I'm pretty serious about relationships. I play for keeps. My past relationships, in their failing, have helped me to identify qualities in women that I find attractive (to avoid further failing). I guess one of them is what I call "having it together." She knows who she is, is secure in her identity, and it is independent from how she relates to me. Mentally, emotionally, and socially, she doesn't need me. I would like a girl who can stand on her own, so that we can relate as equals. And I hate that I'm a sucker for being needed, because I've been used for that in the past. I want more to be liked because of who I am, not because I'm needed. I want to like somebody because of who she is, not because I need her. The ideal is that we're together by choice.
But isn't the point of marriage (and to a lesser extent all other relationships) that the two become one and are greater than the sum of their parts? Isn't marriage about sharing and supporting one another through the pleasures and pains of life, the joys and the heartaches? Isn't love about sacrifice, giving up yourself? To some extent, we're all constantly undergoing revision as to who we are, how we relate to people, how we deal with crises. None of us can avoid crises... and most of us aren't strong enough to face those moments without depending on others. Sometimes those crises arise in, during, or because of the relationship, and the two people need to stick together, not break apart. We're all works in progress, as much as we prefer to only be with people who are finished products. If we were all complete in ourselves, then why doesn't it feel that way after separating from a significant other or good friend?
I'd like to think love itself fundamentally changes people, and you've already become a different (and hopefully better) person for having met the other person. Not just in romance, but friendships as well. Or maybe I'm just a total sap.
Your thoughts? Have you ever been with somebody who didn't "have it together?" How did that turn out? What's the difference between the first and second cases? Is it just that one is "closer to completion" than the other, and if so, is it a critical difference? More broadly, is it foolish to think some are more "eligible for relationships" than others?
Unfettered_Mind@xanga
Comments (14)
I think everyone needs someone, to some extent. I don't know that it's healthy at either extreme -- it's not realistic, for me at least, to try and rely on no one but myself, because I do realize that I need people. Their support & love help me make it through the day.
In my mind, a person should strive for a balance between needing someone and having it together.
i agree with steph above, there has to be some need between the two of you because otherwise you are not a couple... the need to be together has to trump all others, and also there has to be a level at which a person relies on their SO for help or knowledge that the SO has that maybe someone else doesnt. i think it is more understanding the needs of the person more then anything... there are times where i need my gf to be around to help me through something and she needs me to help her with something, but over all we are independent and yet we still need each other, we are best friends, and thus the need is greater because to be best friends the level of being able to turn to someone for advice and help when needed. i think you need to explore why you allow yourself to be attracted to girls who are needy and want to cling (i think is the better term for you). there is a difference in my mind between clingy and needy... but that may just be me...
my ex was over clingy and also needy, needy for self-esteem reasons.. you can know who you are, and be confident with yourself... you can be happy with yourself but still need to be near to someone for everything... its sometimes natural
People who "have it together" are obviously the better choice because they don't use you as a crutch (no one likes being used).
But the problem with those kinds of people is that they usually don't let anyone else help them and tend to push others away because "they have it together."
Still, these are the people who are more able to change, I think, and have a leg-up on the people who are still "works in progress."
I believe most, if not all, of us are "works in progress." Some more than others. Of those who are, I think some are better prepared for relationships than others, for various reasons. Sometimes said reasons can be as simple as life circumstances. (Example: I don't consider myself ready for a relationship at this moment, because I have yet to fully put away a relationship from the past. Even when that time comes, I'm not naive enough to assume that I have everything together, so while I'll then be ready, I'll still be a "work in progress.")
amen to that.
not saying i have it together. just some of us have it more together than others.
I definitely don't have it together, lol. Does anyone, really? And I find that when dating, other people are willing to work you but only so far. After a point they give up and that, well, is sad.
And I don't think some people are more eligible for relationships, just that some people may be more open to love or more open to accepting other people and to have other people accept them. Hmmm
I do not think anyone needs anyone.
I believe someone should be able to live a life of independence and that we are a finished product.
However, when we are in a relationship we do not better ourselves, but our relationship. The relationship is the new product. Instead of learning to take care of ourselves again, we are learning to take care of each other.
A person should not date a person who is independent because you lose the want to take care of a person and end up needing to take care of a person which will leave you burdened.
Happiness in a relationships comes from wanting to make the other person happy, not from providing for your significant other.
I dont have it together I think...yet I'm still in a relationship but to be honest youre right I notice I get lost alot. I wish I am thats why my love life is pretty complicated.
I agree. I think you need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for a relationship, and that yes, people who do already know more about themselves are more attractive (to me anyway).
I can relate fully. As for thinking some people are more "eligible" for relationships, I agree. There's so many different types of people. That's why we need to be even more thankful when we find that "other half".
I totally agree that love changes you. This past summer i was dating someone and i was very much smitten with him. we felt the same about each other , but i had to head back to school early for sumer school, and when we went back to college (we go to the same school), he was a totally different person. he basically didn't have his shit together, and he pretty much told me to stop trying to be his friend by making it nearly impossible to spend time & communicate with him. (long story). needless to say, his actions hurt me a lot, but i mean, even if he did "have it together" i don't think he'd be the same person that i was in love with. i feel like we're all broken people in some way.
i don't think i've ever been with anyone that "had it together". it just seems to be that i tend to fall for the most socially awkward boys. :/
Very insightful. I think that when two people "have it all together" before dating, the relationship is usually stronger. Knowing yourself entails knowing what you like, what you dislike, and what you expect from a partner. It also encompasses being able to understand your emotions and needs, and communicating them effectively to your partner. Those are the parts of knowing yourself that will really help a relationship, but there's so much more to knowing yourself than just that: knowing your place in society, what type of friend/lover/family member you are, what you do for a living, how you live, what your interests are, what your long-term goals are, your morals/religion, your political opinion, etc. I'm not sure where I am on the spectrum from "work in progress" to "finished product".... I have felt myself fluctuating between them in the two years I've been with my boyfriend. I think that people are too complex to ever truly be a "finished product". This will inevitably change throughout different stages in life. For example, when I moved across the country I definitely became more of a work in progress: I had lost all my friends and my familiar environment, and I had to learn how to re-develop my social life, and how I fit in my new city. And when I quit my job, that introduced other uncertainties in me, and I had to re-explore who I am professionally and what I wanted to do with my life.
Being an independent and holding onto one's individuality within a committed relationship is healthy. However, to insist that there is absolutely no need of the other person, in my humble opinion, is not.
At some time in every person's life, that person is going to need someone. Whether it be for advice, a shoulder to cry on or just a sounding board, care during illness, sex, temporary or long-term financial support due to illness or injury, procreation... The list of why there might be need is endless.
Hold onto being an individual and being as independent as possible, but don't look at need for another human being as weakness in yourself or in another. Needing someone, in some capacity throughout one's life is healthy, too. Human's are built to work together within all sorts of types of relationships without having to lose ego or personal identity.
I ended a relationship recently with someone who definitely didn't have it all together. We were in love, but I couldn't stand being so "needed" by this person. It tore us apart.