Wednesday, 04 November 2009
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Is Closure Necessary?
Closure? Is that necessary to in order to move on? Do I need it? And if so, how do I ask for it?
I used to pride myself on being the girl who didn’t go boy crazy or irrationally emotional or clingy…
I was recently dumped by my high school sweetheart after more than a year of the roller coaster ride of love. I am not pretending our love was perfect in the movie sense, but when we had problems we fixed them. I am not particularly romantic but he was it for me. He was someone I could live with, or in some cases work around when it came to his faults. More importantly, I felt comfortable and right. He was my best friend, lover and supporter.
What happened as in all relationships, we got to college and things got hard. He threw his hands up in the air and panicked. (We only a four hour drive apart). I cried and cried. I got angry and upset. Then I finally started to let go, and try to enjoy single life for the first time. He called and said he wanted to be friends. We owed each other that after being so close. So we made a deal on how it would work out. He wouldn’t post stuff on face book about future girls for a certain amount of time and vice versa. After working things out, we started talking again and he decided to visit me. He showed up at my college (I knew ahead of time) and it was like RUSH of emotion. Everything in my world clicked around him.
He told me, he wanted to be with me. I asked why. And he said it made him happy. I admit he and I fought a bit like usual what that meant, I then apologized for my demands and ridiculousness. I decided to let that go and take it one step at a time and try not pressure him. We then kissed made up and had a wonderful weekend in which we kissed goodbye and he headed back to RI (I am in Mass).
1 week later we had a chat catching each other up.
2 weeks later: POOF ____ is in a relationship with ________ on facebook. As you can imagine I was crushed, and in some ways I have been in able to move on. I dream about him. I am uninterested in any of the guys checking me out. I don’t care about the idea of love. I cry. I admit apart of me doesn't believe this is happening and he's just around the corner to kiss me again.
My friend said that was better than him saying, he fell out of love with me or calling me up saying: hey sorry but I changed my mind.
I wished he done that. I wish I could hear something from him, anything.
She thinks I need closure. You know to recognize the end of our relationship. She thinks I should contact him and try to discuss things out that way I know for certain he doesn’t love me anymore? I admit I do believe apart of me still thinks he loves me, because this is the most unkind thing he's ever done.
What do you think?
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- From: EveryoneHASaDesire@xanga
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Comments (41)
Not necessary, but nice. In this case, I recommend letting it go. Don't call or write, and don't respond to his messages. It will be tempting, but he's already let you go twice.
I'm in a similar situation. Mine didn't end it either, even when I gave him easy opportunities to say 'yeah, let's end this", he maintained he wanted to continue...but simply never has any contact with me. So yes, I know it's over, and yes, I know he has someone else. but like you. I want closure.
I think both you and I are going to have to close it for ourselves. Not sure how that is going to look or feel for either one of us, but if they don't close the door. we can still close it for ourselves. We can find a way.
I would much rather have had mine be clear with me, so I would have known what to do with my heart these past weeks. He didn't do that, now I have to do it myself. He is staunching any wounds he might have over losing us, with someone else...I have to staunch my own.
hugs to you, to me, to all the people like us out there who's former partners are too cowardly to say "I'm done".
On the other hand, we have to be willing to accept closure too, not be the sort who keeps bargaining, calling, etc. We have to be willing to take 'no' for an answer.
I am, and I vow, in all my relationships to be willing to give 'no' as an answer when it is the end of things.
That is something we must be willing to do as well, to give the gift of closure to others as well.
No. Finding out in person, over the phone, in a letter, would have been better than on facebook.
Yes, you need closure, but not how you're thinking. Call him and tell him about the facebook thing, and tell him either that you'd like to hear from him that it's over, or tell him yourself *Would you REALLY want to be with him after this?!* that you're done and want nothing more to do with him.
He's not the person you thought he was if he can hurt you like this. Let him go.
I was in a similar situation. However, she gave me the "I fell out of love" line. It hurts. I still think about her as well. But, meet him in person if you feel like you need closure. The relationship required both sides to be honest with each other. And for him not to tell you why is unfair.
