Saturday, 14 November 2009

• Surviving a Long Term Relationship

  Do you have what it takes?
  

  
  

  
  

  
  Long term relationships are funny creatures. They start out with such fire and spirit but over time will evolve into something entirely different. Do you have what it takes to make it last? Can you handle the challenge?
  
  1)    You must understand the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation.
  Being in a successful long term relationship requires that you are able to do things for your s/o without the immediate gratification of getting a reward for doing so. If you can handle not getting a cookie for every little good thing you do, you can handle a long term relationship.
  
  2)    You must be able to know when to compromise.
  Compromise comes easily for some, and is quite difficult for others. It’s deathly important to neither a push over nor a hard ass. Continuously compromising your needs for another will ultimately lead to unhappiness and resentment. Never compromising your wishes for your s/o just tells them that you’re always number one in your own mind. If this is the case, you need to re-evaluate the relationship. Compromise in a relationship is 100% necessary but both parties need to approach it with a yin & yang type philosophy. Maybe you’ll bend your will today, but eventually if the relationship is healthy, you’ll sway back and get your way in the future.
  
  3)    The wooing cannot stop.
  One of the biggest complaints that married women have, is that after marriage their man stopped doing the little things; the random gifts, the sweet notes, secret whispers. When a man marries a woman, she expects this to never end. For men, the reward is the marriage. He’s a cheetah that’s been chasing a gazelle across the Serengeti and finally he’s allowed to sink his teeth into his meal. It’s the chase that makes the wooing period interesting. So ladies, you need to motivate your man to continue to chase. What you do is up to you and the boundaries of your relationship, but if you want the relationship to last and be filled with passion the wooing can’t stop when you say “I do.”
  
  

  
  

  
  4)    Communication! Communication! Communication!
  This has been drilled into everyone’s head by now. Everyone knows that good communication is necessary for a relationship to work, but the problem is people don’t always know how to communicate on the proper level. Communication doesn’t just mean asking how your s/o’s day was, or asking what they want to eat for supper, or watch on TV. Communication with your s/o should be able to be deeper than anyone else on the planet. If you have a fear you s/o should know it. If you have a dislike, your partner should know. If you’re feeling upset about something your partner is doing, your partner should know. If you can communicate your needs, wants, desires, fears, and sorrows with your s/o, and they can do so with you…then there shouldn’t be any problem you can’t solve together.
  
  5)    Honesty and trust
  Honest and trust have to be listed together because they are so closely entwined. It is honesty and sincerity that leads to trust. So many relationships are destroyed by mistrust. This lack of trust or loss of trust is directly related to a lack of honesty. Don’t lie about who you are. Don’t pretend to be someone else so that your s/o will love you. Don’t say you’re going to do one thing and then do another. Be honest with your s/o. If you don’t like something they’re doing, tell them. If you like something but you are afraid to ask….you need to dig deep and ask. If you can’t be honest with the person you’re supposed to be closest to, you’re hurting yourself and the relationship.
  
  6)    Tame the green monster
  Jealousy is death to a relationship. If you know you’re a jealous person you must get this under control. More often than not jealousy is directly related to low self esteem. If you’ve got self esteem issues you need to work on them. Understanding your own self worth will empower you to control the monster. Also, you must realize that you’re not a weird crazy individual. If you find your s/o sexy, surely other people will as well and that’s not really a bad thing. The difference is that you have more of a connection to them. If the first 5 items of this list are in check, then the green monster has no food to sustain it.
  
  

  
  

  
  
  I’m not a relationship expert, but I have seen my share of both successful and unsuccessful relationships. These are what I consider pillars of strength to maintaining a happy and healthy long term relationship. Feel free to comment and add your own if you wish.
  
  Good luck!
  

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