Wednesday, 11 November 2009
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Why “There’s More Fish in the Sea” Actually Leads to Misery
When you’re with your significant other, and the relationship is not going as well people often will tell you “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” This statement is designed to help you get over your depression and anxiety. What I would say to you, however, is that this actually causes more misery. Here’s why.
The Myth: More choice = more freedom = more happiness
As a member of a affluent western society we’re told that choice is the ultimate freedom. That the freedom to choose is our most precious gift, and that this gift of choice leads to happiness. While it may be true that choice can be liberating, there becomes a problem when we reach a certain threshold. Once we pass this threshold more choice actually increases our unhappiness.
Back before our current times, often people would work at one job for one company for their entire working career. When work was done, they went home and left work at work. Today with pervasive technology, mobile phones, laptop computers, and blackberries; it’s quite possible that we could, if we wanted to, work at every moment of every day from anywhere on the planet. This is supposed to be liberating for us, but realize this; every moment of every day you now must make a choice whether or not you answer your work phone, open your laptop, work on that report after work. Even if the choice ends up being that you choose NOT to work, you still are forced to make a choice. This is a choice that previously you never had to make, and as such being FORCED to do something is the exact opposite of freedom.
Secondly too much choice becomes paralyzing. A number of big investment companies have found that the more options that employers offer to their employees for retirement savings funds, the lesser amount of people enroll. Why? Because if you have to choose from 5 different funds you can make a decision easier than if you had to choose from 50 different funds. So the result is that having more choice means the employee is required to evaluate each and every fund individually. It becomes a burden. The result is that employees put off making a decision till tomorrow…..and then tomorrow…then tomorrow…and so on..until the choice has been forgotten and no fund was actually chosen. The abundance of choice results in paralysis and no choice is ever made. This is hardly the road to happiness.
Thirdly, the amount of options you have directly relates to your expectations. The more options you have the more likely you are to set high expectations. Once you have made your decision you may find that your choice did not meet your expectations. As a result higher amounts of choice creates an expectation of disappointment. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and you’re surrounded by countless fences, no matter which side of the fence you choose, you will always be disappointed.
Fourthly, increase in choice leads to an increase of self blame. If you go down the cereal aisle in the grocery store tomorrow you’ll likely be faced with between 20-30 different varieties of cereal with multiple different sizes. Fifty years ago, you probably would have only found 5 different varieties. If you chose a cereal that you didn’t like 50yrs ago, who was to blame? Well the "world" was to blame…since the "world" didn’t give you enough choice. However, if you choose a cereal that you do not like today when there are 30 options to choose from…who is to blame? Well you are. You could have chosen a better cereal, but you didn’t. You failed yourself, and you are to blame. So an abundance of choice has lead to an increase in self doubt and self blame. Clearly this is not the road to happiness.
How does this relate to relationships in the modern day?
Because we have created this myth for ourselves, that an abundance of choice means an abundance of happiness we like to believe that the saying “there’s more fish in the sea” is life affirming and reassuring. It’s actually quite the opposite. When you’re in your relationship you are constantly aware that there may be another person somewhere that could be possibly a better match for you. The world has become smaller, and the choice of mates has increased dramatically. This abundance of choice, I believe, has lead to an increase in dissatisfaction among couples. People are less likely to work out their differences and more likely to go fishing again. What I am saying, is that this has decreased our actual happiness and lessoned the positivity that comes from a solid long term relationship.
Perhaps the next time your relationship is on the rocks, you’ll think about if it’s truly a better decision to think there are more fish in the sea, or are you better off working with the fish you have and trying to make each other happy just as you are.
Do you agree or disagree?
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Titanic_Spaz@xanga - About Me: I’m married, I’m Canadian, and I love satire, sarcasm and wit. If you’re here and you’re asking yourself “Who is this idiotic asshole!”, you likely just read one of my satirical blogs, took it way too literally, and now you should feel a little silly for doing so. I’m not a homophobe, nor am I a misogynistic, moron of a man. I’m intelligent, accepting of others, and thoroughly enjoy mocking those that aren’t.
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Comments (115)
Fairly recently my boyfriend of 2 years broke it off. I've been told 'there are other fish in the sea' SO many times, and, you know what, I agree. I makes me feel better to hear that. and though the freedom is a bit overwhelming, I like it a lot. I do believe in working things out, but in general I say "chose happiness" first -- my guy and I just couldn't meet each other's needs. So this matches up with what you are saying, or I am a good example -- seeing the possibility of something 'better' as a reason to break it off instead of working things out. I think in our society we're always looking for 'the one' and that may leave people always thinking 'what if there's someone else?'
I agree with you for the most part, even though I am definitely guilty of looking elsewhere when things weren't going perfectly in the past. I used to be engaged to my best friend who I'd grown up with, but it was a bad idea to date him in the first place. When we were engaged and things were rocky, I couldn't help but look elsewhere. Which is why I broke it off. Now we don't even speak because he's never forgiven me.
