equals and not great power differences. I'm happier with younger men, myself (married to one 7 years younger).
I once was in a relationship with somebody who dropped me because I was a year older than her. I was a freshman in college, and she was a senior in high school. She cited life-stage difference as one of the reasons we couldn't be together. Through email.
By and large, high schoolers don't have the maturity to date for real, to play for keeps. I won't say all, because there are some that are more mature than others. And that's not to say there aren't 20-somethings that fail to be responsible and mature in their dating ventures.
Age itself is only a possible indicator of personal maturity. It's about knowledge of self and potential for growth. Life-stage sometimes has something to do with it. I've since heard that the aforementioned girl found a boyfriend in college and they're going steady, so I guess that's the case for her. I'm happy for her, and I've since learned a lot about myself... so I guess she was right, even though she couldn't have known it at the time.
I remember having a thing for someone who was around 20 years older than I was. I liked her, but she thought it was better to keep our friendship. (shrugs)
i have the same issues. im 19. hes half way to 16. 17 in april. my friends all joke about it. and a lot of the time i feel as if i have to lie about his age. he has the same exact birthday as my sister. and im inbetween his age and his brothers age.
but things just click. so we dont talk about age, and were happy.
sure were not dating... yet or maybe ever. But i see him everytime i come home from college.
if it seems right.. then do it. age is just a number.
this is how old my bf and i were when we met. and we are very perfect for each other. :) he is now 18 and i'm 22 so now it's not as weird now i guess.
i was a year older than my ex, but that's about it. my current boo is a year and four days older!
i like it like that. idk why. maybe because i like being the young one for a change.
i know a girl who is dating a man over the internet (ie. she's from america, he's from new zealand) sure, that's fine and all, but he's 29, 30 in 2 months, and she only recently celebrated her 16th birthday.
and yes, her mother knows about him.
The thing with me is i only go for older guys ><
my boyfriend is like almost 3 years older than me.
It's not like you are dating a 14 year old or anything. If he's mature enough to handle you then it's fine.
see i think it is different for a older girl to date a younger guy...because it doesn't look like the guy preying on a young innocent girl. I am in the exact situation as you, i just turned 20 in october and she is about to be 17 in a month. I do get a lot of jokes from my friends all the time saying that i am a pedophile or doing something illegal.
I have dated a few guys who were 7 years older than me. Not only is the age gap large, the difference in stages of our respective lives were very different. I was still in high school and they were already out of college and working on their careers.
I dated a girl who was 19 when I was 22. But 19 -> 22 is not the same as 16->19 at all. At the time we dated, our lives were in similar places. both in school, high school out the door, not living at home, etc. at that point in my life 3 years was no problem, but like I said, its a completely different scenario when you're bridging the high school/college gap, IMO
as long as you are both legal it does not matter. i have always dated women much younger than me. and even now have an interest with some one that is very very much younger but at least legal and things are well. it is not so much about the age as it is about the person. good luck
When I was in my first year of college, I dated a guy who was in his junior year of high school... We were two years apart. And I really liked him. He was a really funny person and really mature (or so I thought). Basically we split up after about a year due to various reasons. For one, I was the one who had to "take care of him" because I was the one who always had to drive us around and I was the one with the job, so typically it was me who was paying for most of the dinner. I didn't mind, but it was pretty hard pulling all the work, and he lived a good 15 minutes away from me... So that was something. He wasn't able to get a car until after we split up, too. Second, his parents were really strict... they didn't approve of us dating. =____= And third, he was a really flirtatious person. He knew he was good looking and he'd flirt with the girls at his high school very frequently. So we had quite a few problems during the relationship. (I didn't know that he flirted with them either, it was one friend of his that told me... And I went to a different college so that wasn't cool.) He could have taken mature approaches to solve our problems and I always felt like I had to compromise with him... so yeah. It really depends on the guy... but next time I suggest someone who is at least older than 16 or just more independent. Even if he is 16, if he supports himself I would be much more open to dating him. Dealing with unsupportive parents is... -__-;;;
Have you ever dated someone who was more than 3 years older or younger
than you?
Yes. 4 and a half years older. He was a freshman in college when I was a freshman in high school (14 and 18) Now I'm 17 and he's 21 and we're still really good friends, though we aren't together anymore (we dated the summer before he left for college)
Was it a better or worse experience than other relationships
you've had with people who were closer to your age?
Much, MUCH better. I'm more mature than most girls my age, and he was relatively new to dating and having a girlfriend. It WAS legal because the law states that as long as no sexual contact occurs, you're able to date over the age of consent line. It was actually the best relationship I've been in- I compare guys to him when I look at potential dates. :) He was my crazy romantic kiss-in-the-rain, do-crazy-things, head-over-heels, hearts-on-fire guy. I wouldn't trade that for anything. :)
And indeed have you
ever been in my current situation (whether you are male or female) and
what did you do, and how did it go?
My only advice is that you may find challenges our relationship didn't have because we were together right before he went to college, and we mutually decided that we didn't want to try a long term relationship. His college experience while I was still in High School was what made it impossible for us to be anything more than friends again- which is good in our case, but it may cause you guys difficulty. But hey, give it a shot. :) if you don't, you may regret it later on.
I am 20 (about a month from being 21), and my last three official boyfriends have been 19, 28 and 25. The only problem that I have found with the older ones is that they seem to want to settle down, and I'm in college and really not ready to think about anything like that.
I think I am going through a younger guy phase right now. :)
here's a story since you dont want advice...
lol
a 16 year old friend of mine met her bf online. he is 31. they had sex. they are still together and everything is "fine". i dont approve. i never will. that's it.
but in ur case its different. go ahead.
My current boyfriend is 3 years older than me and I like it that way. I've never dated anyone that was even remotely younger than me...not even by months. I feel that there is a big difference in maturity when it comes to age. But hey, if he's up to your level of maturity and he's a good guy then I say go for it.