I read this article about
rape fantasies and it really upset me about people having them. From a rape survivor I really upsets me because rape isn't something to fantasize about.
Rape is still unwanted sexual contact, and rape is not something to joke with.
I never sought treatment, because I was scared, I was 19, I was young and stupid. I got married in March to my wonderful husband and he has been the biggest supporter of helping me overcome being raped. I can handle the flashbacks dealing with him physically and verbally abusing me but rape is a whole different story. I have trouble having sex sometimes because I have endometriosis which swells the inside of my vagina, and makes it painful for a few seconds. Sometimes during that short two or three seconds of pain I envision my ex again, raping me. I get scared and my husband has to calm me down and stop me from freaking out and then start hitting him.
It took me until I met my husband to admit I was raped, and even now coming to grips with it is difficult. This is actually the first time I have officially blogged about being raped, I wrote the I'm not a victim blog, but never have I went into detail about being raped. The reason I wrote this is simple, rape fantasies are not normal, no one I don't believe would like to have someone put your hands behind your head hold you down and shove something in you that you don't want. It changed my whole life, and I hope that by reading this you understand that they are wrong, and that your not a victim because it happened. I had someone blame me because I shouldn't had worn what I wore that night. If you know someone that has fantasies about rape, let them read an account of what rape is like, or let them hear it first hand. Rape is scary, and it is dehumanizing to the victim. Rape fantasies are just that fantasies that should never happen.
Thoughts?
Comments (112)
Sorry, but I'm afraid I can't take a trip to this total drama island.
People
like rape fantasies because of a control issue. It has nothing to do
with the actual thing. There in my opinion is nothing wrong with the
people who are into that kind of thing, and I'm not gonna knock them
for it.
For instance, I have a friend who is absolutely CRAZY about
ladyboys. Do I think that's odd? Yes, very, but I realize that is what
he is into, and I'm not going to knock him for it.
In short:
What 2(or more) consenting adults do in the privacy behind closed doors, is none of my business.
people will fantasize what they fantasize. even feminists say it's alright. it's a fantasy. fantasy. not what they wish. they're different things. i don't give a shit what someone thinks about to get off, as long as they don't act them out. within certain parameters it's normal to have such fantasies.
Those who have "rape fantasies," really aren't fantasizing about rape.
If they want it to happen, it's consented usually, isn't it?
If people want to act out rape in thier bedrooms, it's a rough sex thing and really up to them. Are you going to pick on fetishes too?
I'm not saying rape is justifiable, but people rarely control their fantasies.
even after reading this, i fail to see the problem with a rape fantasy.
people just don't seem to understand, a rape fantasy isn't when some nasty old pervert drags you into the woods, beats you senseless and forces himself on you, or when a horny guy at the club drugs your drink, drives you back to his apartment and has sex with you and you wake up completely disoriented.
it's when one consenting person takes control of another consenting person. it's completely normal to fantasize about being taken advantage of by your partner, or taking advantage of your partner. it's not a "joke," nobody is making fun of rape or saying it's not horrible.
i'm sorry you had a bad experience, maybe rape fantasies aren't for you. but as long as there is consent between two people, i fail to see the problem.
People like what they like for their own reasons.
I agree. I'm sorry you have to remember things so vividly. I was practically an infant during mine. A few months shy of three. I hope someday you can live completely free of fear.
I don't think people with rape fantasies would condone downplaying someone who was raped. What is mean is: if someone like this type of fantasy, then that's their thing. It would be unlikely that they would expect others to have the same type of deal.
And, yes, rape fantasies are pretty common. That doesn't make them right or wrong; it just means that it is what some people like (well, at least in their heads).
I definitely feel for the victims of rape crimes...but these "rape fantasies" people are talking about arent rape at all considering they're mutual. I really think they need to come up with a better term to distinguish the extremities of the situation. I can understand and completely agree why you feel sensitive to the term, and I think it's something you should turn a blind eye to. People will misuse the term all the time, and there's really nothing you can do about it.
The people who choose to have these "rape fantasties" just want someone to control them beyond measure, it has nothing to do with the real event in most cases. Maybe some people really do want to get raped? I have no idea, I'm not into it, nor will I ever be. Just my .02
I understand that the idea of a rape fantasy seems absolutely horrifying to you because of your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that; however, I do feel that rape fantasies are up to the individuals involved if it appeals to them (certain rape fantasies can be warning signs though like the one described in the previous post).
I truly don't understand why someone would have actual rape fantasies taking it to the level described in the article you linked. I can't imagine wanting that. My worst fear is getting raped. If a person desires to be raped, I think it is perhaps arguable that what they want is instantly demoted from rape to something else, because rape is by definition UNwanted. When the victim is truly unwilling with all of their being, the consequence, as you too well know, is (aside from the emotional numbness and shock) terrible, at times overwhelming emotional and psychological pain. Rape is not just about physical pain. People call them rape fantasies and all that, they can imagine NOT wanting it, but they're wantingly imagining not wanting it, well... can we even call it rape then? And if so, I agree, they need to read about what rape is really like before following through with it. Nothing's wrong with envisioning some rough, surprising, or even painful sex or something, but if they go to the extreme of the girl in the other article by actually seeking a dangerous situation out, I (I know, it sounds kinda judgmental) really think they ought to educate themselves first. I agree with you. Read about the real thing, including the after effects, before getting too hot for it. Like I said, desiring to be totally controlled and roughed up is one thing, but that isn't real rape. If Hell froze over, there was peace and harmony in the Middle East, and I ever started to think actual rape would be desirable, I would be sure to take my own advice and look it up.
