Sunday, 15 November 2009

• "When You Try Your Best, But You Don't Succeed"

  
  

  
  Throughout the years, many of my friends (and some relatives too) have spoken openly to me about their partners.  I have heard my fair share of complaints and bitching ranging from trivial matters to more serious ones.  Of course, I have bitched and complained too. 

  I've often wondered why people who seem so in love at the start of their relationship end up either:

  a) losing interest in their partner;

  b) trying to change or fix them;

  c) cheating on them in the real or virtual world;

  d) hating and resenting them

  e) using various form of escapism (e.g. work; internet; substance abuse; hobbies; nights out with friends etc) to avoid their partner.

  These are just a few, there are other options people can resort to when they are not that 'happy' in their relationship.  I'd just focus on (b) because many of us have done this and today' song post is related with that theme. I am posting the beautiful song: Fix You by Coldplay.  Personally, I think it's one of the saddest and most realistic contemporary song I've heard.  I can surely connect to these lyrics in my marriage and I wonder how many other people can too?
  

  When you try your best, but you don't succeed
  When you get what you want, but not what you need
  When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
  Stuck in reverse
  
  And the tears come streaming down your face
  When you lose something you can't replace
  When you love someone, but it goes to waste
  Could it be worse?
  

  As I see it (and I'm no therapist) a lot of us enter into relationships with stars in our eyes.  We put a person we fall in love with on a pedestal and tell ourselves this is it.  Yes, we've found 'The One.'  At that point we only see the positive aspects of that person.  We're in love.  We're bewitched. Consequently we overlook the flaws - at least initially.  Or maybe we see flaws and things which seem a bit iffy straight away but choose to look away.  We close our eyes and convince ourselves that 'hey, nobody is perfect.'  As my son's 14 year old friend said yesterday as I was driving the boys home: "I'm never going to find the perfect woman because they don't exist... she does have do have a nice figure though, the face isn't so important."  I can see him purchasing a lot of paper bags...  Ok, where was I? 

  So we proceed. Grave mistake!  Why?  Because it's those very same flaws, bad/negative character traits/habits or other aspects of that person's personality we dislike that eventually cause schisms in our relationships.  We'll eventually loathe those flaws/bad habits/character traits in that person.  Ironic?  Sad?  True!

  Yes we grow and change over time.  That's a fact and thank goodness. Yet sometimes people go into a relationship with so many expectations without ever talking about what they expect beforehand and if those expectations are realistic.  This is bound to lead to disappointment.  And sometimes those things which we initially considered to be 'cute' or 'sweet' in our sweetheart and aspects we initially admired in them or thought we can live with e.g. strong-will; dominance, rebelliousness; free spirit; open; shyness; confidence etc. can start to annoy us, really annoy us, over time.  What do we do then?  Yup we try to fix those things.  We try to change that person.  Baffling but true.  

  At first we may hint subtly at those things that irk us... "darling, do you mind if..."  In time, however, we stop beating around the bush and get straight to the point!    "DO YOU MIND"; "OMG"; "YOU'RE SUCH A JERK FOR DOING THAT"... etc etc.  I think you get my drift.

  Yes I'm guilty of doing all that.  I'm guilty of recognizing things I didn't really like or want in my man but burying my head in the sand and going ahead with it.  Regret?  Now, yes.   I couldn't fix it... and he couldn't give me what I want. It was bound to end........

  From every disastrous situation, something positive always emerges. At least now I know what I want and don't want.  I know what I can and cannot put it with.  So when I met Jan I asked him "what are you willing to put up with and what are you not willing to put up with?"  He must have joked about this at first.  However we've talked extensively on this topic, and seriously discussed a lot of others into the early hours of the morning.  That's good.  Talking is good.  That, in my opinion is one of the good things about us... we can discuss anything.  I've always wanted a sensitive, expressive, communicative and supportive man...and I've found one.
  

  So for those of you who have divorced or separated are you more empowered now?  What are you willing to put up with? 

  Oh, here is today's link :   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBEYyHGbwto
  

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