Wednesday, 04 November 2009
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Reuniting with the Friend Who Assaulted Me
Over the summer, my best (guy) friend and I got closer together. He was dating his (still current) girlfriend at the time, but I was confident that he would and wanted to leave her for me. I recognize that this makes me a bad person. Our friendship was one that came out of a one-sided crush. I always considered him a friend, whereas he was interested in me as something more. When I turned him down a few years ago, he dated my female best friend at the time. They split, but not before she started to hate me. I think she thought I compromised his feelings for her. Despite this, up until November last year, I had shown nothing but platonic feelings for him.
Last November, he asked me out, while dating his girlfriend- the one he's still with, currently. I said no, because of this. He broke up with her a week later, and we started to date. He was my first boyfriend and best friend. Two weeks into our relationship, he found out that I was unwilling to sleep with him. He broke up with me two days later. I was devastated and betrayed.
In December, while he was two states over for Christmas, he told me that I was too childish for him and that I was never ready for a relationship. He also said that he did what he did to me because he loved me and it scared him. I didn't forgive him until April, but only because he belongs in the same tight-knit group of friends as me.
In June, he approached me again in a romantic way. It was summer, and he had gotten back together with his (ex) girlfriend a week after we called it quits in November. We cuddled and we talked. We also kissed. A lot. I knew, though, that I was leaving for school in September and I knew I couldn't trust him in that way. I told him, mid-July that I wasn't ready for a relationship, I just needed to be friends. The day I told him this, was the day after he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me.
The week after I told him this, he went and got drunk. I picked him up and put him to bed. He sexually assaulted me that night.
I told my friends- the same ones in our tight group of friends. They're my best friends, too. But they did nothing. They acted, and still act, as if nothing had happened. He hasn't talked to me since. No apologies. No phone calls. He didn't even say good bye to me at my own going away party. He won't accept blame or guilt of any kind. He got back together with his girlfriend the day after he assaulted me.
I'm bitter, frustrated and angry. I don't understand why my friends won't talk to him about it, why they'll force me to see him when I come home, knowing what he did to me. I know, even if this had never happened to me, that if any one of them had gone through the same thing, I'd be there for them as long as they needed me. And then I'd be at the guy's house breaking things.
I'm going home this weekend and they want to have a reunion. They knew what he's done, what he's been doing to me, but they still won't compromise. They want to keep acting as if nothing ever happened, I think.
What should I do? Why won't they see that it's hurting me? It's been months, why do I still feel this way?
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Comments (56)
ur friends are just as wrong as he is. you honestly should have reported him to the police. if your friends had gotten mad at you for that, then they are not really your friends in the first pace. I feel for what happened to you, but also you should have known that when he was drunk something bad might happen. However i dont believe that drunkeness is an excuse for being an ass or something worse. I would not go to the reunion because of how much they ignored your mental needs. This guy is a complete asshole who makes it look horrible for good guys like myself. you are completely right for thinking how u feel. you should confront him and make him know what he did to you. I commend you for taking the time to have strength to type his posting. good luck with this. i hope everything goes well
define sexually assaulted.
This is a really touchy subject, and I'm sorry to hear that this dirtbag just used you. It seems like the only thing he was ever after was what you cherish the most. On the other hand, maybe you trusted him too much? Even after he broke up with several girls to be with you, what made you think he wouldnt do the exact same thing to you?
As hard as it may seem to comprehend, my suggestion (and this is only my suggestion) would be to find new friends, and stay away from that guy. If he's unwilling to apologize (and I could care less how embarrassed, if he even is embarrassed, he is), then dont try to force it out of him. You're probably wasting your emotions, time, and energy in trying to do so. I would strongly suggest looking for new and better people to associate yourself with.
report it to the police.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry. :'(
Your friends are really being horrible people here. They won't even acknowledge what happened and they're trying to force you to see him. I would suggest new friends. I just don't like how nonchalant they're acting. You need help through this tough time (seek counseling if you can by the way) and they're not willing to be there for you. They're not true friends and you should tell them that. Make them at least try to feel ashamed of themselves.
I would also agree that you should report him to the police if you feel strong enough. I hope you can get through this though. You're a very brave person. Also, do not feel ashamed or blame yourself. He's the douchebag. He should feel guilty, not you.
you should report him to the police
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - I agree. Define how you were sexually assaulted because if the guy kept touching your ass when you move his arms away....it's uncomfortable, it's rude, he should deserve a slap in the face but it might not cause your mutual friends to side with you and separate you two.
However, if it was something more, then your friends are dirt bags for not separating you two to have two reunions. Tell them that you're uncomfortable seeing him again, and if they do not compromise, then don't go to the reunion. Set up a hang out later on and see if they wanna hang out then.
You should say screw them, and screw the reunion. Your mental, *and physical!!* health is a lot more important than walking on eggshells *like they are doing* for this jerk's feelings.
They won't see it because they don't want to believe it. Cut them all out of your life, you don't need friends like that.
You might feel this way for the rest of your life. Sexual assault/abuse is serious, and it's not something you just "get over."
See a therapist if you can. If you haven't already reported it to the police, please do so.
Instead of going to your friends why didnt u report this to the police, i mean really what can your friends do in that kind of situation> all they can do is say "aww im sorry" but that doesnt fix what he did and it never will, NOW if its that bad what he has done to you i think u should consider going to the police and reporting his ass. because something isnt right here.
