Thursday, 19 November 2009
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The Curse of the Group Date
My boyfriend and I have been hanging out with a couple every weekend for the last month. We spend all of our other time at work and at home. We always go over to the couple's house to watch football on Sundays. I know my boyfriend really enjoys hanging out with his friends and getting out of the house, and I like that it's ok that I go along because his friend's girlfriend is always there too. What I don't like is that we hardly ever go out by ourselves. The last "date" we went on was to the mall so that I could buy him a new video game, and then we stopped to grab a bite to eat. We live together, and I know that changes the dynamic of the relationship and it's no longer seen as "dating." But every once in a while I'd like to go out with my boyfriend, just the two of us, to do something other than grocery shopping.
As an example: I told my boyfriend yesterday that I wanted to go on a date with him this weekend. He asked me where I wanted to go, so I started suggesting places. The movies, the zoo, dinner...he kept telling me, "maybe." Finally I ask him if we can go see a drive in movie, cause he's been promising that he'll take me. "Yeah, we can do that on Saturday night." Cool, right? So he's talking to his friend on text messages a little while later, and I catch a glimpse of his phone and ask him what he's talking to him about. And he tells me he told his friend about going to the drive in. I asked him if he invited him, and he says, "yeah, kinda." Umm, ok. Thanks for not mentioning that you were going to invite your friend and his girlfriend on our date without telling me. I mean, I did use the word DATE with him. He could see that I was slightly annoyed, and he says, "oh, so it's like that?" "Yeah," I said. "Sometimes it is." And the thing is, I always ask him if it's ok if I invite a friend, or invite a friend over before I mention anything to the friend. He usually does too, but lately it seems like he assumes that everything we do is going to be with that couple.
Does anyone else have this problem? Does your bf/gf always want to hang out with their couple friends and you two rarely go out on your own? How do deal with it? This time, if his friends go ill just deal with it because I like them, and ask him to go out with me just us to another time. Should I start being more specific and start saying something like, "can we go out this weekend? Just the two of us?"
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- From: trustme@xanga
- Location: California, United States
- About Me: These are just random thoughts from me.
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Comments (24)
That sucks. My fiance and I know several other couples but we never double date. I just hate how it usually goes. You're both friends, there with your SOs and you end up ignoring the other couple [at least from my experience, yours is obviously different]. So it's easier for us to just go on our own dates. And it is possible to still have lots of dates and live together, it's what we do.
Maybe next time instead of out and out calling it a date you could say "Could we go see a movie? Just the two of us?" and get all cuddly and close to him.
We are guys don't just assume that we know what to do everytime~!!
Just say that u want some you and me time to him
No
Why aren't you straightforward with him? Are you really living together?
Girl, you can't hold back in a serious relationship. You have to grab hold of what you want and straight-out TELL him that's what you want, not beat around the bush.
Trust me. Most guys are selfish and will do things without any thought towards what the girl will feel like, so next time you want alone time, SAY IT.
It's actually the opposite in my case. I only get to see my bf once every few months; therefore, whenever we visit each other, we'd spend 95% of the time together and the remaining 5% with other people. Sure, it's nice to hang out with other couples/friends but it's also important to spend time with one another. You should communicate your desires with him or plan those dates yourself and surprise him.
My boyfriend and i spend more time with just each other than we do with others because of the annoyance of both of our friends. we may go out in a big group if it's one of his or my friend's birthday dinners or whatnot. but we spend more time cuddling up to movies and whatnot. i'd say just talk to him. i didn't come into this relationship wanting to share him with other people:)
tell him that you're upset about it. now.
You should definitely let him know. Start out by addressing the issue (that's what I'd do.) Tell him that you feel like you two never go on a date as a couple, alone. You can almost never beat around the bush with guys...they just don't get it.
Um, haha. Not quite. No.
Now that we have a constant group of friends we do EVERYTHING with, I feel like I don't get any time to relax. I know if I said "Nick, let's go have dinner tonight, I'll get a sitter for the kids" he'd take it as a just he and I and cancel plans with his friends.
I wouldn't go to the drive in movies. He's making dates with them when they're supposed to be about your relationship first. So yeah, I'd skip the movies and go with someone else. Not necessarily a guy but make it about your friends, and yes, talk to him.
We don't go out on dates though for several reasons. The biggest two being our little boys. It can be hard to get a sitter we trust.
nah usually we'll say "lets just us go out." we have a fair balance of hanging with friends/alone time, i think. though, we don't live together or anything.
is it hard to just be like, "just the 2 of us"? it shouldn't be a problem, really ...
yes!!
In my past relationship, he was like that all the time. Mostly everything we did had to involve him "inviting" his friends and their girlfriends to join us. Sometimes I would just like to go on a "date" with him alone without the others.
