Friday, 13 November 2009

• Holding Someone, or Just Simply, Something

  
  

  
  “Isn’t it better to hold a real person rather than a teddy bear or pillow?”
  
  Eight months ago, when I was asked this question, I said, “yes.” At a time of his loneliness and my emotional weakness, I made decisions I didn’t realize would haunt me for months afterward. For many afternoons after class was over, he would come over, and we spent afternoons lying in each other’s arms, cuddling. He made me laugh; he made me happy; he made me feel like there was nothing else in the world that could hurt me because it was perfect. I felt as if I could lay in my bed and laugh, forever, and with him by my side, I couldn’t have asked for more.
  
  Two weeks later, everything stopped. We went back to being friends, perhaps even more distanced than we were before. What happened?
  
  Summer passed. Our lives moved on in their different directions. I worked long hours and hung out with friends whenever I had the time. He went on with his own life, and our lives rarely ever crossed. In the fall, we were returning to the same university. We started spending more time with each other again. The questions and doubts from before were resurfacing.
  
  One morning, we were on the phone, probably due to obligation of unresolved issues, and he finally answered my questions.
  
  “I just figured we could be like those friends who are just really close to each other, you know?”
  
  In my mind, my doubts were quelled, but in my heart, I couldn’t understand how he could put his emotions at bay and be so unfeeling.
  
  Today, if you pose this question on me, I would say no, it is not better to hold a real person rather than a teddy bear or pillow.
  
  But this is where I get technical. The question only refers to “real person,” nothing more. So, as I reiterate, it is not better to hold a real person rather than a teddy bear or pillow. He would merely be a warm body to hold, to fill space, a void somewhere from within. Anyone to fill the space would fit the role. Interchangeable. The act would have no meaning. My teddy bear would mean more to me than just a random person; my teddy bear would symbolize something deeper than just something or someone to hold.
  
  On the contrary, if the question asked, “Isn’t it better to hold your husband, wife, or significant other rather than a teddy bear or pillow?” Then yes, my answer would be yes, and a million times yes. There is no doubt left in my mind, wondering what will happen the day after tomorrow, after all is said and done. There is no doubt of being replaced, treated merely as just another face on a body. There is commitment, pledging loyalty to one and one alone. And at the end of the day no matter how the day’s events unfolded, I can rest assured at night knowing someone loves me.
  
  My decisions eight months ago have still haunted me some nights when I feel as if his presence is there when in fact he is not beside me. The feeling of being held by someone you care about while knowing that everything is circumstantial and conditional still makes me uneasy.
  
  Was he wrong in his logic, or was I just crazy in believing he could possibly love me?
  
  Until the day comes, I will always pick the teddy bear over a “real person.”
  

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