Sure, why not? It wouldn't hurt to know why. I mean here he is leading you on and telling you that he wants to be with you and yet when he returns back to school, hooks up with somebody else. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't have done such a terrible thing. He should at least said something to you or at least given you an indication that he wanted to see other people so that you are not sitting there wondering what went wrong. But he didn't and that's exactly what you're doing. Honestly, if he loved you, regardless of the distance, he'd make the relationship work because that's what a person does when they love and care about someone. They don't just give up that easily. I know you're more of a rational person than I am because if I were you, I'd call him up and curse my lungs out. But maybe that's not the best thing to do so just give him a call and ask him what happened and where did things take a turn for the worst. Worse case scenario, he'll feed you some bullshit but at least you'll probably get some closure out of that even if it is just a lie.
Most guys deal with things differently. Just because he's with someone else, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. BUT with that being said, you should talk to him. And don't let him try to weasel his way out of it with "I still love you" because it won't make any sense to you that he loves you but doesn't want you. Try to get him to say what he needs to, and let him know it won't hurt your feelings. Just tell him you need to let go.
I almost hate the idea of closure. My recent ex and I broke up in the fall of '07 but even after that we couldn't stay away from each other. He would keep my hopes up saying we were just on a break and we would get back together and what not. In the meantime too, we were still really sexually involved and being the stupid girl I was, I used it to make sure he didn't lose interest in me. After awhile, we were talking one day and he said with all we were doing with each other, it made him feel like there was closure to the relationship. EXCUSE ME? All we were doing with each other was just a form of closure?? You would think with us getting closer and closer to each other again, we would get back together. And it was mind boggling because I would think, "Wait, was I using him or was he using me?" It's just stupid and some guys can be insensitive when it comes to closure.
If a guy wants closure, I'd prefer a heart to heart talk that's real direct. I'd rather someone be direct with me than beat behind the bush and get my hopes higher and higher up.
I dated my highschool sweetheart for 3 and a half years and she broke up with me over the phone after sophomore year in college. I haven't seen her since. It sucks, I have thought about the whole closure thing and while it can make sense if you know it's over (ie they've changed) then it's over. What is the point of seeing them again, especially if they are dating someone else?
CLOSURE WORKS FOR ME IN GENERAL 'CUZ I CAN CLOSE THAT CHAPTER OF MY
LIFE AND MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS AND JUST FOCUS ON MY LIFE
AND MAKE IT BETTER THAN IT ALREADY IS... THERE'S NO POINT IN SITTING IN
THE PAST WITHOUT CLOSURE IT'S NOT HEALTHY
No one ever gets closure until they say they've gotten it. As long as you're still holding onto hope that it'll work out, you won't have closure.
@pandoratheexplorer@xanga - Agreed.
In my opinion, having him say it to your face would just hurt more. My last relationship he was already dating another girl the day after we broke up, I believe. Or two girls. I can't remember. We did have sex about two weeks after and a week after that met up and talked about how our lives were going now that the relationship was done. I guess that was closure? The last month we were together I kind of ignored him. Making up excuses to not see him, having my family lie for me, etc. We had taken "breaks" before then, but I knew by the first one I was already tired of him.
The sad part is, he really tried to make it work.
@pandoratheexplorer@xanga - Everything I would have said. I agree.
something like this happened to me. 2 year relationship, he broke it off because he was falling behind in school/work and I was planning on moving. He admitted he still loves me and did this for my own good. Then, a week later he gets a new girlfriend admittedly to spite me. We got together and talked. That is what marked the end of the relationship for me.
@pandoratheexplorer@xanga - I agree. She should let him go and move on.
Let him go, and move on. He just wants you as a fall back plan. You can't live like somebody's backup plan. Don't message him, don't respond to his messages. If you aren't his number one girl...find someone in Mass who will make you theirs. Good Luck!
i think closures very important, especially how your situation didn't necessarily end.
@pandoratheexplorer@xanga - I agree with you on that.
Sometimes in life, we don't get closure for everything, no matter how much we want it. D: Sometimes we have to close that chapter ourselves and move forward without contacting a certain individual. Like you, I wanted closure from my break ups, but my exes refused to talk things out, so in the end, I had to cut contact with all of them and move forward because it wouldn't be fair in my part to hold on to false hope. :\
If closure is what you truly want, then try to communicate your feelings to him in person. If you can't get that closure, then try to close that chapter on your own and move forward.
