Thursday, 12 November 2009

  • Is There Such Thing as "Passive Love?"


    There's this guy who I've mentioned several times named Drew. He's my best friend in the entire world. I would trust him with anything. He never fails to make me laugh. He's always there for me. But me and Drew have a very complicated history.

    We met when I was 17. A mutual friend introduced us and we just clicked. For me, it was the only time I've ever come close to "love at first sight." I actually text my friend and told her I met the guy I was going to marry. We were together for about a month when circumstances made it so we had to break up. I was devastated. A few months later, we were still close and I was still in love with him. I asked him to take my virginity. He did so, although he no longer had feelings for me.

    We remained friends. Soon, I started dating someone else. We both moved on. Less than a year after we met, he dropped off the face of the earth. He wouldn't answer my phone calls or messages, so eventually, I bitterly gave up on him and admitted that I had made a mistake. In January of this year, almost a year after he disappeared, I got a phone call. He told me he missed me and apologized for everything. He said he felt so guilty about what had happened that he had to go away to deal with it. It took a while, but we resumed our friendship.

    Over the past 3 or 4 months, we've been especially close. He's the only person I know that I can call at 3 am if something's wrong. He'll listen to me without question and talk me through whatever is wrong. I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else from home- at least 3 or 4 times a week. Saturday night, he called me at 10:30 and we talked until almost 4 am.

    I realized the other day that I am "passively in love" with him. That's the only way I know how to describe it. It's not a burning desire to be with him. It's not something I absolutely have to tell him. It's just there. I know that, if he asked me to marry him today, I would say yes with no hesitation. I've never met another guy that I could say that about. But I also know that I could just as easily go through life with him as my best friend.

    Do you think it's possible to be "passively in love" with someone? Or will those feelings just grow stronger and more complicated?

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Comments (41)

  • blufrogz37@xanga

    Yes. I think it's possible to be 'passively in love' with someone else. 
  • Shopgirl0393@xanga

    Maybe you should talk directly to him about all this--since yall seem to have such good communication already, you deserve to know where he stands in this matter..especially after all you've been through. Then you can move forward together with him or else move on & open your mind/heart to someone else, depending on his response. Wish you the best.
  • yukarimayhem@xanga

    Yeh I think you can stay passively in love
    but only for so long
  • zxzeebrastar@xanga

    I think it's possible~
  • broknheartshurt@xanga

    i think it's possible; however, i also believe that those feelings will get stronger, and possibly more complicated :) id say talk to him about it...
  • dancesmilelaughwithme@lovelyish

    it sounds...boring.
  • AznFier@xanga

    @dancesmilelaughwithme@lovelyish - No kidding, sounds like an elevated best friend relationship.
  • IronicBox@xanga

    I don't think you truly love anyone if you can just stop loving them. I think most people who are truly in love with a person continue to be as you said passively in love with them. I have two exes the only two I believe I ever really loved that I will always love, but not to the point where I'd be with them again because I know it wouldn't work. I learned this the hard way when I tried to make it work with one of them again, but I understood what we had was special and wasn't going to happen again at least not with her.

    It doesn't mean your not over them. It just means what you had was special and it's not something the heart can forget. I'm in love with someone new now, but I'll always have feelings for those other two people one of which I dated three years ago and one I dated six months ago. We love each other, but we're happy to see each other happy and with other people. Knowing we gave it our best shot I think is all we need and the fact we're still so close.
  • BlehhItsTu@xanga

    You must be that close to him. (=
    It's nice to be in love, to the point you're comfortable enough around him.. And he's probably the perfect partner for you. Ah, you're so lucky!
  • ForeverLove_xx@xanga

    I think its kind of sweet and comforting. Although those feelings probably will become stronger. I know what you mean though, I've felt like that before, and yeah...feelings got way more intense.
  • jeezshoua@xanga

    There is and it is possible for you to grow onto him or her but wouldn't it be better if you were with someone that you have that burning desire to be with?  I rather choose that than the passive love you're talking about any day because what if one day, you do meet someone that you do have that burning desire to be with?  Mmmm.  Temptations roll around the corner waiting to be played with.
  • DarmanAO@xanga

