Today my ex-boyfriend and I had a conversation about his constant use of rules in dating. It wasn't him having rules that we disagreed on, but what I interpret as him breaking them all whenever he wants, to the point where I fail to see how they serve him in the first place.
For example, my ex has been involved with 4 girls this year and was officially in a relationship with 3/4 of these girls.
Girlfriend #1 was me. His rule at the time was he would not date long-distance and he wanted a Chinese girl who knew Chinese culture. Well I am a black girl who was planning to study abroad at the time. Two weeks into dating he broke up with me for these reasons.
Girlfriend #2 was a Chinese girl who was "white-washed" according to him and did marital arts. I was surprised because he had also mentioned that he did not want a girl who did the same thing that he did: martial arts. So guy who wants traditional Chinese girl not involved in martial arts dates non-traditional Chinese girl who does martial arts...I think it lasted two months. By this time he was positive that he wanted a long term relationship that could lead to marriage.
Girl #3 was a bisexual girl who was not ready for commitment- needless to say, that didn't last very long. So now he's on Girl #4/Girlfriend #3 and they're 2 weeks into dating. At first I was really confident about this girl because he was so happy. But then I became skeptical because they met in L.A. and he lives in Berkeley, CA (a 371 mile difference).
"Is this a long distance relationship?" I asked
"Yes"
"But I thought you didn't want one of those"
"I didn't" he responded.
And this is how we came to the rule discussion. My ex maintains that he has rules, but believes that they have to be adapted when the situation calls for it. I agree. But my point was his 'rules' tend to adapt for every situation: whenever he finds a girl he fancies, he breaks the rules, but not too soon afterward, they break up. Well, what was the point of having the rule in the first place!
My ex said that he does not want to miss out on his dream girl girl because of some silly rule and that's why he's always making exceptions. I say, how do you expect to find you're dream girl if you're always making exceptions for girls who don't fit your dream girl rules?
So I want to know because I think this is partly a battle of linguistics, not just implementation: What do you think about having rules in dating? Does my ex really have 'rules' and given how he uses them, should he in the first place?
Comments (28)
I don't think they're really rules if he's just breaking them all the time. I know people say like "rules are made to be broken" but i'm pretty sure that doesn't mean every rule all the time.
My only rule for dating is to never get back with an ex. And i only made this rule after getting back with an ex and then breaking up again, so i've not broken it (hurrah).
My rule for sex is to not have sex with someone that i have to see on a regular basis (unless we're in a relationship) and i haven't broken that one either.
I don't make up rules that i know i'll probably break, it's just pointless. Plus i think having rules there kinda make you want to do whatever you're telling yourself not to do (does that make sense?), like if my rule was to only date "nice guys" i know that i'd probably only ever find complete knob heads appealing haha
Your ex sounds like he has too many not very good rules, he should just make a few little rules that he can keep to, instead of a billion he'd be willing to make an exception with :]
x
Sounds to me like he doesn't even really have rules in the first place. He has prefrences, just like everyone. It also sounds like maybe he should grow up and figure out what he wants and not be quite so shallow.
Some people need rules, personally though I like to think that my heart guides how I act when it comes to relationships. No need to have rules.
sounds to me like his rules are more of an excuse. he'll make these excuses so he doesn't look like the bad guy when he breaks up with you (or gf #20).
lol sorry but those rules are a) completely unrealistic and ridiculous b) pointless and c)... pointless.
he just sounds a little dim, if you ask me.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - hahaha yeah i agree :P
if he's dumping and then making up rules about the girls he bags, what's the point of that, as you said? he should jsut stick with something and let go of his prejudice etc etc. also i dislike him immensely for his "rule" about "wanting a chinese girl who knew ~~~***** chinese culture ****~~~" what. is that. seriously. if i knew him, i'd punch him in the face.
if the girl is cute, then the rules do not apply, is what his adaptation excuse meant
your puppy profile pic looks lost and confused and I can imagine the puppy looking at this hypocrite like "bitch pleeease, you and your rules again!" 
