Tuesday, 03 November 2009

• How To: Start a Relationship

  
  

  Very recently, at the ripe age of 20, I have *finally* found myself involved in my first relationship. We have been dating for almost 4 months now, and the experience has honestly been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Here is my advise to the folks who have had a difficult time getting into a relationship: men or women, gay or straight. Take it with a grain of salt, this is the only relationship I've been in, but it has been a very smooth and stable ride the entire time as opposed to my previous failed attempts to ask out girls whom I was attracted to, so I think my advise can help the people who are serious about developing a long term relationship with that special someone.

  First and foremost, have something in common that you are both very passionate about. Whether it's sports, video games, a favorite band, or similar political views, having a hobby that you both are in love with means that there's always something to do or talk about. If you find that the "asking out" phase is the hardest part of a relationship, as most people do, you should try this. When you have gotten to the point where you can consider yourselves to be friends, now is the time to ask the person you like out on a "private outing", just the two of you hanging out. This isn't a date, this is a pre-date, setting you up for your first big date. Keep it simple, going out for coffee or going to the mall.  Don't buy your love interest's drink, your intentions will be obvious and the person you're with may not appreciate the fact that you "ninja'd" in a date with them.  You should use this time to get to know the other persons' likes and dislikes and lifestyles and passions. Ask any important questions you have, but nothing too personal.  Prove to them that you care about their interests and opinions.  Learn them all, and ask yourself if these hobbies/interests are things that you share a mutual understanding and agreement on. If you share nothing in common, I don't think you should pursuing a relationship with this individual.

  Do not ask someone out simply because you are physically attracted to them, if you share nothing in common then even if the other person says "yes" then the relationship will be B-O-R-I-N-G and end quickly.  There is so, so very much more to a relationship than physical attraction. If you are serious about pursuing a long term relationship, then imagine the both of you growing old together. What is it about this individual that you are going to be attracted to when their hair turns gray, skin starts sagging, and their teeth fall out? There has got to be a common passion between you two that is timeless.

  So the pre-date went well, you both had fun and you learned a lot about each other. Keep in touch with them over the next few days, and then ask them out on your first date. Again, keep it simple, nothing too fancy. Dinner at an inexpensive restaurant, a movie that you know you'd both enjoy, just make sure that it's something that he or she would be willing to give up spending Friday night with their friends for the purpose of hanging out with you. Be sure to indicate that you're giving them time to fit it into their future schedule if they actually are really interested, and make sure that they know that you are talking about a DATE.  Aim to include that word in the same sentence as the one that you're using to ask her out.  Dinner DATE.  Movie DATE.  You get the picture.

  So your first date, dress nice, be polite, open doors, etc. Whether or not you plan to pay for their meal/ticket, come prepared to do so and offer. If he/she wont let you, then let them pay for themselves, don't make a scene.  Don't make up things during your conversations for the purpose of impressing your date, be honest so they know you aren't a lying scumbag. Unfortunately, that's about all the advice I can give you for first dates, because that's something that I've only had the privilege of doing once in my lifetime.  A lot of people wait until the second date to kiss or ask each other out, that's perfectly normal too. Only you can determine whether or not these things are appropriate for your date, but I think that my date and I already had mutually strong feelings for each other and the timing was right. If you don't know how to kiss, don't worry, you'll learn and get better with practice when the timing is right. Always ensure that there is mutual consent between you and your date before doing so. Ask before you kiss, you would much rather your date say "no" than to force your date to awkwardly pull away or have them push you away. No means no, no exceptions. That goes for sex too.  Rape isn't an effective tactic for building a strong, trusting relationship.

  Did my personality and behaviors change when my status changed from "single" to "in a relationship"? Yes, this was mostly in part to the steps that I took to become a more attractive person**, but it was a change for the better and I'm sure you'll agree. I still do the same activities, but I've prioritized my life better so that I'm focusing on what is important and what I really want. School was always my top priority, but "hanging out with friends and playing videogames" moved down to a lower priority than "spending time with that special someone". This doesn't mean that I ever had to stop playing videogames, but that I currently do them significantly less than before. Since I desperately wanted to be in a relationship, I was open to making these changes and it isn't that big of a deal if I don't get to play videogames in all of my spare time.  My girlfriend knows how to have fun too. I think that if you want a healthy long-term relationship, you should adopt similar strategies.

