I've been going steady with this wonderful woman for over 5 months now. That's not an extremely long time but it is the first really committed romantic relationship I've been a part of so it's substantial for me. The relationship has been good. We've had a few road bumps but it's been smooth overall. We say "I love you" and we both mean it. We work hard to love one another. I've cared more about this girl than any other girl I've ever known. She knows more about me than any other person ever has.
But this week I decided I should break it off.
We had a difficult week. She said some things in anger that hurt me pretty bad and even though she apologized the words lingered for several days (even now they keep me awake at night). It kick-started an in-depth and severely honest examination of what I want and where we are going as a couple. I concluded that I'm not happy with the way we handle conflict and I'm tired of going through it. I was honest about what I want and what she has said she wants. There are differences, and she is willing to compromise (I want to live in the inner city in community houses forever and she would prefer the suburbs but she'd give them up for me). But there are other differences that won't be compromised (she wants kids and I'm not sure if I do or not. Some days it seems like a good idea but not most days. But I'm only in my mid-twenties!).
We knew about our differences in philosophies (I'm nonviolent and she isn't), in our desires (kids vs. not sure), in character (I'm a softy and she isn't so much) before getting together. In fact, we said for months that to do it would be stupid. Tooth and broken nail we fought the idea of getting together but finally decided to try it. She says it is the best relationship she's ever had. She says she loves me like she's never loved another man. But now I sit here and think "I'm not sure this is going to work." I look at the differences and think that a few things could be compromised and we can meet halfway but what if I never want a kid? It's possible. Right now it's more likely. I keep thinking it isn't fair for us to stay together hoping that things change. I mean, I can change some things, like where I live and what I do, but I can't as easily change my desires or lack of desires.
So I told her. I said I don't think this will work. It sucked. Crying. Getting angry. Confusion. Me lacking words. It ended with us agreeing to have a week of prayer and fasting. I recognized that we just had a really rough week, and I was hurt, and I can be impulsive (not to mention the fact that I hadn't communicated my pain or frustrations much at all lately, if ever). I owe her more introspection than a handful (or less) of days and I owe her my attention to the Father's will. My friend tells me the trial week is never a good idea. My mom said the same thing. So my lady and I talked through the week and the pain and we just finished Day 1.
I'm lost.
Comments (37)
*sigh*
Dude, you have issues.
If you love each other, then you oughta be willing to compromise. If you don't like the way y'all handle conflict, talk about it, consider changing it, think about how else it could be handled.
You're young. At some time or another, most men want a kid. I know men who you would never have thought would ever dream of having children, but now that they're getting on in years, they'd love to have one. It might happen like it did with my dad. For the longest time, he didn't want kids, and now he's got eight. (don't let that scare you, btw).
Talk to her about it. If she's willing to accept the fact that maybe you'll never want kids, then you mean a lot to this girl.
learn from your mistake! next time don't get together with a girl you already have problems with no matter how hot she is!Â
I think the way you are handling this is really smart. Love isn't enough and a life of heavy compromise is tiresome...when you might very well both find people who are better matches and not have to work so blinkin' hard all the time to make it work.
I don't think that SO relationships should have to be a constant struggle or work. I love many people deeply and truly...but wouldn't want to partner with them for life. It takes more than respect and affection to be good life partners.
So, kudos to you.
I don't understand, you're not the one that will give birth to the child...ugh, men.
Anyway...
You have to change for yourself, not for anyone else. Same goes for her.
Compromise is good but either way one step at a time, you're freaking out about spilled milk when you haven't even bought the cow!!
I hope that made sense.
Don't be so harsh to her, and maybe you could seek couple counseling to learn to communicate and not say things that are too painful when you fight.
FIGHTS HAPPEN and they WILL happen if you get married.
Good luck, and remember, ONE STEP AT A TIME! Take it slow.
wait how old are you
I think that sometimes it is good to have your differences, you guys can balance each other out in the long run.
But you also don't want to force something that you don't think is going to work out. You know better than any of us how you feel about it, I don't think you really need our advice. It sounds like you are already thinking with a pretty good head on your shoulders.
If you want it to work out than meet halfway, it sounds like she is pretty willing to do that. Be patient with each other, you're both just human...sometimes we say stuff we don't mean when things get heated.
Good luck!
At the end, you know yourself best and what will and will not work out for you.
With that being said, just because it has been a difficult week or that you don't like the way you two handle your conflicts, talk about it. Find a solution so that it will be a win win situation for the both of you. Just don't run from it and call it quits.
