After my husband told me what his mother said about me last night when he called her just to ask about whether or not she could clip some cat food coupons, she brought up one of the biggest shockers I've ever heard out of her and that's saying a lot! She told my husband that I "wasn't submissive enough." Okay....I know her and my father-in-law have some out there beliefs on the role of a wife, but me not being submissive enough, that's taking it too far!
She believes this in part because my husband and I have an equal part relationship. Yes, he is still the final say, but we work things out equally -- budget, finances, Christmas decorations, you name it we work it out together. Because the holidays are fast approaching and since his family is anti-Christmas (I call them the Christmas Nazis), they believe he has compromised his faith and other stuff because he lets me put up a Christmas tree. She believes, in part, that I am not submitting to my husband's authority since I can still put up a Christmas tree, ask for money to go get stuff, and do pretty much whatever I want within reason, moral conscience and budget after we talk things over with each other.
I really don't see where she gets it, but I know some of it has to do with the last time they visited and I didn't ask my husband's permission to get stuff. The Sunday morning we were getting ready for church I asked him for a couple bucks to go get us a doughnut and a cup of coffee from the doughnut shop around the corner. His father and mother both believe that a wife should in essence be a doormat, and let her be walked all over. She doesn't have a backbone to save her life, and that's why things happened financially in the past that snowballed, because she let her husband do whatever he wanted.
As of right now, she doesn't know that I know she said that, but if she mentions it next time we go visit them or they come to visit us it will get ugly. I believe I am submissive enough and even my husband agrees his mom takes the submission thing way too far.
Your turn, do you think being married is a give/take equal partnership or is it one person (like the husband) being in charge and acting as head of household?
True 
Premium
Comments (65)
Definitely give/take...
this makes me so sad. if your husband has the final say, then it's not really an equal relationship. your mother in law is even worse, but i'm still sad you think this qualifies as an equal relationship as is.
It's funny you mentioned this because I feel the exact same way! I've been married for almost four years now and because I'm Asian I'm also expected to be a doormat. My parents, my mom especially, expects me to do everything for my husband. From picking out his clothes to wear after he showers to preparing his meal for him when he's done with the shower. She does all of this for my dad and they've been married for over 30 years. I just get so frustrated sometimes but what's worst is his mother. She's practically catered to him all his life and when I came in the picture, we always seemed to bump heads. She believes that a woman should somewhat be a servant to her husband and never argue with him regardless if he's wrong. WELL, I'm the total opposite. I don't believe that I should sacrifice myself for someone else just because I'm expected to. I work just as hard as my husband and I honestly feel like I deserve the same credit as he gets. I know my role as a wife and he knows his role as a husband and it's not the 1950's anymore...they really need to get over it!
As a guy...I can say that if a girl is so submissive that she doesn't have her own views...that's a turn-off. Sorry to you "old-fashioned" (read: psycho) ladies, but a woman has to be her own person too. (Obviously, that means I think a relationship should be give/take. Both parties submit to a degree, but that's called compromise.)
marriage is supposed to be equal, husbands need to submit to their wives sometimes too, and by letting you put up a christmas tree your husband does that.
the thing with a lot of people is they take the verse/s in the bible where it says wives should submit to their husbands the wrong way. too many women think "well that means my husband gets to tell me to do whatever he wants and treat me like crap." no, it means make your husband a nice dinner when he comes home from work. it means listen to what your husband has to say and take it into consideration when you make decisions. it means don't try to be independent anymore, try to work with your husband to make the life you both desire.
it sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. god never intended for women to be walked all over, he would never encourage submitting to what is wrong or not correcting your husband when he is wrong. he intended for men to be the final say, not the only opinion. keep doing what you're doing. and by this point, i think it would be just fine to tell your mother-in-law to mind her own business.
Not gonna lie, i want to be the whole housewife thing, You provide me with the money and your hard work, I'll provide you with meals, a clean home, and pretty much everything else.
I get lectured all the time that its a bad thing, but if its what I want, and something he is okay with, is it really that bad?
