Wednesday, 18 November 2009
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Commitment Phobia
I've been in a relationship now for the better part of 4 years with a guy who is deathly afraid of commitment. We've been friends for going on 8 years, and both go to the same college. Lately, it seems like we've both been off doing our own thing and just too busy too spend a lot of time with one another, whether it be his ballroom dance schedule and work, or my clubs and friends.
I've been circling the idea of having an open relationship with him because prior to us dating, he hated the idea of monogamy (his parents got divorced and still sleep and hang out together a lot, and he sees them as happier doing so) and still does. He tells me he knows I don't want that, and that he cares about me enough to be in a one on one relationship, even if it isn't his "ideal college experience". He tells me that he can break up with me at any time and be perfectly fine, yet he doesn't want to let go of a good thing and is terrified of one day regretting his decision to let me go.
So my question, dear Xanga members, is why are guys in college afraid of commitment, when it doesn't have anything to do with marriage? Is this just a time tread the waters and see what is out there? Would you regret breaking up with your SO?
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Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 3 Views: 0 8578 Comments: 0 146 View all posts by Mistressofmyownfate@xanga
Comments (36)
Well, I believe that it can be on both sides. For me, I'm not afraid of commitment, but I'm not so eager to just rush right into it either. Both of my serious relationships was the girl leaving me. It is most likely that they want to explore and see what else is out there. But depending on the guy or girl, often times, they have missed the best thing when they already have it. And in that case, regret will be one of the biggest feelings they will experience.
I find college easier when in a commited relationship. You're not interested in other guys or concerned about your boyfriend. You can focus well on your work and have that person constantly there to support you. Maybe guys don't see that from their perspective.
whoa. if someone told me they could break it off with me at anytime and be fine with it, i'd be the first to let them go.
it's not just guys who are afraid of committment and while it may not be about marriage...maybe they kind of fear that one day it may lead to that and they don't want to get hurt? I mean..if his parents got divorced maybe he thinks that one day that would happen to him and he is afraid of that fact and wants to avoid it? just my opinion...that's why I am afraid of committment. I mean...I've found guys I like and would like to be with and know it would work, but something always happens, things change and most of the time people leave
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - i was thinking the same damn thing! haha, wtf is that about?
"Guys" want to experience everything in college. That means multiple women, multiple "experiences". In my opinion, dating different types of women isn't so much of a bad thing, as long as it doesnt get out of control, and you're not sleeping with every one of them. I think understanding several different female mentalities gives you a more well rounded understanding before stepping into the marriage phase.
Notice my quotes...just so no one decides to jump down my throat for generalizing.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - For sure! I just don't get the lack of self respect and self worth some girls have for themselves.
It's not just guys, i know that when i go away to uni i definitely don't want to be in a monogomous relationship. I want to be able to experience everything that goes hand-in-hand with uni.
Though if i was in a relationship with someone, and they told me they wouldn't be fussed about breaking up with me.... i'd break up with them immediately! x
Commitment = Marriage = Mortgage = Nags = Headache
They refuse to give up their singledom for the wrong reasons to the wrong girl.
@Werewolf@mancouch - LOL, I especially enjoyed the mortgage = nags part. I would think it to be more like. Commitment to annoying girl + mortgage payment fail = Nags = Headache
@MsKittyCatty@xanga - so true. It helps because you can focus on school and stuff.
This doesn't sound like it's working out.
I don't think it's necessarily guys in college. I don't believe in the "time to tread the waters." I think it's a bogus and selfish way for guys to excuse their lack of desire to be faithful. BUT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION AND NO OFFENSE.
I might miss my SO, but in this case, no, I wouldn't regret leaving them. He's not committed to you as you are to him, and it sounds like he would leave you for greener grass.
I'd get rid of him.
@LauraG0929@xanga - @XoAsianBabioX@xanga - I agree with you guys. I'd say there's the door... close it on your way out.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - same.
Wowzers. You just described about 70% of the guys on my campus, haha. Then again, I, too, am afraid of commitment when it comes to the ideas of marriage (My parents are divorced as well, so it kind of makes me almost paranoid of marriage seeing what they wen through with the different marriages and relationships... They weren't like your boyfriend's parents though... That would have been really weird.). Yeesh, seems to soon. I am, however, in a long-distance long-term relationship, so I guess I am getting better with dealing with the commitment stuff. I guess it all depends on how much you two care about each other and how much you are willing to commit and keep it going. Either way, I wish you luck with it and hope the problem will soon be resolved for the best.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - Yeah it's not the smartest thing to say to your SO...(spoken from experience heh)
@MsKittyCatty@xanga - Yeah I don't know about other guys but having a SO during college just adds a lot of pressure. Instead of making things easier for you it makes things much more difficult. Not only do you have to worry about class and everything you do with that, you have to worry about putting enough effort in to keep your gf happy, and keep it so she won't start complaining about every thing you do. After college, you still have all the same things to deal with, but luckily work is much less stressful than college heh.
I used to be the same as your bf...kinda.
You never know if he will change his attitude. It's definitely not worth it to just stick around and wait to see if he will change though, and if you press it most guys will just withdraw back to their old ideals and say they don't want to change. You can ask him though, but if you are really looking for the happily married life and he doesn't want to provide it, and seems to want a more carefree commitment free relation you can try the open thing. Although I think that'll just hurt you if he ends up seeing multiple people, but it could give you the chance to move on too.
It sounds like he is stringing you along for his own comfort. But where is your comfort? It's sooo not fair to you and it's a very selfish act on his part.
You know it is.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - Thank you! There's no way I'd stay with someone after they said that.
@LoveYouToDeath16@xanga - I agree, it does seem selfish of him.
If it's been four years and he still isn't willing to commit then you may want to explore other options. I know I wouldn't stick around in a situation like that.
Walk away before he walks all over you heart
@KristInRainbows@xanga - He has commited to me. Hes commited to me so much that he feels numb and sometimes feels like hes wastig his college years because hes afraid that Ill get pissed off if he so much as flirts with other girls. And no, Im not looking for a marriage partner right now, I just dont understand if he appreciates me and knows what he has is good, why would he want to look for someone else?
It just makes me feel underappreciated and taken advantage of. Then other times, he treats me like his princess. I just dont want him to end up resenting me or vice versa because I want to feel special.
you've known each other for a long time. hes used to you. youre like his home. he likes the stability and how comfortable/fimilar you are.
but during college, you leave home to explore. you experience and do new things.
its either time to let go for good, or let go and see if youre really that special girl thats better than the rest. i think he just wants to test the waters because he doesnt know what he wants.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - To you comment: I totally agree. He might as well have said "i want to have my cake and eat it, but not aswer for it by giving you a relationship. Im just having fun and can leave whenever i like...." I wouldnt stick around for someone like that either.
Mistressofmyownfate@xanga- i wouldnt have any respect for a bloke like that. Hun, you deserve so so so much better! Hold your head high because you are gorgeous and the right guy is out there for you xx
Girl, i think you should break up with him, haha. That's just bullshit...If my guy said that he'd be out. Seriously. If he's that scared of commitment then tell him to go find a girl like himself.
Go find another guy, he obviously does NOT respect you.
Hey, I hear you, I been through the same thing in college. It's immaturity, especially if they read Tucker Max's "I hope they serve Beer in Hell"! I used to repeat their famous words to my friends, "I'm not ready for a relationship."
You don't want to get married in your early 20s anyway. When I found the one at 28, I was glad I didn't marry those losers I dated in college. "The one" didn't work out by the way. He was a pathological liar. Oh well, life goes on.