Lol
I don't think he "breaks" his rules at all. he dates a chick, and then breaks up with her because of his rule - he doesn't seem to make an exception at all.
now this post has got me thinking about my rules/dealbreakers are.
all is fair in love and war.
i think this week alone i've seen a dozen posts on "rules" for relationships. things i didn't even know people followed. i agree with everyone: your ex is using excuse after excuse after excuse. its like he comes up with a rule to suit his fancy. when he's bored of a girl, he pulls an excuse out of his ass and justifies the breakup.
he doesn't have rules. he just likes to think he does.
but i understand where he's coming from. infatuation rules over almost anything.
I think no LDR might be my only rule. And that's because I did keep an open mind to it, tried it, and discovered it's not something that worked well for me. Other than that, I've pretty much broken all my other rules.
Most of them had to do with not dating someone who smoked cigarettes, or weed... But I later realized that that's not always a reflection of character, and as long as you don't let it dominate your life, it doesn't change who you are as a person. And I love my boyfriend so much, and I believe that we are right enough for each other that something like that isn't really important.
Rules... Well. It just depends on what they are and why you have them. That really determines whether or not they can or should be broken.
I only have three rules, first being no drug or alcohol addiction, second being the girl must be physically fit, im very out-doorsy and active. And lastly nothing long distance. Other than that i love women of all tones, shapes, nationalities, and builds.
He was just not that into you I guess and he used the "rules" as excuses.
rules in relationships are stupid and unrealistic. expectations and preferences make more sense because they're not set standards to measure individuals by, and they leave room for exceptions. plus, they don't make one look like an ass the way hypocrisy does...
If you were only dating for 2 weeks would you really call it a boyfriend girlfriend relationship? To me that seems too short.
Anyway I have tons of rules too. I generally end up breaking them too though heh.
I don't think it's so much "rules" as knowing what you want in a SO, but like you mentioned, that's just the linguistics of it. It seems that's what he meant in the first place. As you mentioned, knowing what you want in that dream guy/girl is a good starting point. And yes, exceptions can be made there.
In terms of rules, (which I don't think are what your ex has) I think it's pretty important to have those in a relationship. To me, there are boundaries that need to be there in a dating relationship. (ex. I'd want to wait for the relationship to develop to a certain point before doing something like kissing.)
Rules in dating? That's stupid in my opinion...
I mean, people dream all the time about the perfect man/woman but it doesn't mean that this has to affect your relationship, if you find a great person that you love her race or her background shoulnd't care so much! Gosh, I like blonde guys but my boyfriend is perfect in every field but he's got brown hair...so what? We're in love, we want to start a family and his hair color doesn't really care and was never an issue...
He's using this "rules" as excuses...it would be more understandable if he didn't want a girl who smoked and you were a smoker or things like that..
He's kinda pathetic..
no offense
I think he has "Rules" because it makes him feel "confident" and "convinced". When he feels that way, there's a sense of security to freely approach the girl. If he's approaching a girl that does not fit his rules, it's probably because he isn't sure about what he wants. He needs to be clear about what he wants before setting the rules or should I say..."preferences."
There are no rules...
only consequences.
I have my own rules, but they have to do with MY choices, not with the other person. So I will have rues about the type of relationship, or the type of behavior that I can or can't deal with, based on my own experience. But I don't make "rules" about them, like they have to be a certain height, or race or occupation or whatever.
I don't want to be involved in a LDR, that has nothing to do with the other person, I just know it doesn't work for me long term. I don't deal with guys who don't call for long periods of time. They may be great guys, but that behavior isn't something I am comfortable with. That sort of thing.
No use putting myself and another person who have very different wants and expectations through the ringer when both of us could be out there finding a better fit.
The silly "rules" are probably just excuses he makes when he breaks up with someone, not actual rules. I'm sure he's willing to date whoever he likes, but when he stops liking her, he'll think of a new "rule" to get rid of her.
Why have rules when he's going to break them? So he will feel like a bad boy? Oooh...I'm dating a girl from another state! I'm a baaaaad boy!
@the_bubblegum_princess@xanga - yeah. but he dates them in the first place, knowing he has these rules. then dumps them because they dont match his rules. he should never have made the exception and dated them in the first place. or he should just not have rules. they don't seem to be working out for him. stupid.
@SandersIsWondering - ohhh okay i see i thought he was being racist there. phew