Thursday, 05 November 2009

• The American Male Virgin

  I am a 22 year old male virgin.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  Surprised? I'm not. The thought of being a virgin doesn't cross my mind much. It used to in high school and middle school, when people were first getting it on, having kids, etc. I used to feel like I was missing out. In a sense, I am (ha!). I always thought it was going to just happen for me, that I didn't have to invest much time of effort into it. Time kept rolling, and year after year I remained a virgin. Someone in high school asked me about it once. She asked "Really? Is it because of choice?" Originally, I guess it was.
  
  The truth is, I have never been in a serious relationship. A long time ago I thought that was a precursor for sex. So, I held off. Until around sophomore year of college. That's when I thought once again that I was missing out, like perhaps I was using it (virginity) to separate myself from others on some level. I decided to take action and to see what would happen. I started to go out more, make out with girls more, go on more dates, etc. But nothing ever happened. And I think it was because I was always looking for something more, not just sex. Call it good impulse control if you want, because I think about it just as much as anyone.
  
  Perhaps I am / was looking for a significant relationship in my life. But that's not required for sex is it? I don't think so. But perhaps it is required for me. Call me old fashioned, but perhaps that's who I am. It's not like I have not had the opportunities. If I wanted sex, its out there. I've engaged in sexual like actives, but never the act of intercourse, of course.
  
  But I wonder, why is this not talked about more? I know quite a few other people who are virgins. Of course no one ever talks about it, especially if you are a male. I think it makes, or some people think, you less of a male. We males are suppose to sleep around and spread our seed right? Boys will be boys. It's only the women who are whores if they sleep around...right? They are suppose to be pure and holding of their selves "lady like". Its why they get married in all white (virgin purity) and males in black tuxes. If all males sleep around and women are not, then who are they sleeping with? Other males?
  
  Not that I think that if you do sleep around you are a whore. I think it depends on the person, on the intent, and on each experience. In our "sexually liberated" culture, have we forgotten what matters the most? I am not some sexually repressed person who thinks sex is dirty. I have the same desires, the same impulses. I have just not fulfilled them with another human being. I think it varies from person to person --- it is unique in itself. It is the meaning (or lack of in some cases) for each individual that matters. For a lot of people sex is love. For a lot of people, its just something you do. For others, it is a connection with some other person, a different way of knowing them. I think what it is or is not varies a lot, but should be respected in all its aspects.
  
  I don't think the male virgin is. I don't think he exists, because no one talks about him. No one asks him why, everyone just assumes. People assume I get laid all the time, but I really never imply such a thing. Even my own family assumes I am living some secret life where I sleep with a ton of women because I never talk to them about people I'm seeing (because it's implied that if you are seeing someone, you are sleeping with them). We have created a culture where the male virgin cannot exist. Men are supposed to just know sex, it is suppose to just come to them. Well, I am here, and I am saying that it doesn't. We go though all the feelings and the emotions any female does (or does not). We don't discuss it as much --- and perhaps that is the greatest lost.
  
  I have questioned sex and my sexuality. I question everything. I once thought that was my weakness, why I did not engage in sex. But I did engage in the world -- activities that should have lead to it. All in all, for some reason, I never followed though. It's not because I think of sex as some big thing that you should wait for "happily ever after" for (if you did, no one would have sex). I think of it as a natural thing. But I don't put it first when I want to get to know someone. When I'm attracted to someone--- truly attracted to someone, the physical is the bonus. Does this mean that I don't take it into consideration? Heeeeeelllllll no. But it is just a part of the person.
  
  And does that mean I don't go, "oh shit, the things I would do to her..." No, it doesn't. For me, being a virgin is just an extension of who I am. It doesn't define me at all, nor does it limit me. I don't go around "oh, I'm pure because I don't have sex" or "I need to get rid of this virgin thing". Its more like I am a virgin because of how I interact with other people-- because of who I am. I feel as if it is a category, something to assign to people. I am human, no more, no less. And if I just happen to be a virgin by society's standards, then that's what I am. I am not going to let it define me.
  
  The same goes for the flip side. If you like to get it on, then that is just you. As long as you know that its you, as long as you are being authentic to you, then that's ok. The male virgin, wherever or whoever he is, needs not to be ashamed. There is no fault for who you are.
  
  And I guess, for now, that's a part of who I am.
  
  Thoughts?
  

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