Friday, 06 November 2009

• Qualities of a Real Man

  
  

  
  Recently I had a conversation with a friend who told me "so-called modern men" piss me off. They're so limp and accommodating. It's like men have lost their spines. I don't want a sissy "yes" man, I want a REAL man." So if you're not sure what a "real man" is, here are definitive qualities of a "real man". 
  
  Real men: watch the game with a beer in one hand and a Playboy in the other, and use their penis to switch channels on the remote.
  
  

  
  
  

  Real men: whistle at a woman even if she's only remotely attractive. Remember you can't score if you don't shoot the puck!
  
  

  
  

  
  
  Real men: Are immune to slaps. They already have a callous built up.
  
  

  
  

  
  
  Real men: can tell other real men that they just f***ed their friends mom and it was fantastic, because the only reaction a real man can give to another real man telling him of his sexual exploits is a high five. Anything else is gay.
  
  

  
  

  
  Real men: can use swears as adjectives, adverbs, pronouns, nouns, verbs and conjunctions. They're the Swiss Army knife of male conversation.
  
  

  
  

  
  
  Real men: Don't look at explosions....they blow things up and then walk away.
  
  

  Real men: Don't need to be martyrs to get with 72 virgins. Real men have already had 72 virgins during consecutive summer break vacations.
  
  Real men: Don't wear pink. Men that wear pink and claim to be real men, are only sheep pretending to be wolves in sheep's clothing. (yes I mean you Delko from CSI Miami !)
  

  
  

  Real men: Aren't cat lovers, or dog lovers, real men have great white sharks for pets....and generally...they name them Spike or Duke.
  

  
  

  Real men: Don't need thumbs. They get in the way of making a proper fist.
  
  

  
  

  
  Real men: Don't wear underwear, because no matter how over-sized the underwear is, it's always too tight.
  

  
  

  Real men: Don't watch any movie that doesn't end in a dramatic death sequence accompanied by explosions and or gratuitous amounts of blood.
  
  Real men: Don't have "significant others". They only have "future ex's"
  
  

  
  

  Real men: Can fix almost anything with a hammer. And if it can't be fixed with a hammer, it's cause its gay.
  
  Real men: Drive trucks or sports cars. If a man is in a sedan or mini-van it's likely because he's just been recently castrated by his "future ex".
  

  
  

  
  Real men: Don't get women pregnant, they spawn babies from the aura of their impressive machismo.
  

  
  

  Real men: Know they're real men, and don't need to read a list to confirm they're real men. If you had to read this list to confirm the authenticity of your maleness, you're a fairy winged, leotard wearing, pansy boy and need to go get a latte with your boyfriend before you leak gayness onto my blog. If you're a woman reading this list, I can be reached at the following number:
  
  1- 900 - R E A L M A N
  Cheers ! ;)
  

  Would you want to date a "Real Man"?
  

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