Judging by the many meters of books in your bookshop on the subject, relationships are a minefield. 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus', you know the ones I'm talking about. By mentioning just the title of that one millionseller, you have the basis of the problem. The author could have just expanded the title a bit: '... so give it up, it's not gonna work!' but then he wouldn't have a book to write. All these books offer excellent advice on how to communicate with your partner and make the relationship work. Funny then, that the people who buy these books feel compelled to buy another one, and yet another one... seems that they didn't get it the first time around.
The comedian Jerry Seinfeld likes to say 'men will never understand women'. He has a reason for saying so, because the miscommunication between men and women gives him lots of material for his shows.
But if he was right, homosexuality would be a much more attractive option than it is. After all, men understand men and women 'get' women, right? Well, going by the gay couples I know, forgedaboudit. They argue just as much as the heteros.
It's a bit like the guy who says 'I'm an expert on relationships! I've had dozens!'
I like being in a relationship, my own views on the subject are quite positive. I'm quite patient and understanding, for a guy that is. But there's one thing I cannot stand, and that is nagging.
For me, it comes mostly in two forms. The first is nagging to make you do something.
'How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your socks lying around'?
'Is it really to much to ask you to do the dishes once in a while?'
'Do I have to remind you a million times to take the rubbish out?'
The second form of nagging is to take you back, over and over again, to some mistake you made in the past.
'Like that time you sold the car for a song'!
'If only you had asked for a higher pay when they hired you we wouldn't be so hard up now'.
'It wasn't me who fell asleep on our wedding night'!
Both forms have the same effect on me: I go all quiet and brooding.
Nagging just doesn't work. It may get the rubbish to be taken out at last, but don't expect cuddles later on. If you need to nag to get something done, your approach was wrong in the first place. If not your approach, your timing. As for the second form, can somebody please explain what the point of repetition is? Is anything going to be gained by it? Will the mistake be rectified? Of course not, it already happened so it's too late anyway.
There are aggravating circumstances. One is, if it wasn't your fault. You did ask for a higher pay, but they just wouldn't give it to you. You did sell the car for less than you had hoped, but it had holes in the bottom and you got tired of carefully adjusting the floormats to hide them. You did fall asleep on your wedding night, but you were dr... - oh perhaps I am not giving the right example here.
I am sure about one thing: persistent nagging is the death of a relationship. It is a very poor way of communicating at best, but most of all it breeds resentment that will build up over time.
My questions to you are:
1. Are you being nagged? How does that make you feel? Do you think it might do irreparable damage to your relationship?
2. Are you a nag? Can you tell me why you do it?
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Comments (25)
I'm the nagger.
Because no matter what I say or do he won't listen.
It'll probably harm the relationship - the more I do it.
So, I think I should gradually lessen the nagging.
It's hard not to. I'm stubborn and sometimes selfish.
i think that im the nagger. I ask/tell him to do things all the time and he wouldnt do it and so i have to remind him CONSTANTLY that i had requested this to be done weeks ago. He normally ignores me which pisses me off and so i nag some more. Its what i do and ignoring me is what he does. I know that eventually he will do what i ask and he knows that eventually i will stop the nagging. So i guess it works..LOL
I try to catch myself from nagging and stop because thats all my stepmom does and I dont want to be that kind of woman because I know what its like to put up with a person like that. I know that youre not really the most enjoyable person to be around with
This whole thing sounds like a nag to me. ;)
The solution is pretty simple. If you don't want to be nagged at, why don't you listen and do what you're asked the first time? The only reason why I nag at my boyfriend is because he simply does not know how to listen. And for the record, I hate having to repeat myself just as much as he does.
Precisely what vVampireSs@xanga said.
Can this "Death by Nagging" turn into "Death To Nagging!"
When somebpody nags, I just put on the iPod.
I've been both. And when I think about when I was the one being nagged, it was usually for something I didn't really care enough about to do. Because I didn't really care enough about the person who was nagging. So I just stopped listening. But I've also nagged before, and it leads nowhere. You just need to go about it a different way. Because tuning out is an acquired task that people being nagged learn very quickly :)
Firstly, nagging is a funny word..haha, nag, nag, nag. Anyway, if you don't want her to nag, then don't give her something to nag about!! That way, she won't have the ammo to nag you with! All you have to do after you make a sandwich, or making ramen, is clean up after yourself!! It's not that hard. And after your take off your socks or underwear, straightaway put them in the dirty clothes bin!! If you don't give her something to nag about, then she won't nag!
i try not to nag, sometimes my bf does things that upset me, but i limit my grumblings to once and only once. i'm usually good at playing the guilt game if he screws me over not helping out ... is that the same as nagging lol
what solution do you propose then? a bed-making dish-washing robot?
Nagging happens mostly when the other person in the relationship doesn't listen. If you listened to what your SO was telling you and just did it, there would be less nagging. If it's something you don't understand why you should do it, then ask. Not too hard to do.
Seriously I hate nagging, but if you're going to act like a 3 year old and not take responsibility, clean up after yourself, or use common sense I'm going to have to treat you like one.
My ex use to say, "you're not doing your boyfriend duties!"
Drove me up the wall. I don't know where she learned that from either. After awhile, I think it did add up because she mentioned my face changed.
"Why the long face?"
... so precious.
Im the nagger, but I try not to be. I just like things done a certain way at a certain time.
i do the first type of nagging. second type of nagging is liek akefnjasjf;awkjf;asfkja.
I have to nag otherwise what I want done will never get done. The person I am talking to is not reliable.
I'm not much of a nagger. I actually feel like I am nagging if I have to suggest something to my boyfriend twice in a row because he was too focused to hear me the first time. If something doesn't get done, I usually just do it myself, because I'm independent like that.
