“Isn’t it better to hold a real person rather than a teddy bear or pillow?”
Eight months ago, when I was asked this question, I said, “yes.” At a time of his loneliness and my emotional weakness, I made decisions I didn’t realize would haunt me for months afterward. For many afternoons after class was over, he would come over, and we spent afternoons lying in each other’s arms, cuddling. He made me laugh; he made me happy; he made me feel like there was nothing else in the world that could hurt me because it was perfect. I felt as if I could lay in my bed and laugh, forever, and with him by my side, I couldn’t have asked for more.
Two weeks later, everything stopped. We went back to being friends, perhaps even more distanced than we were before. What happened?
Summer passed. Our lives moved on in their different directions. I worked long hours and hung out with friends whenever I had the time. He went on with his own life, and our lives rarely ever crossed. In the fall, we were returning to the same university. We started spending more time with each other again. The questions and doubts from before were resurfacing.
One morning, we were on the phone, probably due to obligation of unresolved issues, and he finally answered my questions.
“I just figured we could be like those friends who are just really close to each other, you know?”
In my mind, my doubts were quelled, but in my heart, I couldn’t understand how he could put his emotions at bay and be so unfeeling.
Today, if you pose this question on me, I would say no, it is not better to hold a real person rather than a teddy bear or pillow.
But this is where I get technical. The question only refers to “real person,” nothing more. So, as I reiterate, it is not better to hold a real person rather than a teddy bear or pillow. He would merely be a warm body to hold, to fill space, a void somewhere from within. Anyone to fill the space would fit the role. Interchangeable. The act would have no meaning. My teddy bear would mean more to me than just a random person; my teddy bear would symbolize something deeper than just something or someone to hold.
On the contrary, if the question asked, “Isn’t it better to hold your husband, wife, or significant other rather than a teddy bear or pillow?” Then yes, my answer would be yes, and a million times yes. There is no doubt left in my mind, wondering what will happen the day after tomorrow, after all is said and done. There is no doubt of being replaced, treated merely as just another face on a body. There is commitment, pledging loyalty to one and one alone. And at the end of the day no matter how the day’s events unfolded, I can rest assured at night knowing someone loves me.
My decisions eight months ago have still haunted me some nights when I feel as if his presence is there when in fact he is not beside me. The feeling of being held by someone you care about while knowing that everything is circumstantial and conditional still makes me uneasy.
Was he wrong in his logic, or was I just crazy in believing he could possibly love me?
Until the day comes, I will always pick the teddy bear over a “real person.”
Comments (29)
Wow. Great post.
mmhmmm.
I think you both just went into the arrangement with different expectations. Waiting for the right one to come along takes time and often, it's filled with loneliness inbetween. When you're single, there are nights you wish you had some companionship and affection, even if it's not with the person you want to be with in a long term relationship.
It's not entirely uncommon for 2 lonely friends to be cuddle buddies as a temporary solution until they can both find a BF/GF. The problem arise when one person does find a GF/BF first and the cuddle buddy feels abandoned. The arrangement can be both pleasant and painful so you need to know what you're getting into.
agreeeeeed.
The warmth of another body only fills a void temporarily if there is no love involved. Once it's gone it rips open that void and makes it bigger in the long run. Sometimes I wonder how people can be that close without love being created for BOTH people. Sadly that often is not the case, sorry you had to go through it. Great post, it's beautifully written!
I feel for you, I really do. I hope you've started to heal from this experience. *hugs*
@ForbiddenIllusion@xanga - 'Sometimes I wonder how people can be that close without love being created for BOTH people.' --> I've asked the same question myself, and have yet to come up with a good enough answer. *sighs*
We all need physical touch from other people. It often leads to emotional closeness, but I guess he felt that that physicality was an urge fulfilled.
@Meowmeowkimmaee@xanga - Just about the same damn thing I was gonna say.
@SFPD_PursuitZ77@xanga - Took the words right out of your mouth.
Lots of people try to fill emotional voids with physical affection. Good for you for recognizing and keeping away from that mindset.
Mm, wonderfully written.
I think sometimes you just need a proper cuddle.
I do it alot during the week (only see my boyfriend at the weekend), because of going through rough times at home... You just need to feel that closeness to someone.
Hugging pillows and teddies, its okay and it feels nice for a while... but at the same time it feels... empty.
Hugging a person.... especially someone who you're very close to makes a lot of differrence.
It's hard to explain. It's like just from the hug that you get it shows how much that person cares.
Unless it's a ''fake hug'' like a really light one where you can tell its just an empty act?
Sometimes a good proper cuddle is all you need. Just that small yet incredibly significant intimacy makes so much difference.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Things happen and people just drift... It's a hard part of life that just sometimes has to be accepted. Although it was nice of him to be there for you... But i understand you needed to know where you stood with him. At least ot wasnt a casual ''friends with benefits thing''. He really seems to care - from what you've said.
xx
ugh. just another case of ppl afraid of commitment. maybe i'm just cynical, but it's just how i feel about this kind of stuff at the moment.
I love this.
I'd rather hold a teddy bear than someone who doesn't love me.
i was asking myself that the other too. conclusion- im going to get myself a puppy and he can cuddle with me every day and night when i get back home. biggest pro- my puppy will not talk back or break my heart =)
He wasn't wrong in his logic and you weren't crazy. You just developed feelings he didn't and assumed he felt the same.
It is better for me to hold a person than a teddy bear, but I am lucky, I have wonderful children that are always willing to hug and cuddle.
It wouldn't be the same if someone didn't care about me, unless of course I were in mourning.
I WOULD MUCH RATHER HOLD SOMEONE THAT I'M INVOLVED WITH EMOTIONALLY RATHER JUST 'CUZ I FELT LIKE CUDDLING AND I WAS FEELING LONELY AT THE TIME... CUDDLING ISN'T JUST CUDDLING IT BECOMES SOMETHING BIGGER... I LEARNED THAT SHIT THE HARD WAY!
This was nicely written... Both sad and cute. I understand that feeling. I am in a long distance relationship, so when I am away at school, I miss feeling that physical closeness terribly. It's amazing how much we crave it... To just be held... I love that feeling of being held by someone I care about. It makes me feel safe for once, like nothing can hurt any part of me at all. I wish all the very best for you that you get that closeness again. Until then, a teddy bear that means a lot to you is always a good substitute. I know mine always is. :)
He just didn't feel the same way. Some guys aren't ready to commit until long into their life.
:) idk why because I was ready the second I came out of the womb. I don't like being alone.
Very well said. I've often wondered if I should cave when guys want to just be cuddle buddies, or so they claim. Sometimes I long for that connection, even without the attachment of deeper feelings. But really, I know it's just playing with these feelings and the potential for more. Guys tend to move on from any feelings they had much easier than girls. With that type of physical connection, it's easy to become more attached and hope for more...but often lopsided.
didn't he love you, for a while? and wasn't that enough? why become resentful now? the moment was wonderful, wasn't it? maybe i don't know what i'm talking about, but i don't understand why anyone would become bitter after experiencing some great moment in their life with another person. just because the end hurt, doesn't mean it always will. why not be grateful for what was and look forward to the zillion other incredible experiences ahead?
I bought a teddy bear after my messy breakup last year at this time, and I LOVEEE it. It's softer more than my ex's skin could ever be and I know it'll never leave me ;P