I feel very empathetic for people who have been raped and that an experience like this is hard to put down.
But I guess the fantasies these people seek are more along the lines of having rough sex, or to be taken advantage of in a controlled environment (e.g. a safety word). It's a fetish people experience, not totally a desire to get raped per se.
fantasy is fantasy. what CONSENTING ADULTS do is their business, and no one is in any place to judge them. rape fantasies and rape role play are not ACTUAL rape. no one is being hurt, and both parties are WILLING AND CONSENTING.
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that you were able to overcome it.
I'm sorry to hear your story, and I understand what drives you to feel so strongly against such a subject. It was wrong for your ex to do what he had done. However your opinion regarding the matter of rape fantasy, is only an opinion and I hope you understand everyone deserves the right to their own. I believe majority of those who fantasize about rape do not believe the act as a crime is acceptable in society, but only so between two lovers who are having fun role playing in the safety of their home with consent from each other.
I think these so-called rape fantasies are wrongly named. They're more like "rough sex" fantasies.
Close-minded people annoy me a bit.
That put aside, I think the thing to truly realize here is that "rape fantasies" are not at all about rape. Rape is just a prime example of what exemplifies the true sought after characteristics that are being injected into the fantasy. It's about power. Dominance. Control. To the person who fantasizes about being "raped", what they're really dreaming of is completely recklessly abandoning their body to another's whim, to relinquish a sense of control and just being powerfully taken.
I don't see anything wrong with that. Granted, in some cases this urge may become more extremist and border into an unhealthy desire for actual rape, but in those cases I'd question the mental stability of the person at hand. I don't think anyone's out to downplay the great impact of rape, but I do think people need to learn to keep a more open mind about other's desires. =D In my perspective, if it's not hurting anyone...why does it matter?
I understand your view on this,and I'm sorry you ever had to endure anything like that.
However, like many people above said I think the title in of itself "rape fantasy" is throwing some people off. Like someone else said it's generally not someone walking down a street looking to be picked up and raped by a random stranger (although there are people who have that kind of fantasy too, but that falls into a different category). Rape fantasies are usually women (sometimes men but more commonly women) who fantasize about their SO coming in and taking advantage of them, possibly with them resisting but being unable to stop it. It is not actual rape because both of the parties are enjoying it and wanting it to happen, hence it being a sexual fantasy. Also no physical or emotional damage is done to either party. Same with people who like to be choked during sex. I doubt these people like to go out and have random people just come up to them and start choking them, but in the comfort of their own environment with their SO they really enjoy the act.
@RebornFlames@xanga - Coulda saved myself the time of writing if I'd seen yours before I wrote mine heh,
Some of you people are a bit too attached to your "rape" fantasies.
@RebornFlames@xanga - I think "closed minded" is a bit harsh...She was raped, wouldn't you be sensitive over the issue too?
i don't think rape fantasies actually mean rape fantasies. its like they want to be completely dominated.
but i'm really sorry you had to go through that. you're lucky you have your husband to help you through it.
People don't ACTUALLY want to get raped. Rape, by definition, is something that they don't want. More, rape is used as a word for rough sex, role-playing, pretending you're wanted so badly that gentlemenliness is forgotten. Its about passion and control, finding and releasing ID (freud). It's not about going on the street and getting raped by some stranger... except by that crazy bitch who the last entry was about, who was actually trying to get into trouble with a stranger. That still isn't actually rape, however... that's rough sex with a stranger. In my opinion, she was an adrenaline junkie.
I sympathize with you, and I can understand that it would bother you... I'm glad you have someone you love to help you through it. I think you have to accept that other people desire things they can't fully understand. Like I said, they don't really want to be raped... that's a complete paradox.
I agree with you-rape is absolutely wrong. But I think, for most people anyways, there's a difference between rape and rape fantasies.How many people do you know who want unwanted sex? I know I don't want that. For me, I like the feeling of being overpowered. It's not like my bf is doing something I don't want. He just knows I like it a little rough sometimes. If he was doing something unwanted, well, we'd have a totally different story.
I just want to say that you have a lovely husband =]
I was going to type out pretty much the same thing that everyone else did:
I agree, rape is not something to joke about. However, in rape fantasies no one is actually being raped, it's completely consensual... etc.
Then I read the blog you were referring to. And you're right.. that is a bit odd. This person might actually have a problem if she wants someone to rape her. But yet, if she wants this, it's not considered rape is it? My guess is she'd feel a lot differently if it actually happened to her when she didn't expect or want it.