  On another note, it's important that your partner and you understand each others' own personal hobbies and lifestyles are able to accept each others' differences and make compromises when needed for each other. You cant change who you are overnight, and don't force yourself to change who you really are, but it's important to try out new things and be open minded about other peoples' lifestyles. For example, my girlfriend is straightedge (meaning she doesn't do drugs) and she's also vegan (she doesn't consume animal products). These characteristics are extremely important to her, and it would be a total waste of my time to try to convince her to eat meat or smoke pot. Likewise, I wont ever completely stop playing videogames. Since we listen to each other (a must in every successful relationship) we know that those are things that we cant change about each other. She has never tried to make me stop smoking or go vegan. However, I've been slowly introducing her to videogames, and she's been cooking vegan dinners for us. She's giving the Nintendo Wii and Audiosurf a try, and I've been eating a vegetarian diet for about a month now.

  **Remember, you have to have redeeming qualities about yourself. It is very important that you've made an effort to make yourself a better person. If you have bad habits such as picking your nose, not showering/brushing your teeth at least once a day, not wearing deodorant, or coughing without covering your mouth, these are all things that you MUST change. If you have nosehairs, unibrow, or excessive unkempt stubble or hair, get in the habit of grooming yourself. Wear a cologne or perfume, but not too much, if you have very nice distinct smell following you around everywhere then you will draw positive attention to yourself. People will want to be around you. Have a good attitude, be polite, act mature. Compliment your date's clothing, shoes, jewelry, hairstyle, etc. But be sure to MEAN IT when you say it, it's obvious when you're lying. Never wait for the other person to make the first move, this is a common mistake among men and women, BE ASSERTIVE. Confidence is sexy in men and women, this works both ways. Speaking from a male perspective, being complimented, hit-on, or asked out by women is ALWAYS welcome. This lets us know that we're doing something right, and at the very least it proves to us that you don't find us unattractive.  Don't let gender stereotypes hold you back from aiding in the growth of a relationship, otherwise you're just wasting time.

  You have to become attractive enough for the other individual to be interested. During the months before I met my girlfriend, I was taking many significant steps in my life to make myself more appealing to the opposite sex. I started eating a healthy diet with a large salad (w/o dressing) at every lunch and dinner, cutting out junk foods completely, taking a multivitamin, and drinking lots of water to give my body the vitamins and hydration it needed to perform it's best. I starting working out in the gym 2 hours a day with a consist exercise routine that made my whole body stronger, and I followed up with a meal high in protein afterward in order to build muscle. While I wasn't overweight, I did lose what was beginning to evolve into a "beer belly" and I found myself with more stamina and energy than I had ever had in my entire life. I started to develop "pecks", "guns", and a "six-pack".  I felt amazing, and best of all, I found myself getting checked out.

  What important to remember is that you can only be yourself, if what you can do within your physical ability isn't enough for your love interest then the relationship simply wasn't meant to be.  I've met plenty of people who have absurd physical characteristic requirements that are just unrealistic.  For example, I would never date someone who had a specific height as a dating requirement. What's the point? That's not something that anyone can control!  Stay far, far away from these people.  To me, that's no different than saying "Oh, I wont date someone because they're black".  No one can control the color of their skin.  There's a difference between having personal preference towards tall people, and making it a requirement.  I can just imagine now, "Oh, you're the perfect partner, you're so sweet and caring and cute, but I cant go out with you because you're only 5'7", you need to be at least 6'3" to get on this ride."

  I hope that some of my tips will help those of you who have had a difficult time getting into the dating game.  Have you noticed yourself making some of the same mistakes that I had mentioned?

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