More and more I have heard, or seen women and sometimes men losing their identity to please their significant other. I am an open minded Church of Christ member, and today I found out from a friend about his sister, who we are good friends with. I believe her boyfriend has made her lose herself, that, and who he hangs out with. She now believes in wearing a head covering(if you're a Church of Christer you understand) if not, I can sort of explain-in 1 Corinthians it mentions women wearing head coverings in church, its basically a giant doily you place on your head. I don't have any problem with it, I just hate when people change their identity because of their SO.
That's not the friend I know, at all, even my husband agrees. He knew her before I even met her, and her brother is outraged, which I don't blame him. He knows her better than we do, and she is rapidly losing who she is so she can please her boyfriend and his friends he hangs out with. Her boyfriend is "friends" with my husband, and since we got married he has become distant. Another example is our friend Emily who just got married. Since she got together with him, she's no longer the fun-loving, goofy Emily. She's too serious, and shes even changed the way she dressed because of him.
It's sad to see someone lose their identity because of their SO, because I believe you have to be yourself and then someone will love you, you don't have to conform to what your SO wants. Losing yourself is the first step to losing your independence as a person. As a wife, my husband wanted me to keep who I was, he was a good example and helped me change some of my bad habits. That's the way it should be, you shouldn't become a robot clone of your SO.
But I want other opinions is it right for you to change your identity to fit what your SO wants or should you keep who you are?
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Comments (19)
You shouldn't have to. The whole point is finding someone who loves you for who you are. It's not finding someone who finds you acceptable and then encourages you to do things their way (if that's what's happening here). This is one thing I'm afraid of. Hopefully this never happens to me.
I'd never change my identity to keep Edward (my boyfriend)
He loves me for who i am, when i talk about wanting to change my look around, he helps me decide- i'm crap at decision making- he doesnt TELL me.
At a party recently, the girl who's party it was said we where like the same person, but i havent changed at all since being with him... I'm just happier and more trusting. I ahvent changed my look, personality- anything. We where compatible from the start, I won't change to be more so.
Own person. Own mind.
The only time you should change yourself in a relationship is if what you are doing is hurting your SO and it's reasonable to change. For example- if you go out until midnight with the girls every other night, and he requests you only go out maybe on Friday or Saturday night with the girls so you two can have more time together. Aparently, this is hurting him and he is trying to compromise and I don't think something like that is a big request. However, when you're dating someone and they start nit picking and things that are a part of you that aren't hurting the relationship (like ones mentioned in the post- clothes for example), then it becomes they don't like you in essence and want to change you to fit them better and it isn't a reasonable request. Good post. I've lost a TON of friends to boys. It sucks.
@MsKittyCatty@xanga - I agree with this!
It really depends on the changes. I have no problem if someone becomes more organized or eats different food or goes to concerts they wouldn't have gone to in the past for their SO, but if they're making huge lifestyle changes, or major clothing changes...there is probably something unhealthy going on. I've had a lot of friends who become totally different people depending on who they're dating - with them, it's personal insecurity. The other thing to look for is a too-controlling SO.
So yeah - change your identity, no. Change bad habits/change things that aren't huge parts of your personality? No problem, that's just self improvement!
I know I already said this to you, but I wanted to put in my two cents here as well. =p
As long as they aren't changing for the worse, who cares? They probably just feel like they are improving themselves. It is normal to slightly change when you spend all of your time with your SO. I haven't changed to the point of "losing myself," but I'm sure that anyone who was once close to me in the past could point out some differences in me now. Like for one thing, my sense of humor has gotten a lot more racist and sarcastic since I've been with Christian...of course all in fun and I know where to draw the line, but still. Also, I'm married to an Atheist...my views are not as "Christian" as they once were. I have lots of flaws, but that's a part of life, as you grow you change. It's okay.
And just BTW, when I say that my sense of humor has become more racist...I mean that I am a Canadian, married to a Korean, our old roomie was Mexican and we all picked on eachother...that's all.
I agree with InTheGoldenWest. When you find someone, they should be attracted to who you are, on the inside and out.
If you want to change because of the changes you want, then it's okay. But if you're boyfriend's like... oh well, you should style your hair like this, or wear this.. then screw that guy. He's Not worth it!