BUT I honestly feel like it all works out in the end.
are you saying we should . . . settle?
insightful post...but you're talking about people using the phrase during rough times in a relationship? am I reading correctly? most people shoot that phrase when the couple is no longer together, at least for me. if you're still trying to make a decision on whether to stay together or not, and times are rough, my opinion would be to assess the relationship as a whole, and not what's out there in the "sea". if you're already trying to figure out if there's someone else out there for you, and that's altering your thoughts about your current SO, then you shouldnt even be with that person. that's just how i see it, you either commit to the relationship or you dont.
like @aCmH@xanga mentions...it would be more like settling, and that wouldnt be fair to either person.
you must have saw the TED video, eh
I think that the term "there's more fish in the sea" is more appropriate when referring to someone who is devastated over a break-up. I have never heard someone say that to someone who is having a tough time in a relationship. It's supposed to mean that okay, this potential soulmate didn't work out, but it's not the end of the world because there is someone out there that WILL be The One. And you shouldn't have to settle just because you think there are no other choices in this world other than with the one he/she just had that break-up.
@DeathzDezign@xanga - straightforward conclusion. =)
Some of these reasons for not liking the phrase seem very whiny.
You don't want to have to make a choice?
You don't want to take responsibility for a bad choice?
Whiny.
@yikuan@xanga - Well done! Nice to know at least one other person watches those! :)
I hate all the effing choice! Most of the time I try and calm down and say to myself that half the world is male, I'll find someone but that causes more anxiety. I just want a nice guy. Where the hell is he?? lol
i don't like your examples, but i see your point. however, i really don't agree. i just think that if it's more depressing to think that way it'd be because, well if there are so many fish in the sea, why haven't i found one yet?
gucci mane: "more fish in the sea.. girls are like buses: miss one, next fifteen one comin" hahah :D
I don't like that saying, mostly because it implies that you have to be with someone to be "happy".
- Kunoichi
I think about this topic all the time, about everything. And for me, it's almost even the opposite of what you say. It's not about staying in the relationship for me, it's the fact that I won't even get into a relationship with a really amazing man, the guy I have been looking for all my life up until this point, because I want to have fun with all my others options. Sometimes, I wish I lived in more traditional times. Where I had less options. You know that saying... I'm not sure how it goes lol, But the concept is something like people are happier who have less things because they appreciate them more.
Whoever said that was lying
I agree! Awesome blog!!
I would agree with the comments above that said that this phrase is generally used when you are going through or recently went through a breakup. Most people don't tell someone that when they are still in a relationship--that would be disrespectful.
The statement that too many choices can be bad is one I agree with. But when it comes to relationships, it is actually liberating. I say this because many people stay in bad relationships or not-worth-it relationships because they don't think that they can do much better. Remembering that there are more "fish in the sea" reminds you that you can choose to be in a relationship with someone or not to be, but choosing not to be does not mean being single forever. There is someone better. The fact that I haven't met my husband yet doesn't mean I'm doomed to be alone for life. That is encouraging.
Like the piece!
I agree to the extent that, say, you go to a sushi bar, and there's a million plates of colourful fish going around, but you only have limited resources to try them all (i.e., time or money or both). So, you watch them all go round and round and pick and choose a few, and wonder if the one you let go by you that got picked up by the next guy would have been your favourite dish... and then you might go home feeling discontent from picking the wrong one, hungry from not being able to pick up, or poor from picking too many.
Now if you don't ever want to try sushi, and the only fish you've ever had is canned tuna, you'd probably be relatively content with the tuna - it's good for you and makes you full. You'd never have the aforesaid dilemmas nor would you ever be unhappy with what you have, simply because you can't miss what you never had and you just don't want to try toro.
I don't know how many of us can be exclusive tuna-eaters though...
well, you make good points, but if your relationship is crap (not just occasionally bumpy), and people are suggesting that maybe it should end, most of the time, they are right.
so why put up with all that crap? if you and your SO are miserable, and you've tried to fix it before, what else are you waiting for?
if a relationship is not meant to be, it's not meant to be. don't prolong the misery for you or your SO.
@yikuan@xanga - @Titanic_Spaz@xanga - TED is the shit. :D
People who have perpetual "grass is always greener" syndrome frustrate me because it pervades their entire lives, not just in their relationships. They become ridiculously indecisive and commitment-phobic about everything.
i like the post, but maybe a more appropriate annoying phrase would be "the grass is always greener on the other side."
to me, when i'm in a relationship, the decisions are easy. choose to be with the person i'm with, or choose not to be. when things get rocky, i evaluate and try to figure out if it's something that we can work out together. if it is, i go for it, all in. if not, i try to be honest about it to the other person. i think of relationships as team events; you work together, support each other, and victories as well as losses are shared, but you keep going with hopes that the next day will be awesome.
Agreeeeeeeee~! Definitely.
I don't agree with settling "with the fish you have", because well, if you're in a dismal relationship, why let yourself suffer through a lackluster relationship? Sometimes you can't fix what's broken, and it's best to move on. But you've made an EXCELLENT point in that having too many choices can be very frustrating!! That is very true, and also applies to other things in life as well, like school, career, clothes, houses, etc