    I think this seems to be the happening thing recently. I just moved down from college and felt that I would pick things up with the only person I ever loved. However, despite the love still being there, things didn't go according to plan and I feel this has to be a case of delayed "passive love." She is in an unhealthy relationship and needs me to be a friend, but at the same time we won't allow ourselves to become close friends in fear of having to address the huge elephant in the corner of the room staring at us both. And I completely agree with the "marry at the moment" concept, but does that window ever start closing? What happens when you find someone else and "passive love" starts complicating things? Furthermore, -- now playing devil's advocate -- what would you have to do in order to put an end to "passive love?" (on both ends of the spectrum) How do you respond to someone ending your "PL" or how do you end the "PL?"

  • xbreak_dance_NOT_hearts19X@xanga

    This reminds me of myself, and it scares me, because I don't really want that with this certain person I am thinking of.


    Because, similar to your friend, he also dropped off the face of the earth.


    And I don't think he'll ever return.



    But anyway, this abstract concept, for lack of a better phrase, sounds quite plausible - for a time being. It seems like something that will grow more complicated.
  • where_are_my_fritos@xanga

    Yes.  And I like your term to describe it.  
  • lovezpassion@xanga

    I believe its possible. Thanks for the post. I empathize with you as I've been through similar feelings
  • yewskinnymuhfukas@xanga

    yes.
  • gmx0@xanga
    Yes, but he disappeared because you sold your virginity cheaply. Men would think you to be a whore after that.
  • dearFLOPPY@xanga

    its possible to be passively in love with someone, but you should becareful - what if he does it to you again? are you even considered together with him at the moment..?
  • JusticeCho@xanga

    Yeah possible, but it will probably grow stronger over time.  Or it may just fade away completely.  I doubt it will stay at the same level for a long time though.
  • randomchild_and_honeyfountain@xanga

    yeah it most likely wont stay at the same level of affection .. =/ for me it didnt and now well yeah were still 'close' but we both know thers tons of emotions under everything that were not talking about, and we would always tell eachother pretty much anything but not anymore =/
  • lot223@xanga

    i think it's more likely to grow stronger which could cause problems later.
  • AmandaBobN@xanga

    yes! I think a lot of us have felt the same way before.


    I hope it all works out for you :)
  • pockypoppy@xanga

    That type of feeling, I had the same thing. I thought I could go on in life, happily being his best friend. Then, a couple years later, [well, this year,xD], when he met another girl, who basically seemed perfect, and became almost as close to her too, and I realized he probably had feelings for her even though he didn't know it, it got a little painful. It still is. But, meh. What can ya do.

    So basically, yes. I believe you can passively be in love.
  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga

    i used to have that, with my once best friend who had a gf at the time, and i really didnt think i had a crush on him, just that he was really awesome and fun to talk to always, but then they broke up and we've been mad dating for a year and half now... so THOSE feelings intensified. however, i've had crushes that lingered on other friends before, that i never cared to elevate to anything- i think i still keep some crushes in my heart, just as friends. the feelings aren't going to go away, and i'd rather have friends than awkward misery or lose the people completely, know? and i truly love my boyfriend in a deeply different sense. - tho i wouldnt doubt he has some "friend crushes" of his own :) he used to tell me about the girls he thought about before there was any chance of us getting together. i know them all, they're all cool, he hasnt mentioned such thoughts since our passion exploded, but its prob something thats still there. love, life, people. its how it rolls, i think.
  • UKNOW_me2@xanga

    it seems like youre attached to him. this could either be bad or good depending on how things go. bad cause you could get even more attached to him, could have more feelings for him and possibly be obsessed. good because you know there will always be someone there for you and you will feel secure.

    but if he is not liking you in that way and finds a gf cause nothing is happening between you two, dat can be a real heart break... so you should be careful. you shouldnt stay attached/"passively in love" with someone forever cause you will get your heart broken. he will find someone eventually, it may be you or it may be someone else. 

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