Friday, 13 November 2009
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After a Break Up, Letting Go
Well, recently I became single again. Okay, not recently but almost 3 months ago. It has been difficult to say the least. For most of my life I have been the girl who stayed single mostly for the part that guys didn’t seem to really like me and I was shy to top it off. Eventually I found someone, it started off online and grew from there.This relationship lasted about a year and we had been talking for about two years previously. This relationship was my very first relationship. In some sense you could say the relationship was really special to me and I still care about him. I know I will have to move on with my life and get back out there because I can’t live my life stuck on someone, who wasn’t willing to fight for what he wanted in life.
Moving on would be so much easier if I knew which step to take next. It’s too soon to start dating again, but when I am ready to start I wouldn’t know what to do because I have never been on a dates with anyone I didn’t already know already and like. It’s daunting because for me it would be like a fish out of water. Even if I liked someone, I don’t know how I would ask them out because I’m afraid of that awkwardness of that situation.
How did you get over your first relationship or even past relationships? When did you start dating again?
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- From: Rainy_Day33@xanga
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Comments (27)
I move on knowing that a break up is the best thing that can happen to you. It means that you are free from a relationship that was not meant to be, no matter how much you think it was. Love does not mean a relationship is meant to last forever, it's based on a lot more than that. I use a split as an excuse to find myself again, re-evaluate what I want in a relationship, and see who else is out there. There is always another match, and the next one might be even better.
Why so focused on dating?
I say: just enjoy being single for now. It's been a year you said, so take this time to appreciate who you have become after this year long relationship.
Once you're comfortable with who you are, you'll automatically discovered you've moved on and will be ready emotionally to date again without stressing about it.
This is the time to figure out what you really want. You'll realize all the qualities that you want and which are most important in a partner. And then as you grow, you'll (probably) realize this person was never meant for you.
My first relationship...well, honestly I guess I don't really count the first one because it wasn't that serious. I count my "first relationship" as the guy I first loved, first had sex with, and first imagined the rest of my life with (We were engaged). I broke up with him and for about a month after we broke up we were still really close. Best friends really, until we had a huge fight and our friendship ended completely...even years later we still don't talk. It was so hard to get over and I made a lot of bad choices in order to get over him. I regretted letting him go and I beat myself up for hurting him the way I did. Instead of waiting it out and letting myself get over it with time, I dove right back into guys head first and went completely crazy. I guess it worked, but it wouldn't be how I'd advise everyone to do it. Break ups are complicated and they suck, I'm sorry that you're going through this, but everything works out in the end. :)
I'm currently in the process of getting over someone. I've been with her for almost 11 months, but we've done so much together that it makes it ore difficult to let go.
But what I can suggest to you when you start dating again is to just go for it. Be yourself, but don't reveal too much on the first date. Leave that mystery so they'll come back.
Oh and by the way, I think you're really pretty. Lol...not to sound weird or anything. =p
Year and a half later still stuck, so I can't tell you how I moved on. Although I just had this conversation with a friend of mine last night. If my advice worked for him I'll come back and let you know heh.
Good luck though, glad you at least realize it's not healthy to stay stuck where you are right now.
I am in the exact same position as you. First real relationship, knew him for two years, dated, then he broke my heart. Dating someone I don't know beforehand seems so awkward to me, too. Maybe it will get better? Hopefully.
"I can’t live my life stuck on someone, who wasn’t willing to fight for what he wanted in life..." --> love that line (:
I keep trying to move on, but I don't know what my first step is either (and it doesn't help that my ex keeps talking to me and dropping hints that he may still have feelings for me). But I agree with @tigerdauphin@xanga enjoy the single life first, find yourself again and then eventually when you least expect it, you'll find someone (:
Good luck!
i had my breakup a month ago. and its been pretty surreal. we dated for 2 whole years and it was my first serious relationship. well, the guy broke up my heart because he said itll hurt more when it ends later.
im in the process of moving on, and what i realise is,
at the very end of the day, you got to learn its just you in the end. and you got to love yourself and instead of finding that person to make you happy, you gotta learn to make yourself happy first.
and at the mean time, its nice to have people around. don't dive into any relationship with your emotional baggage still intact, have abit of fun, flirt a little, laugh a little, cry if you need to, weep if it helps.
slowly but surly, you'll move on.
just remember, you're not alone. (:
PS: i drove to his house, gave him back everything, and told him i don't want his "final" letter.
if you don't want him in your life anymore, make sure u cut him out. don't let hope linger. don't look back, unless the view is great.
My ex, broke up with me several times...I was stupid enough to go back to him (It was my first ever relationship...) It was not a good relationship, but I didn't see it till I was out of it, and looked back on it.
The first time he broke up with me was because he was leaving for the Fire Academy and he was "too stressed" (Douchebag flag!)
I was so upset I didn't eat for 3 days, and when I did, I'd get sick. My doctor ended up putting my on Anxiety Meds because I needed to calm down...i weigh 120, and I had lost 13 pounds in 2 weeks...it was really bad...
Minus that.