You shouldn't have to change yourself for an SO. They should love you for who you are, and not try to change every single little thing about you. And I would never change for an SO, I am who I am. Nobody can change that. But like @MsKittyCatty@xanga mentioned up there if it is a little request, then I would maybe agree to that. Or me and my SO would decide on something in the middle. It's not fair for a person to ask their SO to change. I mean, maybe you would pick up on a few of your partners habits or something. But, changing your personality - is when things have gone too far.
thats just sad. not sad as in pathetic, but actually sad. to lose yourself for another person is just so upsetting.
Definitely stay true to yourself. That being said, some things are worth changing - like bad habits. And quirks and habits do get picked up from spending so much time with someone else, but anything that goes after the core of who you are isn't worth it. Plus, if what your SO wants isn't in you, then there's probably someone else out there better fitted for him/her. And likewise, probably someone else out there for you too.
the stepford wives
I think I should change my bad habits (which are prohibiting progress in life: like my messy room, and procrastination, and anger problem) ...in order to be with my SO. But other than that, I should be myself completely. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that bad habits are not what's supposed to define who you are.
if you want to be a better person sure, but not completely change yourself
I don't know if this is exactly what you're talking about or not, but when a girl's boyfriend FORCES her to change, that is taking a form of control that's basically a pit stop on the road to abuse. I feel so bad for girls who get into too serious of a relationship before they're ready, and their very identity gets swallowed up in some guy who doesn't have her best interests at heart.
This is very personal to me, because I was one of those girls. Thank God I finally listened to the people who REALLY loved me and got out of the relationship before it was too late.
BTW, I'm a church of Christ girl too!
Hello!! I don't hear much about people wanting to enforce female head-covering during worship. Not sure where you're from, but in the north I think people are (by comparison) a little more liberal.
Why would anyone be with someone if they didn't like their personality? That's what attracted that person to that person, right? To work on some problem traits, maybe.
People should continue to be who they are, its all we have sometimes. People come and go constantly. Whats scary is when your with someone and they slightly alter or open doors within yourself that have been closed off... Habits slightly change that are either for the better or the worst.
yes, it sucks when you find someone who changes specifically to fit their significant others needs, but the thing is, maybe that's who they always wanted to be but never told anyone and just needed an extra support there (aka their SO) to help them grow and learn who or what they've always wanted to become. im just sayin, it could happen, and it doesn't always have to be thought of as the negative view this entry has clearly leaning it toward.
How very sad for those of you who will call them a SO and not understand that they are Significant - that means more important than their girlfriends and their previous way of life. Perhaps she likes being more like him and his friends. Perhaps she is more concerned about being a Christian as she reads in the Bible than a mere "Church of Christer" - I know, I was one as well. Nothing sinful about changing, and nothing identity losing when, as the Bible says, the "2 become 1" - don't be jealous of her time with him, and the fact that she is changing in some ways. You have probably changed as well, as you mention, in losing your bad habits, and in adding some new habits as well. Suppose you study and discover that you want to change your style of dress, of eating, of exercising, or sleep habits or something - should you just stay a clone of your girlfriends and how you all always have been since you were teens in high school and college? What if something you hold precious now becomes quite trivial as you experience new things in life? When people go different ways, it is hard on everyone concerned, unless there is a true bully involved somewhere. All you can do is pray for him, remember to "consider others before yourself", "treat others as you would be treated," and maybe even "if my brother is offended at my eating meat, then I will never eat meat again!" (all Bible quotes). Hang in there, Dear Sister. Changing doesn't necessarily mean giving up your "identity" - it may not be an identity worth hanging onto. "Don't be conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind". (Being "preachy" because as a "church of christer" you probably know what I mean, but also because as a Christian, I hope He reaches your heart)
Hey, I'm a member of the church of Christ, too! Cool!
You should always keep who you are! It doesn't matter what your religion is, or if you even have a religion, all people should keep their own personal identities. If you change yourself to conform to some image that your SO has of you, it isn't really you that he is in love with. It is the person that you have become for him. The person that he made you feel that you must be in order to keep his affections. In which case, I would think his attraction would be all physical. He saw you and liked what he saw physically, but thought that you needed a personality and character overhaul complete with mannerisms and how you dress. That isn't really so much becoming a robot for your SO, its like allowing a Body Snatcher to take you over!
It really just doesn't pay, because in that case its just a hollow love, not really alive and not really true. There is a difference between building each other up and helping each other with bad habits, or actually just letting your SO take over your whole life and your whole identity as a person.
And naturally, when I use "you" its in a general, collective sense of the word. :p