Yes, next time you should be more specific. There are times that you two do need some "alone" time and there are other times where you two can invite the other couple to come along.
ahh i was in this SAME situation just a couple weeks ago!
my boyfriend and i live together too. his job only leaves him a couple hours at night to hang out and veg and sometimes he's just too tired to pay decent attention to me. we had the weekends, but his best friend just got back from boot camp, and he and his new gf spent all weekend, every weekend, at our apartment for about a month straight.
and like you, i didn't really mind hanging out all together because my own schedule didn't leave much time for socializing so my boyfriend and i had to somehow get our social fix and our relationship time on the weekends, and relationship time lost out. it was driving me crazy and actually was making me miserable and causing a lot of stress in our relationship.
luckily, i see a counselor often and she told me this: a relationship is it's own entity--think of it like a pet dog. sure, you can kind of ignore it and it might be okay. but without attention it's going to suffer and eventually die. same goes for your relationship (it may not die but it is probably going to suffer like mine was if it hasn't already). she told me that we needed to schedule time for just us and stick to that. she said i needed to tell him that we need to have one-on-one time, just us. you have to SAY EXACTLY what it is you want, and not just assume that he caught the word "date". it's too subtle.
i told my guy what my counselor said about relationships and dogs, and he totally understood and agreed with me. and when i told him i needed us to have time to ourselves, he was actually excited (i guess he missed me too haha) then we designated sundays as OUR day and decided that since we live so close to DC, we would find something new to do there every sunday. we hit musuems, monuments etc. some days we would just go on driving adventures and find new windy roads to explore. we'd pick a turn at random, usually the "coolest" looking road, and on some occasions we've spent more than 8 hours doing this. we've ended up in and seen some really cool things...it's not always the most exciting things to do, but we always enjoyed them and enjoyed getting quality relationship time.
however, sometimes one day a week just doesn't cut it, and i told my boyfriend this, too. some days when he randomly gets off earlier than usual from work, we make an effort to pay decent attention to each other. sometimes this means playing video games together, other times we've done chores around the house together (the house gets clean AND we get time together, two birds with one stone lol), or run errands together. sometimes we go see an early movie (he has to be at work at 630am so this limits the things we can do during the week).
ANYWAY after this obnoxiously long beast, my point is this: talk you your boyfriend. BE BLUNT. tell him what YOU want. schedule couple time in advance. find a compromise that makes you both happy.
yeah i suggest just brushing it off this time, maybe suggest another place, and then being more specific later on. he's been used to having group dates, which is good, because you get to hang out with your girlfriend and your friends in one, and you can still be romantic; sometimes you just get into the habit and think that's what the other person assumes when you ask the other out.
just be more straightforward about it. like "hey i want to go out and be alone with you."
yeah...i think you should be more specific and tell him you want to go out only with him
if he doesn't tell you he's going to invite his friend then you have to do the same...
and maybe later he will want to go out only with you - that's the best time you can pay him back...
I don't think it was a mistake on his part. If you two make a habit of going out with them every weekend with this couple, and you make plans for the weekend, wouldn't it make sense that he assumed it was with this couple this weekend?
If you're more specific, mistakes like that won't happen. :)
Just like with almost every other relationship problem posted on Datingish the solution comes down to simply communication
communication
communication
communication
No one is a mindreader and no is perfect.
Who knows, the other couple may feel the same... that they never have time just to themselves anymore because the four of you are always together anymore. I think your idea of adding on the "just the two of us" to your invites to go out would solve the problem. Express to him that while you enjoy hanging out with his friend/friend's girlfriend, sometimes you just want him allll to yourself. :)
@wizard_howl@xanga - I concur.
Seriously, I'm not understanding how it is that you are living with this guy and not able to express to him what it is you're saying.
Yeah, it's funny that you guys are living together and you're still being weird about straight-out telling him things. Just because you use the word "date" doesn't mean he's going to think "special night with me and my girlfriend and absolutely no one else". I'm guessing this issue goes deeper, but let's solve just this one first: tell him that from now on whenever you make plans, you each need to confirm what you are doing and who is coming, with each other.
That's what my boyfriend and I do...
"Wanna go to (restaurant) tonight?"
"Sure! Do you want to invite some people?"
(This is where it goes, "yeah...." or "no, i want it to be just us."
PS If you guys are living together and he misinterprets the things you say, you should probably have a long straight-up conversation about marriage if that's what you're aiming for.
in my experience, men respond best when you're completely upfront with them, and you say exactly what it is that you mean. most men don't pick up on hints. they need the obvious statement of "my back is hurting and i'd like you to rub it," rather than "my back is hurting."
i totally agree with @sumtymesiwonder@xanga
i wish there was a "like" button on xanga because i completely get you.
i dont live with him, but i come over every night basically.All i want is a me- and- him activity but the fact is when he goes out (which is rare because he works and studies a lot) he wants to see his friends, and most of them don't want to go out as double dates, I either go with him and his friends, which at times is cool but mostly i feel awkward and "in the way" of things.And to him planning for an "us" activity is so not necessary because im usually hanging out at his house so often anyway why would we need to go out and do a one on one thing right? ugh.
Most of you don't get it. I do live with my boyfriend, and I do talk to him. And I do tell him that I want time just the two of us. It's our relationship though and I don't think I should have to assume that he's going to invite other people. How come no one thinks he should mention it to me before he invites other people? If he's not a mind reader and couldn't tell that I wanted to go alone, then i'm not either and didn't know that he was going to invite his friend. Communication is a two way street.
I just think it's so funny that people kept saying "you live together and you're afraid to talk to him." I do talk to him. He's the one that failed to mention that he was going to invite his friend.