He broke up with me again, claiming he was too stressed...whatever...I actually was ok...Minus the fact that he would call me and ask me if I was seeing anyone or if I had "been" with anyone...which I said was none of his buisness...than I come to find out that the girl whom was a really good friend, and who helped me get over him, and said how much better I deserved...was dating him...DoucheBag, and Douchebagette.
He would randomly "check up" on me...from time to time, asking what he could do to make things better and I'd simply say...nothing, except to leave me alone...
Than in May, he drove the half hour out of his way to leave pictures of us that he had on my car...which was kind of creepy.
I made the mistake of having a rebound, and I actually think I broke thier heart over it...him and I are friends now, but at the time I felt terrible. Stay away from them. Go out with friends and enjoy the single life...You will know when you want to start dating again...don't force it on you...I started dating 5 months after my last relationship, and the relationship I am in now, we are going on 8 months, and I could not be happier...love will find you when you least expect it.
I'm in the same situation as you right now. Almost three months ago too.
Just go with the flow.. If he really likes you, he'll lead the way....
My first relationship meant nothing to me. It was a juvenile attempt at acting older than we were. We were friends and toted the "dating" title as a way to say we were best friends and no one could interfere.
My first MEANINGFUL relationship left me depressed and empty. It was almost two years long. It took two months to even be able to pretend I was okay and another four to actually be okay.
Time is the only cure, you can distract yourself but never actually speed the process of moving on.
Be strong and have faith that eventually it will be fine.
@tigerdauphin@xanga - I agree. Try not to think that you need to get back into the dating scene before you've evaluated yourself after this relationship. I like to think about what I've learnt from it, what I'll change, and what will make me a better person. When you give yourself time, you really do naturally find that you move on alright and before you know it you're back in the scene.
Time to focus on yourself.
i agree with all other comments above. I had similar experience. it was my first date and we finally broke up probably same reason you guys went through. we fought and said good bye. a week or two later, of course, he called me and I intentionally missed his call. looking back on it, i think it was the smartest thing i ever done in my life. If i got it and back in to the same old relationship there would never better me and honestly i wouldnt meet my currently wonderful husband. For him( for your ex ) too walking out of that game and nonsense. I think when you let someone go you gotta do it completely and neatly.
@tigerdauphin@xanga - not exactly focused on it, just weary of it. I am in the stage where im evaluating it because im not that confident of a person at this moment, never said i wanted it... lol but i undersatnd i do need to back off of it and just let things be
@LauraG0929@xanga - hey thanks lol for both of your comments. Your profile pic is really awesome :)
@yy92@xanga - yeah, i want all my shit sorted out before i drag someone in lol thats really goo advice :)
personally i just want to give all his stuff back and kick over his dusbins :P haha thanks for everyones comments and advice
I just got out of my first relationship, too. I dated this guy for 10 months, broke up for 3 weeks, and we were back together for two more months. After that, we were dating off and on for about 9 months until he officially and completely broke it off last month. It was devastating. He was the closest I'll ever find in a guy to meet my lofty expectations. ...It's hard to meet Christian boys who don't take sex so lightly in the nation's biggest drinking college.
But the truth was, he treated me HORRIBLY. And I'm just now beginning to realize that maybe I shouldn't allow myself to be treated so miserably in order to be with someone who meets my requirements. My standards have changed now, but only slightly. So now, I've been putting myself out there and meeting new people. I'm certainly not ready to date anyone yet. I just don't know any of these new friends well enough to do so, but that's the first step. MAKE NEW FRIENDS! That's how you get back in the game. I'm shy, too, but if you pick up a new hobby, sport, or job, you're bound to meet new people and they will talk to you. And finding something new to immerse yourself in is also beneficial for the moving on part of breaking up. (:
I highly suggest reading "it's a break up not a breakdown." it even has a corresponding work book, if you choose to buy it. I like it more than the actual book itself. it's a lot of fun to read, especially if you participate in all of its activities. And now I'm pretty sure I wrote a comment longer than your blog, haha, oops :X
like you, i am a shy person, and guys didnt exactly gravitate towards me. lol and like you, my first boyfriend i met online, but i had known/talked to him for about a year and a half before we got together. the distance was a major factor in our relationship, but we were determined to work hard at keeping it alive .. well, i was. sure, at the start, everything was great, and i believed that i loved this guy. he was the only love i ever knew, so to me, it was love. but as the months wore on, i felt like it was in a one-sided relationship as he rarely communicated his true feelings and alot of mixed signals were going on. i was basically putting in most of the effort, when it really should have been a give & take thing. anyway, towards the end he sort of .. closed up. he didn't know what he wanted, and i wasn't willing to put my heart on the line. and so, i chose to end it. and boy did it hurt afterwards. in the end, i put on a sad song (our song) and cried my eyes out. i mean, this was months after our break up. i didnt cry at the time, because i was all spent. i'd cried enough over him, i'm not doing it again, but it was what i needed.
anyway, lucky for me, i found the man of my dreams at work haha
when i stopped looking, he found me.
and things just fell into place.
you'll know the feeling when it happens to you. stop trying/looking.
that's probably the best advice i can give lol
good luck hun! :) xx
i am still moving on, or trying to after a year since my first real relationship...it was complicated. I have to cope with the loss every single moment...it makes it almost - unbearable...so, I found study, reading, and writing to be the most appropriate form of leisure...
