A question passed in my mind, 'What hurts more, the Betrayal or the Break up?'
The answer came quickly, it's obviously the Betrayal.
In retrospect now, looking upon all the events that have occurred. I can see all the sneaking and creeping done by someone I thought was a brother, and someone who once was a lover.
Now I know my actions as of late have been crazy. I know that my snooping and creeping was no better. It's not like I hacked anyone's facebook account... Yet, I managed to gather this and that, bits and pieces, and not all of them fit properly... Not until I read this:
"I'm nervous about tomorrow. I don't know why, I can't find any serious reason, but regardless I feel...anxious. There will be a lot of witnesses. Word will spread... I think."That sparked some suspicion, and I know I was only doing more harm than good by reading her blog. I'll break down my thinking for you all, as well as the facts pieced with my amateur psychoanalysis.
Tomorrow was in reference to "his" birthday party. That alone wouldn't have made any difference, she could've been showing up to the party with anyone and perhaps was just nervous I'd find out. The fact that she states 'there will be witnesses', especially the word witness indicates a crime, or guilt of some sort. Considering my 'friends' shady behavior as of the past few months, compiled with the fact that before my birthday she told me he made an advance toward her, my logic, as unsound as it may be to the rest of you is pretty cut and dry.
He's not replied to me after I wished him a Happy Birthday. He's ignored me for months, and now it's apparent why. I assume nothing, but merely know what I know. I found pictures on a friend's Facebook, it showed her arm in arm with him. I may not have concrete evidence, but I know I've been betrayed. The breakup doesn't hurt, it's the Betrayal, by not just one, but two people.
I talked it over with my best friend's little sister, K, she is like my own little sister. Maybe as a girl, (excuse the sexism) she can't understand how or why this is wrong. I told her "I don't understand how he could do this to me..." She took it as he went about it with malicious intent.
That's not the case... It's just, you don't cross that border, you don't do that to people who considered you family. He was 1 of 4 friends I trusted my life with, now it is down to 3. I explained to K, "I hope they're happy, and it works out. But I don't want anything to do with it"
K told me not to burn that bridge... But I wasn't the one who burned those bridges, was I?
She broke contact with me, she chose to engage in a relationship with my friend. My friend chose to ignore me, he chose her over me. They both deserve each other, and I can't look at either of them the same and things between us will never be the same. All I did was stand by idly, with zero involvement. So how is it I've burned those bridges?
I've learned a valuable lesson in trust, and I'm afraid I may even look at my oldest and most trusted friends with a more cautious eye, all 3 of them...
What do you think is worse, the betrayal or the break up?
Comments (38)
Definitely the betrayal, since thats usually drawn-out and involves lies and such. The break-up is one shot and it's over kinda.
Nobody wants to be betrayed. At least for a breakup, you can respect their honesty and feelings. But if they betray you, openly or secretly, its something so much harder to forgive.
Often times, it's betrayal. I remember being backstabbed by someone who I thought was a friend. He tried to take advantage of my ex at the time (whom I was still hung up on) and then flat out lied to me (since he knew I was still hung up on her). I found out what happened because my ex told me what happened 2 weeks after. From that day on, I decided to not be friends with him and with that ex, it took me a while to regain trust in her. I eventually forgave her and as of right now, she's one of the closest friends I have. But yes, usually, betrayal hurts more since it can lead to break up. And often times, it can happen after the break up where it can cause more pain if you still have feelings for the person.
the betrayal is always worse...I can understand the whole "friends don't date friend's exes" because I believe it to some extent. If you were deeply in love and the breakup was not mutual, than I kinda think it's off limits for best friends, but if it was a mutual thing and you have no feelings for that person it might be a bit different...but it seems to me like they knew it would hurt you, but they went ahead with it anyway, which would lead to them ignoring you. It's pretty shady. And if they were the ones who chose to ignore you, than no..you aren't the one buring bridges, they already did that themselves
ah definitely agree. thats some bullshit you went through.
I think that the breakup is harder, it might be caused initially by the betrayal, but overall the breakup is what changes everything. You could decide to forgive and stay together (normally a bad idea), but if you don't it is the breakup that effects the long run.
Before my ex and I got together, I wanted to break all ties because I knew we were starting to like eachother but his friend and I had liked eachother too. I adressed both of them about because I know situations like that are awkward and I didn't want to get inbetween their friendship. That's more important than me. I was so torn in that situation because they are the weirdest people I've ever met. They were both okay with it and said "whatever happens, happens" like it was a fucking fun competition. -_-. Eventually we got together and even though we broke up, I'm closer to the two as friends than I was before. I wish it could've ended that way with you. But I know what you mean. The betrayal hurts a lot more. With the break up you allow yourself to recover and find a new happiness. I hope you do ^_^
I've been through betrayal. If you have any self-respect, you'll burn those bridges. If you try to put out the fire they started too soon, they'll just take it as you being "ok" with what they're doing. And it's definitely NOT ok.
There's a reason Dante saved the deepest level of Hell for betrayers.
