Thursday, 12 November 2009
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Have You Gone Back to a Cheater?
"Steve" and "Sarah" has been together for as long as I can remember. They were the "on and off" couple that everyone was aware of and wonder why they were together despite all their differences. You see, Steve has been cheating on Sarah for the past year or so that I've known of. She has her own suspicions and when she came to ask me, I told her straight up that Steve was cheating on her. She did her homework and indeed found out that he was and had the evidence to prove it in case Steve tries to deny it. When she did confront Steve, he didn't deny it. He told her he was cheating on her.. with more than one girl (that I did not know of). They talked about it and they came to a conclusion that maybe they weren't meant for each other and it's best if they went their separate ways.
A couple of days later, Sarah came back to tell me that despite what Steve did to her, she wanted him back. The thing is, Steve had already made it loud and clear to her that 1) he did not want to be with her and 2) he wanted to be with one of the girls that he has been cheating on her with because he may possibly love her.
So, my question is, why do Sarah or anyone in that matter want to go back with someone like Steve who had admitted to cheating and chose to be with another at the end? Why would she or anyone put themselves in such a vulnerable position?
Do you not realized your self worth? That you deserve better?
I'm all for second chances, but c'mon. The man does not want you! He does not respect you! He don't see you worthy enough to be with him!
Have you ever gone back to be with a cheater and why did you? Please enlighten me!
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Comments (48)
Almost every weekend. Friggin baggers....what ya gonna do?
Never did, never will. Told my husband that absolute dealbreakers are as follows: cheating, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or any abuse directed at any future children.
Some people swear they can work past it...and that's great for them.
But I value myself too much to do that. I think that's lower than low, and though I MIGHT be able to forgive, I would not be able to forget, and that would inevitably destroy the relationship even further. It's not worth my time. I have very simplistic expectations from my relationship (and those in the past): Be honest with me. If you are unhappy, tell ME, not some bar skank or old friend or god forbid ex girlfriend. I would rather know that you are unhappy and part of you feels like cheating, and work on the issues than to find out that the deed has been done.
I have. I was young and stupid. He ended up dumping me. We got into an argument because he wanted to go skating with two of the whores he cheated on me with. Gahh I was dumb. I'm never putting up with that again.
Baffling. Maybe because they're stupid, desperate, in denial, or all three.
I'm not weak enough to.
You can try to fix things with them and try to make them who you thought they were all you want, but it won't change a thing. They still did it, they still don't deserve you, and you still need to move on.
in your friend's situation, i would advise that she does not try to get back with her boyfriend. especially since he shows no interest in her.
in other people's cases though..if they can forgive a cheater, and really move on with their relationship, why shouldn't they? doesn't it show that they are a big person if they can try to look past that? people make mistakes.
i tried getting to make things work with my ex after he cheated on me. it didn't work out, but the problem was we both had a lot of growing up to do. if my boyfriend now were to cheat on me, well, i'd be VERY pissed to say the least. but since i really love him, i'd try to work past it.
Yes, unfortunately. However, he never physically cheated on me. I guess that's what made it a little easier. He was flirting heavily and exchanging provocative pictures with many girls online. Most of them were exes or ex flings. The first time(I know right.. I gave him three chances), my best friend was actually going through a similar situation with her boyfriend at the time. Not cheating, but he lied to her pretty badly. So she talked me down and helped me figure it out. Mostly, I lost my virginity to him and I wanted so badly to make it work. The second time was not too long after, but I was living with him and I kind of felt like it was the only option to make. The third time I didn't care, I was absolutely done. Good thing the house we and a few friends were renting was put up for sale and we all had to leave. I actually had to switch rooms with someone else for a while before I finally was able to move out though.
So my reasons... Probably, no, absolutely if he had physically cheated, I would have been gone. But since it was all online bullshit, it was easier for me to try to forgive and forget. But I never actually did during the three years we were together. It was a huge mistake, but then on the other hand I don't regret it. If I had broke it off, I wouldn't have gone to the college I went to or be with my current boyfriend. So it all worked out for the better in the end.
But still, a lesson well learned.
i did once and it's the only time i'll ever do it... but i believe everyone deserves a second chance. he slept with another girl, only once, because he had had waaaay too much to drink (which was another issue...). not only did he beg me to take him back, but he got all of our mutual friends on his side. as far as i know he's been faithful since, but he's not getting anymore second chances.
and i can't stand when people say "i'll never take back a cheater" because you really don't know, until you're put in that situation, whether you will take said cheater back or not. it all depends on the circumstances of the situation.
