Saturday, 07 November 2009
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My Boyfriend's Mom Hates Me
I don't know why, but she does. Actually, I have my assumptions.
She's a Catholic republican (nothing against them) from the upper ends of the middle class. She really seems to be all about appearance and status, which I can't live up to. Her one son is a first year at Temple University in Philadelphia. Probably a thirty thousand dollar a year school. While my boyfriend is still only a Junior, I'm a first year at a local community college. My parent's simply can't afford to send me anywhere else right now, though I do plan on attending a 4 year state college. I'm going to be a high school english teacher, while my boyfriend's going to go into business, and her other son is doing something fancy with computers or something. The let my boyfriend drive their 2004 Toyota Camry (it's basically his) and they also have a Lexus. I drive a 1994 Ford Tempo. Oh, and I have my lip pierced as well.
I can't tell you specifically why I know his mom hates me, but I can just tell, you know? I can feel her judging me constantly, thinking that I'm not good enough. The other day she called my boyfriend when she took his car out, and said it smelled like smoke. They knew my boyfriend used to smoke, but he quit. He told her that, and she replied with "Well I suggest you or whoever else is smoking in your car to stop immediately." I was the only one else in the car with him, and she knows that. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life.
It's just things like that which make me think she hates me. I am as polite as possible, and always greet her or tell her to have a good night when I leave. Other than that, she hardly ever speaks to me, yet she goes about and assumes things like that I smoke.
Anyway, I was invited to go to his beach house this weekend with his family, and I agreed a while ago, before I really started to notice his mom's dislike for my. I'm quite nervous, and I don't know what do say/do around her, because I know she's just going to further judge me.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Is there anything I'll be able to do to gain her approval? I'm not going to let it get in the way of my relationship, but it would be nice for her to be at least OKAY with me dating her son.
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- From: mythoughts_blogged@xanga
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Comments (34)
honestly, who cares if she likes you or not as long as she's not in your face.
i rather not care TOO much about impressing my bfs family.
@getyourownsandwich@xanga - i would care very much if my boyfriend's mom didn't like me, it would put a big strain on our relationship.
in this case, it sounds like there's not much else you can do. you've done all you can to impress her and she is just not going to budge. continue to be polite to her, being rude will only make it worse, and don't constantly worry about it, if your boyfriend really cared he would have left you by now.
@soyeahthatswhathappened@xanga - meh. i was really close to my exes mom. she still emails me after 3 years to tell me she misses me and stuff. i would rather she didn't.
my bf's mom now is nice...we're not that close but as long as she doesn't say shit about me behind my back, then i really don't care. i don't need to be her best friend.
i think my bf's mom don't like me either.... ehhh she'll eventually grow to like me. eventually. hopefully. =T just gotta deal with it and be nice
Mmhm. I feel you. I didn't do much to gain her approval actually and I'm glad now because her son and me are no longer together. Heh.
Temple isn't that expensive actually, but it is considered a very nice school to go to. I've considered going there, however I heard the area of Philly it's in is not so hot. Anyway, I suggest you go perhaps it could be an opportunity to really get to know his mother and show her that your not so bad yourself. It could also be a really good opportunity to clear up a lot of the assumptions she has about you. Unfortunately, your boyfriends mother not liking you can take a toll on your relationship. I suggest nipping her dislike for you in the bud and if that doesn't work then at least your boyfriend will see you made a decent effort!
I feel the same way about my boyfriend's mom. Their house is always prestine and spotless while I leave a path of destruction behind me. I always feel like I will get in trouble if I am around them by making a mess or something. She acts as though she doesn't want him around me as much as he'd like to be. It's very frustrating. He just gets mad and tries to tell me she does like me, but she has never showed any signs of being fond of me. Can't she just be happy that her son is happy?
You're dating your boyfriend, not his mother. Relax and stop stressing out so much. He already likes you, and that's all that really counts. Worry about being as good a girlfriend to him and simply remain polite, but indifferent to his mother.
Obviously your boyfriend must be a pretty nice guy, and some of that I'm sure came to him from his mom! She probably has some very good qualities. I'd do my best to find out what they are! Look for all that you can find about her that is likeable.
Your boyfriend can help you to learn a whole lot of good things about his mom. Learn all you can from him, from others and even from her, about her good qualities. When you can, ask her questions, without being too nosy, and then listen attentively to her.
God bless you, your boyfriend, and his mom! I sincerely hope you can iron it all out!
GD
don't know why she'd be so stuck up. temple university isn't that nice...
My mom isn't a fan of my brother's girlfriend. And while most moms love me....I've had one who was just flat out rude to me. I think my mom believes someone is taking her son away. But what mom's should realize is these guys aren't going to be babies forever.
So what, your parents probably secretly hate your boyfriend but are being a lot more discreet about it than your boyfriend's mom is to you.
its hard...at times i tihnk my parents dislike my girlfriend...but sometimes they give off weird vibes that say i dont mind as much since we've been seeing eachother for almost 2 yrs...i dunno.
i suggest going to the beach house and just being yourself..try to talk but spend as much time around your boyfriend so its not as uncomfortable for you.
My ex's mom absolutely hated me. She still does. Me and my ex were on and off for a year and it was usually my fault. He's a momma's boy and tells her pretty much everything he knows about me and our relationship, therefore she can't stand me for putting her little boy through so much.
I know she still hates me because me and my ex have been talking a bit recently, after going the whole summer without any contact at all. Now I hear she straight up says she hates me to everyone she can, threatening that if I don't stay away from her son and if I ever set foot on her property she's calling the cops and blah blah blah.