Still sucks...it really does.
i was in a relationship for a year off and on. while i was dating this guy i was addicted to drugs and drinking every night. i cheated on him and lied and all i could focus on was my next fix. in the end i told him i didnt want to speak to him ever again. i was too scared of admitting i loved him. When i talked to him after he told me he loved me and i hurt him more than anyone ever had or could. I think about him everyday and regret every decision i made that hurt him. we still talk but its not the same. I cant let go either. but sometimes you have to follow your heart and understand whats for the best. Im not ready for a serious relationship and i cant keep dragging him along, no matter how much i love him. you have to find happiness in yourself in order to truly move on. and be alright on your own.
Wow, everyone here has such great responses! I agree wholeheartedly with all of them.
I think the worst part of a breakup is isn't the heartbreak - it's what you're going through. It's breaking the relationship habit. It is so difficult to find yourself after a breakup and figure out where to go. But remember - you had a life before him and you were just fine. You will be fine again.
The things that really help me get through a breakup are hanging out with my girlfriends who have also been through a painful breakup (the more recent, the better, misery loves company), spending time with family, and doing things that really take my mind off of it. Personally, I like to start a new book series or watch the entire run of my favorite shows. (Grey's Anatomy really helps when I'm heartbroken, for some reason.) There's also a book out there called "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken." It's by Greg Beherendt (sp?) and his wife Amira, and it is the best relationship book ever written.
In all honesty, I promise you will feel better sooner than you think. It's painful and difficult, but you'll get through it. And don't date until you're really ready. There's no time limit on when to start dating again. Its different for everyone. And if you do it before you're ready, it won't make you (or the poor guy who you may hurt) feel any better.
Good luck, we're all here for you!
You take all the time you need. Just as long as you're really taking the time vs. doing so because you're too shy to get back out there.
I WAS 19 WHEN I HAD MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP I HELLA DID NOT KNOW HOW BREAK UPS GO AND I WENT CRAZY THINKIN' I'MA DIE ALONE... BUT FOR ME AFTER ALL THE TRAUMA AN DRAMA I WENT THROUGH I JUST MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF I'M GOING TO BETTER MYSELF AND DO ME FOR AWHILE AND LEARN ABOUT MYSELF MORE BEFORE I GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP... I'M 23 NOW... MY LIFE IS TOO HECTIC TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS WE'VE BEEN NO STRINGS ATTACHED... THAT'S ALL I CAN HANDLE ANYWAYS... IF YOU'RE NOT READY TO DATE YET THEN YOU'RE NOT READY DON'T PUSH YOURSELF JUST FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND DO YOU AND WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY GO FOR IT... EVERYTHING TAKES TIME TO HEAL...
It's been 5 months since my ex-bf and I broke off our 2 and a half year relationship and it's still kind of hard. Right now, I'm going at my own pace and that's perfectly fine for me or for anybody else in these situations. of course I'm swearing off relationships and the intensity/complexity/hurt surrounded by them, but if something great comes along, I would give it a chance because who knows, they might be the one who's going to make me happy for the rest of my life. Haha it's cliche-sounding and a very hypothetical state because right now I just go out with my girlfriends, have fun, absorb all the eye candy out there, and stay positive and happy with myself. Just getting out of a relationship is hard; you have to go back to just loving and thinking about only yourself, which is TOTALLY what it should be, there's nothing selfish about it. One time I told my friend "I want a new boytoy." and she responded,
"Why? A man will find you when you're focused on being Ms. Fab and
having fun." and it is soo true! You focus on yourself and be the best
you can be and that special someone will come to you.
Listening to moving on/empowering themed music really helps take your mind off of things and puts how you should be feeling into perspective also. These are some really good ones! Mary J. Blige says it the best! The song is so upbeat and positive...I love it! When I feel the negative, empty emotions creeping back, I put her song on and my attitude changes instantly.
Gotta Get My Heart Back - Keyshia Cole
I Look So Good Without You - Jessie James
Just Fine - Mary J. Blige
Thank you for posting this. I've been waiting to see a "letting go"
and be stronger people from it!
type of post on Datingish...one that EVERYONE can relate to. And
everyone who has commented has given similar, but great advice! It's
still kinda tough after 5 months, but after reading all the comments,
it feels so good to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through
the pain, and that all of us WILL heal
@suggestivetongue@xanga, @tigerdauphin@xanga, @Fairywife@xanga - I like that attitude!! It's a hard thing to see and accept at first, but once you break through the depths, we realize that we've come so far and can grow and learn so much about ourselves!
my relationship lasted for two years and it has been three months since the break up, i find myself surrounded with good friends that actually cares about you and just being productive. I tend to focus in school more and just move on with my life because its not worth it. Just think to myself that i am free from all the stupid arguments which is good. Even thou you do miss the relationship, you'll eventually find someone else special that love you for who you are, understands you, and cares about you. Love takes time and be patience about it.