@soyeahthatswhathappened@xanga - I agree.
It's really a case-by-case scenario. But in your friend's case, she needs to give up; he doesn't want her back, so it's not going to work no matter what she does.
@revealingimperfections@xanga - I'll never take back a cheater, and yes, I have been cheated on, so yes, I do know what it's like. I did not stay.
@silverlocket_88@xanga - Somebody finally said it. Love isn't always pretty and cut off clean when something like this happens.
@KillerKitty78@xanga - Love made people weep and do things that were irrational. Been there.
no. i refuse to give second chances. my pride is too big.
No.
The reason that anyone would rather go back to "the cheater" is simply the fact that s/he (that is, he or she) has sexual issues. In other words, s/he might be either sexual dependent, meaning that particular person brought a lot of sexual pleasure to him/her, or s/he is just insecure.
Now I've never cheated on my wife, so I would not know whether or not I am right. However, I do know that a person can be dependent upon another person sexually. The reason for this is because they have a -- more or less -- different feeling for "the cheater." The feeling, in a sense, is a love that cannot be returned. "The cheater" may not return this feeling because it blocks all windows for possible cheating. So, the person who is being cheated on does NOT realize that s/he deserves better.
The problem with these situations is that people don't look at the situation in third person. They are so blinded by their emotions that they are unable to think straight. I was in mad in love with this one boy, but when he changed for the worse and everything I did couldn't save him, I knew it was time to get THE HELL out of there. It took me a while to realize it, and the experience was traumatic, but I'm very glad I broke up with him and kicked him out of my life. It's going to hurt, but if she wants to preserve herself and continue to grow as a person, she's going to have to break things off with him. It's clear that he doesn't want her anymore, and she will, to put it bluntly, just have to suck it up.
Even if we think that she shouldn't go back to him because he doesn't respect her, surely there must have been something that happened between them that caused her to want him back. =/
Seems like if he has commitment issues, she's a lot better off without him. Especially since he voiced his desire not to be with her.
I spent two years doing it. It's not worth it.
Never have. Once you cheat on me, the trust is gone and that is something that is essential for ppl in a relationship. Ppl go back because they dont think that there is anything better for them and so they want to remain with what is safe [to them]. I just cant do it.
uhm, been there done that. its more of a habit. you give your whole heart to someone, never expecting them to rip it apart like that...and then they do. its also about comfort - you've been with that person for so long and they know so much about you. theres history. i went back to a guy who cheated on me 4 times until i realized it was a mistake. yeah...sometimes it takes a few tries before you realize hey...we're not meant to be, and i meant nothing to him.
Considering it was a few days later it was probably due to her rush of emotions in the circumstance. Usually when people leave or break up they go through this deal where after a few days they start to wonder if they made the right choice. They start to justify any of the problems the relationship may have had and think maybe it's ok to get back together. If she can wait 6 months while trying to move on and stiill wants him back it's because she really loved him. Although in that situation where the guy cheated on her for a year with multiple people and is going after someone new now there's no real point in her still wanting him back. Not that I can't completely understand her feelings.
I have and it was only because I was young and insecure and thought I needed him.
Then I wise up!
I think the reason she wants him back is, because she doesnt want to be alone, and she only knows him and no one else at the moment. I think that's generally how human nature is for those who dont have the strength to walk away. They continue to harm their own emotions, because that's the only thing they know at the time. That's not to say there's no hope. If they learn that theres bigger and better out there, they'll come to understanding that they were being stupid about the situation. Personally? I would give the person one chance, and only one chance. I do believe people can change for the better if they truly expressed their remorse, and made the effort to change my mind to win my trust back. They say a cheater will always be a cheater, and that might be true, but I guess you'll never know unless you experience it for yourself.
@tigerdauphin@xanga - yep you just proved what I said...SWEET
no matter how many times you tell the girl that she's stupid. That she's throwing away her pride and self respect for herself, she's still going to love him.
Let her make her own mistakes and pray that you're smart enough to not do the same.
There's people who can't help how they feel so they follow their heart instead of their head.
It hurts...it really does.
I was one of those girls but now i'm single and better. You feel like you accomplish something when you finally let go of that worthless being.