Time takes us backwards and forwards. So from time to time, we reflect on the good moments in our lives which we may just keep to ourselves and smile as we ponder on those moments. Sometimes we share our past stories with others too. We look back on the bad moments, if not periods, in our lives. Some of which have left scars in our hearts that take some time to heal. We may keep these to ourselves too or chose to disclose them with others. Of course we also look ahead based upon where we are now, where we want to be in the near and distant future, and for some, if not most of us, based on past mistakes that we don't wish to repeat.
Given the importance of time, I'd like you take you through some scenarios on how our relationships - from the moment we meet someone until it ends - are based upon time. For example, when we meet someone we like in the virtual or real world, we think about when we should make a move. Should we move in fast? Slow? Keep them waiting? If we go for option number one, our actions may be interpreted as a sign of desperation or being needy. This can be really off putting for the object of our desire unless, of course, one happens to meet an equally needy person. Yet this may not always be the case. So rushing does have its downfalls.
The risk is even greater if we have just ended a serious relationship and leap straight into another one. Advice given by family and friends is usually to... wait. In fact, many marriages break down simply because people don't wait long enough to get to know one another well before they tie the knot. In time, one or the other or both may come to realize that they should have listened to advice given....and waited. And if, after they depart, they share their sad story with others, one can almost predict that at some point, an "I told you so" comes up in conversation. Then again, each relationship is different. Who can actually say, let alone predict, if a rushed relationship will dissolve or last. Some people actually stay together - happily.
Getting back to when to make the move. If, on the other hand, we like someone but take it too slow, this also carries a heavy element of risk. Some people are overly cautious. They build numerous possible scenarios in their head as to when and how and if they should contact someone. In short, they really take their time. Yawn! By the time they make up their mind to make the move - and usually they do - the person may come to interpret their silence as a sign of lack of interest in him/her. That's a pity.
There are also those who wait too long because they lack confidence and can't stand the blow their ego would take from possible rejection so they wait in anticipation hoping the other person crunches in first. Sometimes this works and when contact is made from 'the other', they smilingly pat themselves on the back. They may actually feel they already have the upper hand in the relationship. Ah ha! Yet sometimes it doesn't work. If you wait too long, you might actually miss...the train! In short, this kind of timing strategy doesn't always get you the prize. Then again, these sort of people usually console themselves by saying: "there are plenty of fish in the sea."
Both these extremes have their drawbacks. So then, if our timing is right in terms of when (forget the how and if) to initiate contact with someone we like, and if, after establishing mutual interest in each other we take our time to get to know each other well until a serious relationship eventually develops into a marital one, than we shouldn't have that many problems in the future, right? Hmmm, not quite. Due to the increase in marital breakdown in many countries, this might not always be the case. People break up after being married for a few years. People break up after being married for decades. This happens for various reasons - too many to mention here.
In such an scenario, if both partners end it amicably, not many problems may arise. The process is usually relatively fast. The time it takes to move on is faster too. In this case both spouses can leave on good terms and concentrate on the positive elements they had in their relationship rather than harping about, for instance, how much time they wasted. Yet this world is far from ideal, one person usually initiates a separation/divorce while the other tends to react to this news in a number of ways. Some see it as a wake up call and do everything they can to get their spouse back emotionally, physically etc. Sometimes this works and new life is injected into the dying relationship. The relationship is saved.
Sometimes, however, it's just too late. People, again react in different ways. For instance, by trying to hang on to a relationship when one partner wants to end it only adds to the misery for the party who feels injured. By using revenge to make your wife/husband 'pay' for the hurt you feel they've caused you only leads to bitterness and causes unrepairable damage to a relationship that was once (supposedly) built on love. And without going into numerous other ways couples use to deal or not deal with separation and divorce, I find it rather sad that couples (be it one or the other or both) don't act in a timely fashion to avoid marital breakdown. They wait for some miracle to happen. Unfortunately, hysteria, emotional blackmail, revenge or other desperate means people use to show they still 'love' their spouse are often done when it's too late.
So has this happened to you... did you leave it too late?
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Comments (9)
very very well-written. i have been meaning to write about 'timing' for ....well, the longest time. no pun intended, haha. it's a concept that is often understood but very hard to be expressed into words. kudos!
You're right...
I really need to get hopping before I miss the train.... but I'm too scared to ask.... :(
I'm the one holding onto an ended relationship right now. It still hurts, but I don't want revenge. I just want to heal and move on.
does anyone know where that clock/watch in the photo can be purchased? :o
Great article. In some ways I wait too long, and other ways I rush into things. Gah, I need to sort this out.
my memory sucks, but as far as i know i've never had the problem of "missing the train". and if i have, it obviously wasn't significant. i'm the only person i know who does this, but here goes:
if i like a guy enough to be more than friends, i let him know ASAP either through commandeering (i steal him, lol) as much of his time as possible or just flat-out saying how i feel. this worked out well, at least initially. however, these guys were always little more than an acquaintance to me, so i had no risk of losing a friend. as for (seriously) bruising my ego, that has never been an issue either because if i DO get rejected, i've only lost a short time and don't have deeply rooted feelings to get over.
however, i stay on this fast pace once things develop into relationships. i don't like the getting-to-know-you phase much simply because i can't determine where he has me on his priority level. so feelings get pretty intense fast. obviously that intensity is scary, for both, but on several occasions i'm sure this quality has scared guys off. oh well...
my aunt suggested that i try to mellow myself, but in the "end" it worked out for me because it worked for getting my current boyfriend. love, living together, the whole shabang. i guess my strange ways didn't work out with those other guys for a reason :)
lol it took me and my best friend 5 years, and some relationships with other people, to work up to the fact that we liked each other. so far, its been a wonderful year and a half.
Good morning everyone - it's 8:30 am here in Malta! Thanks for the comments :)))
I like this. And im actually doing it now... waiting! Thats because I think if the guy is interested then he would make the move, so im assuming that if he doesnt contact me, then i guess thats a goodbye (Maybe).