You know you both had your differences before you two got together so it's not like you weren't prepared for the battle. Compromise. Sacrifices. Do whatever you have to do to make a relationship work if you want it that much.
But see. The way I see it, if you thought you two wouldn't be good for each other and break up, what's the point of having a trail week?
Seems like you are lost and you really don't know what you want at the end.
i just broke up with my girlfriend last night, it waas one of the hardestr things i have ever done. You have to know whats good for you, and what will help you.
Me and my gf always faught, had long distance, and i had committment issues. Love is never enough, there has o be other things like trust honest loyalty.
If you don't feel the relationship is going well, better to break it off now instead of waiting for months or years. My boyfriend and I have endured long distance for three years now. We completely trust each other and we never argue. All the things I want, he wants as well. If you and this girl don't agree on things that you both aren't willing to compromise with, then it's good that you broke up with her. There are plenty of people out there to chose from---she's not the only one.
Sounds familiar
@Lorelei - I asked her the other day about it. I asked "Would you ever consider not having kids?" and she flat out said no. Not having kids is not an option for her. And it's possible I'll want kids one day, but I just don't know. I'm not sure if it is fair or wise to continue with a relationship with a dealbreaker in limbo.That's my biggest struggle.
Seems like you have commitment issues, dude.
@xica_iris@xanga - O_o, you don't UNDERSTAND because he's not gonna give birth to it that should make him want a kid?
That's retarded, I can think of a million reasons why I don't want a kid besides the fact that I'd have to birth it.
I don't think it's necessary to think about having kids at such a young age. Why not just take it as it comes?
*hug* situations like these are bittersweet, doing what's best for both of you even if it means separating
RYAN STARTED FIRE!!!!!! LOL
I think the week is a great idea in this case. "never" is such a black and white word.
Have hope and consider some things... if you two ended it, and in the future you decided you do want kids, are you going to regret letting this one go?
Also consider... my husband, before he met me, had decided he was never going to get married, and never wanted kids. Well he is my husband, and we have three beautiful little ones that he loves more than anything in the world. He's turning 26 in December. I am only 22.
Dude... don't be so uptight about this. It's only been 5 months. See if it works out, and if it doesn't then that's okay. You're young. You're worrying too much. I don't see what fasting will do but that's just my thoughts.
Have a couple days apart, then talk about it.
You know if it's not working for you, and it sounds like it's not.
You have to make sure the path you're going down is the one you want.
You sound like every guy here in Portland OR.
good post! it was pretty enlightening to get a glimpse of why a good guy, with good intentions would want to break up with a girl that he loved. that being said, i reckon taking the week off to chill out and just pray about the relationship is a GREAT idea :) sure the answers might not come immediately, but they will come. i for one think that a difference in one of your core values - such as the fact that she wants kids, and you don't - could be a major deal breaker. sure you could change your mind down the track, but there's no guarantee you will, and a break up that far down the track could be way worse than one that could be had now.
i know it might hurt like CRAZY to let her go, but perraps that'd be the best thing to do at this time. i just came out of a pretty complicated relationship myself, and i was always one of those who thought that love would "conquer all" and "lasts forever" and it sucked that it didn't, but i'm glad both you guys are willing to give it a shot.
GOOD LUCK and God bless :D
@xica_iris@xanga - men have every right as women to decide whether they want children or not. Having children doesnt only effect the female with the pain that's endured during birth. Some men aren't ready to take care of a child, or dont see having a child as a commitment they want to enter.
To the OP, you're young, you're only 5 months into the relationship, and you're taking everything way too seriously in my opinion. It took me 3.5 years to understand that my ex and I weren't meant to be, but within those 3.5 years, we had created so many fond memories. I'm not saying you should take that long to learn from your mistakes or anything...but if you're only 5 months into the relationship, you should still be in the phase to be willing to work things out if you're so much in love as you claim to be.
This is definitely a tough situation, but the only difference I really see that could be a probelm here is the kids thing. If you want kids and she doesn't, or vice-versa, and you're thinking about a serious, long-term relationship, it's probably best if you don't continue it. In your mid-twenties, you have a pretty good idea of whether or not you want kids. And it's not very likely to change.
The other issues (your major one sounds like philosophy/religion) are things that can be worked out, and worked out easily if you truly love each other and want to be together. Opposites DO attract, and I think it makes for a lot of passion and good debates in the relationship. I think one of the best things to do in your situation is ask yourself - Are you better off WITH HER or WITHOUT her? Make a list of the pros and cons if you need to. Are you a happier person with her? Does she make you feel like a better person? Does she complete you? If so, it may be worth while to stay in the relationship and work around your "issues."