#1. did you SAY you were going to do what she asked? If you say you were going to, and then still haven't done it.. then it's your own damn fault.
#2.did you say MAYBE? and then didn't do it? Then it's your own damn fault.
If you hate nagging, maybe you'd learn the lesson to actually do what you say you're going to do.
If you never agreed to do what was being nagged about, then maybe you shouldn't be with such a controlling fucking bitch who thinks that you should be doing everything you said that you wouldn't.
If you don't agree that she's controlling and it's something you should have been doing,
then quit nagging at women to quit nagging.
I can totally see how it would be uncomfortable to be on the receiving of nagging. Consider though that women don't want to be nags either. Who wants to be like that? Who wants that kind of reputation? Who wants to have to go to that effort and feel the bad feelings that nagging not only shows that a person is already feeling, but encourages because a woman is doing it.
The receiver of the nagging wouldn't be nagged if they would do what they say they will do in a timely manner, or show courtesy and respect to their partner by actually paying attention to their actions (or inactions) and pick up those socks, not leave empty soda cans all over the house, show up on time or at least call, or whatever they are most and constantly nagged about.
Perhaps, everyone should be more aware of how their behavior affects others. Perhaps, people should realize that men can nag just as much and as easily as a woman can. And perhaps we should all keep in mind that if someone is nagging us, they just might have a valid reason for doing the nagging.
i have a tendency to nag! i hope i can tell you a bit about why i, personally, do it.
i am REALLY bad about the second type of nagging you mentioned. i think it's mostly because i'm so hard on myself. i am a perfectionist, and an obsessive person, so when i make a mistake i keep coming back to it. unfortunately for the people close to me, if they make a mistake, i keep coming back to that, too.
i think another factor is that there is still energy tied up in the upsetting incident. for example, if someone never apologized, or if i felt they weren't really sorry, i would keep bringing it up hoping that, this time, they would handle it differently and i'd finally be able to let it go.
but, that's just me. i think everyone's different
My husband and I are both pretty much non-naggers. We're both fairly laid back when it comes to most things. This means it sometimes takes a while for things to get done around the house, but it does get done eventually. It really doesn't bother me to see the trash piling up or whatnot because I know he will do it, and I know he's taken that as his responsibility and won't let it keep piling up forever. If something is getting to be a problem, often a reminder like, "Oh, doesn't such and such need to be done?" when the person is actually available to do it is all it takes. Either of us will jump right up and do it when the other gives us a non-nag-sounding reminder like that.
However, he's got some major stuff due really soon. We're not talking papers, we're talking a senior thesis and stuff like that. And he's totally slacking off even as the date draws nearer, as in this week or next week. I'm worried. We're both slackers at times, sure. I don't ever pester him about his schoolwork, really, but this is his future we're talking about. Big stuff. Fat chance getting a second chance kind of stuff. I'm sure he'll do it, but... gah. He'll sit around for hours gaming so late he gets little sleep and I say, "What about your senior thesis?" He'll do that later, he says. Might as well have some fun since he's too tired to do anything else right now. It's to the point where he admits it's not going to be as good as he'd hoped because he hasn't left enough time. It isn't my business yet it kind of is since his future also affects mine, as we're married and all. I hate to see him sabotage himself but I can't force him to do anything.
Approaching threshold. Nagging will commence in 3... 2...
I've turned "nagging" into something slightly creative: I'll start with, "I'm about to be a pain in the @$$ again ...", to which I'll receive as a response, "...dishes/room/socks, got it..." - thereby circumventing the whole nag process.
Sometimes, in artificial cheeriness, I'll pipe in with, "Iiiiiit's your friendly, neighborhood pain in the @$$ with your Word of the Day, and the Word is: SOCKS!"
Or, alternatively, I'll do the sound effects of either car brakes or a record scratch [with pantomime gestures], and I'll full-body pivot and exaggerated-focus [bent waist, eyes and face pointing at offending dishes, then, in caricature, I'll pivot towards my dearest nag-ee and do a terrible Spock [circa 1960's television series] impersonation, glancing at that which normal females would start nagging about.
Flipside, I've had the raised eyebrows and similar caricaturing done of myself to me on "our regular b!tch sessions"
Each, with a little bit of love, and a little bit of humor, seems to help. We've survived this far...
i agree with vVampireSs@xanga as well.
and i am for sure the nagger.
but as vVampireSs@xangasaid, if my boyfriend would just do the stuff i ask him to do the first time i ask, i wouldn't have to keep asking which is/turns into nagging. i'm sure all the naggers don't WANT to nag. but, for example, my boyfriend and i live together so we have to share the household chores. if i could i would do all of it, idk why but it makes me feel good that i can actually take care of the household, but some days i'm just too busy or exhausted. anyway, he's agreed to help. that started off well, but he didn't understand why things couldn't wait to be done until the weekend. we couldn't see eye-to-eye on this, and for a few weeks it led to a lot of problems in our relationship. my nagging stressed me out and pissed me off, and it did the same thing to him. we were fighting over EVERYTHING because of all this pent-up frustration, and our relationship was the worst it has ever been during this time.
it was fucking awful, and because we live together the situation pretty much consumed everything (at least in my life) so i was even more annoyed/upset whatever. it was just a vicious cycle. finally, about a week or so ago, things changed. and now my boyfriend has been a lot better about not only doing things the first time i ask, but doing them without my asking at all!
i really do hate nagging, because it reminds me of how much i hated it when adults would/do nag me about things, and because i felt like my boyfriend's mother, and that's awkward since i'm his girlfriend. those roles shouldn't cross. that's weird. and gross.
@hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga - ha i restated this in my comment. it really does win points! you are SO right.