Though I'm sure his mom's opinion matters to my ex, it's never stopped him from being with me before and I think if either of us ever wanted to get back together it wouldn't stop him now.
So try not to worry about it too much. If he really cares about you, his mother's opinion won't affect your relationship so much that it'll cause him to break up with you.
My boyfriend is currently in this situation with my mom. My family isn't well off at all, however my mom is very judgmental of him because she (and apparently my dad as well) feels that he isn't "smart" enough for me. I go to Penn State and my boyfriend went the Pittsburgh Institute of Aeronautics, which is a two-year technical school. His degree is in avionics, and, to be quite honest, that baffles me. He is so smart in so many respects, but my mom can't get past the fact that he doesn't have a "real" degree. I've tried talking to her about this and about how my boyfriend isn't comfortable around her since she is always judging him behind his back. She always denies it and says that no one I date will ever be "good" enough for me. I tell my boyfriend that she isn't going to change her ways and to no let it get to him. She's just looking out for what is best for me, but she doesn't know what is best in every situation.
I could see my guy and I in this scenario in a couple of years. Hang tough.
@FueltotheFire@xanga - My thoughts exactly.
haha. i know what you mean. been there!
my mother in law is sooooooo old fashion, and so tradition, and fresh off the boat. true fob. shes from over seas, and where she lives, women who are thin, white, blue eyes, with blonde hair is beautiful. (all of which she has). its something rare there, so thats "excotic," to them.
Also, women there rather be house wives, and marry rich. so... her son (my now fiance) worked hard to be that guy, that those girls would be attracted to.
but unfortunatly for his mom, he ended up with me :)
dark hair, dark eyes, tan skin, and i got curves. not big curves (although im not happy with my lower half) lets just say im a kim kardashian that wants to look more like an eva longoria. any who...
i'm also going to school. 2nd year studying to be (like you) an english teacher.
not her thingg.
I do love to cook, and do some wifely duties, but damn it i got my own wants and needs!
my fiance is perfectly happy with who i am, what i look like, what i want to do yada ydad... hes happy with me!
she isnt. and his brother just got engaged to HER dream girl. so now im just constantly compared to her. it's funny... (thats the way you have to look at it)
don't let her know it bothers you. be happy that hes happy with you, and thats all that should matter!
best wishes!
lol i've found this to be truth in most cases. if you're a girl, your father hates your bf (openly/secretly). if you're a guy, your mother hates your gf (openly most of the time/secretly rarely).
I've been there too. I was too chicken to actually meet the mother of an ex that disliked me, because I knew she disliked me so much. My ex would tell me how his sister put in good words and such, but then a mutual friend would tell me how much my ex's mom was furiated at our relationship (their parents were friends). sigh. I should have grew a pair, but the past is the past.
Anyway, I think a good way to make good ties is to just try your best to actually be like a daughter to her. Ask her if she'd go shopping with you, spa, or to lunch, watch a movie, etc. Involve her into your life once in awhile even if it doesn't involve her son. girl on girl time, and whenever you're with her, always say loving things about your bf.. make her feel proud to be his mother. Kiss ass, but in an honest fashion. Be open with her about your likes and ask her for her opinions every once in awhile, and listen to them. When she says something, seem interested in her interests. Treat her like a boss when it comes to being on time for dates, promises, and put in the extra effort to make her feel like she can depend on you. Remember her bday, anniversaries, middle name, etc. If you can do this, I'm sure she'll look past your lip-ring and admire you for who you are.
I used to bend over backwards trying to please my bf's mom. But it's not worth it. She's not dating you, your bf is. And if she doesn't like you, too bad. Again,it's not like she's dating you. Just be yourself, and if she doesn't like you, well too bad. Don't hurt yourself trying to make her happy. Just worry about making your bf happy.
You know what? You should not think she hates you if she has not said anything EXPLICITLY to you or your boyfriend. If you are still convinced that she dislikes you, ask your boyfriend and see what he says. From what you described, it sounds like you are letting your own insecurities get in the way. All you did was mention things that it seems like you are ashamed of (Like what car you drive, your family's financial situation's affect on what college you go to, etc.), and then you compared these things to your boyfriend. Those are all potential reasons she could dislike you (justified or not), but you seem to have no definitive proof.
Just be yourself when you spend the weekend with them, and things will be good. Maybe you can even bring a long a little gift as a thank you for inviting you, like wine or a homemade cake.
And yes, I am in that situation. My parents' boyfriend do not like me because I am a religion different than theirs. Even though we are in college, they do a decent job at stopping us from seeing/talking to much to one another. I know how they feel because they tell him any chance they get.
@MaddiGoLightly@xanga - It can be expensive if a student going there is from out of state. Also, compared to other public schools, it is a little more pricey. (By a few grand, but it does make a difference.) A lot of Public Ivies, like the one I go to, has cheaper in-state tuition than Temple.
TWO OF MY EX'S MOMS HATED ME PRETTY MUCH FOR THE SAME REASONS... ONE DIDN'T LIKE I WAS CHINESE AND NOT FILIPINO OR CATHOLIC... THE OTHER DIDN'T LIKE 'CUZ I WASN'T BLACK OR JEHOVAH'S WITNESS... MY MOM DIDN'T LIKE THEM EITHER 'CUZ THEY WEREN'T CHINESE OR BUDDHIST... I RATHER DATE INTERRACIALLY...
@lot223@xanga - that is so true xD I'm having that same thing happen to me now.
Yeah, don't sweat it. My bf's mother hates me..haha so bad she'd even press criminal charges against me. Don't ask. A very long story, but always keep him happy and everything will be all right.