Monday, 16 November 2009
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To Hook Up or Not To Hook Up?
That is the question.Recently, I have finally met a really great guy in one of my college art classes. I was beginning to wonder if there were any decent people in my town left and got discouraged since it's been years since I've actually dated someone, and earlier in the year since I've hooked up with someone as well...I'm picky and won't just sleep with anyone. Until earlier in the year, an awesome guy transferred into my art class at the last minute and gave me hope.
We didn't talk right off the bat, though. It wasn't until we had a group project together that we started talking more. We have sooo many things in common it's unbelievable: same love for art and music, even people we know...I found out a little about his high school past and he was Prom King/a major jock for his class, lol - surprising since he seemed a little quiet at first. I wasn't popular though back then, though. He loves biology, I hate it...that's probably one of the few differences between us.Anyway, the catch? He's transferring yet again next semester to another college four hours away. I am not sure he will still keep in contact with me when he goes away. I've had really bad experiences lately which have left me with pessimistic thoughts about everything...thinking that he won't contact me when he leaves town. I totally think he would find someone at that new school and forget about me altogether since it would be more convenient.Having that in mind, I am not sure whether or not to keep it just as platonic friends while he's in town, or to hook up with him anyway and risking just being left behind in the dust.I'm torn on what to do because I really, really want to date him (I've never had a long distance relationship before, but I don't get the vibe that he wants to date me), yet I am okay with casually hooking up because there's this unspoken physical chemistry that's blossoming, haha. Right now, we are still talking as platonic friends, though.Any advice? What would you do in my situation? Have you had this experience?
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Comments (31)
Don't get involved. Sex is never just sex.
Ah, this is an ancient predicament mankind has faced since the dawn of time. After reading this, I quickly ignored any of the information about the fact he is moving away (for the moment anyway). Take this away and you get the seemingly simple dilemma- I want to date him/her but am scared that if he/she rejects, it would ruin this awesome chemistry we have. I myself have recently been in this dilemma. The only answer I can give you is that you have to make your mind up fast, because once you come to a decision you will feel a lot better. For the record, I chose not to pursue the girl in question and it worked out fine. We're brilliant friends and everything is fine.
However, given the fact he is moving away it will seem to complicate things A LOT more than they actually are. Despite the bad reputation long distance relationships have, they are usually the same as normal ones, apart from you don't see each other as much. But with modern technology like facebook it is now a lot easier to keep in contact. I think you should completely forget the fact that he is moving away and ask yourself this: do I really want to date him? Could I cope with the consequences if he said no? If the answer to both of these is yes, then go for it! You only live once!
Hmm, looking back, I didn't really help the situation, but hopefully I've provided a 'second voice' if you like. I wish you well in your endeavour!
If ya'll want you can start dating but definitely do not have sex with him if he's leaving. Remember college is only 2-4 years(depending on hsi degree) So you can start dating, he can go do what he needs to do then you guys can continue your relationship if it's what both of you want. You've got plenty of time, don't rush into sex just to make yourself feel better. If he's truely a great guy and if he truley has feelings for you then he will come back wanting more!
You really, really want to date him, but would be "okay" with just hooking up?
This sounds like a problem scenario. I don't know you personally, but generally if people plan on a no-strings-attached hook up with someone they want to date, it ends badly for them.
Go ahead and hook up with him if you think you can handle being left. If you're attached to him at all (as you seem like you are), there's a good chance that him leaving the school and leaving you behind would be devastating to you. In which case, it's probably better to just remain friends.
Just stay friends. This doesn't seem like a great situation and you're probably going to want to stay out of an LDR with so little time prior to the distance.
I would ignore the fact that he's moving away and just go for it.
maybe if things work out between you two you or he will transfer to a closer college?
You should tell him how you feel.
I'm not understanding why this has to be a short term relationship. Like someone else said, long distance relationships are just like regular relationships, but with less time together in person. My husband and I were apart for 6 months (he's in the Navy) and we communicated through letters, emails, facebook, and we used skype a lot for video chat. Sure, we didn't get to have sex, but unless that's the most important thing to you, you can still make your relationship work. I actually feel that these periods of time away have strengthened our relationships.
And guess what? College is not forever. Just because he's going away to college doesn't mean that you can't continue your relationship, and be reunited in just a few years. I know it could be hard, but it won't be impossible. So see where this relationship goes... if it's only meant to last for a short time, then fine.... that's cool, too. But you never know. Don't give up on something that could have been wonderful just because it hast the possibility of being short-lived.
i agree that sex is never really just sex when it comes to friends. it's easier not to start something when you're scared you'll just be hurt in the end.
Don't do it. Sex screws everything. It's never just innocently plain sex. Nothing from my tremendous experiences have proven me otherwise. I made the same mistake over and over hoping for something to change but it never does. Drop your pants only and if only if you're entirely not interested, except sexually interested.
lol..ok..you want honest advice?
Say goodbye..nothing's going to happen.
You may feel he's a great guy and all...and talking to him may give you goosebumps and butterflies, but if he's not interested in dating, he's not interested in you in that way at all. Your belief that there is an "unspoken physical chemistry that's blossoming" is likely biased and deluded. Harsh I know...but true.
