Tuesday, 17 November 2009
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You May Think You're Just Friends
I know there have been about a thousand posts about men and women and the friendships possible between, but I just wanted to get my opinion out there.
I don't think that men and women can be "just friends" unless one or both of them is already in a committed relationship. That last bit is important, because it is what stops (decent) people from making a move on their friend and taking their friendship to the next level.
In the comments after earlier posts I've read all sorts of replies, but most of the people who write in are women who say something alone the lines of "I have a friend who's like a brother to me; I'd never think of him in a romantic way". Well, that's your view of your friendship, you're missing your "brotherly" friend's opinion, and in 99.9% of the those cases, his opinion of his "friend" has been more than just sisterly affection. I'm not saying that he would ever act on his feelings (obviously he hasn't if the typical commenter still views him as a friend) and he'll probably get over his unrequited crush on you and move onto the next soon enough.
As an example, I'll use my own relationship. My boyfriend's best friend is a girl. They've been good friends for a while now, and I had been suspicious of her intentions toward him for sometime before I asked him about her. He told me he sees her as "just a friend". Well, that was his opinion. So I asked her, and while she obviously didn't want to come out and say it, the main gist of her feelings were "I want to bang him, but I restrain myself because he's with you". So there you are, two different views of the exact same friendship.
So before you go spouting off that you know you "just friends because he's like a brother to me!" consider the fact that now, or at some point in the past, or sometime in the future, he will see you as far more than just a sister.
Any thoughts on this? Am I right or so very, very wrong?
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About the Author
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- From: astrellia
- Name: Rachel
- About Me: i'm a 20 year old college student in the midwest. i plan on moving to chicago when I graduate and getting my msw. in the meantime, i'm in love with my bed, my friends, cheez-its, and my boyfriend, but not in exactly that order :)
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Comments (92)
I think it's different for everyone. I have guy friends that I don't want to bang, and they don't want to bang me. Though, there are other guy friends I have that, if given the chance, I might go for it.
Unfortunately, you're probably correct. There are a few (like 1.5) of my guy friends that I KNOW we have no feelings towards each other. We're just too different to date, which is why we make such good friends. The rest--who knows.
it's different for everyone. not every guy-gal pals have platonic relationship
You're way wrong. There are two sides of course, BUT just because your guy friend might have in the back of his head that he's into you it doesn't automatically make you more than just friends. Two people have to be in the same place for that to happen. I have tons of guy friends, actually probably 80% of my friends are guys and it's always been that way...even when I wasn't in a committed relationship. If one of my friends thinks I'm hot and "wants to bang" me (as you said about your man's best girl friend.) it doesn't matter and that really isn't worth two cents because I'd never let it happen if that wasn't what I wanted. If I view someone like they're my brother then that's that, regardless of whether he has feelings for me or not.
This is very correct. Men and women can't be friends because there's always one of them who wants to take it to the next level and holds back for a reason.
In my male friendship right now, I'm the one.
Anyway...good luck. Your bf's best friend better continue to restrain herself. ;)
This is true :O
i agree with you! At some point in that "friendship" will one person's feelings will exceed the other person's feelings towards each other. They may never act on it, but its there.
Pretty much all of my male friends who aren't gay, I'm sure have it in the back of their minds of wanting to get with me, whether it be just wanting it as a one-night stand or dating me. It's like I can't hang out with a guy unless he's interested in someone else more than me or is already dating someone...or if he's gay.
Two people who I thought were completely platonic friendships, called me up trying to get with me and I was so shocked because I would never ever mess with either of them, and I thought they thought the same as me, but it was only a matter of time where they would confess.
Too bad it isn't ever going to happen. I don't get people and how they can just hook up with people just for the sake of it. The best is when both people like each other.
its true.....and then eventually things change
i think you got it right on the dot. well at least my sentiments are similar to yours.
i don't think a boy and girl can be truly friends if both of them are not attached. it's more of a case of; we get along well, we hang out well with each other; which obviously means we enjoy each other's company. (now, do not tell me now there is no "chemistry", because personally i think that total bulldust..why would a perfectly good boy or girl waste each other's time and hang out with each other if theres no chemistry *raise eyebrows* fine fine..you can call me skeptical now).....so why not go out?
so no, i do not believe that a girl and boy can be THAT close to an extent and not want to extend their relationship to a deeper level unless one or both if attached. and if one or both are..then of course the right thing would obviously to not do anything (which i agree, because relationship wreckers are the worst).
basically, my concluding point is: for a boy and girl to share their deepest of deepest.. i don't believe it can be platonic then.
any rebuttals?
it's a complicated issue, but you do bring up a really really good point.
Wow. I agree with you. I have a really great guy friend that I consider to be my brother because I'm not romantically/sexually attracted to him. But the thing is, he sees me more than that and has expressed his feelings to me twice. It's difficult to hang out with him because I don't want him to think that it's more than that or lead him in the wrong direction, so I don't hang out with him alone. When we do hang out, we hang out as a group.
I see your point, but honestly I still think that the only situation where it's impossible to be "just friends" with a guy is if you've had a relationship before. Or some kind of romantic/sexual history with each other.
I don't know. My two BFFs are males. One of them I wanted to bone (and we did) and one of them wanted to date me (but we didn't). We're still all three BFFs though, three years later, sooo... I guess true friendship conquers all? I don't see why you can't be both tentatively interested and good friends at the same time.
I agree with you, men and women cannot be friends. somehow someway, there will be some sort of sexual tension.
Is that how it happens?
Sometimes. I'd even say most of the time.
However, if both parties talk about it, and are completely hones, I think it's very possible that guys and girls can be just friends. I am a girl and my best friend is a guy and we've been friends for 4 years now. I'm currently in a relationship and he is not, but I know for a fact he does not have any interest in me. It's great =]
@makerm7@xanga - 1.5? hahaha what do you mean?
haha. So many view points.
Everybody is different, deal with it. Some do want more than just being friends and some are really, just friends (no matter how close they are or how close your ego will tell you they are).
Imo, it's easy to keep attraction in check, and it doesn't have to affect a friendship. I think it's a shame to not be able to enjoy friendship just because you want to date somebody who isn't interested and/or available. I count my friends among my blessings, because not everybody has friends :)
It's different for everyone. And I don't see why if someone had a crush on their friend at one point and got over it, they aren't just friends anymore. Maybe I misunderstood that part. But I have a friend who I'm aware is attractive, but I just don't want to bang her because we're just friends. No sexual tension, no hidden love, none of that. So while I see your point, I don't think it's correct for everybody.
Eh, I guess I agree. From being in a relationship for three years then being single and finding out certain guys think I'm attractive or, like last night, talking about with my FRIEND about banging and him realzing he's in love with me one day, then yes. I believe you haa.
i think men and women can be just friends if they're friends by association. if one had pursued the friendship, then obviously no.
I have one friend that I adore, but wouldn't marry; but I think it's pretty rare for that to happen. Are you saying it is more likely for the guy's feelings to change? That is backward from what I would have thought.
I agree completely with the last part: at some point in the past or future you will be viewed as more than a sister.