First of all, I think a marriage/relationship should be equal. You might not have the exact same roles, but neither person should always have the final say. You are partners, not slave/master.
Secondly, it is none of your MIL's business how you and your husband choose to conduct your relationship. She is way out of line.
I think you're in the right. Your husband's parents must be from the 1940s or something......never let a MAN solely dictate what you should do when the household belongs to you both and the decisions about what goes on in that house are both left up to you. It's sad to see that people today still think the wife should say "Yes sir" no matter what and not have a say in anything.
@The_Tudor_Rose@xanga - No, that's not a bad thing. :)
Being married, for me, is equal parts give and take. It's really up to you and your husband what your relationship should be like. If you want to be a doormat and he wants you to be one, then that's your decision. But just because his mother wants you to be a doormat does not mean you have to appease her. The only ones that matter in your marriage are you and your husband.
Any relationship should be give and take. It's lame as hell to be in one where one person doesn't (or isn't allowed to) contribute.
Whatever works for them. A relationship can be anything the couple wants it to be and everyone else should mind their own business. Your mother-in-law is out of line, but it'd help to understand that almost everyone thinks their way is the "right" way.
i love the lil' picture on top haha
ah, the meddling mother-in-law causing trouble...there's a reason why mothers-in-law are the butt of jokes for forever! no matter what you do, she's probably going to whine, complain and criticize you because you are not a little clone of herself, and therefore, your behavior is unacceptable
as long as you and your husband are happy with your gender roles in your marriage, it should be fine...but you should probably refrain from fighting with her directly on this because it will only add fuel to her arguments you are too sassy LOL
good luck!
her words weren't very tactful, but i think she's just upset that her son isn't following the beliefs that she raised him with.
She's an older woman. Don't let it get to you. You and your husband have your own way of living. It sounds like you two respect each other. It is NOT okay for a woman to be a doormat, but not okay for her to control and manipulate her husband either. There needs to be a balance. The balance comes in diverse forms.
to be in a submissive relation is no fun. No fun to me no happiness.
Equal. I don't let someone even if he is my husband take charge or have the final say in it. We have to communicate, compromise, and come with a solution that both parties agreed to it. It's a win-win situation for all.
My husband and I are a team. End of story. We make all of our decisions together. Money wise; I don't have to ask him for cash, because he isn't my boss (I'm not his either.)...he doesn't ask me before he goes and buys his cigarettes, I don't ask him if I can go and buy hair dye. We let each other know what we spend, I keep up on finances and I keep him posted on what we've got. We're a good team.
I stick with the whole "Wives, submit to your husbands, and husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."
I think it's give and take, but in my opinion, the husband still has final authority.
It's the 21st century. Patriarchy is a thing of the past, and equal statuses are now the trend. Tell your parents-in-law to get with it!
I would have no problem saying that she's crazy ('cuz she is). Being the female that wears the pants in the relationship is okay with me.
@xoctoberskye@xanga - I agree.
I prefer the idea of a mostly equal relationship, however, if someone prefers to be dominant or submissive in a relationship and is with someone that is okay with assuming such roles, who's to stop them as long as no one is getting mistreated or disrespected?
It's something that should be decided on by the couple. She prefers to be submissive, you prefer to be equal. Depending on her personality, it might help if you and/or your husband spoke with her about it. It may not be her business, but she feels the need to interject opinions, so shutting her up could be beneficial.
If it doesn't work out, just stick by your husband. He respects you, and he's who you married. *shrug*
maybe your mother in law is just jealous that your Master gives his bitch [you] a longer leash than what her Master gives her?
@The_Tudor_Rose@xanga - There's nothing wrong with that. It's your choice, remember that.
A woman should choose what she wants in her life, but I do not believe she should be submissive. There is a difference. She should be the one to decide what she wants to be. She should not be forced into a role. It is her life after all. Although, to be honest, I would like to see more truly egalitarian relationships. I just feel they're better for everyone involved since power is shared.
(Also, LOL@the pic)