Another question is why did u even deal with him, its obvious u NEVER had feelings for him at all and u still went out with him, Something is really iffy about this story and there is always two sides to a story so i cant just sit here and be like yeah he is a douchbag because in all honesty if this was really bugging you then u would have went to a adult or the poilce and got his ass in some kind of trouble by now.
As far as your friends are concerned u mention that they are forcing u to see him at your reunion...how are they forcing u? if you really dont want to see him how about NOT GOIING TO THE REUNION at allll. that will make things more easier for you, expecially if u feel real uncomfortable about what he has done to you quote on quote.
Consider new friends obviously these batch of friends can give two shits about you. they more on his side then yours and i dont know why u still even friends with these people if they are that bad.
You put yourself into this mess. I almost dont feel bad for u because people who do this to themself shouldnt get any sympathy not whatsoever. and sorry but your story doesnt add up.
Maybe you should talk to your friends about it. Tell them that you're uncomfortable seeing him. If they don't understand or don't really care ... then I think you need to get some better friends.
You should've reported the entire incident to the police. You have no evidence to the assualt other than heresay now :( Your tightknit group of "friends" don't seem like friends at all. Drop these people out of your life really fast or they'll cause more trouble for you later.
wow you should leave your friends. obviously they aren't good enough friends. and you should have called the police if you really felt that he sexually harassed you. doesn't matter if he "was" your friend, that's just plain wrong. i say you should go home and have some family time.
first of all, you should have went to the police.
second of all, fuck him and fuck your "friends." acting like nothing happened?
sounds like you hang around with a ton of shitty people. you need to reassess the people you talk to for your own good.
This is so sad. I hate stories about sexual assaults.
I don't really have any better solutions than what the others have already proposed to you, but I don't think reporting him to the police is a great solution, unless you really don't want him to be your friend anymore (I don't see why you would keep this friendship anyway if he did what I think he did).
Although the good thing about it is that it could be a very significant action and protection for every other female out there.
So in the end, I change my mind. It's probably better to report it to the police (personally that's what I think).
I agree, what did he do? Did he just kiss you? Cause no one would care if that's the case.
what do you mean by sexually assaulted? did he do something he had never done to you before and crossed serious boundaries or what?
and where do you get off leading this guy on? you say you've always felt platonic, then you say you were devastated he broke up with you. which one is it?
before the "assault" even happened, you should have let him get over you and stopped playing with his feelings especially when he had a gf whose feelings could be seriously hurt. i find most girls who do this is because they need a guy to make them feel good about themselves.
Sounds like this is something that should be reported to the police. I wonder at your friends too...
Your friends are horrible, disgusting people. You need to tell the police about this guy and have the bastard locked up. I feel so sorry for you!
Like someone else said, your mental and physical health is more important.
If your friends don't really care, then they're not really friends.
your friends are forcing you to see him?
how about you just don't go?
when someone says sexually assualt, I assume they mean rape.
I'm guessing you don't mean that because your friends didn't think it was a big deal, and you were still willing to be around the guy.
Sexually assaulted how?
If he RAPED you, actual vaginal RAPE, you report his ass to the police. I don't care if he was or still is your "friend."
As for your other "friends," if they can't respect your feelings, then you owe them nothing. DO NOT GO to reunions or parties or whatever when you know he will be there. Just avoid the situation. Your friends realizing the problem does not make it go away. Your friends should respect your wishes enough to know better than to invite you both to the same event. And if they can't, I'm sorry, they aren't your friends. Get rid of these shallow, unfeeling, toxic people in your life.
But what the real issue is....why didn't you report him??
I don't think it matters exactly HOW you were assaulted. You shouldn't have to explain yourself here. The fact is that you were, and now you are not comfortable being around him. Your friends should definitely respect that. If they are, in fact, friends. Doesn't sound much like they are, but I don't know the full story, I'm sure.
I noticed that most of the comments above are blaming you for what he did, but I assure you it's not your fault. There is no excuse at all for any form of sexual assault. The blame is on him. All of it.
And you should avoid putting yourself in a bad situation by being around him.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - she doesn't want to go into it. The fact she knows she was sexually assaulted is enough. Dumb b*tch
To the blogger:
I'm really sorry to hear this, what an awful thing to happen. These people are not true friends. I recommend reporting the incident to the police-no one has to know, even him (depending on what method you choose) but he will be on file forever, so if anyone else ever comes forward about him about something similar, he'll immediately be in shit because he already will have (your) complaint against him on file.
Also, refuse to go to the reunion, or to see him at all. It may be hard, but these people are shit people if they are refusing to acknowledge what happened to you, and you will definitely be better off without them. Of course, its easier said than done-uprooting your whole social circle-but these people, and your ex 'best' friend, all have serious issues and if they can't be there for you when you need them most...are they really 'friends' worth having?
<3
@Sweeping__Insensitivity@xanga - You definitely live up to your username!
PEOPLE: RAPE IS NOT AN EASY SUBJECT. SEXUAL ASSAULT ISN'T EITHER.
Sexual assault IS JUST AS BAD AS RAPE. It is still traumatising, horrible and a CRIME that should be reported.
It isn't easy to just go 'hey, i was assualted by my best friend. better go tell the cops on him.' In any kind of difficult situation, you usually turn to friends, people you trust and think care about you, first. Her 'friends' betrayed her, dont believe her. SO what is this girl meant to think how the POLICE will treat her, when people who KNOW her and are her 'friends' ignore what she has gone through and dont care if she has to see him at their social events?
You should do some research if you think its so 'easy' to go report sexual assault.
@angelofcaffeine@xanga - Yay you:) I agree 100%. It's heartening to see not everyone is an ignorant bastard.