@Unfettered_Mind@xanga - Dante has the right idea.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - Definitely bullshit :P
Always the betrayal.
betrayal.
unfortunately, many times they come hand in hand.... i hear you, loud and clear
One time I found out that a friend-turned-lover was seeing someone else when a mutual friend (who didn't know we had anything going) brought it up and I had to act all happy for him and not let any of our mutual friends know how much I never wanted to see his face again, it was terrible. On the surface we're still "friends", but I have lost every ounce of respect and trust for him and he will never in a billion years get it back. Betrayal leaves hatred and massive insecurity, but that cools off and eventually you're just left completely disillusioned with the person and you don't want them back at all. I guess that could be better than getting dumped in a more noble way and missing the person like crazy for a long time, but over the short term it really sucks and you'll never really be friends again.
you have no concrete evidence here that they were together?? and you don't even explain your relationships clearly with these people. i don't see where the betrayal is evident.
Both. My best friend, who was also my ex both broke up and betrayed me...all within 24 hours of fucking me! Literally!
Sounds like a joke...i know, but it is a sad truth!
@annacstars40@xanga - Correct. I'm a bit crazy, and at the time of writing this, I had nothing to go on but my gut. However, I know now, without a doubt, that this is actually the truth.
But if you want elaboration on my relationships let me break it down.
My friend: I thought of like a brother, I've known him for roughly 12 years, and at one point or another in our adult lives, hung out everyday. He used to come over after high school, we liked the same things. He was like a brother, family.
My Ex. I've known her for 7 years. We were together for a short while, but went through a lot. Starting from the time we got intimate, to the time we were through was almost a year. She took me in when I was homeless, and she was pregnant, and later aborted our child for her own reasons. I do not blame here.
Hope that's clarification enough.
Betrayal always hurts worse. Sometimes.. when people feel guilty, they pretend nothing ever happened, and blame the person that causes them guilt. I don't get along with my dad. But I still love him. And when he's really angry.. I can see how miserable he is in his eyes. I feel sorry for him. It's probably not going to help when I put in my two cents. But, I hope you're alright. And if you need a friend, I'm here. Okay?
I'd say the betrayal is worse.
that's something that should be an unspoken fact between two friends that doesn't happen.I personally think that even if the breakup happens before. . it could still be considered betrayal if a friend gets with your ex . Depending on the amount of time that passes. It's just a whole awkward situation that should be avoided. The breakup is something more honest. Its easier to get over that then the betrayal of someone you thought you could trust, as a friend. Especially if it's a best friend.both suck and are hard to deal with and get over...
and this isn't what you want to hear, i'm sure, but i just want to tell my story, since i'm on the opposite side.
my best friend dated a guy roughly three years ago, and she even said it wasn't that serious. they dated less than a month and never kissed. she was utterly bored by his personality, but he was nice to look at. now, last year she wanted me to get to know him. my cousin, who i trust with opinions on the world, said this means the "no friends dating friend's exes rule" no longer applies because my bestie urged a connection, but my bestie didn't agree with this. well this guy and i got to know each other (we were supposed to be attending prom together) and over the course of a month things got intense (if i'm into someone, my feelings develop really quickly) anyway, we kept our 'relationship' a secret because i didn't want my best friend to know, but i didn't think it was fair that i should have to stifle and ignore my own attractions because of a basically bullshit relationship between the my best friend and this guy.
afterall, the point of our lives is to recreate, is it not? and we are supposed to find someone to do this with, are we not? it just doesn't seem right to me that people should pass on legitimate feelings because of someone else. who else is going to make me happy if i'm not? that's my job in life. and hopefully do as little damage to other people in the process of making myself happy as well.
i agree with you that this is a truly awful situation and i don't blame you for how you're feeling. i completely understand it. but i also want you to understand that this is obviously not easy for them either--because they do care...sometimes people keep secrets to avoid hurting feelings. i'm not saying this is okay, but i just want you to see the other side. they didn't flaunt this in your face; they were trying to save you the grief.
still, i'm sorry you have to go through this. i just want you to see that while this is the hardest on you, it's not easy on them. especially since they lost you as a friend now as well most likely forever.
@aCe_KeiAnar@xanga - that is difficult. i can see where you are coming from. but i also understand them getting upset at how you "stalked" them and were upset when there wasn't evidence. i wonder when all this happened between them. doesn't make it right but we learn to be better people from those experiences and learn how to handle things.
@annacstars40@xanga - The best I can do is know who they are now, and leave them to their own devices. I will never allow them back into my life, even though I doubt they desire that. It's just not how you think years of friendship and love would play out.
In all seriousness, I am okay.
Ha.....most definitely betrayal. It makes you not want to trust anyone...not even those you were closest to. It's heartbreaking to say the least but in the long run, they will pay. Karma will knock when it's least expected.
Betrayal would hurt so much worse. I agree.
friends that do that a sucky friends. it is an unspoken rule that friends should never go for other friends partners/ex's
i would have felt betrayed. but your friendship should be stronger than this girl. dont let her come between you great friendship.
I don't think you can quantify pain like that. Obviously both are going to hurt and both are going to completely disrupt your life. Someone hurt you, you need to readjust how you see that person. Someone is leaving you, you need to readjust how you see yourself.
Either way, there is change, and that's hard.