Best of luck in whatever decision you make.
@Athlyx@xanga - I
agree but I disagree. I agree with you saying that it would hurt more
said in person, but i feel like if there is no closure then it would
drag on longer and in the long-run, not being in person to sort things
out, would result in greater hurt. It's gotta hurt the way it does for
the person to move on, right? Or else there is still hope?
I
believe the person hurt and want closure, should just move on. Make the
closure yourself. Don't give yourself false hope. Move on, enjoy the
happy things in life rather than dwelling on these past things, things
happen for a reason, there are lots of unexplained reasons, "why are we
here?" etc. etc., unexplained things are many, leave it as is, or life
will be wasted~~
In my past experiences, I never had any closure right after a relationship ended. I guess because I couldn't think rationally and/or seeing them without wanting them back through that "rush of emotion" of seeing them again. I would wait for xxx amount of time until I am over them and can think rationally when I'm around them to have my closure. It's better for both parties like this.
In your situation, yes, I really think he made his decision of getting back together on the "rush of emotion" of seeing you again and his new relationship now? Seems more like a rebound relationship to me. If I were you, I'll just accept it and move on. I know, easier said than done but then again, why would you want to be with someone who don't have the decency to tell you that it is over and you have to find out on his Facebook? For me, that's a deal breaker and I'll be more than happy I found out now than later.
@jeezshoua@xanga - lol agree with you again.
wow what an asshole. finding out on facebook sounds real crappy. but honestly, we all knew that once he set foot in your room at school you two would hook up again. it's so hard to leave all those feelings behind. It takes a lot of time apart before you can really brush off your feelings and even after a few years they may not go away. closure is definitely key but i think you have the right to go out and yell at him. ask him why he didn't say anything about ____ or what he planned to do once you found out. It seems like he used you in a sense... but again, inviting him over, he may not have planned for it and it is hard not to resist.
Unfortunately, some people are just too chicken to say what they really mean and want. I think he cares about you a lot, but just not in that way anymore. You and he felt the rush of emotions when seeing each other face to face. But he'll go back to college and...forget about those feelings for you. If you want closure, do it when you don't have anymore romantic feelings for him anymore and the rush of emotions won't come barging in during your closure conversation because everything will just become 10x more complicated.
Move on...
Closure presents itself in different ways for every person, so it's hard to say how exactly you should go about this. Closure, for me, always comes a loooooong time after I've broken up with someone. I've usually left that person alone, kept them out of my life as much as I can, and then I've taken the time to figure myself out again, and find out what makes me happy. After a while, I figure out for myself that I don't need the guy that left me and that I'll be ok on my own. Once I reach that point, seeing them again is totally fine. That is what brings me closure. The fact that I know in my heart that I will be ok, and that I can move on without them and be happy. It's not necessarily anything that the person says or does, it's really just how I pick myself back up after something bad happens. In a long distance situation, that seems like the best option for you. I agree with the second comment, about having to close things yourself. In the long run, you will be better off, and can find someone that will be honest with you from the very beginning.
Best of luck!@mishy - I mean for her situation. The last time she saw him after they broke up he said he wanted to get back together and all that other bullshit, then he does this facebook crap to her. I think it would be more a waste of time on her part if she confronted him in person. He just sounds like an all around douchebag.
People often think their former significant other should give them closure. They think they want to know there's NO hope whatsover. That's why they want to ask them all these questions on why and how.
I think ultimately, you give yourself closure. I know it's hard but try to think rationally. Why did he do that? If he really loved you or cared about you, would he come back leave, then get with someone else? :\ Time for you to step up and say hey, our love was great when it lasted, but it didn't work because he gave up. And yes long distance is hard but it's not impossible so it is giving up. That's it, there's your closure.
@MistressAislin@xanga - No. Finding out in person, over the phone, in a letter, would have been better than on facebook.
I agree 100%. I always say the internet ruins lives.
My cousin is going through a situation where he needs closure. I think it depends on the person and the situation. Considering his situation I feel he deserves it. Same with you. Your bf comes to visit you, tells you he wants to be with you then 2 weeks later he's dating someone else? That's messed up. If you feel you deserve to know why he did that then you do.