If you throw yourself at this man don't be surprised if he doesn't catch you.
I doubt you'll ever be more than friends with this man...keep your eyes open for other men.
Take care and good luck!
have fun! but if u know ur the type to want more than just be friends... if u can have with out any regrets then go for it! beside u never know. something good might come out of it. n plus LDR just might be rite for u too...u never know until u knock! good luck.
Despite other people's optimism on the subject, the reality is is that long-distance relationships do not work out a majority of the time. The ones that do seem to have had a lot of history before the relationship actually occurred, or the relationship had been going on for awhile before it changed into a long distance one.
Plus, a lot of the long distance relationships that do work out probably have a lot of skeletons in the closet, but I'll admit that's just speculation.
Still, you seem to have a real thing for this guy, and if that's the case, sex will hardly be just sex (though I'm the type to argue that sex is never just sex, no matter who it's with). It'll bum you out anyways when he leaves, clearly, but if you pursue something more, even if it's just a physical relationship, it'll probably leave you with a bitter tastes in your mouth once it's over. Especially if he ends up not being who you think he is once he's left.
That, and like Titanic Spaz up there said, this unspoken physical chemistry could all be just you...it seems odd that he wouldn't even be interested in dating you if that were truly the case, even if common sense and logic prevent him from doing so.
Sit down and talk to him about it. Let him know how you feel. You may be surprised. There are some guys who are willing to stake out that 4 hours and don't mind. Or, if you just wanna keep it casual, he might do that as well. Platonic relationships can be great ways to keep in touch as well. Just be there for him, call a few times to catch up and exchange conversation.
Hey guys, it's the OP. Thanks for all of your advices.
The reason I feel that there may be a blossoming physical chemistry, at least, is because he is always flirting with me in class and giving me compliments on what I like and whatnot.
Like one day, I told him what my middle name was and he said it was really pretty.
And another day I wore this perfume and he said it smelled good, lol.
And more things.
He seems to like talking to me in class as friends I know so far, but not sure if he wants to date me.
I don't get the vibe that he may want to date me, but it could be I got the wrong vibe and he might want to. Also, another thing is that he is about 2 1/2 years younger than me, so I think he may think I'm a little bit old for him even though I don't think he is too young for me so that's why he might not pursue anything further than flirting in class.
However, I guess the only way to know if he would want to is to talk to him about it, for those of you that told me to talk to him, I hope I will get the chance to.
I know some of you have shared me your stories, but I am interested to hear more just to see how it turned out for you. :)
@The OP - Sorry hun but I'm even more convinced that this will not go past platonic friendship. If you're considering "your middle name is pretty" and "your perfume smells good" as flirting....umm....you'd be mistaken. That would be like hitting on a guy by saying "I like your key chain...it...uh..holds keys well."
I understand that you say "and more things" but if these are the first two to come to your mind...this is not flirting at all..and it's all in your mind. Stop fooling yourself and only pursue this as a friendship ..or a heartbreaking rejection will definitely be in your future.
You've been warned.
@Titanic_Spaz@xanga - I have to agree.
You like to think that someone you like might like you back if he comments that "your middle name is pretty" or "your perfume smells good" but all in all, maybe he was just being polite and honest. Maybe your middle name is pretty and maybe your perfume does smells good. But if you ask me if I consider that flirting? No. Perhaps this unspoken blossoming physical chemistry is most likely biased and deluded on your part.
If you want to casually hook up with someone that you really, really want to date, I don't think that's a good idea at all. You will think and expect more after sex. It just won't be sex after the deed is done.
If you really like this guy, sit him down and talk to him. See what he really feels and if you two are on the same page. If he is, give it a try. If not, your search continues.
Just talk it out with him. Seriously the answer to every relational problem posted here can be solved by talking about it.
@The OP - Usually, I would say go for it. Hookups can be fun, scratch that, are always fun, but only if both parties are interested in the hookup solely for the sake of hooking up. If one person wants to date the other person, they will be left feeling more empty than they were before after they hook up and are expected to either return to normal, platonic friendship or lose contact.
Sorry =|
do what you want to do, don't let someone else persuade you otherwise.
id do it. haha.
very simple.. just ask him, then you will get the answer coz no point guessing and keep yourself wondering, whether a "YES" or "NO"... at least there is an answer, after you get the answer, you will eventually know what to do next
If you can handle the fact that it is just a casual hookup and will most likely not blossum into a relationship, then do it! Maybe you need to get it out of your system, maybe it will be good to get laid and since you think he is a decent guy, it won't hurt that you two never had a chance to potentially be in a relationship. It's up to you whether you can handle the choice or not... I personally would do it, if it were me. Hey, you llike him and he likes you but most likely it wont work. But it doesn't hurt to have a long term fuck buddy
i wouldnt. i would be too scared of the heartbreak when he left. there is no such thing as "no-strings attached" i reckon....
best wishes babe! and keep your eye out for more hotties in your town!
Yikes! I take whatever I said back!
Don't hook up with him! Go ahead and add his facebook/myspace or something, but don't get too far ahead of yourself.
Not too long ago, I fooled myself into going crazy over.. some.. random classmate.
Take heed of Titanic spaz's advice.